A
female
age
36-40,
*unkyfeline27
writes:I'm after a little bit of advice. I really have messed up and don't know how or if I can fix this.I really like this guy, but I thought he had made it clear that he wasn't interested in me. His best mate started flirting with me and I stupidly ended up having a one night stand with him. A few months later the guy I really liked started to show interest and we ended up sleeping together a few times. I think he had found out about my one night stand, which happened a few months before him, and now won't talk to me. How can I tell him that the one night stand meant nothing?
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (6 September 2012):
If it was his best mate then its sure your friend found out about it. Whilst he may be open minded and respect your right to have sex when and with whom you like he would have to be madly in love with you to put up with the ridicule of dating a girl that was so "easy". I don't think this attitude is purely male hipocracy as many women would have an issue if the roles were reversed.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 September 2012):
 Maybe I am being cynical but I think that the one night stand with his mate was not the reason your FWB went off you. The two things are probably totally unrelated. He was not that much into you to begin with ( reason for which, you were not properly dating but just sleeping together occasionally )- why should he have given a fig about whom were you sleeping with , and even before him, as for that. I really do not think there has been much hand wringing on his side and if he has vanished on you it is,alas, for the usual simple reason that he was not much interested and eventually he got tired.
In fact, who knows, since you say he was not into you at all at the beginning,.. maybe the one night stand with his friend IS precisely the reason why at some point this guy started showing some interest. Some guys blab, you know- sort of compare notes .Maybe his friend gave you a very good rating and that was what piqued his curiosity and lead him to see you for a while as.. worth exploring , so to speak.
This too, is a possibility....
I do not think you can fix it and I do not think it is worth fixing it. It sounds that you are into the guy muuch more then viceversa, so your best bet would be looking for a more balanced relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (4 September 2012):
 Let me see if am understanding this correctly:
1. You REALLY like guy B, who is a best mate of guy A.
2. You had a one-night stand with guy A.
3. You got a chance to have a SERIES of what sound like "one-night stands" with buy B... BUT....
4. Guy B doesn't seem to understand that you REALLY like him... and aren't REALLY in to one-night stands... AND, the one you had with guy A was of no consequence...
Now... you don't understand why guy B has disconnected with you... since he's bedded you in that series of one-night stands....
"Sounds" perfectly clear to me....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 September 2012):
 You THINK he found out about the ONS? your not even sure?
so he's gone and you don't even know why?
did you sleep with this guy before you developed a strong foundation of a relationship?
if so, then it was his plan all along to "hit that and be done"
sadly there is a HUGE double standard among many people...
men can be horn dogs and sleep around
women must sit and wait in their virginal towers for the man that unlocks their sexuality.... (let me remove my tongue from my cheek)....
not much you can do about it...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2012): Excuse me for repeating a bit of what others have said.Guys have certain unwritten rules. While there are some guys who have no problems with sharing a girl, most close-knit, respectable guys would never, under any circumstance, sleep with a girl that somebody else in the group has.I think the same extends to women. If there is a group of women friends, and I sleep with one of them, I KNOW that I will never have a chance with any of the others. To do so would be against all kinds of rules and standards.When you slept with his friend, you made a choice. You decided that his friend was more important than him. And if you truly were serious about trying to date him, you never would have done such a thing. Nothing you can do will change this.If you really do care about him, you can try to explain exactly what you were thinking, that you understand you've lost his trust and it therefore seems that you aren't serious girlfriend material, and then explain what you've learned from this mess and how you can be a respectable girlfriend. It probably won't work, but that's really the only shot you have. (I know that if a woman did that for me, I would be impressed with her effort and at least reconsider.)Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (4 September 2012):
 Yos is probably right, although men and women do stray from their respective codes every now and then.
Even if he decided to break the code, trying to assure him that the one night stand meant nothing would make things CONSIDERABLY worse.
We get questions ad nauseam from men troubled by their wives' or girlfriend's sexual histories, the single biggest bone of contention being casual sex. A man might overlook sex within past relationships (or claim to because he knows he hasn't a leg to stand on complaining about those) but he will zero in on and obsess about any one night stands, friends with benefits or threesomes she's had.
