A
female
age
26-29,
*wkward_and_Confused
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years and some change. When I left for college he became really close with a female friend( I'll call her AB). I do know her but I don't know her that well because we were never friends we just all know each other because we went to high school together. My boyfriend and AB were friends in high school but that is nothing compared to how they are right now. They barely even spoke in high school. I have been trying to work through this and I have tried talking to him about how his relationship with her makes me feel but it just makes him feel like he has to choose between her and me. I don't want him to have to do that because I am not that type of person but I am tired of crying myself to sleep, holding in how I am feeling and feeling like I am sharing him. My boyfriend and AB text every single day. (Good morning, good night, I love you) They talk on the phone every single day multiple times a day. They message each other on fb and snapchat constantly. They go out often, to movies, lunch, and dinner. They know each other families and he even calls her mom his mom. She calls him when she needs something like to get her car washed, if she needs him to pick her sister up, if she gets into an accident, or if she's going out of town and if he will go with her. He tells her about our relationship and the fights we have. He also tells her about personal things that are about me and my family that I shared with him and told him to not tell anyone else about.We are not a perfect couple and yes we fight and have our disagreements but I don't think that she should be involved in our relationship. He let her call me a bitch when he was telling her about one of our arguments. He never corrected her and told her that she shouldn't do that or to apologize. I know that my boyfriend loves me. But I can't help shake the feeling that there is something there between them. I am not going to lie I have been going through his phone because I just don't trust his relationship with her anymore. I don't like doing it but I don't like feeling the way I feel and I know that doesn't justify it.We have had talks about AB and they all end the same. Him telling me that he loves me and that she is just a friend and likes someone else. That he'll just stop talking to anyone and all and just go to school and work. I end up feeling like crap and just drop it because it doesn't seem like he understands. I have tried to get him to understand how their relationship feels like an emotional relationship but he denies it and says that they are just really good friends.The last time we fought over AB I told him that I did not want him to tell her about our conversation, but he did because there were screenshots of our conversation in his phone. He told me that I had to talk to AB if I wanted their relationship to change because he didn't want to get in the middle and have to choose between her and me. He said we had to work this out because he couldn't do it without hurting someone he cared about. He told me that he would work on the relationship he has with her but since I've been home for break it doesn't seem like anything has changed. While he and I are out she'll text him. If he doesn't respond she'll call him a couple of times until he answers. The last time we tried to talk about this we almost broke up because he said he couldn't choose between us because he wasn't raised that way and he wouldn't pick sides. He said if he had to choose he would prefer to be by himself. I told him that if it ever came to that I would choose for him and let him keep AB in his life because his response and his defending her through out all of our arguments told me how much she means to him. Not once did he say anything to say that a part of what she said or the way their friendship works is wrong or too much. I'm not asking him to pick sides I just want him to change his relationship with her because it feels like I share my boyfriend with her. I feel as if I have to compete with her and I shouldn't have to do that. I am not really sure what to do at this point because if we do speak about it again there is a 90% chance we won't be together anymore.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2016): I think you already know the answer. It's a simple one, and you aren't going to like it.
You need to break up with him and find someone who fully and completely loves and appreciates you.
It's that simple (and complicated). He is having an emotional affair. An emotional affair can be just as devastating as a physical affair, and when two people are not married (as you are not) usually leads to an physical affair.
Here is why you need to break up:
1. You are worth more than being #2 or even #1.5
2. If he loved you, he would remove all obstacles between the two of you. He has not done so.
3. You gave him an ultimatum and he did not automatically choose you.
4. You do not have his whole heart.
When you go into a serious relationship or marriage, you need to know you are a priority. Right now, you're making him a priority, but he is not doing the same for you.
End things now. It will be difficult, but this relationship is doomed to fail. Do you want him to make the choice for you after wasting 2 or 3 more years of your life?
Take my advice. I guarantee as soon as you break up, he'll be dating her-- the girl who has already stolen his heart.
As for you, there is a great guy waiting out there for you. Don't you want to meet him as fast as you can?
