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I am the parent to my teen brother - our parents are deceased. My brother is now 14. How do I raise and discuss talking about sex and all that to him?

Tagged as: Family, Health, Sex, Teenage, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 October 2015) 9 Answers - (Newest, 31 October 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

When i was 16 i held my baby brother in my arms and said to dad "god he's small, i'm not baby sitting". Well i think i changed his nappies more times then mum used to.

Honestly a few years later when i went off to university my biggest joy coming home was having my little brother propel himself into my arms. Together we were amazing.

My Dad attended my graduation even though he was gravely ill, he passed away when i was 22, love him always.

Mum was killed in a car accident 2 years later, love mum always. That left just me and my brother, 24 years old with a 8 year old brother to look after.

First year was really hard, i mean we were brothers and that was the mentality i had, he was my brother.

I was speaking to one of his teachers who express his sorrow about me losing my parents.

My brother was still here but the way the teacher explained his statement made some sense.

When i took over guardianship of my brother i became both my mum and my dad and my brother became my son. I know maybe i an not putting this into the best wording but hope you are getting my drift.

So i became a parent without realising it. Anyway the brother antics stop and i guess i became more focus on my little brother as any adult would.

Lots of things improved between us, fun was still fun but stupid and daft fun disappeared.

Well my little brother is 14 now and he has found another activity to experiment with, seriously i know i was like this and cannot believe my parents never notice.

Until i spoke to my girlfriends parents about it. Seriously my little brother must have all the sperm banks in England between his legs.

My girlfriends mother just said " you wash his sheets and pillows like nothing has happened and at some point you have to talk about sex, tomorrow would be good" Well that is my question do i talk to him tomorrow.

View related questions: sperm, university

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A female reader, maverick494 United States + , writes (31 October 2015):

First of all, great job so far. You've been through so much and you've shown strength and character all the way. Really good that you're thinking about this, because a lack of sex education causes a lot of unnecessary problems later in life.

Here's what I wish every parent would teach their son:

1. Sex should be about giving each other a great time. Guys, especially young teens, always worry about their reputation in bed. Well, if your aim is to make the other person feel good and you're open and receptive to feedback, there's not much you can do wrong. When you do something that's outside of the other's comfort zone, you back off. Remember, if your idea of sex is only getting yourself off, masturbation is what you should be doing instead.

2. Which brings me to the second point: consent, like others have said, is very important, if not THE most important thing. If you have to force or manipulate or bully people into having sex with you, you shouldn't be having sex at all. If you wouldn't want someone to do that to you, don't even think about doing it to them.

3. Protecting yourself from STD's and unwanted offspring is your own responsibility. You can't rely on your partner to think of the condom. If you're mature enough to have sex, you're mature enough to buy your own condoms and remember to put them on. Speaking of which, condoms don't have to be a nuisance. Make putting it on part of the foreplay. (Also always check the expiration dates and store them safely so there aren't any holes in them).

4. Pay attention to biology, yes even the part that pays attention to the female body. I once met a guy, who when I told him I was on my period, asked me if I "couldn't just, hold it in, like you do when you have to pee." He legitimately had no clue how the female body worked and he was 20.

5. Society tells boys to play the offense, so boys are raised with the idea that they're entitled to aggression and violence, while girls are taught to defend themselves and be aware. Right now, the worst thing that can happen to a guy is to get laughed at in his face by a girl. The worst thing that can happen to a girl is to get raped and murdered.

In short: boys need to be taught to:

- Love people

- Respect people

- Never assault.

If somehow, you can get these 5 principles across to him and have him pay attention, he'll grow up to be a fine man.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 October 2015):

Honeypie agony auntHe is 14, so my guess is... he knows a LOT more about the subject than you think. DOESN'T mean you don't NEED to have "the talk".

1. Talk about sex. SAFE sex. I suggest buying him some condoms and a couple of bananas and SHOW him how to put the condom on right, and explain WHY you think this lesson is important. To avoid pregnancies AND STD's/STI's. Now he may protest and tell you that he isn't having sex, yet. Which... IS GOOD. Still doesn't mean he shouldn't LEARN how to put a condom on right.

