A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Guys, I'm in a pickle. A very large pickle. I've been dating my very lovely and intelligent girlfriend for six years, since we were 14. Before I continue, I need you all to know that I really, absolutely and unabashedly love my girlfriend with all my heart and I really can't imagine a life without her.So much we've shared, planned, and dreamed of... and I've shattered it. We went on to different universities considering we both still live with our respective parents and they live two hours from one another. I seriously thought she would be my wife someday. I even had the ring picked out, I just needed the money for purchase.Six days after finding this ring -- so just about 6 and a bit months ago -- I met a girl in one of my orientation classes. Turns out she was also in three of my fall classes and is now signed up for every single one of my spring classes. I can honestly, and ashamedly, say that I've never met a more beautiful woman in my life. I simply could not believe she wanted to have sex with ME! She looks amazing, a star!She knows I have a girlfriend (my gf knows nothing of her) but that did not stop her from advancing me and I tried so hard to resist but I couldn't any longer. So, three months ago, I slept with her. 23 times, over the course of a month. We stopped because I knew that what I was doing was completely horrible and I needed to confess to my girlfriend because I felt sick. I still have yet to confess because I'm terrified she's going to do exactly what she has the right to do: leave me.And then last night, I got the worst news ever: my "other woman" is three months pregnant and she knows it's mine because I'm the only one she's had sex with in two years. And... she's keeping it and wants me to leave my girlfriend for her and help raise the baby. What have I done, I did this with my life, I have no idea but I need guidance. Please, I know I'm going to be judged, just try not to do it harshly. I can't go to my or her parents because they're expecting our six year relationship to turn into something more committed.Yes, of course I want to turn back time and kick myself in the balls for even thinking of straying from a fantastic woman like my girlfriend! It's just so hard to get through this and if my girlfriend leaves, gods, I feel like I might kill myself. She's my life and I feel as if I've given it away for a simple hot piece of ass. I've lost so much sleep and meals over this, I'm a mess.Please... help me.
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2013): Is being in love and having sex two different things? like being married and having something on the side..
It is a sad excuse that guys have picked up from god knows where, that they cannot control themselves... and that sex just happens.
No it doesn't just happen,.
It didn't just happen, you made a choice and followed through.
I for one think you deserve no advice, but the best you can do is leave your girl and be beside the girl you knocked up. you deserve this shyt.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2013): The only right thing to do at this point is to confess everything to your girlfriend and not even ask her forgiveness and or to stay with you. It would be incredibly insulting to ask her forgiveness and to keep you. The manly thing is to admit your wrongdoing, make no excuses, apologize without asking forgiveness, and accept the consequences without complaint or bargaining.Then you need to work out what the arrangements will be with the pregnant girl once the baby is born. will you get together with her?That is a whole different can of worms but if you don't, you better be paying child support.then you need to get yourself into counseling or therapy right away. In fact I would suggest that you do this before making any plans to get with the pregnant girl. B "What have I done, I did this with my life, I have no idea but I need guidance. "This is why you need to get into therapy now before you make any more life-changing decisions and actions. If you have no idea why you did what you did, if you were so out of control that you ruined 3 lives (yours, your gf's, and the other girl's) then something seriously is amiss in your emotional or psychological health. This is not being harsh this is the truth. No healthy sane person in their right mind would do this to someone they truly love. But people who have big emotional problems might. Ask yourself this. Were you out of control or were you deliberately intending to betray your girlfriend? If you deliberately intended to betray her then you don't love her and you need to examine why you would pretend to her and to everyone even yourself that you did. If you weren't able to control yourself then you have equally big problems on your hands. I'm guessing you may have been having serious emotional problems for a long time, and this is the latest and maybe most serious symptom. You may have been using your girlfriend all along for self-validation and not being with her because you actually love her. You might have always been suffering low self esteem. It's time to get a handle on your emotional and psychological problems so you don't keep doing stuff like this the rest of your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2013): If you cheated on your girlfriend and got someone else pregnant that's pretty much proof that you do not and did not love her nearly as much as you profess. You don't just accidentally sleep with someone, let alone 23 times, let alone getting her pregnant. It was a DECISION you consciously made each and every time. That is completely contradictory to love for your girlfriend. I think you *think* you love her, but in actuality you don't you just love the idea of being with her. If your love for her was real, it would have put the brakes on you before you got anywhere close to betraying her.Almost every adult knows that it's morally wrong to sleep with someone who isn't your official partner. If you didn't know it was wrong, you wouldn't be have kept it secret or be feeling guilty and like there's a problem. Therefore, you can't just dismiss this as "I made a big mistake" and expect that you are now owed sympathy and forgiveness for saying you made a mistake. what exactly was the mistake you made, when you knowingly, calculatingly, did something you KNEW was morally wrong and yet continued to do it over and over? if the other girl hadn't got pregnant thus producing lifelong evidence of your infidelity, would you still be sleeping with her now behind your girlfriend's back?
