A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunties,Happy New year. I am a 36 yr old male. I have been with this 21 year old boy. We have a huge age difference. I have wanted this boy to be my boyfriend for a while now. He has been resistant to my advances and asked me to be patient with him as he considers my proposal. Eventually, two weeks ago, he told me he loves me but he is Christian and thus cannot be gay. I was so heartbroken. I deeply love him and we do most of our stuff together. He says l can call him babe, dear and hug him but do nothing intimate. I stay with him. He says he loves me but he doesn't want to end up gay. It breaks my heart every single time. We had a deep conversation and he said he would give me a chance. He would be mine. We can share all. He washes my boxers and l wash his. We share the same bed, but l can't even touch him. He doesn't want to spend many days with me and prefers to do his own things nowadays. It guts me. Yesterday he came home when l was asleep. He came with his girlfriend and they shared a bed. I woke up to find them holding each other beneath the sheets. I know this is a lost cause, l just need to know whether l should try harder, because Everytime l leave and break up with him, he comes back and acts like he wants a relationship with me. Is there any chance or am l fooling myself
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2020): Dear aunties,
I am the original poster of the question. An update. This boy says he loves me. When we quarrel and I go silent or retreat, he calls me almost immediately to find out how I am. He texts frequently to check on me even during the day. We hug and when I hold his waist, he holds mine back. I have kissed him on the nape of his neck and I am not sure of his reaction, he never said no. I told him I love him and he says he loves me too. He posted pics of us together and put the love emoji. But when we speak about sex he says he cannot have sex with me, that I am trying to confuse him. He says he cannot kiss me on the lips. He says we cant be intimate. But he claims to love me. I come from a culture where you cannot tell another man you love him, even in jest. I am thus confused about this. Nowadays he has moved from the bed we used to share and he sleeps on the couch in the living room. He claims to watch movies till late and claims he does not know how he falls asleep there, but he repeatedly does this. I do not have the courage to leave, I have deleted all our photos together, erased his contacts even though they were imprinted in my mind. I have attempted to ignore him and find new love. I have even tried experimenting with other guys, but somehow he keeps coming back to my mind. He knows I am weak. He says he wants to risk life with me. WHat do I do? ANd if I am to let go, how do I start? Is there any chance for us? I wish to hear there is, but I am also prepared to hear the truth. This is written from a very confused heart.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (4 January 2020):
 I think that you should leave this situation alone. Your persistence has made you a likely target for doing things for him that you probably wouldn't do for any other stranger. Those sorts of benefits, he won't be quick to give up.
With regards to his faith, that isn't for us to debunk. It is not for us to unpack. It could be true, or it might be false but I cannot judge the next person's walk with Christ.
What is clear though is that you need to move on from this whole idea and get rid of him. Whatever changes need to come about as a result, must be made. It's something that you cannot force or try harder at. I think that you would only get yourself hurt even further by persisting. Save your energy and time. Let him be with whom he wishes to be with and you should do the same.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (1 January 2020):
 Stop trying to take advantage of him. He’s young and needs somewhere to stay. That doesn’t make him your toy.
You know it’s a lost cause, so leave him alone. Do NOT try harder when someone does not want to be with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2020): It appears that you are taking advantage of a young-man in a homeless-situation. It is questionable, if not clear, that this young-man is not gay. He has also conveyed to you his religious-convictions; which you choose to ignore. If you know anything about the Bible; you do not realize what a serious offense it is to challenge the relationship between a Christian and God. He may be only using that as a convenient excuse, but who can blame him? You know better, but pretend to be so overwhelmed with your infatuation.
Let's call a spade a spade. You're lusting for him! Period! If he doesn't voluntarily reciprocate; and won't cross that line, that's all it is! So you must cease and desist!
It is becoming far too common with mature and older gay-men that they insist on forcing relationships with straight-men, troubled-individuals in desperate situations; or trying to establish monogamous committed-relationships with younger gay-males found on hookup sites. Only to end-up robbed, in-debt, or wind-up in some criminal-investigation; because of their involvement with scammers, crooks, or con-artists. I know the gay-culture well, and if you don't watch yourself; you'll find yourself heartbroken, broke, or in jail! Yes, and then there are those guys who are "gay-for-pay!" They rack-up thousands in cash and gifts; and make a pretty good living off of guys like you!
When will you/we ever learn? Straight is straight, and gay is gay! Throw-in the inbetweeners we referred to as bisexuals! But what about those guys in prison? Men in prison situations don't all "hit the switch." If they can, there was a gay-element within them to begin with. They'll deny it, but come-on! Okay, it's up for debate! You just won't convince me otherwise! You don't enjoy what doesn't come natural to you! Not to say you can't experiment; but once you've satisfied your curiosity, it's no longer a question. It might have felt good; but it doesn't sit right in your head! You'll have an answer; and you will never cross that line again, if it isn't your true-nature. Everyone has a natural-curiosity; but not everyone goes as far as to test it! I have never attempted to seduce a straight-man...alleged or otherwise! I am not a guinea-pig for the gay-curious. It is beneath my dignity and against my principles to be used to see "what it's like." I'm not a new flavor of ice cream! You don't get to "try me!" I know gays who think that's the ultimate fantasy; but they always end-up where you are now! Frustrated and bewildered, and overcome with their lust for the untouchable!