2. talk about consent. The SOONER boys and girls learn that YOU need consent for sex the better.

3. Talk about porn, again if he has ANY kind of access to the Internet - he has seen porn. YOU can be pretty sure about that. A LOT of kids don't realize that pron is NOT reality. That is not how good sexual interactions work. I would honestly suggest he limits his porn use. Maybe suggest YOU and HIM go check out : http://yourbrainonporn.com/

4. talk about hygiene - THOSE nasty crusty sheets/whatever else he is gunking up, he is OLD enough to make that mess, he is OLD enough to clean it up.. And SHOW him how to do a load of laundry. He needs to learn to clean up after himself. It actually reminds me of American Pie (the movie) where this one guy had a "happy sock" - but hey less mess everywhere. Like YouWish mentioned - tissues (AND a trashcan he empties himself!) etc. would be a good idea as well.

5. YOU are a guy. YOU know how awkward this phase is. SO TALK to him how you would have liked to have had the talk yourself.

6. I think BrownWolf made a great point as well, TALK to him about how to treat girls right. Again, not a lesson he can learn too soon.

7. LAST but not least - LET him know he can ALWAYS talk to you, to ask you question. And if you don't know the answers you CAN do a little research either together or by yourself.

You can also look into getting some pamphlets at the doctors about safe sex, let him read them and then discuss them.

I have had the "talk" with ALL 3 of my girls. We had the menstruation chat, the consent, the sex chat, the SAFE sex chat, the dating etc. My husband claimed it was MY job since out kids are girls lol and no, I didn't enjoy it, but I RATHER have them informed than ignorant and knocked up.

Last year, there were 2 8th grade (14/15 year old) girls who got pregnant... so YES it IS important to explain this to them, even IF they already know a LOT more than you did at that age.

THIS IS NOT a subject you should avoid because it's embarrassing.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2015):

I believe that the standard way to start the sex discussion with a fourteen year old is to buy a couple of packets of condoms and give themto him saying "You'll be needing these one day unless your planning on getting your girlfriend pregnant".

How he replies dictates the rest of the conversation, if there is more because he could just usher you away with a wave of the hands saying "yeah, yeah!"

"whatever!"

"in yourface!"

etc..

If hejust gets embarressed stay cool and say something like" Your not suppossed to break them with your nails, have they given y'all them at school next!"

If he says its all been about the birds and the bees but bessie at school is one hot girl, then you can open theconversation up further, but if you can only converse by lecturing then the standard lecture is "Dont go getting ny girls pregnant or you'll be paying maintenance for the next eighteen years!"

If he says "look bro im only beating my meat and no sex yet "

you can give a sigh of relief and tell him your glad you got the condoms to him in time.

Also tell him "Never force a girl or do it to someone totally drunk or passed out unconscious because it counts as rape.."

So you see he will feel free to ask questions if he needs.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia + , writes (29 October 2015):

Ivyblue agony auntBuy a box of laundry detergent and put it on his bed. if he asks why respond with I was 14 once too mate, smile and leave it at that! Maybe leave it few days and take him out, do something 'BLOKEY', grab a bite to eat and ask him if he has thought much about girls and see where it takes you. Be open, honest and if he does ask anything acknowledge the sensibility of his question. If you are unsure how to answer anything-let him know that and you'll have to get back to him about it. Maybe even approach the subject of the realities of porn and explain what a healthy relationship looks like. Better you get in before that warps his way of thinking.

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A male reader, dougbcoll United States + , writes (29 October 2015):

dougbcoll agony aunt the talk will be rough but could save him some heart ache down the road. getting a STD, getting a girl knocked up, ect..

these are areas that need to be touched on, they could change his future in big ways.

all you can do is tell him how it is by not over the topping the subject that will make him want to start chasing girls down after the talk.

you can tell him about STD,s , getting a girl knocked up and how that can change his future in school , career choice,s , who he marries and so on.

plus how it can and will taking advantage of a girl for sex. what it will do to her emotionally.

he is 14 and will listen to you being his brother , more so than coming from a parent or stranger. but he may let some of it go in one ear and out the other. but he will remember the talk from you and how you cared enough to spend the time with him over this subject.

but you have got to remember how you was at 14 that is why it is important. at 14 i had a collection of PLAYBOY magazine,s under my bed, dresser drawers, book case head board. so yes it could be an important age to talk to him.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada + , writes (29 October 2015):

BrownWolf agony aunt

Simple...You teach him from a woman's point of view. Tell him everything a woman wants in a man, and how he should treat her.