...............................
A
female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (9 January 2013):
Firstly it does frustrate me when I hear people say I am totally in love with my GF but I cheated on her. At the end of the day if you was totally in love with her then you would never of cheated on her. Now on to the actual advice, first things first...did you have unprotected sex with this woman? if not then you can not be certain it is yours. At the end of the day she has pursued a man who was not available, and if she has then had unprotected sex as well then she has done it knowingly that she is likely to get pregnant which means she basically all along wanted a baby, who knows if she wasn't doing this with other people too. Secondly you do need to come clean to your girlfriend. You have caused this mess and you need to suffer the consequences. Yes she is likely to leave you and as you say you deserve it but if she does decide to stay with you then she is prepared for what to come and you can start to rebuild your shattered relationship and potentially have a future together. And in future if you do get some hussy throwing herself at you maybe try to remember the girl at home who loves you unconditionally, looks after you if you are ill, makes your birthdays and Christmas's special, and wants more from you than just sex or a baby. There is no way of escaping this, you need to be the one that speaks to your girlfriend first before someone else does. Plus if you have been having unprotected sex with another woman then you also need to think about whether or not you have given something to your girlfriend. And if this baby is yours then you will have to be responsible for the baby however I would not recommend getting together with this other girl just because of the baby because that will become an utter mess. A child in a happy home is better than a child forced to live in a home with two parents who blame the child for them being together.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 Well I won't trash you any more than you've been trashed...
but here is my take on it
what you want at 14 is not what you want at 20 and what you want at 20 is not what you want at 30.
You do not love your GF with all your heart and soul. IF you did you would not have cheated.
LDRS are hard and it would have been better for the two of you at different schools to break up and have freedom. You didn't so now you have to suffer the consequences of your behavior. Sad as it is. Embarrassing as it is.
This is my take
1. you are responsible for the child you created. I would however demand a DNA test. Seriously... just because she SAYS she hasn't had sex with anyone else does not mean it's totally true. Did you NOT wear a condom?
2. you are responsible for the CHILD NOT the mother. DO NOT let her blackmail you or bully you into having a relationship with her. Find out what your rights and responsibilities to your child are. Contact an attorney (you may have to have mom and dad in on this as well since you will need money to pay for it) Have an agreement to pay x amount of child support, provide health insurance or whatever you need to do drawn and and make it contingent on the DNA proving you are the father. THEN BE A MAN and pay what you need to pay and see that child as often as the agreement permits. BUT make it CLEAR to this woman that you are NOT going to be in a relationship WITH HER. JUST YOUR CHILD. ( I wonder if she will change her tune since wanting a man to leave a long term partner to help raise a child seems to me a bit like entrapment.. did you know she was not on the pill when you had unprotected sex? or did the condom break?) I would NOT have a relationship with someone who DEMANDS that I end my current relationship to have one with her to help raise a child. A CHILD is a wonderful thing but it's no reason to have a relationship with someone. And I get a bad feeling based on her demands.
