A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have no idea what to do or dont do. I made a few promises to my girlfriend and two of them are to never do anything sexual to her (including kissing) and never masterbate. Since my girlfriend thinks sex is gross and painful, I respected her decision and promise so I can keep her happy. But I can be very affectionate with her and many times I get sexual urges but refuse them. Not even to reproduce (I will respect that and agreed to adopt a child. plus I dont want her to go through pain of giving birth) and no kissing at our wedding. I am affectionate but im not wanting sex. Im not wanting it, not hating it, not grossed from, or see pleasure in it (obviously I will see pleasure once I do it). But again I dont want to cause her pain so that makes me to decline sex more often. I dont even have condoms on me believing she wont change her mind.So... what?Any advice or comments????
View related questions:
condom, kissing, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 December 2013):
 At 16 she has every right to ask you to “keep your hands to yourself” but that’s all.
She has no say in whether or not you masturbate and to think she does is outrageous.
In addition, part of being in an adult loving romantic relationship is being intimate both physically and emotionally.
HER requests are not of the normal realm. And to be honest there is no way I would have ever asked this of anyone nor complied with it as a partner.
My advice is stay with her as long as you like but be aware that eventually you will as a normal male tire of “can’t touch this” with her. I would also prepare her for the inevitable, "i'll be leaving once adulthood sets in and you continue to remain chaste, pure, celibate and untouched"
if she is truly asexual and you are not this relationship will never work.
I’ve had two children. The pain of their birth (both by c-section after long labors) eludes me. The pain of other things stays with me… broken ankles hurt way more than child birth… if she is to avoid pain forever is she going to live in a box?
Sounds like your gf could benefit from some counseling.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2013): She is not touching herself also? Thisis against nature. You both will be very miserable human beings. This life is all about sexuality. That's why we appeared on ERth because our parents had sex.
This is how living creatures keep on living. First of all why she desided that sex is painfull. May be a bit for women the first time, but it's not something to be sooo afraid of. If sheis so terrified of this moment, she can surgically remove hymen, I heard people do it, and don't feel a thing.
Second of all, yes, labor is painfull, but with modern medicine when they give you this shot you feel nothing. Unless women want only natural birth.
And why no kissing? And why YOU shouldn't touch yourself? I think she is childish and so do you, if you guys think that it's actually realistic.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 December 2013):
 OK you're both young and you don't know what you're signing up for...neither of you. You're ready to abstain from all forms of sex and she doesn't even want you to kiss her. Either she was molested as a child or she's from an EXTREMELY protected environment where her parents have taught her to never let any guy touch her and have instilled the concepts of morality and virginity in her and she refuses to think out of that box.
Life isn't this easy OP, it never is. Maybe not now, but if you love the person, you will DEFINITELY feel the need to show that love and get intimate when the time is right and trust me, there is *nothing* wrong or shameful or immoral about that. I too was very rigid about many things, not to the extent of your girlfriend, but I never had any sexual activity till I was almost 24-25. I just hadn't come across the right person and I was very sure that I didn't ever want to do anything that I would regret. But now that I'm engaged to a wonderful man and obviously I'm a lot older than you and I can tell you from experience, I love the intimacy that we share and nothing can ever be better than that. With a loving partner and in a committed relationship, sex is never "gross". Its the opposite of gross, if I can even put it that way. Its the most beautiful, intimate, passionate act that connects two people and brings you even closer to each other. So if you think that you're both fine with living like monks and sleeping on the same bed and not even touching each other, then you're mistaken because not only is it not going to be easy, its not the most healthy way of approaching a relationship in the first place. You will end up getting frustrated and unhappy in your relationship because you are being denied of your natural needs and eventually there will be a stage when you will feel, what the hell...this is absolutely ridiculous!! And whether you will even ant to continue in the relationship after that, is the question. I'm not saying that you jump into bed with her right away and get it over with; certainly not!! But yes, eventually when you are both older and settled in the relationship, you will have to confront this issue. When you're 16, its easy to say you don't want a baby and you'll just adopt. Easier said than done OP. Of course if you're healthy and capable of it, you WILL want your own baby and again, there is NOTHING wrong in having that desire; our parents were not wrong in thinking that they wanted to get us into the world! You too will feel the same way, some day. And why shouldn't you?
