New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login240524 questions, 1065070 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

I initiated a threesome with a guy friend and now my wife is having an affair with him

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 May 2018) 13 Answers - (Newest, 12 May 2018)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I just found out that my wife has been having an affair for the past two years with a single male friend of ours who we had a drunken threesome with two years ago..that threesome which was totally initiated by me alone wasnt so fullfilling for me, since i couldnt get hard for some unknown reason...my wife and our friend were really into it after a little hesitation, and went at each other like wild animals in heat, while i basically was a third wheel...they couldnt seem to get enough of each other....

after that nite i never bought up the idea again to my wife,or her to me, but now fast forward two years later, i find out that my wife and this guy continued seeing each other behind my back, usually at his place...two years is a long time...women usually fall in love after having sex with a guy for that long, right? But her and I were also having marital sex for the last two years too, so I'm confused..

i also heard from a reliable source that lately he has not returned her numerous calls, and that she has been driving past his apartment at nite, stalking him for whatever reason...I plan on confronting her with everything i know, and see what she has to say, but I think shes going to say " Well you started it"....Do you think theres any hope here? We are married three years, and have no children...

View related questions: affair, drunk, stalking, threesome

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (12 May 2018):

YouWish agony auntUnfortunately, in the world of threesomes, this is THE definitive cliche -- husband presses for a threesome. Wife gives in, and then wife likes it so much she continues with the third party. There's even a movie called "The Sex Monster" with the husband putting extreme pressure and manipulation on his wife to add another woman into the threesome, and she was extremely hesitant and didn't want to, but ultimately gave in because he wouldn't stop badgering her.

She ended up REALLY loving it and kept having sex with the other woman for HOURS, and then they had sex by themselves after that. He ended up miserable and ultimately wasn't able to even please his wife by himself.

She is in the wrong for cheating. It's no less cheating because there was a threesome than any other way. It breaks trust and breaks faith and is infidelity.

NEVER do a threesome. I can't tell you how many aunts on here have been so frustrated at telling people not to indulge fantasies inside a marriage and having that advice ignored only to find that their marriages have ended just like yours is.

You need to end the marriage. You blew it up with the threesome issue, and your wife blew it up by cheating.

Never have a threesome again when you're married. Those are for three SINGLE people who aren't serious, not a married man who destroyed his marriage.

<-- Rate this answer

A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 May 2018):

Post script:

I think only a private investigator would know your wife drives by his house, or you're tracking her every move. Say by the GPS on her phone. In any case, you've opened a can of worms.

It's not going to be easy getting the toothpaste back in the tube at this juncture. She's had two years to really establish her feelings for this other man. Somebody must have intervened and threatened to expose him; which is why he suddenly stopped contacting her. I'm guessing you've been stalking and tracking this for some time; and you know exactly what's going on.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (12 May 2018):

I warn readers and OP's about their choices when it comes to inviting a third-party into the relationship. It almost always ends-up someone jealous, cheating, or abandoned; and one partner deciding to fly solo after the threesome.

Letting someone else into your marriage may have signaled to your wife, what you had isn't enough; or maybe anything goes. If the marriage had weak-spots, you've exposed them. The message sent is ordinary-sex was too boring for you. You'd have to talk to her about that affair. Only she knows why it went any further than that night?

I think the relationship is only salvageable; if she hasn't truly fallen in-love with the other guy. Which means she may be over you; or she doesn't find enough fulfillment in her own marriage. No, women don't always fall in-love after sex; but they tend to add more emotion to sex than men sometimes. That's generally-speaking. Some can drop you like a broken vibrator, without a second-thought.

Your so-called "reliable-source" may be the reason he's no longer responding to her contact-attempts; if that party just so happens to be female. Either a friend of yours, or a friend of your wife. Being only one source makes no difference. You don't need the whole neighborhood to tell you your wife is cheating on you. Corroborations and added witness-testimony won't make her any more or less guilty. It's still your fault, any way you slice it.

I only question what motive would anyone have to tell you all this; unless there was some truth behind it? It just so happens to be the guy you and your wife had a threesome with. Odd the reliable-source knows how long it has been going on; but doesn't tell you until now. I raise an eyebrow to this! I speculate it's a close-friend or family-member of hers; suddenly having a belated-attack of conscience. I would rather hope it's the woman he's now involved with!

If you can find it in your heart to fully-forgive your wife without any reservations, or lingering-resentment to clobber her with every-time you get pissed-off. Somehow you may be able to work this thing out together. I just have some doubt about that; because people don't know how to offer true forgiveness, and to just let things go. They just put it away only for it to return as a vicious weapon when they get angry; or it feeds into suspicion and distrust. Can you really trust her now?