3. you must tell your girlfriend that you cheated on her (and that it was clearly NOT a one time thing 23 times in one month is nearly once every day... it was well thought out and planned no matter what you say) and then you must again suffer the consequences of your behavior.
your GF may dump you. (as most of the aunts here would advise her to do) she MAY forgive you but never trust you again (as is her right since you LIED and CHEATED)
she may forgive you and stay with you but make your life a living hell....
no matter what the relationship with the gf is now tarnished and no longer perfect or pristine and you will always be suspect. Consequences are critical.
BTW, you can't live your life worried about what mommy and daddy are going to say
your man enough to father a child
be man enough to face the consequences of your actions.
...............................
A
male
reader, tby1 +, writes (9 January 2013):
 I dont buy into all this crap that he can't love his gf enough. I loved the woman of my dreams and who I worked hard to get to be mine, the greatest time of my life was spent with her yet I made some silly mistakes, not got anybody pregnant hen not supposed to mind. I have never stopped and i never will stop loving her from when I met her til the day I die. I made wrong decisions but never once did I lose my feelings for her, I just didn't think I'd lose my world and all I wanted. So I don't think it's fair to lambast this lad with he can't have loved her
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 January 2013):
 First of all, you have to realise that you are lying to yourself when you claim you love your girlfriend with all of your heart. If that were true, a simple matter like a beautiful girl would not have been enough to make you cheat. Therefore if you can be tempted by something as common and basic as beauty, then you are not truly in love with your girlfriend.
I think what you have with your girlfriend is the typical, high school sweethearts type relationship. You have been together so long that you dont know anything different, and different is scary - you are so comfortable with her the idea of being with anyone else if too frightening to even comprehend. You are mistaking this comfort and the familiar with love. This kind of thing often happens with high school sweethearts, it is a silly teenage love that is easily swayed by other people, because what young guy (or young woman) doesnt want to experience other people? It is rather silly for teenagers to think they will be with their high school sweetheart for life, because you are human and you want to try new things, and that includes sex with new people.
Unless the love for your girlfriend was strong enough for you not to be tempted, then of course you are going to cheat when a hot girl offers it on a plate. Your biggest failure here is not using protection, that is about as dumb as you could possibly ever be.
So what do you do now? Put the child first. You are going to be a FATHER and that child NEEDS its father, whether you are ready or not. So this killing yourself idea is just about the most selfish thing you could ever do, you would saddle your girlfriend with guilt for the rest of her life, she would blame herself for your death, and then your child would be told by its mother that daddy killed himself because he didnt want to be with us as a family. So you would ruin 3 lives in the process of taking your own life - do you really want to do that, to your own child? Imagine growing up knowing that your dad didnt want you so badly that he took his own life, that would be so damaging to that child.
Your girlfriend isnt going to stay with you, no girl with any self respect would stay after something like this so prepare yourself now. And you cant hide a child from her either, so you are going to have to fess up and tell her what you have done. But keep reminding yourself at the same time that you never loved her enough anyway, and your fear of being without her is just the fear of the unknown.
As I said before, if you truly loved her this would have never happened - cheating always happens for a reason, it is not a simple random act. I think you wanted to experience something different because you have only ever known your girlfriend, you have reached the point in your relationship where it cant go any further because you wanted something different. This wasnt a one night mistake, this went on for a month - you wanted to cheat, you knew what you were doing and you happily went ahead. So stop with this "I love her with all my heart business" because that couldnt be further from the truth.
Now is the time to grow up - step up and be a man. This child needs a father, so time to be mature, be a man and take responsibility for your actions. You need to do the following things:
1. Tell your girlfriend EVERYTHING, even how many times you had sex and how it went on for a month. Dont try and make this seem better than it was, you at least owe her the truth and the whole truth. She will need all the facts to help her understand and move on from you, if you miss bits out she wont fully understand and will find it hard to get closure.
