A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I kicked my boyfriend of 10 years out 6 months ago because I found out he’d been having an affair with someone from work.It wasn’t just an affair. He had been leading a double life for the 5 months that the affair went on for. Everyone in their workplace knew they were an item and he had told his friends and family that he and I had split. This devastated me as I had been happy in the relationship and had never thought that we were on the rocks.I kicked him out the day I found out and slowly got more information. Since the day he left he has begged for me back every single day and gone to some lengths to prove he’s changed.This wasn’t the first time he had been involved with someone else during our relationship but the previous times were always people he had met on the internet and had been messaging. To my knowledge he’d not met up with them.Anyway 6 months down the line I’m finding that I miss the easy relationship we once had. He made me very happy. We had a comfortable life and everyone used to comment on how happy we were and how it was nice to see a couple who were always laughing together and genuinely happy. He betrayed me in a big way and I know I would struggle to trust him again. Do people change? Can they change once they’ve realised the error of their ways? I don’t think I could take him back but I miss what we had so much.
View related questions:
affair, the internet, workplace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 March 2020):
 There is a glaring error in your post. You don't miss what you HAD; you miss what you BELIEVED YOU HAD.
You believed you had a good relationship with a guy who was faithful to you. The truth was, as you found out later, he was always on the hunt for more. Much as he may have enjoyed your company, sadly you were never enough for him. This is not a failing on YOUR part; this is all about HIM. I predict he will spend his whole life cheating on his partner, whoever that poor unfortunate may be. What makes me so certain is that I too once went out with a guy like your ex. I was a similar age to you and would have walked over hot coals for this guy. Our relationship was a lot shorter lived than yours but, like your ex, he cheated on me repeatedly (a lot of which I only found out after we had broken up). He eventually hooked up with a married woman who dumped her husband for him and they got married. Guess what? Years down the line he contacted me to tell me he had never forgotten me. While I wasn't even remotely tempted to go back there, I did a quick bit of social media investigating and easily discovered he was still married and his wife's Facebook page was full of simpering posts about how wonderful her husband was!
Sweetheart, this breed never changes. They are charming and will make you believe all sorts of lies. However, the reality is that they will always be on the hunt for more. One woman will never be enough for them. They will always be wanting new challenges and new adventures and new women to polish their ego.
My advice is, save yourself a lot of heartache. You already know the deception of which he is capable. If you take him back, you will always wonder what he is up to. You ARE enough for someone, just not this guy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2020): [EDIT]
I meant to say:
"Your continued-presence in his life is strictly voluntary."
Meaning, your choice. Nothing to hold you there but your own will.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2020): As a cheater, your boyfriend is a repeat-offender. He knows how deeply in-love with him you are; but being able to succeed at cheating by keeping you in the dark is a skill he has developed and perfected over time. Unfortunately, this means his conscience is in a dormant-state. It would normally evoke a feeling of guilt for betraying your trust. His built-in mechanism of self-restraint, has been numbed, suppressed, or disabled; so it would be difficult for him not to cheat again. He'll just be more clever at hiding his tracks. Counting on his superb-performance at pleading a good case for himself, to be let off the hook. His need for sex with a different partner is more important to him; than being faithful to the partner he has. The level of love and faithfulness you have for him; is not matched or equaled by that which he has for you. Let that sink-in.
Sorry, but you've been a perpetual/forever-girlfriend too long. He's not your husband; and being a boyfriend places him on the "honor-system." The confines and boundaries set by vows and marriage are harder to live-up to. That's why marriage is avoided. So, his mindset is that he doesn't feel tethered to the institutional-bondage of marriage. He is technically, still free. Your continued-pretense in his life is strictly voluntary. He has no chains on you.
A cheating-husband has many consequences to face through divorce; and could lose his children, assets, and property. Not a boyfriend. He'll get yelled at, nagged, endure a few days of pouting; but if and when he has had enough of it. He can pull-up stakes and leave. Even if there are kids and a mortgage; he can throw-up his hands and disappear, or move-in with another woman. You have little to no legal-recourse. Cheating is therefore harder to resist for a boyfriend. He has so little to lose.
You get pretty attached to someone when you share history that goes back 10 years. You'll also develop a certain immunity to their faults and weaknesses; and love itself allows us to forgive again and again. You have to be sober and aware that when the offender realizes he will get a short and easy sentence, or just a slap on the wrist; there is no real deterrent to repeating the crime.
To cite an example. When you don't have the sense of order and tactfulness it takes to firmly and seriously discipline children, and always let them slide with nothing but a warning; they will become unmanageable and sassy. You will repeatedly ask them to stop, but they won't; because they know you issue empty-threats. They have no respect for you, and will mock you. Talk-back! They'll see themselves as your equal; and will challenge your authority. We don't outgrow those ways as an adult; which is why we have a penal-system, courts, and cops. If there is no enforcement of the rules and no consequences; there is no peace, people become dishonest, they become dangerous, they fear no ramifications, and you have chaos.
I'm not saying you can't forgive and still maintain or fix your relationship. I'm saying you can't trust a repeat-offender who hasn't really suffered serious consequences; and has gotten-off easy on multiple occasions. You are also all buttered-up, flattered, and delusional about what kind of relationship you had. People told you how beautiful it was. Running with that, your boyfriend made sure he used it to his advantage. He laid it on thick, played the boyfriend of the year; and it lowered your guard, and created a false sense of security. He took advantage of your trust; while you were up on cloud-9. He'll cry a few crocodile-tears, let snot run down his nose, dribble, fall on his knees; and shamelessly plead for another chance. He's not stupid, he had a "wifey" (a ride-or-die girlfriend/faux-wife) and got his chicks on the side. It takes time and a lot of effort to break-in a woman like that.