The question still remains, if she wants to be married; or is she still in it for the comfort and security, until she finds someone better? She now may now recall the benefits of being single and available again. If she's still in her 20's, she may have married too soon; and compelled by the feeling she's missing-out on something. Knowing she's still attractive to other males can be a strong motivation for a woman with low self-esteem to cheat. By no means am I giving her any excuses.

These ordeals require a lot of calm and effective-communication; because doors have been open that can't be shut. Even if your wife breaks her back in an effort to restore your trust; somehow I think you will make that an exhausting and frustrating task. You take the blame, but a two-year affair with someone you know, is pretty hard to forget. You won't solve this overnight, by any means!

You have to be honest with yourself. Your machismo and your insulted-masculinity, would want her back for the sake of reclaiming your territory; and to restore your damaged ego. Then once you have her back, how will you treat her? How will you see her from now on? How will you overcome the feelings of betrayal? Your youth adds some advantage to letting time heal all wounds; but you also have questionable judgment.

Some ideas, impulses, and fantasies work-out better when kept simply a thought or dream; but don't stay within all the confines or boundaries of reason, once they become a reality. As you have now learned.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (12 May 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIF what you hear is true (remember you only have someone else's side of this story), then she probably won't even care when you confront her, as she seems obsessed with winning back the other guy.

Not defending her behaviour in any way but, if you were MY husband and did that to me, I would assume, from that day forward, that you didn't really love me if you were prepared to share me around your friends like a piece of meat. Can you put yourself in her shoes and understand how she must have felt?

Sadly I suspect love and respect has now been trodden into the ground and buried from both sides. I doubt you will be able to salvage anything of this marriage. Even if both of you were willing to try again, would she forgive YOU for what you did and could YOU forgive HER?

A very hard way to learn what is a very obvious lesson for most people. You got your momentary thrill (or not, as it happened) and now you are paying the price for not respecting or loving your wife enough not to want to share her around. You have nobody to blame but yourself, sir.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (12 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Code Warrior,

This is one of the more COMMON outcome when adding more people to a marriage (or relationship) bed. ONE or the other partner "can't" just stop at having sex with the added person.

And this was a HARD lesson for you to learn, what you thought was a drunken one time deal has essentially ruined what you had with your wife. Sure, you two still have sex... but you have no idea what kind of STD/STI's she is bringing home from that guy AS HE might not just be having sex with her. So she has absolutely NO regards for YOUR sexual health. She has been putting YOU at risk for 2 years. My trust in her would be completely gone.

For me? That is unforgivable. I too would see a divorce lawyer and then serve her and confront her.

And yes, OP you DID start this. You didn't think much further than the end of your penis. Or past the "oh this could be fun"... And yes, actions has consequences. BUT she made the choice to continue to see him, continue to have sex with him, continue to cheat on you. So yes, SHE might say:" you started it" an then you own it. because it's true. But starting something and CONTINUING something is not the same, is it?

Divorce is what I would do. No trust, no respect and probably not a whole lot of love would be the reasons to end it. SHE has been cheating for 2/3 of you marriage OP! Only 1 year (as far as you know) has she been faithful and monogamous with you!

YOU have to decide if there is something you build on here or not. YOU have to choose if you want to stay married to her or not. Who knows maybe SHE rather be single again too?

DO decide what you want (for yourself) and then follow that path.

And then LEARN from this. Having a drunken 3-some is something you can't undo in a relationship. Adding more people to a marriage bed is RARELY a good idea. If you do choose divorce remember this for the next time you meet someone.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (12 May 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntIt seems you've learned your lesson about inviting others into your bedroom. If your wife says "you started it', you simply remind her that it was a one time deal and everyone understood that, so anything after that one night was cheating and there's no excuse for it.

As far as salvaging this, I don't see how that's possible. Your wife is clearly obsessed with this guy and your resentment is only going to increase over time.

If it were me, I'd see a divorce lawyer, and have the paperwork in my hand. Then I'd set set up a hidden video camera, sit her down, and, in a matter of fact way, without emotion, hand her the divorce paperwork, and explain that you're divorcing her because she's been having a two year affair with the guy that you had a threesome with. She may throw a fit, she may beg forgiveness, or she may not care. Regardless, I'd simply advise her to get a lawyer and I'd ask her to move out ASAP. If her reaction is violent, I'd call the police and use the video evidence to counter any claim she may try to make that you assaulted her. In that circumstance, I'd press assault charges against her. I'd be ruthless in my dealing with her from that point on.