Most men are never thought this...I was lucky to be raised by my grandmother and learn some very valuable things :)

Teach him how to treat women right.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 October 2015):

Your girlfriend's mother is right. Being male yourself, you can address the issue as you would have wanted it presented to you. At 14, you will not really be telling him much he doesn't already know. By now, he already has to the schoolyard version of sex; and he has surely done his own investigating and exploring.

At 14, for a boy, fiddling with himself becomes a favorite past-time. That, and the nocturnal-emissions that ensue going through puberty. Be nonchalant, don't be too pointed or direct. Stress safe-sex and what that is. Also keep the conversation minimal; because you don't want it to look like an inquisition or intrusion on a very private activity.

The less said about his natural behavior the better. Explaining intercourse and sexuality should be done relaxed and comfortably. His level of understanding is rudimentary; but kids nowadays pretty much know all the details at 10!

I am sorry about your loss as well. There were 8 of us and my mother died when the youngest was only 2! We all shared in my little brother's upbringing, but my dad was there and could afford a nanny and housekeeper. He had to often travel for work, leaving my older sisters and brothers to take care of a house, bills, and the younger brood. The housekeeper/nanny was not on call 24/7! We all had chores and responsibilities, and even more so when dad passed. The youngest was still only 16! So I know something about what you're going through.

You were once his age. So think back and reference from memory what you did learn from your parents; but always keep a sense of humor and exercise patience. You must also emphasize authority to let him know there are rules and parameters, and you are willing and capable of enforcing them.

Simply bring up the topic of sex without referring to the sheets, please! That isn't necessary and has no bearing on the topic. Just bring the topic of sex when you have his fullest attention; and he's not distracted by other things he'd rather be doing or discussing.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (28 October 2015):

YouWish agony auntBodily fluids are a tough discussion even for parents to have with their kids. Like the one woman with teenage kids said in Bridesmaids "I cracked a blanket in half!". I'm a mom to a 15 year old son, and I get it, trust me!

You need to do two things:

1. Have an alternative in place for the orderly disposal of fluids, since not everyone uses the shower as their only M place. This means, unless you want blankets and sheets and socks and old shirts to be permanently "fertilized", you have to give him something else to use to clean up after himself. Buy lots of tissue (or toilet paper if that's in for it), lots of washcloths, those adult wet wipes, anything like that. He's going to continue this activity (as do you!), so he needs to be taught how to do it hygienic to both him and the house. Some people use condoms or sandwich bags, which make me glad to not be a guy!

2. You just need to straight up tell him, no matter how embarrassing it is for the both of you. Explain that thinking that the magic semen fairy will just make it all go away, there's someone else who's actually DOING THE LAUNDRY who has to deal with the socks, t-shirts, and other things that need cleaning. Tell him how to dispose of it and more importantly, how NOT to. If he ignores you, it's time to pass the clothes washing chore to HIM, so he can deal with the fact that semen doesn't JUST go away.

I don't envy you, and my husband hates talking about that stuff so much that he put it on me to deal with it, which is doubly embarrassing for a MOM to have to have this sort of talk with their teenager. Ugh.

Good luck, and here's to a cleaner future!

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (28 October 2015):

janniepeg agony auntI agree with your girlfriend's mother but I also think it's best for him to wash his sheets. I have no penis so I never had to worry about where the sperm lands on. I think the best place for it to be is the toilet. I don't want to see any on a computer keyboard, on clothes, or on the floor. Telling your brother to wash his sheets would make him self conscious about it, and that his minutes of passion can have an effect on other people living with him. Just ask him a favour of doing laundry this time and not mention the sheets. Every one has their style of talking about sex. Mine is to not talk about it at all, and don't want anyone talking to me about it except for my husband.

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