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I overheard my wife saying that her ex was the best sex she'd ever had and now my ego is shattered!

Tagged as: Friends, Marriage problems, Sex, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 July 2018) 25 Answers - (Newest, 7 August 2018)
A male United States age 36-40, *udom2000 writes:

So my ego has been devastated and I really don’t know how to handle this. Turns out I’m not the best sex my wife has ever had. Any advice is appreciated.

About a week ago my wife had one of her friends at our house for some drinks. After hanging out with them for a while I decided to go to our bedroom and leave them alone so they could have their girl talk. I could clearly hear their conservation as they were speaking loud, joking around and laughing. Moments later, however, I noticed they were kinda’ whispering to each other, but I could clearly make out their conversation. They were talking about ex-boyfriends and how another mutual friend of them cheated on her husband with an ex-boyfriend because he was better in bed. Then the friend asked my wife if she had ever been tempted to cheat on me with (insert ex-boyfriend’s name), to which my wife replied saying hell no, that she would never risk our marraige like that. The friend then asked my wife if (insert ex boyfriend’s name) was really that good in bed (from what I could tell my wife had already told her in the past that he was the best sex partner she has ever had), and my wife replied saying yes, he was really good, that she has only been able to have multiple orgasms with him, she even described how he would carry her in his arms and f*ckher against the wall or in the air. But she also said he was a low life irresponsible douche bag, and wasn’t worth cheating on me with him.

Needless to say, I was devastated to hear this (though I’m glad she would never cheat on me). I’ve always considered myself to be good in bed. We’ve been married for 7 years and my wife has always said I was her best sex, that she loves how I use my fingers and tongue. But now I know she was lying.

I would like to hear from other guys who have been through this. How did you handle it? How did you overcome this feeling of being a loser?

I would also like to hear from women who ended up marrying some who was not their best sex. Do you girls miss the “good” sex? Do you girls ever think of your exes?

Please, any advice would be helpful.

View related questions: her ex, orgasm

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A male reader, orb32 Germany +, writes (7 August 2018):

First and foremost sorry for the position that you're finding yourself in. Your feelings are yours and yours alone. Nobody has the right to tell you how you should be feeling or shame you into accepting their ideas or theories of life and how to live it. Because after all that's all it is, their ideals. 100% of the comments here have been from people who are NOT in your shoes and therefore have little if any idea as to how to handle this particular situation. We'd all like to claim to have all the knowledge needed to withstand whatever cards life may play against us but we don't. No one does. We are all giving you advice from the comfort of our home, safe and a far away from the problem that only you are facing. Sweeping this issue under the rug (as some here have advised) isn’t going to help and in fact will proof to be counterproductive to your mental well-being.

Now, obviously it was immature of your wife to talk about sex that she's had with her past partner. He is after all in the past and has no place in your marriage. Not to mention very disrespectful. Just reverse the situation and imagine your wife overheard you talking to your guy friends about one of your ex-girlfriends, telling him how amazing sex was with her, how sweet and feminine she was compared to your wife. She'd resent your for it, guaranteed! However, she doesn't have to worry about that happening because a person who thinks before they speak will avoid badmouthing their significant other. Period. No excuse!

Personally I’d be most disappointed that she would reveal such things to an outside person, meaning anyone who isn’t a part of your marriage. A marriage and all that it entails is private unless and until both agree together to reveal whatever information it may be that the one wishes to reveal. Whether or not that makes me insecure is totally secondary to the issue at hand. She is married to you! Not her ex or her girlfriend/s. And let’s not pretend that she wasn’t aware of what she did. Clearly she knew what she did and that she shouldn’t have done it. Otherwise she would have had no problem saying what she did in front of you. But she didn’t, because she knew it was wrong. And let’s not accept the comments saying it is just normal girl talk, because she’s a married woman, not a teenage girl.

Here’s how I’d like to believe that I would handle your situation. I say ‘’ believe’ because I don’t actually know how I’d really react and feel if I were confronted with such a situation.

