A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 10 years and have two kids under the age of 10. My wife recently was made an executive at her fortune 200 firm and has not been home much since. She leaves for work around 7 AM and most evenings she gets home after 10 PM. By that time I have put the kids to bed and have gone to sleep myself. She has always been a workaholic (working 60 hours a week is normal for her) and I really didn’t care that much until we had a family. Since she is tired from working all those hours, she chases everyone out of the house so she can sleep in on the weekends until mid-afternoon or later. I end up with both kids every night and on weekends. I have complained about her hours and spending my life by myself which was not what I signed up for. I make a decent living as an engineer (around $100K) but she makes close to $300K a year. With our combined incomes we have a seven bedroom house in a nicest part of town, a 3000 square foot vacation home in the mountains that we never go to because she is too busy, very nice vacations, nice cars, etc. But it is not enough for me. I have been going to see a marriage therapist for the past three months. I tried to get my wife to go but she said she doesn’t have the time and says that I knew what she was like before I married her.About six months ago I got a call from my ex-fiancé I dated before my wife. She had just gotten divorced and was wondering if I was free. She said the relationship she had with me was the best she had ever had. I told her I was married with kids and she awkwardly wished me well and hung up. Months went by but after one especially bad week where I barely saw my wife (she got home after 3 AM three nights in a row), I called my ex-fiancé. We did skype and she was smiling, beautiful and happy. She saw my 3 year old daughter and started to cry.My wife is not having an affair. I suspected her of having one with her hours but after dropping by unexpectedly at her job after midnight with the kids so they could say goodnight (both were asleep) and she was there every time, I don’t think she is cheating on me with someone else – just cheating on me with her job.A few weeks after seeing my ex-fiancé on skype, I told my wife that I was going to move into one of my rental properties with the kids and that being married to myself every night was not what I had agreed to when I said my vows. My wife demanded to know if I wanted her to find another job. I told her that was up to her because she had worked hard to get the job she had and that if she left, she would probably regret it and blame me. My wife abruptly found a live in nanny to help me with the kids. It has made a difference but I am still lonely. Sex with my wife has always been rushed because of her hours. She went from having 5 orgasms to having one really long one (to save time) and then she would tell me to hurry up and climax so she could go to sleep. Sex never happens before midnight and most nights she wakes me up to do it. One of her complaints with me has been that I make sex an event. With my ex-fiancé, it was an event. We would go to bed at 9 PM most nights and sex was never rushed. We were in love and making love was a celebration of life—not something to do to shut me up.Two weeks ago, I finally got fed up with my wife’s hours and told her I was going off on a business trip and spent the week with my ex-fiancé. I have never cheated before in my life but it was one of the best weeks of my life. She was stunningly beautiful, sweet and loving. It was like we never broke up except that we were both older and wiser—especially since we had both realized what we had given up. I missed my kids but I did not miss my wife and when I talked with her on the phone, all she talked about was her job and how all the execs would in-fight with each other and stab each other in the back. The week flew by and now I am wondering what to do. I know divorce is hard on kids and it will kill my parents, but my kids never see their mother anyway. Finances will be harder than with my wife but I make a good living. One scary thing is that my company has laid off thousands in the past 10 years. With my wife, I really never worried. My wife just won a major award for her work from a national media magazine. I went to the awards banquet and dozens of people she had mentored in her career came up to me and said how wonderful she was and how she had made a huge difference in their lives. Hundreds of people gave her a standing ovation when she got the award. I was proud of her yet I knew what she was giving up in her life to get that award.One final thing, I have to say that my wife has tried to do better. Now she calls multiple times to update me on when she expects to get home and she has acknowledged that she is missing her children’s and my lives. Last night, after getting stabbed in the back at work by one of her peers, she said (at 3 AM when she got home) I was the best thing that ever happened to her. I know she loves me but she is soooo ambitious. She just doesn’t want to get past the glass ceiling, she wants to shatter it.So do I stay with the mother of my children who is never home or do I follow my heart and wreck my family? Would you honor your vows and live the rest of your life with someone who is never there?