Your girlfriend needs to confront her irrational fears and you both need to talk it out. Why is she so afraid of intimacy? As regards the masturbation aspect, I think she doesn't even want to view you as a person who can have any sexual urges and she wants you to be the way she's built you up in her head. What is it that really bothers her? The fear of painful first-time sex? The moral aspect? Does she think she'll become "dirty" if she engages in sexual activity? Maybe she needs to talk to a therapist if things are really this bad.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 December 2013):
 That is ridicolous. At 16 , some girls are wary / afraid at the idea of sex- and that is not necessarily a bad thing, in fact it will keep them out of trouble untile their body/mind/emotions will have matured and be ready, but your gf's case is different, she says that she is never going to be ready and she seems to have a very warped, distorted , dysfunctional idea of sexuality . No masturbation too ? Why for Pete's sake ?! masturbation is healthy, natural and... inevitable for people deprived of other physical outlets. If YOU should decide to abstain- or at least try to abstain, for religious reasons , I could get thet, the concept of giving up instant gratification in the name of an ideal of total integrity / moral AND physical ; it's not a concept I agree with, but at least it makes sense. But, you want to become a monk,basically, because you have an emotionally disturbed gf ? ..Absurd. Advise her to seek therapy for her issues, her fear of physical contact ( including kisses on her wedding day ! ) is abnormal - maybe she had some sexual trauma , or was molested as a child ?... Hopefully with proper support and guidance she'll come to see things in another perspective.
But in the meantime, don't get involved in her mind trips,- RUN.
...............................
A
male
reader, devont  +, writes (22 December 2013):
 If someone I was dating when I was your age had said to me 'I never want any sexual contact, not even kissing' I would have said 'ok, it was nice knowing you' and ran for the hills. I'm not too concerned with the sex, you're too young for that and it probably does seem gross now, but what I am astounded by is the ban on masturbation and no kisses on your WEDDING DAY?! Masturbation is up to you, it does not involve her. WHY exactly does she not want you to do it? Imagine going to a wedding where the bride and groom wouldn't kiss each other?! Has the only reason she's given because it will hurt and is gross? And it is not that she wants to wait for marriage, she NEVER wants to do these things?I would talk to her and say that if she's not READY for the physical side of the relationship that's fine, but eventually you would like to kiss her and one day maybe have sex. But to completely write it out of your relationship is not fair... That's not a romantic relationship, that's a friendship.You deserve someone who is attracted to you and prepared to show it. All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (22 December 2013):
 wait a minute here .. let me get this straight. your girlfriend says she doesn't want to kiss or have sex, EVER? not even on your wedding day? and you're not to masturbate either?? i'm sorry, but WTF? this is really too much. no body can handle that. that's setting yourself up for a life of pure misory.
honestly, this girl is not for you. no body can go through a life like this forever. you will be starving for affection and physical/sexual affection. it's human nature. is she even into guys? if she says sex is gross and she doesn't want to kiss you, perhaps she's not even attracted to guys and is just not aware of it yet. you both are quite young and it's possible she's unaware of her sexuality yet.
when i was her age, i found myself not wanting to do things physically with guys. i dated them and wouldn't let them touch me either. then i met my first girlfriend, and that ALL changed. lol. so looking back, i realize it was because i was gay and completely uncomfortable and put off with men.
either way, i feel so sorry for you. you think you can do this. but there's no way. maybe for a year or two. and if you are capable, maybe a handful of years. but eventually you will be starved for physical gratification. and you will become extremely resentful of her. and rightfully so.
a part of a healthy, adult relationship is physical contact. without it, how are you any different than friends?
good luck to you, friend. i wish you all the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (22 December 2013):
 Is your girlfriend asexual? Sounds like it. Maybe a victim of sexual abuse? The point is, are you unhappy? What do you feel about the way you've modified your life in accordance with her wishes? Do you think you could live like this?
