A
female
age
41-50,
*arah_mew
writes:I'm 7 months pregnant and just found out my boyfriend has been messaging a girl he knows on Facebook, suggestive and flirty messages. She suggested they do something sexual, to which he replied "will it be soon?? I can't wait to stay in the room with you for a long time". I confronted him about it and he came up with an elaborate story that it wasn't him, he was writing her messages for his cousin, blah blah. I ended up emailing the girl and she admitted they had been exchanging sexual messages and that the cousin story was a cover up.Once he knew there was no denying it, he admitted it and begged for my forgiveness, saying it was just a silly joke and he never intended to meet up with her. I told him it was over but he wouldn't accept it, just kept begging, begging me to give him another chance. Now, this girl lives overseas so he said he would never have seen her anyway. But I saw on her Facebook she was planning to visit our country soon. Admittedly, she is from a totally different city so even if she had visited her home country, maybe she wouldn't come to our city, but then again, maybe she was planning to. I just don't know. There was also another general message to a local girl but he said she is just an old housemate and he was just seeing how she was going. But I don't know whether he was trying to flirt with her too and possibly meet up.A bit of background...my boyfriend is addicted to porn, which has caused me stress. I was already thinking about leaving him. Also, he smokes weed all the time and is constantly on Facebook/the internet. He also doesn't have a great job, and I don't know how he's going to support me and the baby once bubs is born. Also, we are in the process of applying for a couples visa so he can stay in the country. Because he doesn't have much money, I'm paying for most of it. I have been happy to do that because I loved him and besides the above problems, we are mostly happy. We were (or I thought) very much in love and over the moon about having a baby. He tells me every day how much he loves me and how I am everything to him. I thought I loved him too, but now I feel nothing for him. How could he do this to me when I'm pregnant, when he tells me how much he loves me? I don't want to be with him anymore but he won't accept it. He begs me over and over to give him another chance. He says we don't have to worry about the visa, he just wants to be with me. But I don't love or trust him anymore so what's the point? Should I stay with him for the sake of our baby, or leave him and he'll probably lose his current visa and be kicked out of the country. I'm happy to be a single mum but I just feel guilty for how much I will destroy his life and relationship with his baby. Is that enough reason to stay with him? I honestly don't know if he's just a cyber cheat or a real life cheater, but I just can't trust him ever again, either way. Help!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): I suggest you take your time making your decision. When pregnant your hormones are so out of whack you may not know how you really feel about him. You don't need to make a quick decision. It is possible that he realizes he will lose you if he acts the way he has, and with help, he will sort out his ways. Why don't you take a few steps back, and see how things go over the next few months? Check out the legal side of things for you, with regards to 'living' with the father of your baby when he is born. I do not believe you should stay with him for the sake of your baby. It will never work out and it will be worse for the child. Only stay with him, if you find the love and trust again.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (27 November 2013):
 OP, you are not being harsh. This guy has to face up to his own responsibilities, and they include being an honest, caring, trustworthy and respectful partner. He hasn't been any of these. That's his fault/ responsibility. Not yours. Likewise his visa is his responsibility. You should be saving for baby, not paying his visa.
You have to more selfish: look after you and baby and let him look after himself. He can prove himself (or attempt to) without living with you, without you being partners. He can try to step up to the mark as a father, and maybe maybe you'll trust and love him again. But he can do all this with you two no longer a couple.
You have 2 months to get ready for baby. Why should that time be stressful? Look after you, let him sort out his own problems, and keep your money in your bank account. Imagine what an idiot you'd feel like if you paid/ sponsored his visa and he chested again or left you for someone else.
Take care, do what's right for you and baby. X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): I'm sorry to tell you this, but kick him to the curb. Hunny, think about this for your baby.
I have a child, & her "sperm donor" was just like yours in the beginning. I barely knew him really & got pregnant. Long story short. He turned into a nasty monster, & very sadly I stayed because of the baby. We made it a year after my child was born till I finally put my foot down. To this day (6 years) he has only seen her for about a years worth. By his choice.