I would need to discuss it with her, I’d need to know why she felt it acceptable to talk about her ex with her friend, and why she felt it acceptable to reveal such intimate information about me and us to her friend behind my back. No matter if it’s her friend, mom, sister, or pastor! They have no say in your marriage to her and should always come in second place to you. I’m not the kind of person to blow things out of proportion but I’m also not a rug sweeper.

Honestly the sex part to me would be secondary. First would be the breach of trust by revealing personal (In this case intimate) information about me to anyone outside our marriage. Clearly the sex part is not something that can be changed. It happened. She had her fun in her youth and eventually settled down. However, if you wanted to you could improve on the sex part by talking to her about what she liked and how she likes it. There is a 90% chance for you to successfully become the best sex she’s ever had. But first you have to set some healthy boundaries between the two of you. And don’t avoid expressing to her how her words made you feel. She ought to see the effects that hear action have on you. I am stone cold and brutally honest in that regard.

All that being said. I am not in your shoes or ever been in a situation to compare it to other then having had past business partners who were obviously wise beyond repair. Anyway, take what you need and leave the rest.

I just noticed you’ve made this post some time ago, but since I’ve gone through all the trouble of writing it all down, I’ll post it anyway and wish you all the best.

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A male reader, wiseoldman United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2018):

In the 80s I had a wild affair with one of the girls sharing the apartment. We were both mid-twentysomethings; she was very presentable in the extreme, I was still built like a boy, though an adult and 'enthusiastically formed' in a way her university professor B/F was not. He sometimes dropped by for weekends; weekdays were when she and I devoured one another for want of a better term. For instance, I returned home once to find her lying on my bed, wearing very little, reading the story of 'O' (the affair was that way inclined) masturbating and smiling at me.

But she never acknowledged us. Ever. And when she broke off with him she never publicly said I was a replacement because she didn't want to have to explain the situation to girlfriends or parents. She told me very seriously that i was the best she's ever had, but it wasn't enough to keep us together as far as she was concerned and within about three months she moved out.

I'm a lot happier now with someone much younger, far more beautiful and warmly unselfish, so I suppose I've 'won', if one can, but at least in your situation you have the important consolation of someone who's sticking by you and not caring that physio-psychologically you may not fulfil her in the same way her ex did- but that state of mind cannot last any more than a Roman Candle can flare forever. Both burn out with no possibility of redress.

Enjoy what you have- she loves you so don't force her to leave.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (16 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntAnonymous reader not only does your comment seem low, it is also bullying and offensive! It also sounds like you are being spiteful and jealous against this woman! Looks are only skin deep and fade, but your comments are ugly which says a lot about your personality! At least your husband didn't judge his ex on her looks alone.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2018):

I totally understand how you feel. Although some people might call your ego fragile, you are human and to me it is natural to feel hurt especially if she lied to you. My husband admitted to me years before we got married that the reason why he was with his ex was just because of good sex...he even added that she used to put her legs behind her head. I also saw a pic she posted showing off her flexibility...I can't do that. But at the end of the day, (and this might sound really low), she is facially challenged. So it doesn't bother me that much. I just asked him if he placed a paper bag over her head especially as she might be making hideous faces.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (13 July 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI understand why some are suggesting you speak to your wife about it, but I think that should be a last resort, as you eavesdropped and she'll know you did, which could reduce her trust in you allowing her to have private conversations with her friends, even if she's a little drunk or loud. If she wasn't shouting it - you said she was "whispering" (even clearly_ - then it was up to you not to listen.

Lesson 1: She couldn't have told you that she'd had better

2: Don't eavesdrop

3: Don't tell her unless you bottle it up and cause probems

4: Unless she specifically said "HE WAS THE BEST OVERALL", you're assuming it and shooting yourself in the foot

Who wants to be stuck with the best sex partner for 50 years if nothing else works? Nobody.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (12 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntTalk to your wife, if you don't you will end up holding on to all this resentment and it will show in the marriage weather you want it to or not, so please sit down and tell her how you are feeling. Communication is important in a marriage and you are both married so it is good to be open and honest with each other. She might be able to put your mind at rest and explain things to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2018):

Seriously are you sure they wasn't discussing fifty shades of grey or something?

