A
female
age
41-50,
*ountryaly76
writes:I'm Engaged!!!!!!!!. I should be excited right? I'm more worried than anything. We have dated a little over a year and are planning to get married May 2017.We both have children from a previous marriage. He has two daughters (21 and !7), I have two sons (11 and 6). For the most part our blended family works quite well.And, more than likely the problem is me.His 21 year old daughter lives on her own and her and her dad usually just communicate by phone. His 17 year old daughter stays with us 4 days a week(Fri,Sat,Sun,and Mon). And my sons are with me everyday. My boyfriend says that he loves my kids and is trying to help me raise them, he is trying to teach them responsibility an a christian life, which i'm fine with.But sometimes i feel like he is just using them to do the work he doesnt want to do, like mow the grass and feed his animals. and he gets angry when he asks them to do something and they come to me when they dont want to, then it kind of puts me in the middle. and most of the time they end uo doing what he asks unless i disagree with it, and then he gets frustrated with me and calls me weak, and that i have a soft heart and that my boys will never grow up to be good men if i dont make them work.This is what aggravates me, He never asks his daughter to do anything while she is with us. Shouldn't she be helping too? She stays on her phone with her boyfriend and lays in bed all day. But when i say anything about her he gets defensive. and says that he has raised her the same way as my boys, but why the difference now? I feel like a big difference is being made. He gets to tell my boys what to do but i cant ask his daughter to do anything and he wont tell her to do anything. This is the only problem our relationship is having, i just dont want it to turn into a major one. Any ideas of how i can talk to him about this so that he sees my point of view.
View related questions:
christian, engaged Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2016): Darling, the damage that this relationship is doing to your boys is not JUST about the chores.Your children are being made to live with this man walking in and taking over, without even contributing; and you STILL wanting to marry him. You don't want your kids to live with and be taught that this is 'right'?You need to treat them, they can't ever try and pull what this man has tried to pull on you, and that you wouldn't even dream of staying with him and marrying him!?He says that he will pay half of the bills - but how will he afford this? Does he have a job? But more to the point, why wasn't he doing this before now? -Why should it take you to have to demand that he contributes 50%?Please don't stay with this lout- it's not fair on your kids!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 July 2016):
 Nonestly, I have my doubts too. Your bf sounds like the kind of guy who knows very well which way his bread is buttered, so I suspect that his sudden willingness to compromise is only a ruse to buy himself some time, and ensconce Princess Daughter safely in your home. He knows very well that once she is in, it will be difficult to get her out, without resosrting to scenes and confrontations which go against your grain.
Let's say that after the 30 days trial period you want her to leave at once- and she refuses. What are you going to do, call the police ?? I doubt it .
Therefore it would have been a better idea to have this " probation period " BEFORE taking Princess in, and to see if your bf actually changed his tune , in paying his share, handling his animals, and treating your kids well- before allowing him to bring more people in your house.
Anyway- you want to give him the benefit of doubt and that's your choice. Godd luck. And remember, whatever you decide, your children come first . As a single mother of two, unluckily you have the hard task to find a man who's not only good to you and for you, but also good to and for your chikdren.
I can't say that so far this guy has set such a shining example as a desirable long and hard stepparental figure, and that would make me think. But- again, good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (31 July 2016):
Sounds like you have put your foot down, so we can only imagine that there are aspects to thus relationship that are good and worth pursuing with these significant changes you have introduced and he has now agreed to.
I really hope it works out for you, and I hope he isn't just saying this to buy time
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (31 July 2016):
 You're still wanting to be with this man? 30+ answers to this question and not one person has said that it's a good idea. Anyway, we warned you. All the best OP.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 July 2016):
 Good luck OP.
I hope HE is worth all that effort you are going through, and if not... you will know in the future that setting boundaries is OK and that YOU don't "need" a man to raise your kids.
I have to say though, this relationship IF it fails it wasn't because YOU didn't compromise and try and adapt and integrate everyone.
How are the kids doing with all these things going on?
...............................
A
female
reader, countryaly76 +, writes (30 July 2016):
countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am making some changes, as of now his daughter will be staying with us for a month until her mother finds a place to rent.I will put my children first and as far as chores go, they will have the age appropriate ones that i had already given them, ( pick up toys, put laundry away,feed the cat,take trash out). His animals are his responsibility, he will need to feed them and take care of them and his 17 year old daughter can help him, more than one animal belong to her.Bills will be split as well as groceries. He says that he understands , so i guess we will see. I have no problem raising my boys as a single mom. I was doing just fine before him. I just have to remind myself of that sometimes, and no marriage will happen until I'm sure this will work. I have my doubts. I have noticed that in all my past relationships I'm the one tat usually gives until i cant give anymore and then the relationship usually fails anyway. so i guess i need to stop doing that. Thank you everyone for your comments. my eyes have been opened.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (29 July 2016):
 Your children will have a fairly crappy childhood while you stay with this man. I really feel for them - please kick him out before he moves his daughter in!