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 October 2012):
Normally I am very, very harsh on cheaters. But with this, I don't think it's that simple.
I don't condone what you did, OP. Not at all. In a way your wife was right when she said you knew what you signed up for. She didn't drastically change during marriage. You just drastically underestimated the impact it would have on you. That's your mistake. And now you cheated on her. But I get it, she's married to her work.
However, when she asked you if she should quit: you should have been honest and said yes! Then you could have found out if the marriage could be saved in a way you both could live with. In a way, I think she wanted you to say "yes" just like addicted people sometimes want to get caught and pulled out of the lifestyle.
Anyway, what's done is done, but let this be a lesson to you. In the end we're all human and we all make mistakes and give into temptation sometimes. We all have our vices. Your wife's vice is addiction to work. Yours is carrying on against better judgment, to a point you allowed yourself to do what is unforgivable.
I understand how you got there and I don't want to kick you down for it any further; the other aunties have already told you how wrong cheating is and you're enough in a pickle as it is. But you have to take responsibility of your actions if you want to deal with the consequences and the situation as it is now. Because if you allow yourself to think you're entitled to do cheat because of your wife's commitment to work, you've sunk lower than you think.
Because in the end, you betrayed her. She may be married to her work, but you knew that before you married her. She may have waved aside your comments about going to marriage counseling, but she didn't betray you.
But it's obvious this isn't working. And this situation cannot go on. Not only will you hurt your wife, your kids will get older and they will understand what's going on (if the 10 year old does not already do) and it will hurt them to the very core.
So pull on the stops, right now. First, call it off with your ex. You can't keep seeing her. It's not fair to her, not fair to your kids.
When your wife comes home, try to convince her to take the next day off/call in sick because you have some really important stuff to talk about that cannot be dealt with in a few minutes. If she refuses, have the conversation at that moment. It's not ideal, but at least then she knows why it's so important. Then calmly try to explain to her what you've done without attacking her and making excuses for yourself. You have to come clean. If you take responsibility for your actions, you have the best shot at a reaction from her you can work with.
Then you have to ask her what the two of you are going to do. This is not working. You've grown apart as a couple and as a result neither of you have whole, good lives despite all of the money. Depending on how she feels about the cheating, she can either quit her job and see if something is salvageable, or you can file for divorce and get into a custody battle.
In any case, you need to deal with this NOW.
If you do file for divorce, don't jump from your wife to your ex. It won't work, plus it's messy. Your kids will never truly accept her if you keep bringing her in their life in this dishonorable way.
Good luck OP.
A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I think this has got to be one of the most difficult situations I have read on here.
You really need to talk to her and tell her how this makes you feel because she is probably so wrapped up in her work that she doesn't even notice how this affects you. You need to stop her one night and talk about this.
I you don't mind her knowing that you cheated on her you could show her this post and our answers, but do bear in mind that she will probably feel incredibly guilty bearing in mind the way she has treated you compared to the way your ex has treated you.
Don't let your kids be A reason to prevent divorce, as firstly, it is better than them living in a broken home especially there Are arguments And awkwardness between you and your wife, and also because kids deal better with this sort of thing when they're younger because they don't fully understand.
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A
female
reader, demeplev +, writes (5 October 2012):
 After you response OP I have to say I lost ALL sympathy for you..
you ASKED US would we suggest honoring your vows.
I already answered that with a personal resounding YES
but YOU clearly VIOLATED the VOWS and clearly DO NOT want this relationship NOR want to FIND a way to change YOU in this equation to TRY to work on something YOU now helped break.
it took two to destroy this YOU ARE NO BETTER than her and probably more hurtful to the family because she is SUPPORTING the family as apparently you were ok with early on in the marriage attaining the goods
it seems like YOU changed NOT her
she IS NOT cheating
while yes she is a squirrel on a wheel she needs some help to SEE her damage but YOU violated a sacred TRUST YOU SLEPT WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!!
how about if SHE did that?
more harmful that a workaholic.
