A
male
age
51-59,
*ustaguy71
writes:Hello, I am looking for advice to help me get back together with my wife. We were married for 8 years, knew each other for 15 probably, we have two boys 8 and 11. As people know that have kids, the intimacy in a relationship goes out the the door with kids unless you are very smart, but us, we never went out and she surfed facebook and had horses and the love just drifted. But I miss her so much now and want her back more than air nearly!She decided to separate with me 3 months ago, but its been 6 weeks she has been living with the kids in a caravan at her mothers place. There was no new person involved, but it was her being angry with me for not getting a job and not showing love anymore and looking "unhappy" I have been reading all those "get back with the ex" type sites etc. and they mostly all say you should not see them for 2 months minimum etc. Well that is not an option when you have kids and see them two to three times a week.Ever since she left, I always hug her when I see her with the kids and say I love you, but its getting old and she always says "I know you do" and yesterday it was a bit awkward and she said, "you always say that and I always say the same thing" so I have to just chill a bit. I mean, the other day on Friday I took her out for lunch before I picked the kids up from school (she was on her way to work) and I hold her hand and talk about some random stuff and I kiss her on the lips when we leave. It felt ok, she didn't pull away etc, it was nice.Then I got to talk to her the other night and we only had like 10 minutes before our kids ruined it and started interrupting and screaming. But in that time I managed to say a few things about wanting to talk about things in the future etc. Then the next day I met her to drop kids off and I hugged her and bit her on the neck. She didnt seem to hate it. BUT THEN I MADE A MISTAKE!I texted her on the drive back home and mentioned some intimate stuff we used to do, not a good idea as the next day she said the texting was a bit disturbing. So I go over board with the text and pour my heart out, have done this many times over the last few weeks. She never responds to emotional type messages, but as soon as you send a practical question about kids or the car there is a response immediately!!So yesterday on xmas day it was so awkward, I felt she didnt want to touch me and I still hugged her and kissed her on the head and ugh it was definitely not good.I just wonder why so many up and down days, but I need a game plan.I was thinking that I should just go cold like she is with me and not go for hugs anymore and ask her about stuff as she doesn't ask me. She texted me weeks ago saying "she missed me as well" but then my mother, who she despises called up at night asking where i was and she flipped out and never said anything like that since. How should I act to try to get her back?Any advice appreciated
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): she doesn't want to be with you anymore, so respect her wish to keep you at arm's length, by staying at arm's length.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (27 December 2012):
Thank you for your kind words Justin. And you are most welcome!
I think taking it day by day is the best thing you can do. I realise that you haven’t liked all of the responses you’re getting here but honestly you really do need to keep a bit of a distance in the way you behave towards this lady because you are separated at the moment. I think what people are trying to say to you is that touching her, hugging her and making other such gestures is probably going to make her think you’re either refusing to take onboard what she’s saying or that you’re too immature. It’s going to do you no favours. Unfortunately you can’t pour your heart out to her at the moment or carry on acting like she’s your wife. Maybe you should ease up on helping her with other things such as her car, unless it’s necessary for the kids which I suppose that probably is, to be fair. She doesn’t want movies, flowers and chocolates. I think that you should definitely focus on yourself first. Keep applying for as many jobs as you can, and show her that you understand what a separation is and can accept it. Then perhaps in the new year you can talk to her at an opportune moment and tell her how much you want her back, show her all the jobs you’ve been applying for and tell her that you understand the reasons for the breakup. As I said in my first answer there’s a chance she won’t want to get back with you. Hopefully that isn’t the case but if it is, at least trying to get used to behaving in a different way towards her in acceptance of the changed nature of your relationship will help you adjust if there’s no going back. Of course we’re always here as a support on this great site.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 December 2012):
 I totally agree with the last poster...
YOU hugging her and touching her and BITING HER ON HER NECK... if my ex did that to me when he wanted to get back together I would have filed assault charges. I think she lets you do it since you do it in front of the children and she doesn't want to make a scene.
YOU want her back... you project that feeling onto her and think she wants you back. IF she did, you would clearly be back.
LET IT GO.
when you do the kid exchange, DO NOT touch her... do not look at her longingly... in fact, treat her like a polite stranger.
Figure out how to get on with your life without her and have enough respect for her to let her get on with hers.
IF you truly love her you want her happy right? Well she's happier without you. LET HER BE.
