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I doubt anyone has ever been in such a situation with his girlfriend

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 March 2008) 13 Answers - (Newest, 20 March 2008)
A male United States age 36-40, *oyoyoyo writes:

Before everyone begins with the "nah bro, dump her dump her" stuff, read it completely, and put yourself in my situation, and atleast TRY to understand how I feel. I'm with a girl right now, and quite frankly, she is amazing. Whether we're talking about mental and emotional happiness, or physical pleasure and happiness, its all there, shes everything I could ever ask for.

Except one thing...actually three things...she has cheated on me 3 times. I have loved this girl all of my high school years, I always thought she was perfect, but she was with this other guy most of her high school career. She finally started liking me too, and we got together. She had sex with me when she was still with her BF. I thought it was wrong, but couldn't say no. The only good thing was during the period when me and her were having sex, she promised not to do it with her BF. I believed her, and her BF came up to me and told me she hadnt been giving him anything in a while. Me and him used to be friends.

Long story short, she ended up leaving him, got with me, and cheated on me with her ex boyfriend THREE times. Two of the times were just kissing, but once was sex. When i found out the first time, she made out with him, and when i confronted her, she cried and it took her ages to admit, and she said she didnt want to loose me. I forgave her. She cried all night and promised she would never do anything like that EVER again.

Well she did. The next time, it was sex. Her Ex called me and told me about it, in detail, and said that she also made out with him a third time the next week after the sex. I called her, confronted her once more, and I have never heard anyone cry so hard in my life before. She told me to break up with her and that she was sorry and whatever. She swore this time that she would change for me.

I decided to see if she would. I forgave her. We're still together today, and to be honest, she REALLY has changed. That incident occured 3 months ago, and she is completely honest now, shes always upfront when I ask her questions, and she never hangs around any guys anymore. But when I think of the description I heard about their sex...it still burns my heart. I'm starting to feel that pain again. Shes such a perfect GF. She does everything for me.

Oh, and I almost forgot. Before I knew she cheated on me, I asked her to marry me. She agreed. We're...or were...engaged. She told me that after the sex, she felt so bad and awkard that the left immediatly and cried. I asked him if it was true, and he agreed. He saw the regret in her eyes. she "always wanted to find the right moment to tell me". This girl does everything for me. She flew halfway accross the world to see me only for 10 days. She is spontaneous with her love, and talks to me all the time.

Is it worth breaking up with her to relieve this painful memory? Or just keep this going on, and let time heal it?

View related questions: cheated on me, ex called, her ex, kissing, period

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (20 March 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntI ended my previous comment suggesting she might be out of control. Some people just can't control themselves, as I said, they just do whatever seems like a good idea at the time and never ever learn. Jmo is a poster who said she is similar to this girl and she admits that a cheater will never stop.

You say in the update that you are the only one she has kept the promise not to cheat AGAIN with. Did she make this promise after she first snogged with her ex? After the quickie OR after the second snog. This is a woman who doesn't promise not to cheat on her partner, she has PROMISED EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HER BOYFRIENDS NOT to cheat AGAIN!

Furthermore, she never once has come clean on her own, so how do you know she is not sleeping with anyone now. As for meaningless sex, there is no such thing. It had meaning or it would not be tearing you up.

Don't get me wrong, she is probably a very nice girl but her actions will hurt you again and again. She went to her ex after already being found out once and just had a quickie. Didn't tell you and a week later was snogging him again?

I am with Stroller, she will absolutly cheat again and again. can you life with that when even this is already tearing you up? You will have to accept that whenever she is not in your sight she could be screwing someone else.

She can't be true and won't ever be. One day you will have had enough and then you will be a bitter middle aged man. This is college kid stuff, not someone rapidly closing in on 30.

If you stay with this girl, one day she will come to you and say "I am pregnant". What will be the first words in your head, "i am going to be a father" or "who is the father".