A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (29 December 2016):
I totally agree with honeypie on this but I also want to add . He can't have his cake and eat it too .if he doesn't understand boundaries as certainly there isn't any here . She calls texts and rings if he doesn't answer and he with you .. nope friends should send a hi to you both and that if he wants later to send a catch me up text then he could or chat another time. You need to value you and if I were you as hard as it is ..I would withdraw and I would also bring another guy friend into the game
I mean isn't that what he's playing a game .
And I would day you know ed say this or was ringing me this morning and I was just out the shower lol and he wouldn't stop chatting about college and how great friends we were then or something .. don't make out your flirting keep it light .. let's see how he feels for the next few weeks .
If someone makes you their option remove yourself from that equation and let her have him .
Why should you keep crying every night .. is this a life ??
Here the thing he might decide he loves you more ..If you back off .. He might not .. but no matter what you will have your answer
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (29 December 2016):
I totally agree with honeypie on this but I also want to add . He can't have his cake and eat it too .if he doesn't understand boundaries as certainly there isn't any here . She calls texts and rings if he doesn't answer and he with you .. nope friends should send a hi to you both and that if he wants later to send a catch me up text then he could or chat another time
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2016): You are sharing your boyfriend with this woman. She's making sure he is and he isn't stopping her. If you were a priority to him, he would acknowledge that this friendship as it stands is not fair on you and do something about it. As it is, he is basking in the attentions of two women who are competing for him.
If I were you I would take myself out of that equation and I would therefore put a stop to his egotistical and selfish behaviour.
I would hold my head up high and bow out of this threesome. Take his power, and her power, away from them.
Then, let them get on with it. They could have each other. You can go out and about and see what there is out there, what life has to offer. A whole lot more than this constant heartache.
Think that you are now open to all kinds of new and exciting experiences and that they are stuck with same old, same old.
Your boyfriend and this woman may hop off into the sunset together, or, chances are he will no longer find her so attractive when she isn't forbidden fruit. Either way make sure you are somewhere else, doing something new so that if he does want you back, you won't even remember his name :-)
Go on girl.....you can do it x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 December 2016):
 Now you may not like what I have to say, and I MIGHT be totally wrong but this is how your situation looks to me (based on your post).
You said that he knew her in Highschool but they weren't friends back then, at least NOT close friends - however, the MOMENT you go off to college they become best buds. THAT rings alarm bells to me.
HE replaced you. You weren't physically there, SHE was.
You became the "ex" (in a way) and SHE the new GF (in a way) All the things he USED to do with you, going out on dates, to the movies, dinner, lunch, each other's families.... HE started to do with her.
What does that tell you?
It tells ME, that he REPLACED YOU. She was the "stand-in" for you in EVERY aspect (except MAYBE sex).
SHE wants more. She wants to BE the GF, not just be the "stand-in". THAT much is clear. And your BF is either as dense as Osmium (Osmium is the densest naturally occurring element, just FYI) or he does this KNOWINGLY, he just plays dumb.
RIGHT NOW he has 2 GF's. One that he does EVERYTHING with (her) and one that he claims to be committed to and whom he has sex with.(you).
He doesn't want to pick because as things STAND, he gets his cake and eats it too. (even if they don't have sex).
Let's put this story on it's head in two different scenarios.
Scenario 1:
WHAT if AB was a dude?
Would you still feel this resentment to him?
Would you still want to BE with your BF if he CONSTANTLY had to hang out, text, call his BUDDY? Even when out to dinner with you?
Scenario 2:
WHAT if the shoe was on the other foot? IF YOU had a male friend you hung out with away at college to the SAME extent as he is hanging out with this girl? Do you think he would be fine with that?
My guess is no. But for whatever reason, it's OK for him. Why is that? That would be something I'd talk to him about.
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However, as things stand I get a feeling that he is biding his time with you. He is letting HER infiltrate your relationship. He is ALLOWING her to text and call hen he is out with you. It takes two, and he is a WILLING participant.
I think he is looking for YOU to end the relationship, so HE isn't the bad guy. And so HE can date her.