I have without a doubt slept with men who were more experienced than my boyfriend and with little else between us than sex and I honestly cannot not do not want to remember. What makes my boyfriend the best lover is he loves me, wants to please me and we make each time special and I am the best lover I can be for him but do I know I'm the best? No idea, unless I eavesdrop a conversation I'll never know.

If you can't let it go you need to speak to your wife and get it from the horses mouth but I say try and leave it and focus on your marriage but if you can't let it go you talk and communicate!! Best of luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2018):

I'm sorry but I find it hard to believe that within earshot your wife would have been seriously bringing up some dude from years ago, I don't discuss my sex life or past conquests with my friends and vice versa, are you sure this wasn't some jokey thing they had going on??

I have had sex with lots of men before my boyfriend and can't actually recall any specific times, they are simply not on par with sex with deep feelings as I have for my partner now.

You need to let this go, be the best husband in all ways for her, she sounds like she knows your worth already. Don't dwell on it, just let it go. My boyfriend had a threesome with two women, admitted it was fun at the time, he will never do that with me as not my thing so yes you can think she experienced something that you can't recapture (as I thought) but you know what isn't being in love with that person special in its own right and not sex as a singular thing?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2018):

First of all, I completely understand why you feel shattered, and honestly I would too if I heard my husband say that, BUT with that being said, I honestly think that a lot of this was just meaningless girl talk/bragging about exes since the topic was raised. From what I can tell, your wife didn't even say that he was the best (you just assume that she had at some point), just that he "really was that good". That's not the best and we don't even know if she thinks that. I'm sure you've had other great partners in bed who have done something or other that has been a bit unique or different.

I think another aspect of what is going on is that the talk was about exes, and specifically about exes who were good in bed. If you were with a couple of guy friends shooting the bull, so to speak, and they were going through the hottest gfs they had ever had, and asked you to name someone who was really memorable in the sack, I doubt you'd say "oh yeah it's my wife". First of all, that's not really the kind of thing that your friends are going for when they ask you to name the best lay. It's honestly the same for girls, I can't really imagine naming my husband when they ask me about any particularly memorable sex experiences (even though he is very good in reality, I wouldn't go on about it...for one it feels too special/private and also there is this feeling that you are more vulnerable if you talk about your current ongoing relationship. Bragging about something in the past is different, it's "oh yeah that was a great lay but glad i'm done with it".

On the good news, I think that your wife certainly does think you are good in bed, there were no complaints about you and she wouldn't be tempted to cheat, so I'm guessing the sex is pretty damn great.

As for your question "did any of you ladies not marry the best in bed?"...Again, I think this question is kinda difficult because out of the "good in bed" guys, they were good at different things and it depends. One for example was great at the actual deed, but not so great at foreplay while another was amazing at foreplay so really got me in the mood, but wasn't the best at the actual thing. Anyway, main thing is of course the whole package. My point is that there will be things everybody is and isn't good at, even among the "great' in bed category.

One final thing to consider is: have you ever told your wife that SHE is the best YOU have had? I only ask this because once I told hubbie this and he didn't reply similarly and that was the end of me saying that (and also I like to think it wasn't true out of spite!). If you didn't tell her she is your best then she is probably bitter and has re-decided who her best was.

Honestly another piece of good news is that you have the ongoing opportunity to prove how amazing you are day after day!

I would confront her about overhearing what she said. I would tell her how hurt you are that you feel she lied to you all these years and explain that was really hard to take. See what she says.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 July 2018):

My only concern is that we men tend to suppress our emotions; but suppressed-emotion tends to manifest or surface as some other form of behavior. Usually bad!

I fear your sex-life is going to be hampered by performance-anxiety; and resentment will evolve into frustration, which ultimately becomes anger. Men always resort to aggression when we can't handle our emotions.

