A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:So some time ago, around eight months ago, i was ghosted by a woman i treated with kindest, but a lot of you put me down saying i deserved what i got, so i found out some things about her i didn't know about.One thing she told me she has only been married one time now i found out that was a lie, she has been married to three men and one woman.Yes I am the one about dancing on roses, an the way you all talked to me i felt like it was my fault, so my question is :Is it still my fault that she ghosted me for being a nice guy?I didn't have a chance in hell with her, every thing she said was a lie, hey she still had the right to end the relationship, i can see a woman ghosting a drunk, drug addict, a woman beater, a guy who didn't treat her good , but a man who only tried to make her happy, you don't do if you are a nice person, by the way am still the romantic guy, so girls tell me tell me was i the bad guy after all
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 August 2016):
 So my ultimate point is that no one is to blame here. It just is what it is.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 August 2016):
I don't know your story from the past, but I'm going to reply going off of the little bit of information you provided here.
The point of dating is to get to know someone and determine if you two are compatible and could build a life together. I have personally met many wonderful people whom I've dated, that treated me very well, yet I just knew weren't the right ones for me. So I ended it.
You seem to have this belief that just because you're not a drunk or abusive that she would have no reason to ever leave you. That because you treated her very well means she should have stayed with you. However, you're ignoring the fact that there are so many elements that play a factor in relationships. Sex, mutual attraction, friendship, compatibility, communication, general desire for similar things in life. If all it took was having someone treat me nicely, I'd have been married years and years ago.
So my ultimate point is that you should try to stop analyzing this so much. You may have been wonderful to her, but you just weren't the one for her. And that's okay. She's allowed to feel that way. She doesn't have to settle down with you just because you're really nice to her and treat her well.
I'm sure you can find tons of other women who would love to have a man who will treat them as nicely as you treated her. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 August 2016):
"I didn't have a chance in hell with her"
That statement absolutely assures that you had no chance with her.
The first step to being with a women is for you to show her that you have a high market value - that you are a man that other women want. If you dont even believe that yourself, you have no shot with her or any other women that most men would desire.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (27 August 2016):
 Stalking someone after they have finished with you is not the sign of a "nice" guy. It is creepy and definitely NOT nice.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 August 2016):
 In December you said you would not be writing in about this again
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/ladies-if-a-man-sprinkled-rose-petals-at.html
Have you taken ANYTHING that has been written in response to your posts onboard?
Have you listened to any of the answers, or just chosen to ignore all and sundry and continue to blame everybody but yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2016): As far as I can remember it was you that ghosted her. When she didn't respond to the rose petal dance in the way you wanted (I.e she didn't save the petals), you responded by cutting your date short and then sending her some very curt texts which sounded as if you were ending the relationship. You're not as "nice" as you think..
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 August 2016):
 You need to let go off this, I mean at this stage you must be driving yourself crazy. Nobody here told you to stop being a nice guy, you know yourself that being a nice guy is not the problem, the problem is she did not want to be with you, she did not think you both where compatible, and she has that right! Now ghosting someone is not fair, I can see why that upset you, she should have been honest with you. But still you keep saying you are a nice guy, therefore what she should be with you? OP there are lots of nice guys out there, you are not the only one, no point dwelling on this and feeling sorry for yourself. Go out and meet someone who appreciates who you are and what you have to give, but take things slow.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 August 2016):
 Move on already, OP You CAN NOT change the past. And you need to accept that others MAY not see the situation the same way as you may have intended it to go down.
SHE (or you, or anyone) can END a relationship/courtship at ANY TIME, for any reason.
While I'm not a fan of ghosting (I think it's a coward's way out) she is STILL entitled to end it, however she sees fit.
As for the ghosting. Who knows maybe that is how she ends EVERY relationship she doesn't see go anywhere. It was just easier for her than having to deal with the other person.
And like first anon male pointed out.... calling yourself a "good guy"/being a good guy doesn't entitle you to special treatment or to a woman.