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A
male
reader, justaguy71 +, writes (27 December 2012):
justaguy71 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSome of you are just downright rude, some of you have made really insightful comments.Thanks so much to o no nonsense Aidan and CMMP, you really hit the nail on the head and thanks for your best wishes, great posts, and fantastic advice, you are both spot on and thanks for taking the time to write on the thread you guys. Thanks to Aunty Bim Bim, yeh u are right, I love your blunt in your face sledgehammer honesty, it hit a nerve and I liked both your responses, thanks for posting bim bim. I think you are wrong with the flowers though, I didnt wrtie a mushy note it was just to enjoy the chocolates and chill out, she was stressed at the time, and she didnt even have to acknowledge she got them but she did and I dont think flowers are ever a bad thing. But of course I wont go over board with them.thanks to others that made constructive comments.She asked me to take her new car to the garage to be fixed, I did it for her, chased up the car, found the one she wanted in fact. No one mentioned the "miss me" text saying she cant come back YET. THESE are the reasons that I tried to hold onto something, its just something switched after my mother called her that messed it up. So I will just take each day at a time, try to deliver what she wants. I mean, I did buy a house outright, two vehicles a caravan, all our stuff from the money I made. But I understand the week to week money does have to come in and this is the issue, I made stacks of money in the past and have struggled the last couple years. I have been an internet entrepreneur over the last 12 years and have never had to get a "real" job,have applied for hundreds with a couple of interviews over the last year, not much out there, I know its an easy thing to say, but I will just try harder, it will happen. best wishes to those that I mentioned Justin
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 December 2012):
 Let her be, you are probably driving her nuts and forcing her to a big effort to be polite to you as the father of her children .
She is not doing anything strange, she is acting as it is normal and correct for two spouses who are de facto separated : civil communications for all that concerns kids and practical stuff, no mushy things that are meant for lovers.
I think that your only vague chance of getting her back
would be if you stop "telling" her , either in person or in written, that you are going to make an effort, and you actually DO the effort. Like, getting a job and keeping it and proving that you are willing and able to take care of business.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 December 2012):
 Oh FFS! she doesn't want your freaking flowers, she doesn't want you making goo goo eyes at her, she doesn't want you giving her movies, she doesn't want any of those meaningless bloody soppy bullshit bloody crappy overtures.
She wants you to get a job. She wants you to be a partner, not a bloody princess that weeps and wails all over the place "oh woe is me perhaps a nice bunch of flowers and a box of choccies" bloody hell man! Are you on something or something?
All that crap is meaningless without the TRUE and HONEST committment and willingness to at least acknowledge the problems. None of the reasons she left you will be kissed better with a box of cadbury roses or a $6 bunch of carnations from the local deli. Those reasons go so deep I even doubt a floral arrangment encompassing 24 dozen long stemmed roses and a love note hand written by Brad Pitt will do it for you.
Stop with the shallow bs. Get off your arse and get a job, and if you lose that job work out why you lost it, get another job and don't repeat the same mistakes. As things stand now the woman is quite obviously better off in a caravan in her parents yard than she would be with you in her face. Get a job and keep it and you will be a way lot closer to getting back with her than you are now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2012): Yes you should act as cold to your wife as she is to you because her behavior to you shows how she feels about you so it is absurd to be acting on your part as if she had feelings for you. Your wife has lost all feelings for you thats why she will readily respond to business like texts about the kids but has zero interest in your personal emotional texts. She doesnt want you to be acting like you're still a couple because she doesn't want to be with you as evidenced by her leaving you. After causing her so much pain and anger that she left you, for you to now be all huggy and kissy is sort of rude!!If you suspect she might pull away when you go to hug or kiss her because she has done that before then for goodness sake STOP imposing your touch on her! At the very least its annoying and at worst its offensive to a woman to have her boundaries disrespected by someone claiming to care about her. Being huggy and kissy with her will not win her back because its too late for that she already has lost feelings for you. Right now she feels creeped out because she already thinks you're a loser and here you are talking about doing intimate stuff and trying to touch her etc. Unless she specifically invited you to touch her or she initiated it, you should not touch her anymore! Otherwise you're just going to make her more and more uncomfortable around you. You need to show some courtesy and respect her boundaries. You wouldn't go up to a complete stranger and kiss them and stuff would you? Of course not so you shouldn't do that to someone who clearly does not want to be in a relationship with you. Get a job first and work hard to be successful in it. Reinvent yourself to make yourself more attractive to her. Lose weight, tone up, dress better, whatever. But don't initiate anything with her. Stop trying to get her to want you if you've not made any positive major changes. She left you for a reason. There isn't anything that can guarantee she will want you back. The best you can do is make the positive changes in your life and see if she starts to see you differently. Maybe she will maybe she won't. Maybe by then she will have met someone new. Who knows but this is still your best bet because you already had your chance all those years being married to her and you blew it. Nothing can guarantee you yet another chance so on some level you need to start preparing to accept this separation as final.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (27 December 2012):
Leave her alone! She doesn't want shallow gestures that she can see right through. She wants you to be a better man. Thats not something flowers and other small gifts are going to accomplish. Wait a few days and think of what you need to say without being sentimental.
Then get to work on yourself.
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A
male
reader, justaguy71 +, writes (27 December 2012):
justaguy71 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShould I text her and say I want to make a real effort or best to not use text and tell her in person after I have cooled it for a few days?
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male
reader, justaguy71 +, writes (27 December 2012):
justaguy71 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Aidan, so not even give her movies? Fair enough. I tried really hard not to hug her this morning wth kids drop off but I failed a little bit and just put m arm arond her and said have a good day. When should I tell her I want to talk to her or should I just cool it for the next few days and just speak to her in the future?