OP you didn't want an answer from us you wanted us to stroke you and tell you you aren't so bad that you cracked because of your sad lonely place..
now all I can say is bullshit!!!
I call you out..you don't want this so man up..because now the end of your marriage is 90% YOUR fault.
I am sorry but wake-up.
I do honestly wish you well while you find your way and your accountability as well stop pointing fingers.
in life you cant change someone you can only change YOUR response to them and their words and actions PERIOD.
Your actions clearly FAILED.
Hope you can see that and start picking up the pieces and heal yourself and your family.your in for a HUGE wake-up call hang on its a bumpy road..been there.
Sorry so harsh but your not really being straight up with yourself and your intentions.
Good luck.
Please keep us posted thru your soon to be hellish years we are here to help you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 ... And another thing strikes me in the OP's post.
How he thinks is situation is so exceptional. Sort of a cruel and unusual punishment. A desperate situation must call for desperate,drastic measures ( like cheating on your overworked wife ), right ?
No. Wrong.
It seems that the OP lives in a bubble. Personally, I come from a comfortable middle class, I can't say I ever really wanted badly for anything... but at least I can keep my eyes open- I can see what goes on around me.
There are millions of people here that HAVE to live like you- sacrifying family life and cozy chitchats and romantic candlelights dinners. And there are millions in YOUR country too, now. Do they ALL have affairs ? Do they feel ENTITLED to have affairs ? Maybe I am naive, but I really don't think so.
There are tons of families where, to get to the end of the month and put food on the table, either spouse ,or both , have to get a second job. That leaves no much time for intimacy, they have to make do with that little time they
have, some times not even the whole weekend like you have , just the random day off.
Here there are 8 millions of factory workers and , guess what , big factories ( cars, ceramics... ) work on 3 shifts and quite often have rotating, mandatory night shifts. Not very convenient when the guy works nights and his wife works days ( or viceversa ) for months in a row, eh ?
Yes it sucks. One can feel very lonely and bored, just like you.
But at least you feel lonely in a 7 bedroom house.Those guys feel lonely in some modest little abode or crummy council flat. Can't even take a dip in the pool to distract themselves from their loneliness :).
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 October 2012):
 "Putting kids in harm's way".
Sorry I wasn't clear enough.
As parents, no matter what, we protect our kids from some of the worst stress we as adults sometimes endure. What if the husband took the kids into the wife's office and caught the wife in an affair red-handed? Would the little kids be scarred with the memory of screaming, pleading, crying, anger, possible rage, all raw and out there? Don't you think it wouldn't damage the little kids to see the parents calling each other vile names and saying things to each other that in the light of day regret with all of your being that you hadn't said in front of the kids?
Taking your kids with you on a "loyalty test" is frighteningly irresponsible. He's lucky that his wife is loyal to him and was exactly where she said she would be "every time" (his words). Why did he have to wake little kids up and drag them down there after midnight? Wouldn't a call to the office have sufficed?
No. A dad who values his kids and suspected his wife was cheating would have found out, confronted her NOT in front of the kids if possible, and then would have broken the news to the kids in a way that would have minimized as much possible pain. He would have worked to make sure that they would know that no matter what, they were loved.
Instead, to check on his wife, he dragged his kids out into the night after midnight in hopes of possibly catching his wife cheating. Do you think that if he had caught her, he would have thought about the kids before laying into her then and there? The little kids, one of them just 3 years old, are innocent no matter what, and a rage-filled confrontation would have scarred the little daughter.
Now do you see what I mean??
What's more despicable is that he was sweet-talking an ex in front of his kids (his little 3-year old at least). What kind of a father does that?? Most parents know to protect their kids from bringing mistresses and sex partners into their marital house in front of their children, yet this guy Skypes his ex, no doubt flirting and marvelling in her beauty, and brings his 3-year old right there for his ex-fiance to cry over. What the hell was she crying about, because she wanted to be the 3-year old's mommy?