Come-down off the cloud, and out of denial. See it for what it is. Things were great before the cheating; but this is after the cheating. He cheated more than once, put on an act for you; and carried on a full-fledged affair/romance with another woman. Your trust doesn't mean squat to him. Now come to terms with the truth; and allow yourself to heal and move on.
You are allowed to miss what you had. You just have to face the reality that you don't have it anymore.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (19 March 2020):
 I'm a bit lazy on this one. This is the truth hard and fast.
IF you take him back, You will still "miss what we once had". Because that is dead and gone. Affairs kill relationships.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 March 2020):
 I agree with Cindy,
I'm dumbfounded that you you thought you had a GREAT relationship when he was getting involved with people online. That is what people call EMOTIONAL affairs. He might not (as far as you know) have met up with them for sex but he INVESTED into these women emotionally. All the while bamboozling you into think all was good as gold with you two.
No wonder he finally decided to ACTUALLY have a physical affair. He figure you would be desperate enough to eventually forgive him, because you had before.
The guy thinks you are a moron, OP. He treats you like he would an idiot. Begging for you to take him back, is just him showing you that he KNOWS what words to say to you. If the woman at work dumped him too, then he is "all alone" and want someone to take care of him.
You can look back at all the "great times" you had, and that is good, except it was all PRETEND, IF this guy actually gave two shits about you, WOULD he treat you this way? If he had an ounce of respect for you?
My guess is no.
Do people change you ask? Generally no. They just get better at hiding bad behavior.
If this was a one-off, totally out of character for him, then perhaps he could take responsibility for what he did and focus on not doing it again, but as you said, HE did this multiple times. Whether it was online or in person, really doesn't matter, it is STILL disrespectful to YOU and to a relationship.
Trust is something that is almost impossible to get back after it's lost. It's like dominoes. First goes trust, then respect, then affection, then love. Eventually they will all fall.
You need to take those rose colored glasses off and accept that your relationship wasn't as great as you thought it was, ALL because he isn't the guy you thought he was. He is a really bad partner. Sure, he could fake it well enough to make you think OH all is well, but really, it wasn't. You just ignored the bad spots. You were blissfully ignorant.
I think you need to take some time to really see him for who he is, not who you WANT him to be. Or who you thought he was. he might have some great sides to him, but that doesn't mean he was/is a good partner.
Saying He will change, wanting you back are just words, OP. And he clearly is VERY good with words. As he has hoodwinked you several times.
Wish him well, CUT all contact and figure out what your OWN needs, wants and standards are for a relationship. What your boundaries are. And then stick to them when down the line you find a new partner. Don't wait 6 years to dump someone who isn't really as invested as you are. you are in your 30. So I presume he is too. Which means this kind of behavior is (his) is SO immature, something I'd be less surprised if he was in his teens or early 20's but ion his 30? He should know better, and he might do so, he just doesn't CARE.
Taking him back would be a huge mistake. Unless of course you enjoy being regarded and treated as a desperate fool who can just be sweet talked when he does something detrimental.
You know this. USE some common sense.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 March 2020):
 How has he shown you he’s changed? You’ve told us he’s cheated multiple times. That shows he has very clearly NOT changed and keeps going back to old behaviours because you accepted them.
How wound taking him back have any sort of positive outcome? All that would do is tell him that it’s okay to cheat on you and disrespect you and it will eventually be swept under the carpet.
If you take him back, he’s already shown you that he will do it again. Grow a backbone, delete his number and move on with your life. Stop dwelling on the past with someone who doesn’t respect you!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 March 2020):
 The previouS times ?.. As in, more than once ? Plural ? and you kept taking him back ?...
Never mind that , as far as you know, he did not get physical with these other women. First, that's just " as far as you know ", it may very well mean you haven't been able to catch him red-ganded; second, supposing that's true, nevertheless he had clearly shown his disloyalty , his willingness and ability to screw you over, and his hunkering for other women. It was premeditated, too. He " met " them on Internet -it is totally not the same as if he had gone to a party , in perfect good faith and without one malicious intention in his mind… and at the party he had just met someone who left him like zapped, in a love-at-first-sight, or lust-at-first-sight-kind of way. If he met them on Internet, that means most probably that he was very up for some mischief and intentionally went to look for it, whatver form it might take. That ( perhaps ) he did not bring the betrayal to a physical conclusion may depnd from a lot of reasons not depending from his will. For instance , teh girls might have changed their mind and turned him down, before actually doing the deed. bit in term of loyalty and committment, I would not say there's a whole lot of difference if he actually got lucky or not. He did try his luck a few times, and perhaps , in this light, his following behaviour and industrious attempt to keep up a double life is quite less shocking and surprising, although , I am sure, not less hurtful.
Please do not even toy with the idea of taking him back. Everybody deserves a second chance- and nobody deserves a third ( or fourth etc. ) one. Plus, after your trust has been shattered, and you have seen that he can reach a very sophisticated level of deception, how would you trust him again, even if you tries really hard ? I think . with his record, you would always mistrust him him even in the most innocent occasions, no matter how hard you try to not be suspicious.
This thing is doomed, let it go. Obviously you miss him, and obviously you are in pain. That's like withdrawal symptoms. If you smoke for a long time and then you quit , you are also going to miss your cigarettes for a long time, and think of them and crave them. But you know , though, that as pleasant and addictive and fulfilling they were, - they are very very bad for your health and for your life , and resisting the urge is going to do you a world of good in the long run.
...............................
|