2. Tell your parents EVERYTHING - you live with them so this will affect their lives too, after all they are going to be grandparents in a few months. Yes they are going to be disappointed, no parents want this for their child but it cant be changed, and you are their son and they will love you no matter what.
3. Tell the mother of your child that you will support her and want to be involved in your child's life. You dont need to be in a relationship with her, and tell her that you need some time to get over your girlfriend, so nothing romantic can happen between the two of you for now. But you want to be there to support her through the pregnancy and want to be a good dad.
4. Find out all of her doctors appointments, scan dates, midwife appointments, antentatal classes etc. Make sure you are involved in every step of this pregnancy.
The best thing that can come out of this mess is that a child is born and it has a mum and a dad who are both involved in its life. You are going to have to put your own personal feelings aside, yes it is going to suck that you have lost your girlfriend but you made that choice when you slept with this girl. You cant think about yourself anymore or be selfish anymore, even if you are unhappy that has to be put aside and you need to think about your child.
You will eventually get over this, the pain will one day fade following the break up and you will one day be happy again. All you can do now is be honest, and be the best father you can possibly be. Nothing else matters anymore.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 I,instead, can blame you allright. Everybody gets temptations thrown their way, but if your relationship is solid and you CARE about it, you resist temptations. In fact, I have to doubt all your professions of everlasting love, because if the FIRST time some girl makes comehitherish eyes at you, you yield to temptation, well...
Anyway, no use cryng over spilled milk, what's done is done.
I am afraid you really have no other choice than fess up ,tell your gf what happened and why, and hope that, after a first natural moment of shock, she can find in her heart to forgive you, believe in the sincerity of your regret, and trust you again. It's really not feasible hiding from her the existence of a love ( or lust ) child for the rest of her life , regardless of the moral issues ; the child's mother could decide to take the matter into her own hands and tell yor gf, or your parents, directly.
I do hope she will forgive you, but, if she does not, as hard as it is for you to accept it, maybe she is not really your dream woman and you were not destined anyway to be happy together. Again, you yielded to temptation right away because : a) you were far from your gf b ) the chick was hot. Now, imagine how many occasions you could have in your life to be away from your wife for work, business, family etc.etec, and how many hot chicks you are destined to bump into during the course of a marriage, and draw your conclusions...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): As both you and your fling attend the same Uni it might be an idea to enlist the help of the Uni counsellor to sort matters out. One of you might also need to change classes depending on how your initial discussions pan out. You sound as if you still fancy this girl. Describing her as hot, a star and the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. Even now you still seem blown away by the thought that she wanted sex with you.So be true to yourself. Are you really happy with your current partner or just old bookends? Are you going through the motions and terrified of hurting her and letting down the people who thought you were settled with her? Personally I think you do protest too much about your love because anyone IN love, does not have sex with someone else once...let alone 23 times! They just wouldnt do that, especially without any protection! So maybe you arent in love but just love your partner. There is a big difference. You need to man up and tell your girlfriend what has happened. She might forgive you if you are lucky or she might leave you. The choice is hers to make just as sleeping outside of the relationship was YOUR choice. Whatever the outcome with your girlfriend, I would advise you get a STD check now and ask for a DNA check when the baby is born. Your fling knew you were in a relationship but still had sex with you and did not use protection. So she is rather suspect. You only have her word for it that she hasnt slept with anyone else. I would get a check done to be on the safe side and if you are the father be the best you can for your child, regardless of your love life and who you end up with.
...............................