KIDS are to be protected against all of this stress and rage and anguish, no matter what. They are innocent. They are little kids, and the world is cruel enough.
This guy wasn't thinking about anyone but himself. How many guys would WISH their wives would come home and wake them up for sex?? If she were really ignoring him, she'd come home and go to bed. However, even late as it is, she comes home and wakes him up to be with him. He even admitted she was really trying to improve, but by then, it was much too late, and he had already cheated.
The more I dig into this, the angrier I get. Why is it so wrong for a woman to be ambitious at her job, and why must she "deserve" the guy's unfaithfulness? If the situation was reversed, there would be a lot less sympathy for a wife who went and dug up an ex while the husband slaved away at his work, faithful to his wife and trying the best he can to help make her job easier (live-in nanny), making efforts to check in and call, and telling her that she's the best thing that's ever happened to him.
Ugh.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): Not sure how exposing the kids to the mistress is putting them in harms way (is she a child molested? A serial killer?) but OP I do think that its despicable that you cheated on your wife. There is no excuse. She wasn't cheating on you. In fact you're only too happy to stay married to her for her money. This is cowardly and dishonorable. If you don't like how this marriage has turned out then get a divorce. Otherwise you're just using your wife for financial benefits (my combined household income is less than a quarter of yours so I find it hard to sympathize with your fear of losing your wife's income) . And you're just using your mistress to get rid of your loneliness but without ever giving her a real committed relationship (how can you if you have to keep up the appearances of being married to someone else) . And you are using your kids to justify this whole arrangement of not ending the marriage. Do the right thing and either give up the mistress or give up the marriage. Or better yet why not tell your wife everything and then she may make the decision for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): OP, based on your latest post, why haven't you divorced her yet? You sound like you have given up on this marriage and for good reason. So why the inaction? As long as you refuse to divorce you will continue to be an adulterer. You need to remove that "married " label from yourself if you want to develop a new relationship with anyone else in an ethical manner. Stop the dishonesty.
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A
female
reader, malletchick76 +, writes (4 October 2012):
 Sex is clearly not everything. I understand that you were lonely, but it seems like you used your wife's success and time consuming job as an excuse to sleep with an old flame. Clearly there are some issues with your wife and her need to bury her head in work, but she works those awful hours and works her butt off for YOU and your FAMILY. If we flipped this situation and your wife was saying this about you, everyone would call her every name in the book for not being faithful.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 October 2012):
There's something else that bothered me about your post:
You have two kids under the age of 10...one of them being a 3-year old. Upon suspecting that your wife was cheating, you woke your kids up to bring them to your wife's place of business just to see if you could catch her cheating?? They need their sleep, but you used them to check on your wife?? It's after midnight, yet you still deprived them of sleep? Weren't there other ways to check on your wife besides dragging your kids into it?
Second, and this one actually made me angry when it dawned on me -- you exposed your 3-year old, the same 3-year old you woke in the middle of the night to drag out of bed to use as an alibi to catch your wife cheating "every time", and you EXPOSED her to your affair?!? She saw your 3-year old and began to cry because why? She wanted you in the sack! That's really nasty of you to do that.
Even the most heartless, selfish people I've seen on here who cheat on their spouses have the heart not to expose their kids to their affairs. YOU thought nothing of your kids here, put them in harm's way in case you were to catch your wife in an affair after midnight, and then you exposed your little one to your mistress.
You need help.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 October 2012):
That sounds noble, EXCEPT that you've ALREADY cheated on her!!! You can't take a moral high ground since you've destroyed your relationship now!
Not only that, but you criticize her for working the long hours (and passing your marital loyalty tests by actually being at her office doing what she told you she was doing), yet you fret over losing the benefits of her long work and job security??