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A male reader, yoyoyoyo United States +, writes (19 March 2008):

yoyoyoyo is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Everyone here has really helped me understand my problem more. There were many diffrent answers flying all over the place, but they were all helpful. To answer some of the questions you have asked me, "how many times has she slept with you when she was with her other bf". Well, probably around 10 times. Sometimes I feel bad about it and think "well I guess karma came back and got me". I sometimes think thats the reason for her sleeping with her Ex, its karma. Also, to the question, "was she drunk or high when she cheated". No, she doesn't drink or smoke. I spoke to her about the cheating incidents yesterday over the phone, and she started breaking down into tears again. She told me she hated whenever i would bring it up because she can hear the pain in my voice and she hated the fact that she caused it. she also went on to say that if there was one thing she could take back it would be the sex with him behind my back because it only lasted for a one min. in doggy position with no clothes off. she says it was the most meaningless thing ever and she regrets it. I asked her ex if it was meaningless, he says it meant nothing except sex, pure pleasure in the moment, and that moment lasted for less than 2 min. she also thinks that there will always be a little part of me that hates her. she also says that shes so lucky to be with me and shes not sure why i havent broken up with her, but she thanks god that ive given her another chance. I have known this girl since junior high, she has always been the nicest person, but shes also been the horniest person. She has cheated on every single BF she has had. But she hasn't had many at all. She has also promised every BF that she would never cheat again, but she has. I am the only one that she has kept that promise to. I think there is just one more thing I have to do before I say anymore. When ive done that, I'll keep everyone posted on what's been happening. Again, thank you all for your kind and helpful words and thoughts about this, it's very great.

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A male reader, Stroller United Kingdom +, writes (19 March 2008):

Stroller agony auntI've just gotta weigh in on this one.

Yes, I think it's possible for a cheater to change, but rarely with someone they've already cheated on before (and don't try to become the exception - that way lies only pain). I think that once that boundary's been crossed it's not a taboo any more. Sure she may well realise that monogamy's for her, but not next week, and not next year - it's a ways in the future. Meantime, she may settle down with you for a while, but once she gets bored and runs into the next guy who's just "like, simply amazing, man" she'll do it again.

You have to accept that this girl loves a little bit more (easily) than other people. She slept with the ex-boyfriend because she still loves him, and because they've slept together plenty in the past and it just felt right and natural & stuff. And the next guy she's into - in a few months or a year or two, if she exercises a little restraint - she'll sleep with, too, because she won't be able to help herself.

You CAN keep this girl, but you have to accept both her nature and an open relationship. Only you can decide whether you want to try that - and only time will show whether you can handle it. If you try an open-relationship with this girl it's important not to become a doormat for her - if you pursue your own interests and live a dynamic life you'll coincidentally continue to hold her interest.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (19 March 2008):

Tisha-1 agony auntYou've had some very good answers from the aunts/uncles here and you have a lot of things to think about based on those answers, so I don't have much to add, other than to ask the question, was she drunk or high when she cheated?

Just wondering if there are other issues with her, that's all.

All the best, and please do follow up, your question has had a lot of attention, and we do like to hear from the posters!

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A male reader, bobmcbobbins United Kingdom +, writes (18 March 2008):

bobmcbobbins agony aunthi i have read your problem and i have tried to keep a open mind on it as i can relate to most of it

anyway can i start of by sayin you have a partner tht obviously loves you. ok shes cheated but it sounds like shes been honest about it and regrets it all. we all make mistakes in life and you have to look forward. wot she has done is in the past.

obviously if she hasnt changed this time like she has promised then you need to draw a line and saw enough is enough.

well the answer to your question

"Is it worth breaking up with her to relieve this painful memory? Or just keep this going on, and let time heal it?"

that can only be answered by you. only you can move forward and forget. you must love her to bits so why would you want to leave her?

anyway i send me wishes whatever happens

good luck

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A female reader, Jargenhunter United States +, writes (18 March 2008):

It is possible to forgive.

It is possible for a cheater to change.