Think about it, does it help when a cheating man assures his devoted wife that his mistress means nothing to him? You may not be married, but the sentiment is no more effective in your situation.
Forget about him as he's chosen to forget about you. Consider it a lesson learned and start fresh elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 September 2012):
 Hi
In this day and age its not uncommon for people to have one night stands,there are so many singles about.
IF the reason he has gone off you is because of that one man,his mate, then he really wasn't that into you and was probably just after a quick fling all along.
He was not boyfriend material so just forget him and try to control your sex life until your in a settled relationship if you don't want to repeat the scanario.
You can't undo the past so learn to live with it and keep away from the group of lads these 2 came from.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 September 2012):
Hi
In this day and age its not uncommon for people to have one night stands,there are so many singles about.
IF the reason he has gone off you is because of that one man,his mate, then he really wasn't that into you and was probably just after a quick fling all along.
He was not boyfriend material so just forget him and try to control your sex life until your in a settled relationship if you don't want to repeat the scanario.
You can't undo the past so learn to live with it and keep away from the group of lads these 2 came from.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2012): Guys can be a bit hypocritical. Some will refuse to see a woman who has one night stands that mean nothing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2012): Unfortunately, there's no way to fix this. Even if it meant nothing, you will now seem like the type of girl who sleeps their way through a group of friends, and are in no way "girlfriend material" to them. And even if they still did like you in that way, they wouldn't go out with you anyway for fear of their mates' opinion of them.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 September 2012):
 It's not going to happen. I'll try to explain the guy code:
First thing is, mates don't sleep with the same girls. So you are off the table.
Second thing: since you had a one night stand with his mate, you are now 'one night stand' material and not girlfriend material for them (and their 'group of guys'). He won't be respected in the eyes of his friend(s) if he has a relationship with you... since you are just ONS material.
That's the guy code. I'm not claiming it's right or makes sense, but that's how it goes.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (4 September 2012):
 Pfft if he's gone off you because you had a one night stand months ago, he's not the guy for you. If he really liked you, it wouldn't put him off you. Maybe he's just not that into you. Wait and see. If he's really into you he will want to be with you.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 September 2012):
 I agree with RCN, you can't fix this.
The only way it is salvageable is if he changes his mind and the only person who can change his mind or his view is him.
Even if he did give you another go, I doubt it would last beyond the first argument because he won't ever be able to completely get over what you did and it will always be an issue.
The best you can do is move on and learn to never do this kind of thing to anyone else.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (4 September 2012):
Well it is an awkward thing to deal with. I mean sure it was a one night stand and it meant nothing to you, but it was with his friend. It could have been with anyone else but you chose his friend. Also one night stands tend to raise questions about the seriousness of someone. I'm sure it meant nothing to you, but it does mean something to him. All you can do really is say sorry and hope he can overcome it. Many men can but similarly, many men can't depending on the circumstances. The choice isn't yours to make so you will have to wait and see. I hope it works out and he comes around.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 September 2012):
 You can't. You have to be realistic here. You like a guy... he doesn't show interest, so you sleep with his best friend. How is he suppose to feel? Pushed aside? Replaced? Not worth to much to you, if you'd be willing to just jump on his friend as you did? He's not talking to you because he sees himself as lacking value to you. That's what happens when you treat sex as just an act without importance. You'll need to find a way to make him see that you value him, as a person, and not sex. That's the issue, so now he feels like he's just another one of your flings.
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A
female
reader, helza8a +, writes (4 September 2012):
 It may have meant nothing to you, but if he liked you it met something to him. Plus if he does know it whta his best mate that only makes it worse. I can only advice you to take the chance and say your sorry for what happened.even if you to werent together at the time.
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A
female
reader, Lucky786 +, writes (4 September 2012):
 You say you think he has found out about your one-night stand. Do you know this for sure?
If this is the reason why he is not speaking to you then you have to remember that you weren't with him at the time. Having said that the fact that you had the one-night stand with his friend might be a bit too close to home for him.
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