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (27 December 2012):
Don’t do it. That’s not going to solve anything.
Giving her videos to watch, or buying her gifts however nice, aren’t the way to save your marriage. She’s separated from you, and you’re carrying on like you’re still in a relationship with her. IF there’s any chance for you both it’s really important that you really take what we’re saying onboard: you need to talk to her, tell her how you feel and show her what you’re going to do to try and make things better. There were reasons why your marriage has broken down, reasons which you need to show a real effort to work on. Otherwise all the videos, flowers and chocolates in the world aren’t going to bring her back to you. You need to try and find work. It’s one of the hardest things being unemployed but you’ve got to show you’re not giving up or being too fussy about what jobs you do. Give it 100% because that’s what she needs to see. Talk to her about how you can make better use of quality time together to keep reminding each other of how much you love each other. Give her something to believe that things can be different. She knows you love her, that’s clear from your post. But she sees nothing that was wrong with your marriage being addressed.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, justaguy71 +, writes (26 December 2012):
justaguy71 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys and girls, you're all right, yes I do get it. Sometimes we are too stupid to really get it. I expect things to change because in my head I still love her but all I can offer her is to say I love you and say things will be different and hug and kiss her. I have the kids today and was thinking of dropping in some episodes of vampire diaries for her at work, do you think thats a good idea or bad one? And I guess flowers are a no no? I did send some flowers and chocolates the other week she said she liked them etc. On the note I said, "try not to stress" or something. Anyway, yeh those flowers were prob a bad idea but I did send them, what do u think about dropping the videos in?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 December 2012):
It's simple: forcing affection will drive her away, not bring her closer.
You have a history and kids together, this is a very powerful thing.
But you must understand why she dumped you. You were a "loser" and you didn't treat her like she wanted.
So, stop being a loser, be proactive. Get a job, work out, pay attention to how you dress, etc. Be the man she waited for but who never appeared.
STOP being affectionate toward her. The most you could do would be to tell her that you understand why she left her and you don't blame her because you just took her for granted and neglected your relationship and her needs for too long. Don't go overboard and don't apologize anymore, you're just reminding her that you screwed up.
I was in a similar situation as you and what worked for me was not trying to figure out how to win her back, but to figure out why she wanted to leave me. Needless to say it was an eye opener. I started to understand so much and felt like an idiot for letting things get to this point and always thinking I was right. I told her that I finally understood and I wanted to be the man she deserved and that I wanted to be with her but I needed time so I could get my crap together. I did want her to forgive me, I wanted to earn her love again by actions, not promises.
If you get her back don't ever make the same mistakes because you won't get a third chance! Treat her well and demonstrate your love. For some reason women need that more than men. Don't be a loser, women need to feel taken care of.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 December 2012):
I need to ask what you have been doing in the three months since you contacted us to change your life around, to find work and be more of a parent to your children rather than just another person for your wife to take care of.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/marriage-in-trouble-but-could-we-get-back.html
Your wife wants you to get a job. What are you doing about that?
I doubt very much your wife will take you back until you make some positive changes in your life, as you tell us, your long and many texts full of emotional outpourings are ignored while texts about the children or the car get an immediate response.
That tells me she wants you to quit the clap trap,it's no good trying to talk the talk when you are refusing to walk the walk. Get off your backside and get a job! Show her you mean business and you might stand a chance, otherwise she will continue to comment how you always say the same things and she always responds the same ..... in other words change the record!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (26 December 2012):
If you want to know why things are so up and down between you at present, it’s because you’re supposed to be separated yet you carry on acting like you’re together around each other. Then reality kicks in and you remember you’re not, that’s why she reacted like she did to the text you sent about intimate things.
The reality is that this confusion of boundaries between you is going to make both of you unhappy. If you want to get back together then you need to get her alone (ideally with a babysitter looking after the kids but if not when they’re least likely to interrupt) and tell her that this is what you want. Tell her how much she means to you and how much you want to work on the marriage. If you miss her, tell her. But don’t just say what you want, tell her how things can be different. In your post you’ve showed us a clear understanding of why things broke down, show your wife too that you understand the reasons and tell her some ideas about how things can be different. Do you need to try and find more time just for each other, to relax and spend as you choose with each other? What else can you do to show her you’re trying, and what compromises do you need from her? The point is simply that you need to show her that you realise things need to change and that you’ve thought about it. Even if it’s just to get that conversation about working things out started.
Unfortunately there is of course a chance that she does not want to work things out and that it’s over. If that’s the case I think you need to keep your distance because it’s just going to be too painful for you. Pick the kids up and drop them back, but don’t go out to lunches and keep trying to make a move on her. Resist the temptation to call or text her over anything other than practical matters. If she doesn’t want to fix the marriage like you do, you need that distance to help you come to terms with the fact that it’s over. Concentrate on spending time with your kids and finding enjoyment through them. At the end of the day 2 great things came out of a marriage even if it didn’t last.
I wish you all the very best.
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