Of course, that's me and you may not want to approach it that way. Whatever way you choose to approach it, understand that divorce is the most likely outcome.

If, on the other hand, you choose to forgive her, and try to salvage the marriage, understand that you'll never really trust her again. Also, it's not fair to say you forgive her and then constantly bring it back up and throw it in her face. Don't forgive her unless you're prepared to fully trust her and never bring it up again.

Good luck.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2018):

This all depends on whether you still love her . If you do then you should fight for her wbd see if she still loves you. After all, you caused this entire problem in the first place .

If the feelings are gone for you or her , sadly it may need to be ended

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2018):

I just want to point out that, because you initiated the threesome, your wife (who was loyal to you) must have felt that she had your permission to enjoy the results. In other words, it opened up a part of her that she had not predicted, did not initiate, and was possibly taken by surprise to find how much she enjoyed being with this other man.

Although you did not then give your consent for her to have an affair, once she'd crossed that threshold, she probably found it hard to resist the advances of the other man involved. For her, it opened up a 'pandoras box' of emotions that she probably had no idea what to do with.

The fact that HE now seems to be dismissing her and she has been left in a rather desperate state, driving by his house at night time, suggests that he was the one that was more in control all along. It may well be that it was him driving the whole affair, with her caught up between genuinely loving you - and continuing to have sex with you - but being very vulnerable to this other man's advances.

Don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying she is innocent entirely - she is an adult and has to take responsibility for her adult behaviours because they affect other people, not just her. But what I am saying is that, if this was a first time for her to do anything like this, then there is a chance she really did get caught up in the excitement of it all - for women sometimes the forbidden or illicit is all the more tempting because they have so very many judgements and restrictions placed on them compared with men in regard to their sexual behaviour - generally speaking, men can find it much easier to get away with sleeping around, for example, but women will be given a much harder time for this.

I get the impression she does love you and cares for you and wants the familiarity of the marriage, but that some part of her sexuality and her psyche was opened up by the excitement of the 'forbidden'. However, it's not like she initially sought this situation out - I get the impression she was drawn into it firstly by you and then by this other man, but now that she has discovered the pleasures for her, both men are about to discard her because their own needs and desires are not being met or (in your case) because you feel betrayed by a situation that was initiated by you but grew out of your control - your lack of control of the situation and of her seems to be what is now getting to you.

Try to talk to her calmly and to understand things from her point of view. Maybe she has found it impossible to pursue or express aspects of her life eg. a career beyond being a wife - and this is the only way she could gain a sense of self and sense of power.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (12 May 2018):

N91 agony auntDo you WANT to salvage this? She has been disrespecting you in the biggest way possible for years. You utimately led to this downfall for the stupid suggestion of the act, I’ve seen many of these questions at DC over the years and it usually ends up like this. I guess some people need to learn the hard way.

By the way she’s acting it sounds like she’s fallen pretty hard for him so I think you’d have a fight on your hands to try and get things back to the way they were. Personally I think you’re pissing into the wind. I think you need to hold your hands up, admit you fucked up and call it a day. Take the evidence you have and look into a divorce. I think if you stay with her you will be wondering what she’s up to for the rest of your life, does it sound worth it?

If nothing else, use this as a learning experience. Don’t introduce strangers into the bedroom with people you love, it won’t end well.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (12 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntSorry, i didn't mean to post my response 3 times over!

My computer was playing up.

I did re-edit one of them, as i'd made a few typo errors, so one of my responses will be the full/complete one.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (12 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntHmmm, this is a tricky one, bec YES, you did initiate the whole thing, but then again, did she have to take a drunken threesome to this level?

What does y

our gut instinct tell you?

Most times, your gut instinct will be right.

It's very likely that your wife has fallen for this guy and it appears quite deeply, but so far as she being in love with him or madly in love with him, that's hard to say & really, only she can answer that question.

She may love him, she may not.

She may just be very attracted to him, she enjoys the attention he gives her and showers her with, she enjoys a lot of sexual contact, both from you and from him.

Her connection with him, could well be based upon "lust" more so than "love" and i think this is the case with the guy for sure.

I doubt he's in love with her, as he knows she's married, however, they're both giving/taking whenever the fancy takes them.

She may have been having sex with him ongoingly, not necessarily because she's in love with him, but because she totally enjoys the sexual/erotic element of having sex with two different men.

Maybe this is who she really is and you just happened to help here to "unleash" her inner secret desires.

In other words, she wants the best of both worlds.

She wants her cake and eat it too.