That being said, what else is going on here? She is willing to fly somewhere to see you, yet she still cheats? It seems very contradictory. I think what you should do if you do not want to leave this girl is sit down with her and talk. Come to an agreement that you will tell each other when incidents like this happen. Tell her she is open to tell you anything and everything, and return the favor. Start praising her honesty. Show her it is safe to be with you and she doesn't need to hide herself and who she is. It might take a while, and you might get a blow or two to your heart, but at least you will know when/if she cheats, and maybe one day she will not feel the need to hide the problems that are driving her to this other man.

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A male reader, maxsteel86 United Kingdom +, writes (18 March 2008):

maxsteel86 agony auntRead it totally, put myself in your position and you wanna know what, the only thing to realise is that there's a total lack of self respect going on here. How can you let her cheat on you so often and still get back with her? She really is sorry only cos she got caught.

And another thing, she cheated on her ex boyfriend with you right?? Do you see a pattern going on here? So she felt bad for cheating, big deal. A lot of killers feel bad for killing, it doesn't dilute the act much though does it?

In the end, its your decision to go ahead and do what you want. Nobody here is even gonna remember this post in about 2 day's time so its all up to you. But I really think you should listen to LazyGuy, he seems pretty awesome in his advice giving

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (18 March 2008):

Danielepew agony auntI admire Jmo for telling it like it is. But I'm more with Miss C's great post, for a simple reason: it does seem like you're trying to convince us that she won't cheat again. We know, but Jmo has reminded us that, though it is possible, it isn't likely. You say that she has cheated on you three times, but I can count her as a cheater at least four times. One with you, while she was with her ex, and three with her ex, while she was with you.

I have to say, again, that I admire Jmo for her post, but I need to say that the true measure of whether you should stay with a person or not is how hard this person tries. It's whether her attempts are enough for you. She might TRY not to cheat, but if she fails at it, her trying is useless. You don't have to stay in the relationship because she tries; the relationship has to be satisfying to you.

That said, it is true that people might change. It seems like she has. But, if you can't cope with her past actions, I would recommend that you leave her. You either have to forget about everything that happened before, or go away. No doing things by the halves here. "Time" won't heal it. Being away from her won't heal it, either, as Jmo so correctly points out. Your decision not to let that affect you will do the trick.

Jmo, you're great. Miss C, you too.

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A male reader, NextHowardStern United States +, writes (18 March 2008):

Actually its just the opposite. I am the cheater. The first time I cheated on my then fiance, was about two weeks before we married. Then again a couple months later with someone else I promised I would NEVER sleep with. Then again. And again. And Again. And Again. And Again. I don't quite know for sure how many times I slept with the second girl, but it was quite a few. Currently, its been almost 5 years since I have cheated on my wife. We since have had a little boy, who is now 2. Time does heal wounds. We have been married almost 7 years now. But, I also have to live with, "are you gonna sleep with her?" "who is......?" or another one, "how do I KNOW you are where you say you are?" Also, its primarialy with girls I have known prior to my marriage. This doesn't happen every day, all the time you understand. I can flirt all day long with girls at Tim Horton's, and it doesn't bother her. But a girl calls or sends me a text, or email from school...JESUS, you'd think I started WW3...thats not a very happy time for my marraige. After I cheated on her, she asked me to TELL her if I wanted to or felt like I wanted to cheat on her again. With that agreement, I said, if that day ever comes, I will tell you, right after I leave you. That day, has never come. I have become accustomed to being accused, and have learned to brush it off. But, I have nothing to hide. Yeah, I did cheat on my wife, but it's not all bad. We do have a beautiful baby boy, that I love very dearly.