It's seems very simplistic to say you should focus more on the positive things you discovered; and turn the bad things into motivation. It's simple wisdom. You have no other choice.

She likes being lifted and have sex in upward-positions. She didn't say you were the worst lover she ever had. You jumped to that conclusion out of your own vanity, jealousy, and a fragile-ego.

You're probably average to better. We can all recall certain sexual-acts and/or partners that stood-out above any others. A certain sexual-experience that tops the list. Surely you can as well. Some lady you had in your past is probably telling her girlfriend you were the best. BTW, she only said best sex; not the best lover, or the best man. She married him.

We can't be everything; or 100% of anything anyone could ever want, for the people we love. Just the best person we can be. Something you can never stop improving on. For her to say the wonderful things she did even though she didn't think you heard it; says you're a great guy and a good man.

Wanting to be the best for your wife proves it; but it's boyish and unrealistic. It's a matter of opinion, and opinions change.

Being faithful and loving is the hard part. Then everything else falls into place.

When you get older and your sex-drive is gone; you still have to depend on what's left of your five senses to please your wife, and make her feel loved. So there's no room or time for stupidity.

Men want wives who are virtuous, untouched, and pure. Being with other men is considered whorish; and unlike the type of woman you want as a wife, and mother of your children. The universal male-attitude towards women, found in all cultures throughout the world. Fearing his little dick isn't enough.

I've heard all the dumbest and most stupid commentary men can ever make; and I've witnessed every type of behavior on the spectrum. So you're going to have to love your wife and just put a little extra effort behind being a great sex-partner.

There is always room for improvement. The goal isn't to be the best, it's to be consistently good!

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States +, writes (11 July 2018):

Your wife loves you enjoys sex with you and cherishes what you have together. If that isn’t enough for your fragile ego their really isn’t anything anyone on this board can say that is going to help you.

You need to appreciate what you have and stop eavesdropping on your wife.

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A female reader, BettyBoup United Kingdom +, writes (11 July 2018):

BettyBoup agony auntIt's true, the person we have the best sex with, may not be the one we end up with. It is what it is. You can have amazing sexual chemistry with someone, but the passion makes both of you crazy and you can't keep it together. This is my experience. My most passionate, sexual charged relationship was also the most dangerous. He became violent, posessive, it didn't work out. I wish the sex part meant that we were right for each other long term. But the sex part simply blinded me to how really bad this man actually was for my health and happiness.

The sex with my new man is nice, but what is way more important is the fact that he is good for me and makes me feel good. The sex might not be the most amazing experience, but, he makes me come every time. I am truly comfortable with him. That makes it more special than any sex I've had before, because it is with a good man who truly cares about me. The sex with me ex was exciting, but the fact he turned out to be a horrible person, makes the memory of the exciting sex, unpleasant to me. So it was good at the time and objectively the best, but in reality, it was a bad thing.

Sex is just 1 part of a relationship. If she would not risk your relationship for sex, you must be really an awesome guy all round. She's not saying you are bad in bed, just not the number 1. But you can change that. If you want to be her number 1 experience in bed, work out what gets her off. Talk to her about it. Make more effort to create passion and chemistry between you.

I can understand why you feel bummed out but you did bring it on yourself by eves dropping. The truth hurts, but now that you have the truth you can either live with it, by accepting that there are men out there who are better at sex than you or you can do something about it by learning how to be bether at sex. Read books, brush up on your skills. It sounds like you have your finger and mouth skills down, which she likes but you now know that she really likes being picked up during sex. So hit the gym and throw her around the bedroom more.