You also complain about her being disconnected from you and you being alone, yet she comes to you with her problems and shows appreciation to you?
If things were this bad, you should have divorced or separated from her before cheating on her. What really happened was that you were feeling unappreciated, your ego was hurting from her being more successful, your hours were such that you had more time with the kids than she did, and then your ex came back onto the scene.
You *had* to have a lonely, anguished husband narrative in order to justify to yourself a righteous reason to cheat on your wife. Seriously, if you feel this justified in cheating, why not tell your wife?? If you think you're in the right? Stand up for your decision in front of her and all of your family and friends. You shouldn't be able to be enriched by the fruits of her hard labor while at the same time punishing her for it by betraying her with an ex.
My father worked as an executive for a large corporation, and his job required most weeks that he left to go out of town on Monday and returned on Friday. He typically worked from 6am until midnight, and my mom only saw him on the weekends, MAYBE. My mom was grateful, even though she was primarily there for us 3 kids. Neither my mom or my dad ever cheated on each other, and they just celebrated their 43rd wedding anniversary. I think of them when I see the beginning of the movie "Up".
This is why I don't have sympathy for you. You have more with your wife than my mom had with my dad, and they found ways to keep their love strong, from regular calls to scheduling getaways on regular intervals (Cancun, Mexico became a favorite once-a-year spot).
In the end, you cheated because you wanted to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think it is sort of funny all the people saying I should work on my marriage instead of cheating. How do you work on a marriage when the other person is not there? How do you work on a marriage when she won't go to the therapist because she does not have the time? I have told her I am seeing a marriage therapist. She was interested for about 2 minutes. I told her I was going to move out with the kids because she is never there and I felt like I was a nanny first, a father second and a husband last. Her response was to hire a live-in, not to change her hours.
How do you work anything out with someone who work until 3 AM half the week? Do you talk to the wall? The only time I can have a conversation with her is to get in the shower with her and talk to her while she shaves her legs. Or, stay up until the middle of the night and then be a zombie the next day. Whoops, I have done all of that and NOTHING HAPPENS.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 October 2012):
I've got an idea, why don't you just swap with your wife ? YOU go get the 300.000 plus job with the exhausting infernal hours that prevent her from spending time with her kids, getting a good night's sleep so she has to catch up on weekends, and impose limitations on her sex life because no matter how she gets horny she CAN'T be in bed by 9 wearing her black lace negligee'; that same job that you both need, to keep your 7 bedroom house, expensive cars, expensive vacations, live in nanny , and all that good stuff that you gladly partake of.
And SHE gets the less demanding, less paid job where,also, the ax can fall down anytime leaving the workers with their ass hanging out in the cold, but at least gives them ample time to romance ( and screw ) ex flames.
It would not change the general situation at all, you may say, because either way one of the spouses gets cheated out of a normal family life and must carry on and stiff upper lip , under the weight of enormous sacrifices done by only one for the COUPLE and their kids.
Ah yes, but at least she'd get a break , it would be a nice change, for a while, and who knows, maybe she could rediscover her most sensuous, tender, loving side... maybe with her ex boyfriend. Which now she cannot do, being too busy giving you the things you got accostumed to, and granting you a worry-free financial future.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 October 2012):
 I think you are grasping at straws trying to excuse your cheating by blaming it on your wife and her work hours. And sorry, I think that is total bullshit.
If you are not happy you need to tell your wife. You need to figure out if you think you two can work on it or if it is time to let it go. (the marriage).
Own your actions, tell your wife.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 October 2012):
Sorry - this really pisses me off. I used to work on Wall St and I put in plenty of 90 hour weeks. Its not like your wife is out partying with her friends or chasing other guys. She is WORKING. You know - WORK. The thing that is difficult and no one likes to do, especially for those long hours?