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A male reader, Bushrod United States +, writes (18 March 2008):

Well all I have to say is that the first time she cheated on you all she did was make out with her ex. She said she would never do it again and she did it anyway only the 2nd time she had sex with him. You said it yourself man, she's a good GF but she's not wife material. It's guys like you that let women think that they can cheat, cheat again and her man will keep taking her back. Get some balls and realize that you just like the sex. Every guys hates when they break up with a girl because they don't know when their going to have sex again. I'm not saying she can't change her ways but like the saying goes 3 strikes and your out. I applaud you for forgiving her the 1st and 2nd time but you have to draw a line a make a stand for yourself. She basically cheated 4 times if you count the time she had sex with you when she was dating your friend. So your not innocent either. There are other girls out there and finding a good one is very hard. If you really think she has changed and is good then give it a shot and like they said before me you won't ever forget the memories, you just have to deal with it. In the end it's your life and you make your decisions.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (18 March 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntWell you seem to count each individual sexual act as a seperate cheating incident. So HOW many times did she cheat with you on her old boyfriend? That's right as long as she hadn't broke up with him, everything she did with you was cheating.

Did she confess the cheating to her boyfriend? Why did she wait so long to break it off?

Then she is with you and is caught (she doesn't confess on her own) snogging the old bf. Then full sex and that ain't enough, she snogs him again AND still doesn't confess.

She FUCKED another guy AFTER you had proposed. Oh yeah, she felt bad about it. So bad she snogged him again.

How many times has she cheated on the both of you by now? THAT YOU KNOW OFF? Remember, she tried to keep it hidden on all occasions. How do you know there are not a dozen other guys?

But okay, we should consider your feelings. So what do you want to hear. That this was the last time. Fat chance.

That she truly is sorry. All people are when they are caught, saying "yes I did it and I loved IT" doesn't get you much sympathy, tears do. Remember, she felt so bad about fucking her ex that she didn't tell you and was in his arms again a week later. She felt so bad about cheating on her ex with you that she didn't even blink an eye.

That you should dump this girl? Only if you can life with her cheating and the near 100% chance this will happen again.

If you stick with her, prepare for more rough times ahead because she got problems that need sorting out. You say she is amazing, "Whether we're talking about mental and emotional happiness, or physical pleasure and happiness, its all there, shes everything I could ever ask for."

Oh really, then why are you here? Happy people don't ask for advice. "Oh hello dear agony aunt I am just so happy and fullfilled please help". No, you are hurting and she is doing the hurting. If this is all you could ever ask for, you got low standards man. READ your own story as you asked us to do. The beginning and end don't match up.

Sit her down, tell her to stop her fake tears and explain why she is doing this.

I am getting the impression that this girl never learned to be responsible for her actions, she just does whatever seems like a good idea at the time and turns on the waterworks when it goes sour. Hell it works, but just how much of it can you take? It won't get better on its own.

Yes she will do anything for you, fly halfway across the world because it seemed like a good idea, and fuck the guy next to her in the plane because it seemed like an equally good idea. There is a fine line between spontaneous and out of control.

Best of luck mate, you are going to need it, just remember to keep your arms safely inside on the rollercoaster you call your love life.

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A female reader, Jmo United States +, writes (18 March 2008):

Jmo agony auntFirst of all let me tell you that this is coming from a girl who sounds pretty similar to yours. I won't go into details but let's just say that I fuck up... alot. Anyways, I've seen how infidelity can scar a person (by current bf still has dreams about something that happened more than 6 months ago) and chances are that your painful memory isn't going to go away just because you break up with her. You've been hurt and that takes time to heal, but I don't necessarily believe that it means you have to terminate your relationship. I'm not saying she will never hurt you like this again (people rarely change in this kind of situation, sorry but it's true) but it's up to you to decide whether or not it's worth it to stick it out and see what happens. This self-admitted bad girl gives you the most sincere well wishes she can. We may fuck up but we are not completely broken. Hope this helps.

-Jmo

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008):

Some people say that people who cheat will always cheat and continue to cheat.. But if you're certain that she hasn't again after that incident then maybe she has changed.

If you truly love her with all your heart and couldn't possibly imagine yourself being with anyone else or ever getting over her ever then if i was in your position i don't i would be able to leave the person i felt that way about. But if the hurt is too much for you and you can't see her in the same way as you used to, then it might be best to break up with her.

I think it was rather insensitive of her ex to give you a full description by the way! Did he do that on purpose to make you feel hurt?? I think that was a horrible thing to do!

Please keep us posted !

xx Hope xx

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