You, and many acquaintances I've known, set yourselves up to be used. It was meant to be the other-way around!!! Oh the irony! You create these imaginary-relationships based on simulated romantic-situations. That are basically taking advantage of people who have a need, the financially-destitute; or naive individuals who are conflicted about their sexual-orientation...sometimes no more than a vague curiosity. Often the curiosity is plied with drugs or alcohol; which amounts to rape in my book. If it wasn't unquestionably consensual, and a voluntary sober decision, it was forced! A decision or submission to sex you make under intoxication, or drugged, is not consensual under the law!
I've learned and respected the boundaries, and I myself have become a devout Christian. I don't test the Lord's commandments, or the scriptures; and I don't try sway anyone or tempt them towards what they consider sinful behavior. They must make their own choices. Manipulation, regardless of anyone's sexual-orientation, is the work of the devil! If he won't have sex with you (and you've found-out the reason); it is because he is heterosexual. Then stop trying to seduce him. Don't try to make him go against his nature. It is just as bad as you being forced to have intercourse with a woman, if you can't! Being relentlessly pursued and manipulated by a female who has a fatal-attraction! Imagine needing a roof over your head, and having to sleep with a woman to have a place to rest your head! It's one thing to help someone in-need; another to use their poverty and desperation against them. He is doing what he has to, to survive. Although it is wrong. He is young, and has much to learn as a Christian; but he hasn't crossed the line with you yet. My guess is, he never will.
If you want to open your home to this young-man; because he has no place to go, that's one thing. Don't allow yourself to be used. This symbiotic-relationship of using each other is unfair to both of you. He tells you what you what you want to hear.
If he followed the true doctrine of the scriptures; he can't live in fornication with a woman, nor can he lie with a man. The point here is not to create controversy, or to provoke debate; but as a Christian who has lived and given-up much of my past, I have to see things according to the Word of God. He gives us choices. He loves us in spite of our sinful nature. He is merciful, forgiving, and kind. Although unbelievers may not understand His ways; when you give your life to Him, you learn as you grow closer to Him. He reveals His ways and thoughts. God is very emotional. Being a sovereign omnipotent and powerful being, we don't have to like or follow His rules. He gives us freewill. Do whatever you prefer, but be prepared for the consequences. He openly admits that He creates calamity, manipulates evil for good, and can turn a curse into a blessing. I have been forgiven for my sins by the sacrifice of His Son on a cross. That's why I know what I know, and respect His laws.
If you can help the young-man, do so with no-strings attached. If he is financially-capable of taking care of himself, and just using you; then put an end to it. It's not a matter of age; but a matter of consent, and his true sexual-orientation. You are also setting yourself up to be used, and this sort of situation always has a bad ending.
This is only my opinion, and I pass it on as wisdom. Take it or leave it. I've learned from what I've witnessed, studied, and have personally experienced. There are always the exceptions to the rule; because nothing in life is written in stone. Only, what God says goes. Choose to obey, or ignore it. We're free to do so.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 January 2020):
 Are you taking care of him financially, OP?
IF that is the case, then THAT is why he keeps coming back. For you to fund his life.
He has ALREADY told you, he doesn't WANT to be gay. While it's not really something most people GET to pick, he is CHOOSING the deny it for himself. Which means he also denies it for you. (with him)
You need to let him go TOTALLY, cut all contact and give him NO money or attention.
The "KID" is using you.
He brought his GF to YOUR house to SHOW you that he wants to have a GF, not a BF.
WISH him well, and when you are looking to date, maybe date someone who is older, more mature and wants the same things.
Just because you WANT to be with him doesn't mean it's going to happen and "trying harder" with him will get you nowhere. You can't MAKE someone LOVE you, you can't MAKE someone want to BE with you.
Set yourself free and LET him go.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 January 2020):
I doubt this guy is even gay... He's bisexual at best and is toying you along. Find another place to live and forget this guy. Nothing good can come from this arrangement.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (1 January 2020):
 He's a tease and he gets something out of knowing that you are attracted to him and want him. You would be wise to cut him out of your life and find someone who will reciprocate your feelings.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (1 January 2020):
 Do you honestly see anything happening here?
If he wanted to be with you, he would be.
He gets a kick out of knowing that you like him and he can make you run around after him. Block him and move on with your life. You’re 36, you should have enough life experience by now to know when someone is wasting your time!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (1 January 2020):
 This young boy has already given you his answer: "he is Christian and thus cannot be gay". In other words, his religion and/or what people think is more important to him than having a public relationship with you. He needs/wants to conform to what is expected of him.
What is your obsession with this boy? Let him go. He cannot/will not give you what you want. To save yourself more pain, you need to cut him off completely. Sadly I doubt you will.
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