You have absolutely no justification in cheating on her. That was a disgraceful selfish act. If you have problems with your wifes lifestyle, then you need to speak to her about it. In the meantime, you should be kissing her feet that she is willing to sacrifice so much to support your lifestyle.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): "sex" is a part of life, not everything! you have a wife many would envy you forTry and appreciate her, support her instead of blaming her. You are already a home wrecker, having an affair. stop comparing your wife with your ex-fiance. Talk to your wife, express your feelings give her a wake up call. I am sure she would understand.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): You have a wife many would envy. Appreciate her.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (3 October 2012):
Well as they say the grass is always greener...but one thing I heard recently is the grass isn't greener on the other side if you take care of what you have on your side.
Now, I'm not saying you haven't tried to take care of anything, because it sounds like you have with trying to talk to her and even seeing a counselor (which is very big of you). I'm guessing you really do want your marriage to work out. Granted, you knew how she was when you married her, but I highly doubt you thought you'd be taking care of your children and never seeing your wife--if I were in your shoes, I would probably feel the same as you.
As far as your ex...isn't there a reason why you married your wife and not her? Suddenly you were the best thing that happened to her after her divorce and now you see all these qualities that you actually liked before in her. I'm sure she's a comforting source and you're both going through some sort of heartache. If she wasn't worth it the first time to marry, is she worth it this time to be with?
I think you deserve to be happy and so does your wife. I do think you need to be honest with her about the affair--although, I think cheating is really bad, I can understand why you did and she needs to as well. I think you need to tell her before just abandoning your marriage and maybe she'll finally open her eyes (and it's a shame that cheating had to happen for her to do so) and do something about it. If she won't agree to anything, well then, I think it's safe to say it's over.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 I think the irony of your submittal is that you and your wife have worked your butts off for so long.... and now have all the trappings that come with financial success.... and you are miserable.... whilest wifey is, apparently, still enjoying the acquisition of more "things"...
I suppose that if nothing were ever to change, the two of you would/could continue to accumulate "things".... and, in the end, you would die and have funerals.... just like paupers and homeless people do.... and you will never have had the opportunity to curl up together on the lanai, some evening, share a glass of wine and say to one-another: "Gee, (your's and her name here), hasn't our time together been just oh-so delightful???..."
There really IS a reason to "stop and smell the roses"...
Mine came when I was thrust in to a life-threatening situation.... in which I was responsible for the safety (and well-being) of 6 people (me and 5 others).... in a hurricane, on my sailboat. Following that episode, ALL the other "stuff" of life came in to MUCH CLEARER focus!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): "So do I stay with the mother of my children who is never home or do I follow my heart and wreck my family"
You've already wrecked your family because you have been having an affair.
I was feeling sorry for you because your wife really did neglect you and I don't blame you at all for being so lonely and miserable and resentful toward her.
However, I lost all sympathy for you when you said "Two weeks ago, I finally got fed up with my wife’s hours and told her I was going off on a business trip and spent the week with my ex-fiancé."
You see, at that point where you were so lonely and desperate, and your ex showed up , you were at a crossroads. The choices being presented were do you stay in your miserable marriage with a spouse who neglects you, or divorce her for the chance of something better? At that point no one would fault you for divorcing your wife since she was never there she basically abandoned the marriage in spirit long ago.
But instead you twisted the crossroads into "should I cheat or not?" and then you chose to cheat. that's just immoral, far more immoral than your wife's neglect of your marriage.
I think at this point your options going forward are this:
1. get the divorce already. You know you don't want to stay with your wife. If you stay with her just because of finances and guilt, you're being just as bad to her as she was to you.
2. if you decide you do want to stay in your marriage, then confess to your wife that you cheated on her, and let her have a say in whether she wants to continue the marriage or not. It shouldn't be entirely your decision and yours only because you're witholding information from her.
your affair is the symptom of a long broken marriage - your wife's neglect no doubt played a huge role in the demise of the relationship and she needs to see that and take responsibility for it. She needs to know just how serious her role in this was, that's why she needs to know that you cheated on her. And then you need to take responsibility for not being man enough to divorce her or tell her that you were seriously thinking of leaving her for someone else so she could have accurate information of just how miserable and desperate you are, instead of cowardly running off with someone else for an entire week and lying about it.