...............................
A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (22 December 2013):
 The kind of control she is wanting to have over your body is nearly sadistic. Not wanting to have sex? Yea, I can understand that, and respect that at her age- but she's doing it for very misguided reasons.
She is probably one of those girls who heard horror stories about the pain of having sex for the first time and is overreacting by saying, "Nope, never." It truly isn't that painful, at least from what I've gathered. She should want to abstain from sex for the reason that she isn't emotionally ready, does not want the responsibilities of a child, and things of the like.
Sex (in general) is not gross. Same goes for masturbation. Masturbation is a way for your body to naturally release stress. It's been proven that masturbating daily greatly lowers risk of stress-related illness. The fact that she's trying to control that is ignorant to your needs as a person, and way over the line of being controlling.
And not kissing? To me, that's one of the things that separates a platonic and romantic relationship. If you don't show affection, what's the difference between being friends and in a relationship?
I admire that you're so willing to be whatever she wants.. but it's also worrisome. You shouldn't let anyone have so much power over your everyday life.
Physical action is not the only part of a relationship, but it is a large component. And just because you may kiss or hug or whatever does not mean you need to take it to the level of sex.
I apologize if my answer has gotten a little jumbled or I sound like a babbling idiot, but how preposterous this is confuses me.
In short: she is being controlling and is probably misinformed and you should seriously reconsider your relationship with her, unless you're okay with this, which you obviously are not because you came here for help.
I wish you the best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (22 December 2013):
 It is unreasonable and unrealistic of your girlfriend to expect, from you, a lifetime commitment to sexual abstinence. And the prohibition to masturbate is really over reaching.
Whether or not you want to make an issue of it is up to you. At your age sex, and certainly procreation, should be a non issue for several years. And chances are you and your girlfriend will part ways long before it matters.
Masturbation is something you do with your own body and as long as it's done at an appropriate time and place, others are not entitled to know about it, much less impose restrictions on it. So you can either do it on your own without telling her, because she doesn't have a right to know about it anyway, or you can come right out and tell her to mind her own bloody business. Your call.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (22 December 2013):
 It is impractical to be making long term plans when you are 16. I'd had urges at 15, but it wasn't until I was 19 that I said to myself, "Sex will be painful, but it will be enjoyable later so I will just do it." Wait a few more years, then have a talk again to see if anything changes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 December 2013):
 You are 16-17 and she is basically asking you to be abstinent for the rest of your life for HER sake? Do you think that is fair? Are you asexual? No desires? If she wanted you to jump of a bridge, would you do it?
Does she love ice cream, but because you don't want her to have the enjoyment of ice cream she should never eat it?
How about your mom? She gave birth to you, right? Just like her mother did. Pain is part of that. It IS OK to not want children (there are plenty of kids out there who need loving parents) but to decide at YOUR age that she won't ever have sex or have children because of the pain? THAT IS RIDICULOUS. I tell you this, though. I told my husband NO more children after our first child. Guess what? We had 2 more.
Sex isn't gross and painful. Or at least it shouldn't be. But again for someone who is AS YOUNG as you two, then maybe it is "gross" which means she IS NOT ready for it. I find it kind of sad that she has that attitude (though again at your age maybe it's not a bad thing, because at least she won't get knocked up and be a teen mom). But sex is not at all gross. I mean HOW do you think there are over 7 billion people in the world if sex was so "gross"? If childbirth so horrible?
What you two have is platonic. Which is OK, but I don't think it will last, because it's not realistic.
Never masturbate? So it's better that you becomes sexually frustrated?
You are letting someone DICTATE what is pretty darn NATURAL to become gross.
Go for it, though. It's kind of sweet that you are willing to give up being a teenage boy to please a girl. Now, my question is.. what is SHE giving up, to make you happy?
...............................
|