I think you "unleashed" a very wild side of her and she's allowed her inner inhibitions to run wild & for some reason, she cannot stop.

I do believe she's very emotionally connected to this guy, but nobody can be 100% certain, as to whether or not she's in love with him.

Only she knows what she's sneaking around your back with your "respective" male friend.

She knows she's doing the wrong thing and this is why she has to be so sneaky.

She must also know it's plain wrong, because you guys are married, but has this stopped her from acting out? No.

Is there any hope for you guys and your future together?

Maybe, maybe not.

It all depends upon how you still feel about her, but most importantly, how does she now feel about you & what about the serious issue of "trust" within your marriage now?

Will you ever be able to forgive her for carrying on an affair for 2 years and will she actually cease all contact with this man, whom she's obviously very smitten by?

It appears you've much thinking and talking to do with your wife.

The sooner you sit her down and lay all your cards on the table, the quicker you guys can make serious decisions about your future together.

Good luck!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (12 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntHmmm, this is a tricky one, bec YES, you did initiate the whole thing, but then again, did she have to take a drunken threesome to this level?

What does your gut instinct tell you?

Most times, your gut instinct will be right.

It's very likely that your wife has fallen for this guy and it appears quite deeply, but so far as she being in love with him or madly in love with him, that's hard to say & really, only she can answer that question.

She may love him, she may not.

She may just be very attracted to him, she enjoys the attention he gives her and showers her with, she enjoys a lot of sexual contact, both from you and from him.

Her connection with him, could well be based upon "lust" more so than "love" and i think this is the case with the guy for sure.

She may have been havings ex with him ongoingly, not necessarily because she's in love with him, but because she totally enjoys the sexual/erotic element of having sex with two different men.

In other words, she wants the best of both worlds.

She wants her cake and eat it too.

I think you "unleashed" a very wild side of her and she's allowed her inner inhibitions to run wild & for some reason, she cannot stop.

I do believe she's very emotionally connected to this guy, but nobody can be 100% certain, as to whether or not she's in love with him.

Only she knows what she's sneaking around your back with your "respective" male friend.

She knows she's doing the wrong thing and this is why she has to be so sneaky.

She must also know it's plain wrong, because you guys are married, but has this stopped her from acting out? No.

Is there any hope for you guys and your future together?

Maybe, maybe not.

It all depends upon how you still feel about her, but most importantly, how does she now feel about you & what about the serious issue of "trust" within your marriage now?

Will you ever be able to forgive her for carrying on an affair for 2 years & will she actually cease all contact with this man whom she's obviously very smitten by?

It appears you've much thinking & talking to do with your wife.

The sooner you sit her down and lay all your cards on the table, the quicker you guys can make serious decisions about your future together.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (12 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntHmmm, this is a tricky one, bec YES, you did initiate the whole thing, but then again, did she have to take a drunken threesome to this level?

What does your gut instinct tell you?

Most times, your gut instinct will be right.

It's very likely that your wife has fallen for this guy and it appears quite deeply, but so far as she being in love with him or madly in love with him, that's hard to say & really, only she can answer that question.

She may love him, she may not.

She may just be very attracted to him, she enjoys the attention he gives her and showers her with, she enjoys a lot of sexual contact, both from you and from him.

Her connection with him, could well be based upon "lust" more so than "love" and i think this is the case with the guy for sure.

She may have been havings ex with him ongoingly, not necessarily because she's in love with him, but because she totally enjoys the sexual/erotic element of having sex with two different men.

In other words, she wants the best of both worlds.

She wants her cake and eat it too.

I think you "unleashed" a very wild side of her and she's allowed her inner inhibitions to run wild & for some reason, she cannot stop.

I do believe she's very emotionally connected to this guy, but nobody can be 100% certain, as to whether or not she's in love with him.

Only she knows what she's sneaking around your back with your "respective" male friend.

She knows she's doing the wrong thing and this is why she has to be so sneaky.

She must also know it's plain wrong, because you guys are married, but has this stopped her from acting out? No.

Is there any hope for you guys and your future together?

Maybe, maybe not.

It all depends upon how you still feel about her, but most importantly, how does she now feel about you & what about the serious issue of "trust" within your marriage now?

Will you ever be able to forgive her for carrying on an affair for 2 years & will she actually cease all contact with this man whom she's obviously very smitten by?

It appears you've much thinking & talking to do with your wife.

The sooner you sit her down and lay all your cards on the table, the quicker you guys can make serious decisions about your future together.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "I initiated a threesome with a guy friend and now my wife is having an affair with him"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.265624599996954!