Both you and your wife are at fault for the state of this marriage. Your wife started it with her years of neglect, but then you escalated it by committing adultery. (you did not have to commit infidelity you could have ended the marriage instead or voiced your true feelings to her first) . if you want to stay with her, then you need to get everything out in the open.
if your heart does not want to stay and work things out, then for goodness sake divorce her already instead of continuing to stay and complain about being dissatisfied and cheating on her.
what about this ex-fiance that you've been having an affair with? Did you give her the impression that you're leaving your wife for her? If so, you would be doing her a disservice if you now decide to stay with your wife and then continue the affair on the side.
So first of all decide if you want to stay in your marriage or not. If you do it should be a 100% commitment to make it work, no half-a$$ decision based on finances and guilt.
if you don't want to stay with your wife AND be faithful to her, then you absolutely need to divorce her no matter how guilty or scared you may feel about it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 October 2012):
You're asking whether or not you should honor your vows or stay with her and whatnot? Sorry, but you had that choice before you cheated, and you have now gone past the point of no return in terms of your choices.
I do not have any sympathy for you now, because how do I know your story isn't an exaggerated justification of your sexual escapade with your ex? You cheated on her! You can't undo that! There is nothing whatsoever that justifies that! If things were so bad with your wife, then you should have divorced her, not cheated on her. You said she wasn't cheating on you, and she has a point -- she has always been this way. This is who she has been the whole time you've known her.
You need to come clean with her about this. The choice should be hers whether or not she wants you still in her life, because you sitting back thinking about whether you want to honor your vows....you broke them! It's *over*! What are things like with your ex now? Are you still in contact with her? Are you still sleeping with her?? Do you still Skype?
It's also pretty profane to me that you would sleep with someone else, then fret over your wife's financial security she brings you. You make 100k, but your job is tenuous. What if the shoe was on the other foot, and your wife was sleeping with someone else and using you for your money?
I would have more sympathy for you if you were at a point before the cheating, but I don't *ever* subscribe to the "it's her fault I cheated" excuse under any circumstance. You blew up your marriage, and for what?? Sex? An escape from the rigors of life? Mid-life crisis? Ever stop to think that your ex was an ex for a reason? Why did you and your ex break up the first time? Did someone cheat?
You have crossed the point of no return and caused permanent damage to your marriage whether your wife knows or not. She has never changed what she is. You said she's always been workaholic, so that means that that is who you married. No one can change someone else.
This is very telling:
"One of her complaints with me has been that I make sex an event. With my ex-fiancé, it was an event. We would go to bed at 9 PM most nights and sex was never rushed. We were in love and making love was a celebration of life—not something to do to shut me up."
You are sunk when you are constantly comparing her to your ex-fiance now. If your ex was so perfect and good, why did you break up with her? Ever stop to think that you might be idealizing a relationship you had at a time in your life when you had no kids and no responsibilities?
I believe neglect took place in your marriage, and your wife should have made time even for a getaway with you. However, you blew it big time when you cheated. You can't go back, and every time you brought the kids in to see her late at work, she was being faithful to you. Cheating on you with her job? What a crock! Don't ever justify your cheating on you with drivel like that, and then turn around and want to hold onto the benefits of her work, i.e. her financial benefits and money.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): "So do I stay with the mother of my children who is never home or do I follow my heart and wreck my family?"
Neither, you stay with your children who are always home and preserve your family.
"Would you honor your vows and live the rest of your life with someone who is never there?"
No, I'd honor my vows and live the rest of my life with someone who is always there, my children.
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reader, Xearo  +, writes (3 October 2012):
It is a really sad story, one of those with no black and white solutions that will bring true happiness. The whole ordeal seems complicated but more importantly it seems very slow. Your wife is making an improvement so I think you should give her another chance. You've tried so much already and she isn't a really bad person.