The fact that he has manipulated you to a point where you say, I don't WANT him to pick between us..... But you REALLY do want him to make up his mind on WHO the HAY he is actually dating.
He doesn't CARE that you don't appreciate him sharing details of arguments with HER. Again he is PAINTING you with an ugly brush to her. Why? To make her try even HARDER to be the "perfect" girl. I get talking over issues with friends, but let's face it... there is no way this girl sees herself as JUST his friend. Or that she sees you as his GF, you are a rival to her. And SHE is a rival to you.
He is letting YOU be the 3rd wheel in YOUR relationship. That isn't HER doing, that is his.
I don't find it so strange that you feel insecure in your relationship with him. He has made it VERY clear that if EITHER of you is to "go", it's NOT her. You shouldn't HAVE to compete with her, you should HAVE to share him with her. BUT HE is allowing that.
Your BF is selfish with this. He doesn't understand that you feel SOME sort of boundaries is needed between her and him in order for YOUR relationship to work. He is, however, MANIPULATING you into thinking that you are being a bad GF for not being overjoyed that he has a "stand-in" for you when you are away.
Now I DO agree that it's NOT a GF's job to tell her BF (or vice verse) WHOM he can befriend, but I think it's PERFECTLY OK for you to tell your BF that you would PREFER that SHE is not the one he goes to with problems, that he comes to YOU if he has issues with YOU.
Being a couple doesn't mean either of you can't make friends, or that you HAVE to be glued to each other - but it DOES mean that there is a certain level of mutual respect. Let's take the dinner example with her texting. He could have either TURNED off his phone or TEXTED her a short text letting her know he was out to dinner with you and would talk to her later. HE knew JUST well that she would text a few more times and then call if he ignored her. Instead, he LET her "budge" in on your dinner together. He basically invited her to "sit" in the middle of you two.
Another red flag for me is the fact that he HASN'T tried to get you two together, so YOU can see things a harmless and SHE can see that YOU are the GF. He is keeping you two separated. Telling her about the arguments you two have - my guess about her.... so making her NOT like you. And making you see JUST how easily you were replaced and how "special" she is to him.
I think you might need to rethink this relationship. If he isn't willing to LISTEN to your concerns and listen to your feelings - if he JUST dismisses them as you being jealous or insecure, how can it continue?
You are 18-21. You are SO young and SO much ahead of you. I know it can be hard to let go of someone you live and care for, but there comes a time where you have to decide if a relationship is GOOD for you or not.
He might love you, but he is living the attention of TWO girls more.
Sorry, that is how it seems to me.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (29 December 2016):
 Why are you with him?
You are the girlfriend. You are the number one girl. If he doesnt make you feel that way--end it swiftly and gently. Any opposite sex friends immediately become secondary after your partner. I have many many guyfriends, if I have a boyfriend, i will shift my guyfriends into a very distant role.
Being his girlfriend should make you feel secure. if you dont feel secure, end it and move on. You should never question his loyalty. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2016): I wouldn't stay with this guy. He's already told you if you make him choose he rather be alone (ie lose you but not the friend). I do think there are times when as a friend you need to take a back seat a bit and respect someone's relationship /privacy. This friend obviously doesn't do that and neither does your boyfriend. I don't think this will change, if it was me I couldn't be bothered with it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (29 December 2016):
 I don't think he needs to work on his relationship with this girl; rather he needs to work on his relationship with YOU. I am a firm believer in gut instinct. We have it for a blooming good reason. If it FEELS to be wrong, then something probably IS wrong. If he is telling her everything about YOUR relationship, then that is definitely wrong. I can fully understand why you are not happy about this. Also about her contacting him until he replies when you are out together. I have to admit, in your shoes, I would have taken his phone off him by now, answered when she was calling and told her to push off (or words to that effect) while you are out on a date. If they are that close, surely she knows when he is with you, in which case she is contacting him at that time to reaffirm her territory. What worries me most about this is how he does not take your feelings into account. I have to ask, why are you still with him if he makes you that unhappy?
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