A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (9 January 2013):
 Being so easily persuaded into bed isn't going to, in any circumstance, fool anyone into think you're madly in love with your girlfriend.23 times before you decided it was wrong? Thats advanced double digits, you're incredibly selfish.She would of been the first thing to come to your mind before you did it, you haven't stated you were on any sort of substance or alcohol so you were completely consious, and completely aware or what you were doing.Ever heard of the saying 'You don't know what you've got until it's gone'? That's what you're thinking about now, you messed up, you've wrecked a potential good future for someone you don't even know.I'm guessing you obviously thought she would of been worth it at the time but clearly wasn't, that's why you're feeling the regret, now shes about to change your life tremendously and you want the idea of the cushy life with your girlfriend back.I'm actually finding it annoyingly weird that you're claiming to be this much in love with your girlfriend, yet you're still refering to the woman thats not your girlfriend as the most beautiful woman you've met in your life, and your girlfriend is just 'fantastic'. I call bs on your love story.The last thing you should be worrying about is what your parents will think of you ruining a 6 year relationship, they're about to be grandparents, take responsibility for what you've done and tell them. You've got 6 months to tell your doting girlfriend what you've done and let her decide what she want's to do with you, you can't hide a child, so don't even try to.You don't have to be with the other woman, there is nothing that legally ties you to being with her just because she's having your baby, but you do have to be responsible to the child.Stop feeling sorry for yourself, throw your hand's up and tell anyone that rightfully deserves to know."I've lost so much sleep and meals over this, I'm a mess" - Your girlfriend deserves the sympathy here, not you.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 January 2013):
Man, I can't imagine being in your situation! I don't think you deserve it, long distance relationships are hard and you got with your GF so long ago, so I can't blame you. It's even possible your girlfriend has been tempted herself.
You have to tell your girlfriend and she may break up with you. There isn't anything you can do to guarantee that wont happen, but that was the risk you took.
So, tell your baby's mama you need a little time, then you tell your gf that you've made the biggest mistake of your life and then you tell her the truth. If she decides to stay with you and that's what you want, then you tell the other girl that you'll be there for your child, but you can't be with her. If your gf can't forgive you and you break up then you can tell the other girl you need some time to sort yourself out, but you'd be willing to give it a try with her.
You sound like a good guy, so be a good guy and be a father to your child no matter what happens. YOU screwed up, your child didn't, so don't punish them by not being there. TRUST ME, an absent dad can mess a kid up.
The longer you delay this, the longer you have to be in pain about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 I would like to say to you that you have some very difficult times ahead.Firstly you have to tell your gf about the other woman. Be totally honest - do not lie about anything. It will then be up to your gf to make the decision as to whether she wants to stay with you or not. Your gf also needs to be tested for sti's considering you had unprotected sex with another woman.Secondly, you need to tell the other woman that you will wait until the baby is born, do a paternity test just to make sure that the child is yours. Yes, you are going to have to have some contact and there will be child support, but you do not have to marry her just because she has had your child.If your gf leaves you it does not necessarily mean that you must get together with the other woman to raise this child. You have put yourself in a very difficult situation, and once again I urge you to be totally honest with your gf about what has happened.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): You need to own up and take responsibility for the horrible things you did and take all the consequences coming to you. That means you need to tell your gf that you have been sleeping with another woman and are going to be a father. You need to accept that she will leave you and her family will hate you. Sorry but actions have consequnces. You had 23 opportunities to not sleep with the other woman so you really don't deserve any mercy from your girlfriend or her family.So accept that you ruined your relationship and man up and tell your girlfriend and then move on from her and don't you dare even ask her forgiveness. 23 times you slept with the other woman! You have forfeited all tight to even ask for forgiveness because you don't deserve it. The most honorable thing you can do is let her leave you and say whatever she will to everyone about you.Then you need to figure out what you will do about the other woman. I don't think you should marry her as you don't love her. You owe her an apology too for using her for sex when you were supposed to be with someone else. But you need to commit to paying child support.Yes you derailed your life and that of your girlfriend and the other woman. Man up and take responsibility for your actions. don't try to weasel your way out of the consequences with more lies. Figure out why you did such a horrid thing as betraying your girlfriend. This is not normal, something is wrong within you if you truly loved her yet betrayed her 23 times. You need to figure out what it is so this doesn't become a pattern in all your future relationships.
...............................
|