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A male reader, Rudom2000 United States +, writes (11 July 2018):

Rudom2000 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks everyone for the replies. I’m reading some really harsh responses by some, but maybe these hard truths are necessary to hear. I actually agree with what has been said. I AM grateful to have a wonderful wife who the act of cheating hasn’t never crossed her mind. And I will not let the fact that my ego is hurting affect my marriage. But nonetheless the feeling is there. My ego is shattered. Maybe, as someone suggested, I’m just weak in that area and I need to grow up. Or maybe is the fact that all these years I THOUGHT I was her best sex partner (because thats what she had told me), maybe if I would’ve known I wasn’t her best I wouldn’t have this ego problem. On the other hand, as someone as already mentioned, I understand that is not that easy for a girl to tell her husban/boyfriend to their face that she’s had better.

I think what wiseowle said is true, there is nothing anyone can say to make me feel better; my vanity is something I have to deal with on my own.

Thanks again for all the responses.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (11 July 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI can only speak for myself and tell you - as I am sure others have, although I haven't actually read any of the other replies yet - that women tend to take a much more holistic view of relationships than just focusing on the sex. I had numerous boyfriends who were good in the bedroom but didn't stay with any of them because they were let-downs in other areas.

I know it is human nature, especially when you have a fragile ego, but it never ceases to amaze me how someone can say 99 good things about you but you will focus on the one thing which you considered to be a criticism. In my experience, people who CAN focus on the good in each situation are the most happy. They don't over-think about every little slight or criticism. They are just grateful for the good stuff in their life.

Your wife loves you too much to dream of cheating on you. YOU are the winner in this situation, not the guy who could perform gymnastics with her in the bedroom. This sort of sex might be exciting for a short while but, from experience, trust me when I tell you the novelty soon wears off and women want something more intimate.

You don't know if she actually MEANT what she told her friend. We say a lot when we are with friends, especially after a drink or two, which we don't actually mean or believe. It depends on the situation and how good a story you want to tell your friends. Personally I would NEVER big-up my partner's sexual prowess to my girlfriends for fear of any of them deciding they wanted to try him out for themselves. Know what I mean?

Lastly, she was NOT lying when she said she enjoyed sex with you. You sound like a guy who can make a woman happy LONG TERM, in the bedroom AND out of it. She chose to marry you over all other boyfriends. Keep remembering that.

Every time thoughts of the super stud boyfriend creep into your mind, replace them with thoughts about how she chose YOU to marry and how she could very well be embellishing the stories of the sex with the ex for the benefit of her friends. She doesn't CARE if they try sex with the ex. He means nothing to her any more. She will NOT be wanting them to try sex with YOU.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 July 2018):

There is really nothing anyone can do about a shattered ego. Your vanity is your own matter to contend with. You heard your wife say she would never cheat on you with that douche-bag, and would never compromise her marriage. Yet the only thing that stood out in your mind was he was better in bed.

He was better in bed. It is what it is. You can man-up and get-over it; or become douche-bag #2.

People on this site can advise you all the day long. This is one you have to fix in your own head. You have a woman who loves you mightily; and wouldn't give you up for the best sex she ever had.

You don't need any advice,sir. That's what you get for eavesdropping.

You've already heard all you need to know. Even if you had to hear it while spying on your wife.

Go ahead! Say or do something stupid; and ruin what you've got. I will not waste my good wisdom on nonsense.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 July 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI do understand that it wasn't a nice thing to hear. I absolutely get that.

I think if she had overheard you saying that she wasn't as good in bed as your ex, she would feel hurt too.

The thing is it wasn't the only thing she said and you overheard. And I think the OTHER things she said was WAY more important. Even to your ego.

She would NEVER risk her marriage to you for some sex.

He was a low life douche bag.

The sex part? Well, that is something that CAN be improved upon. You can't fix a marriage where a partner is tempted to cheat and you obviously is a HIGHER value man than her ex.

My first BF was also the best sexual partner I have ever had. Do I often sit and think back? No. That was a LONG time ago. Do I miss it? No. I have had a long marriage with good sex, occasionally great sex. But overall, the sex is really the LEAST of it. Yes, it's good to have, it's a nice FACET of a relationship/marriage but you can't BUILD a life around sex only.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (11 July 2018):

Tisha-1 agony auntMy goodness, your ego must be a very fragile thing if you extrapolate what she said to the point that you feel like a loser. Also, you seem to be stuck in the past. A strong ego probably would have taken up the challenge as “she hasn’t had her best sex YET. Because I’m going to make sure of it.” Then practice practice practice!