Now, I'm telling you this cause this is your baby's father. But this is his character. This is what your daughter/son will grow knowing as "Daddy". There also is the chance he will be an amazing father. You just don't know till the time comes.
Your telling yourself, I will stay with this man for the baby's sake. That will not guarantee thus relationship to work. You have NO feelings for him. Don't stay with someone & mess with their emotions (IF HE IS TRULY CHANGING) cause, he might be trying to pull your leg.
With all that aside, I'm not saying cut contact so he doesn't know his child. I'm saying, staying with him your baby will sense/feel the tension between you two. That baby will pick up on your emotions & has already.
If he wants to be a great father to that kid. Then awesome, he needs to put the effort & pay for his own visa.
Hunny, you are already doing everything you can to be a new mom. It's only going to get harder but with the best gold memories you could ever have. You will have to work hard everyday for the rest of your life, cause even after they are gone you will always be a mom.
He's got to put in a lot of work also, but that's if he even does.
Personally that's my advice, threw my own experiences. I pray you will have the best of it all, but the reality stull stands. Not many people step up to be a good parent.
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A
female
reader, sarah_mew +, writes (26 November 2013):
sarah_mew is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I haven't been with him that long...I got pregnant after only a few weeks of knowing him (big mistake I think). Until I found out about the porn & weed etc though, I thought he was a wonderful person & we were really happy. Although he sounds like a loser, he has a lot of great qualities too...but these things are just too much.
I guess the thing that's hard is that when I told him to leave, he begged me to give him another chance, saying everything would change. He would stop smoking weed completely, get psychological help for his porn use/need to message other girls, he would start looking for a more well paid job etc. He deleted his Facebook and got a new phone number and gave me all his passwords to everything so I wouldn't have to stress about him messaging anyone. He cried his eyes out & said he just loves me so much, would change everything for me, if only I would give him a chance.
At the moment I feel nothing for him, but should I at least give him another chance? He's so excited about the baby and I know he loves me so much. But to me, even this Facebook cheating is still cheating. What do other people think? Am I being too harsh? The fact is, no matter whether he physically cheated, he broke my trust. I just don't know whether to give him another chance. He says in time he will earn back my trust & I might love him again. Personally I don't think so, but is it worth a try because of our baby?
I feel like I'm in such a mess & I don't know how I got here. Well, I do know....I made a huge mistake by getting pregnant to him. I feel like a complete fool. But I am so happy to be having a baby, & when I see my son's beautiful little face I'm sure I won't regret it, but I just don't know what to do about my boyfriend. I feel like my life has spiraled out of control.
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A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (26 November 2013):
 You already know you dont want to be with him ! If hes ignoring the fact that u dont want this anymore then your going to have to go for plan b !!
So get rid of the couples visa... Get your own and forget about his ! True he has a right to be around his child but he should be making that effort scrapping by as much money as possible and taking care of you !! Everyone goes through financial issues but he is being plain dumb ... He is not a real man if he is not taking care of you both !!
Do you have any family u can rely on where your living?
Look into getting apartments by yourself and discuss with your landlord about your situation !
Theres also probably a lot of helplines for pregnany women in a crisis who could give you more strategic advise to help you along the way.!!
You need to start making it clear to this man on a daily basis that you dont want this anymore, you are not a couple, no more chances etc
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 November 2013):
 I see nothing about this guy (except being excited for the baby) that is telling WHAT A keeper! He sounds a lot more like quite the loser.
If I were you, I would prepare myself for single mommy-hood. To be able to take care of the baby without him. I would ALSO NOT pay a dime for his visa.
I really can't see why you should be miserable with him, just so he won't have to go "home" to his own country. YOU didn't make him cheat, smoke weed or any of the other thing he does that just isn't working for you. THAT is all on him.
When did you find out what kind of guy he is? And how long have you two been together?
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