The only worrying thing is that she gives more of her attention now that something bad has happened to her at work. But what will happen when things go good at her work? Would she go back to being neglectful? Either way you should focus on one problem at a time. Leave your ex fiance out of the equation. If I were you and your wife doesn't show any sign of progression from this point on then I would probably leave her. But that is just me, I think others may stay because of the kids. Whatever you chose, I hope you prepare yourself. Also don't assume things will work out with your ex as well. Focus on this issue 1st.
All the best I hope you can update us on how things go. Sorry I do not have the best of advice.
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reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (3 October 2012):
 I think you should give your wife a big wake up call. Tell her you want a trial seperation. Then do it. Work out the details of how you will balance visitation rights for the kids but don't take the full responsibility for them. She needs to see a true picture of life without you. If you take the kids off her hands, it won't be any different than it is right now. She needs to figure out how she and the nanny are going to juggle the kids lives in your absence. You can come visit them on week-ends, but pull back. You can set a time duration for the seperation; 3 months? 6 months? If you feel really brave, I think you should tell your wife you have met someone else because you are lonely and basically living "alone". Then move to a location away from the house and wait to see what she does. At this point I would not advise that you rush into the arms of your ex-wife, however tempting that might be. With your wife's money she could very well hire a private investigator. In some states you could be sued if you are unfaithful. So keep that in mind. After a reasonable amount of time if you have seen no change in your wife's work schedule, it will be time to file for divorce and believe me, you could end up getting a nice alimony check each month since she makes more money. During the time you are alone, you should carefully evaluate why you got divorced from your ex-wife to begin with. You want to make sure you're not just running back to the tried and true, because it feels "safe". If there were problems in your first marriage you have to be objective about whether or not those same problems could still exist between you. It's easy to get swept away with her, afterall you are starving for companionship. Also you should demand that your wife go to couples counseling. If she doesn't make the effort, plan your exit strategy. If she does agree to go, that's a good sign. Alot can be revealed in a series of counseling sessions. I realize there are some people who are married to their jobs, but I just can't imagine it. Not with those hours. If nothing else works, file for divorce and move on with your life. It is too short to waste like this. Good luck.
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reader, demeplev +, writes (3 October 2012):
Wow, what a tough situation, i am so sorry for your pain. Does your wife know you cheated, maybe she doesnt realize the extent of your pain,or how dire it is?
I am divorced and its by far the worst on the kids,
us adults we trade in our family for our happiness but at the expense of our kids. I have strong values for staying married and believe in trying literally everything before throwing in the towel, for better OR worse,
but not everyone believes that.
I know your hurting
think it thru,
dont go on the fly by night happy happy joy joy of an affair, an affair is all great just like when you first date someone..
love and marriage is about the lives you share
the good the bad the ugly you are there thru thick and thin, you are family, blood, kids houses love AND discomforts...
she(wife) should understand the extent of your misery i am not convinced she really, really gets your despair. Please try to really talk to her first, fill her in on your reality, your pain, your loneliness, your despair and how she plans on being there for you and your kids that doesnt involve a paycheck.
I wish you all the best, you are in a tough spot.
Please keep us posted.
Peace and love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): If what you are saying is true. I would try and work it out with your wife . Go to counseling with her. If she refuses , you know she it is just window dressing for now to try and temporarily appease you.
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reader, SleeplessJealousy09 +, writes (3 October 2012):
 It's hard to say. When you married your wife, you married her problems too and you knew about her ambitions. You should'nt have cheated and your wife deserves to know the truth.
You guys love each other so maybe it's possible for you to work it out. Request that you both talk to someone. If she says no, beg and grovel. If she still says no, well, that's the end of that.
If you've attempted to fix something over a long period of time and there aren't any signs of progress, well, I'm sorry but it's just not worth it.
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