She didn’t say you were a loser. You assigned that label all on your own.

She didn’t say multiple orgasms were her best sex. You decided that for her and without any data.

She didn’t say being carried around made it the best sex. You decided that for her as well.

Your extrapolations say more about you than they do about her.

She’s told her you are her best sex partner. It’s not her fault you choose not to believe her and instead concoct some cockamamie myth that this ex’s purported past sexual activity makes him some sort of sex God, to be worshipped forever. To be revered in her mind as the be-all and end-all of sexual prowess.

I call bullshit.

Stop your self-flagellating pity party and work on that weak ego thing you have going on. The only one making you feel like crap is... you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2018):

Your wife is not silly enough to think that sex is the be all and end all in a relationship and sounds like all it was about was sex.

I had several partners before my boyfriend and if I really thought back some occasions of just sex were fun, but in the grand scheme of things they meant absolutely nothing. Loving someone and all that they are is way more important than someone who has little else to offer.

Personally I would not question her because in think you will torment yourself further. Also the fact he was good at sex does not mean he was good at making love, hence she would have been honest that you in your own right please her and you are her husband, not some jerk off pardon the pun.

Leave it be, let it go and don't listen in again, ever heard of Chinese whispers??

She loves you, this man means nothing and is not on par with how she feels wholly for you!!!

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (11 July 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntTo quote Colonel Jessup in A Few Good Men:


Son, we live in a world where sexual prowess has an overly inflated level of importance, and that sexual prowess has to be propped up by women and their orgasms. So, who's going to give them the orgasms? You? You? She has a responsibilty that's greater than you can possibly fathom. You weep for your ego and curse the ex that gave her the multiple. You had that luxury. The luxury of not knowing what she knows. That you not being her best sex ever, while tragic, was not the most important thing for her, and her ex's existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves your marriage. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you don't want to know you're not her best, you don't NEED to know you're not her best. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending marriage. You use them as a punch line. She has neither the time, nor the inclination to explain herself to a man to rises and sleeps under the very blanket of love and loyalty she provides and then whines about not being her best sex ever. She would rather you just say thank you for her choosing to marry you instead of him and carry on with your life. Otherwise she might suggest you stop eavesdropping and deal with your bruised ego. Either way, she doesn't give a damn about whether or not you are her best sex ever.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2018):

To be honest I never know the criteria of good sex from a womans point of vieo. I am sure if a number of ladies were asked to define what is good sex for them,you will get a vriety of answers. Some consider a lot of forplay,kissing and hugging after a romantic evening out is important for good sex. Others would probably say a guy with a massive penis is imperative for good sex. Once I read a Hollywood star saying a bit of slight kinkyness in bed makes sex good. I am sure there are many other variety of answers. I think as the others have said she chose to marry you so she must have found you good too in that department.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2018):

Honey, don't take it personally. A lot of the time the best sex we have is not in our marriages. Goes for men and women. Doesn't mean anything. She loves you, loves having sex with you and chose to spend her life with you. She probably meant in a primal way. With you, it's deeper. You can't ever compete with that.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (11 July 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntI get that it stung, but you were listening to their conversation, instead of going out of earshot.

1) He was better in bed.

2) She wouldn't cheat on you.

3) He was a jerk.

You're focusing on the fact she lied to you about you being the best, but would you have preferred her to say "I like X, Y, Z, but you're not as good as my ex"? No, you wouldn't. She stroked your ego because she likes those things you do and loves you.

Him being the best doesn't mean you are no good. Very few people will marry the person they've had the best sex with because it normally doesn't have the rest of the package needed for a happy marriage. She has CHOSEN you to be the ONE person she wants for the rest of her life. How does that make YOU a loser?