Just like YOU don't have to settle for a woman you don't feel is right for you, that goes for women as well.
I don't see what being kind and nice to her has to do with it. I doubt it was your kindness or niceness that made her dump you. There was something in you she just didn't see as compatible with herself. I have never met a woman who said;" I broke up with so-and-so because he was just too nice a guy". There was usually a whole other reason.
Was it all your fault? well I'd say maybe not. Maybe you just didn't recognize that she wasn't a good match before she did, maybe you didn't really know her. DOESN'T make it HER fault either for recognizing that sooner than you, does it?
You want someone to blame for it not working out, then it's ALWAYS a good idea to look at your OWN actions first. Because? Those are the ones you can CHANGE for next time.
I would have cringed if my husband had danced on rose-petals for me, and I would have questioned what the "hay" he might have been smoking beforehand. But THAT is me. Had it been on our honeymoon (where there were rose-petals on our bed, in the tub, on the floor it would have made sense, but still been very OOC for him and thus weird).
Accept that MAYBE you can't expect the SAME result for a romantic gesture with every woman and in different situations.
You didn't do the dance for you. YOU did it to "showcase" yourself as the "romantic lead". A Romantic gesture should be FOR the other person fully.
Time to LET IT GO! Time to look forward.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (26 August 2016):
Did she still have the "right" to end the relationship?
Yep. Anyone has that right, at anytime and for any reason, even if that reason is "I don't like your shoes". Case closed.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2016):
 WhO ghosted whom, to begin with ?
The way you told us the story in your post is that she remained cold about the rose petals, you got stroppy and left in a huff.The day after SHE contacted you to thank you for coming over or something, and you replied with some dramatic " Goodbye forever " message.
Anyway- never mind that.
Ghosting is rude and insensitive , and nobody should ghost anybody else, whether they are nice guys, bad guys, or something in between. Granted.
But, what you have trouble accepting is that she did not ghost you BECAUSE ( as in : depending from ) you are a nice guy . She probably ghosted you because she found you boring, clingy, high maintenance,... or she felt you did not have much in common, or she was not attracted physically- in short, because she was not that into you.
Now , you may lament of having been strung along too, then, if she was not that into you but still accepted going on several dates with you.
But she ( and other people ) could see it differently, and in good faith. Dating is a process of getting to know a person and find out if you could be good together in the long run, it may take more than one or two dates to make one's mind up, it may take the few months that you have gone out with this lady.
Either way, in good faith or in bad faith- she was not that into you. So ? Disappointing it may be , but I don't see why you are so shocked that you are not a rare prize for each and every woman you meet . Just because you are nice ( by which basically you seem to mean that you have good manners and that you lay it on a bit thick since day one )
does this entitle you to have any woman you want in the world ?....
If you believe that, I am afraid that you are going to face further disappontments in future.
You like her , she did not like you back :- again , disappointing, but... surely not worthy foaming over it for months in a row ? . I must say that for a nice guy, you are sort of a sore loser and very good at holding grudges.... and this it is not so nice, all in all.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 August 2016):
You are playing the blame game, the problem is the more often you play the blame game, the more you lose.
Learning to recognise your own role in a bad situation will help you grow from your experiences, and ultimately help you achieve more fulfilling relationships.
There is nothing wrong with people being good people. There is also nothing wrong with people being "nice", I actually believe good and nice are the default traits of the majority of people.
However there are people who lie, who steal, cheat, hurt, and who ghost other people.
You found out the woman in question was not nice or good. Okay, so now you know what sort of women to avoid in the future.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (26 August 2016):
 Aren't you being a little silly? Stop playing the victim! What did you expect from a woman like that? Morals? Ethics? Values?
There's nothing wrong with being a good guy and you know it. Sometimes people just don't appreciate goodness and now you know that's the kind of people you should stay away from.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2016): Straw man argument. Just because you're not a drunk or drug addict does not entitle you to her love or time.
Maybe she thought you were boring, or clingy, or awkward. She should have told you she was not interested.
Being nice does not entitle you to a woman.
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