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (11 July 2018):

mystiquek agony auntI understand that your pride has been wounded..but think very carefully about EVERYTHING she said and don't focus on the one part that hurt you. She said she would never cheat on you and that the guy was a douche bag. THAT is what you need to focus on. She values you and the marriage far more than the sex. Trust me..thats what you need to remember.

I have been with my husband for over 17 years now. I love him so incredibly much. He is the sweetest kindest man and I still get butterflies when he walks into the room. If I were absolutely honest I would have to say that when we met and first got involved, he was very inexperienced and had only ever been involved with one woman--his ex wife. The best sex I ever had was with an ex, but like in the case of your wife, thats all the guy had going for him and the relationship fizzled out very quickly because he was very controlling, jealous and certainly what he did in the bedroom didn't make up for everything that was wrong about him! I wouldn't call him a douchebag but he certainly couldn't hold a candle to my husband. I wouldn't give up my husband for anyone or anything I don't care how great the sex was. Please give your wife credit for being a smart lady and knowing a good thing when she has it. Lick your wounds and thank your lucky stars that she values you. Smart ladies want more than mind blowing sex. ok? In the end we want someone who cares about us, is thoughtful and someone we want to grow old with.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (11 July 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntWhat would you rather, be the best sex that she ever had or have a loving committed marriage and the whole package? You say you wanted to leave them alone so they could have there girlie chat yet you still listened in even when they where whispering, maybe in future it will teach you not to listen to private conversations, would you want your wife to have heard every last story you spoke to your friends about? He may have been good at sex but it is clear that he was not a good partner and she is committed to you! If she missed him that bad she would not have married you, your wife sounds like she is happy in your marriage which is great, it just seems your ego has taken a bit of a stabbing but believe me in a woman's mind good sex and making love are two very different things. Okay so she said he was good, but am sure you have had past experiencing which you also thought was good. She had multiple orgasms which can be rare enough so don't allow this to destroy your ego! It sounds like he may have been good at sex but he didn't treat her well. Honestly if you are a good husband then that is much more important than sex. Think back to your past experiences and am sure you can think of good times as well. You also need to remember that this was harmless girl chat over a few drinks. In a womans eyes love and affection is so much more important than sex. It sounds like he was the sort of person that might have got her heart racing but I bet you are the person that stole her heart. Having sex with the person you are married to is on a whole different level of better, okay so he might have had a few more skills than you or done somethings differently, it doesn't mean that you are bad in bed or that you are not satisfying her. Don't take from it that she was lying to you, if it is bothering you this much, talk to her and tell her what you heard, allow her to reassure you. For me when I look back at before I got married yes I had some good sex but its in no comparison to how happy and in love I am now.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (11 July 2018):

N91 agony auntWhy would this make you a loser?

I think if you were really that terrible in the bedroom that your wife would definitely not stuck around. It’s a fact that there is ALWAYS someone better out there than us at something. There’s nothing that can be done about that. You really feel inadequate because someone is better in bed than you which your wife then went on to describe as being a piece of shit?

Would you rather the conversation of gone the other way where you’re the ex and you were the better lover but seen in an extremely negative light beyond that? I’m pretty sure 99.9% of people would choose to be the guy in the loving relationship having a loyal wife. She told her best friend a very personal answer whilst under intoxication which is the point where most people are very loose lipped and honest.

I’m pretty sure I won’t be the best lover that my GF has had and I couldn’t give a toss. She’s in a committed relationship with me and THAT is what matters. Not if you’re the best love you they’ve ever had. It’s not a competition. Do you really expect your wife to tell you to your face that she’s had better sex? There’s some times in life where a little white lie is acceptable. She loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you, that’s quite obvious. If she asked you the same question would you tell her ‘You’re pretty good but remember that girl Mandy I met when I was 19? She let me put it in her ass on demand’ - No, of course you wouldn’t because that would be ridiculous.

Accept that you’re not the best, if it really bothers you that much then try new things to spice it up. Put this to the back of your mind or you will start to self sabotage your relationship and probably start taking your frustration out on her without even noticing.

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