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 July 2016):
 If you are not going to do the proper thing for yourself then please do it for your children, your two boys deserve better than this, as soon as she moves in they will feel even more pushed out, do not allow this to happen, do not let him control you and your home.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2016): It would seem he has taken a position of authority over everyone in the house. Yet he can't even pay the bills. He's moving his daughter in no matter what you say? Oh really? Seriously?!! You just accepted being overruled? In your own house, with your own two children?
What on God's green earth ever make you accept his proposal? Were you lonely, afraid of living life without a man?
Remember this, you can always do bad all by yourself. Having someone around only to be contrary and disruptive is not better than being alone. It will put you in an early grave. The stress and the discord will wear at your health and mental stability.
Get that mooching chauvinistic backward-thinking neanderthal out of your house with his lazy little prissy of a daughter. Bring your sons up in an environment of peace, fairness, and stability.
First and foremost, let no one ever come along and tell you you're not a good mother, when their own parenting skills don't even hold a candle to what you've accomplished. If you've got to protect your son's from a man, you've subjected them to a hostile environment. Which means it's up to you to change it, and quickly. Before they grow to resent you for it!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 July 2016):
I am totally with Tisha-1. If he leaves ( yeah right- you wish.Jobless, broke, with an appendage of animals who need to be looked after and spoiled teen daughter : who would take him in for free, like you ?.... ) I'd bring out the champagne and celebrate !!
OP, seriously ? You are not just under this man's thumb, you are like under his spell. He must have given you some magic potion to make you dispose of all your common sense, and, what's worse, sense of responsibility for your children.
Ah so his daughter is moving in whether you like it or not ?? It's YOUR freaking house, OP, and YOUR freaking money that you would be spending to support not only him but now also his daughter ! Beggars can't be choosers, Op... he should actually be thankful to you for your generosity and do his best to show he deserves it !
And his way to show that, is bullying you and harassing you. Shame on him for being so greedy , selfish and overbearing, and , sorry, but, double shame on you for allowing this to go on. In exchange for what , we don't know.
Have you thought that you would be actually ripping off your children ? Luckily you work and are self sufficient, and your kids are well provided for. But there are always emergencies and extra expenses... I am not even talking surgery , God forbid. Just stuff like dental braces, corrective lenses... Or simply, they ask you for something special that they could have if you had not turned your household in a homeless mini-shelter... A language course - a musical instrument... a special trip somewhere....
what are you going to tell them : " Not this month, my dear, I have spent all my money on the lazy daughter of the lazy bum who lays down the law un YOUR house ? "
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (29 July 2016):
You still say you'll "try"? Despite whatever this guy's told you and the fact that he's lazy, condescending, rude, misbehaves with your children, acts entitled, is piling on you with an equally lazy daughter and doesn't contribute a single penny?
You really need to re-think your priorities or you'll end up being a doormat all your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (29 July 2016):
So now you are doing the chores for his animals etc... Still not him, and he's making it clear daily that you are not raising your kids right. I think under different circumstances his daughter moving in is acceptable, in any partnership all kids that adults look after should be treated equally and there should be a place for then all, in whatever home their parent is in. However this situation isn't the norm. He treats you and your sons appallingly, and his daughter too precisely. Its an unworkable situation, and he doesn't even see it.
I agree with the other aunts- i wouldn't have this happen and he'd have to leave, with his daughter never moving in.
He is attempting his ace card - id call it and see his hand.
Please tell us, what do you get from this relationship?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 July 2016):
I understand you have to do what you feel is right.
I just don't understand how you can see this guy as the "right" man for you AND your sons.
The fact that he pulled this statement as a ultimatum, he basically called your bluff with the:
"He has pretty much told me that his teenage daughter is moving in and that no matter what i say will stop that."
IT'S YOUR HOUSE! He doesn't contribute ONE penny! And he TELLS you she is moving in no matter WHAT you think? And you still want to "try" and make it work?
I would have kicked him out on his ASS that SECOND he was finished with that statement.
You are selling yourself short, OP.
He is criticizing your parenting style, yet by some amazing "coincidence" he is NOT parenting his OWN daughter like he is expecting you to parent your sons. Because why? She is "better" than your sons? She is ENTITLED to do as she pleases?
Don't for a moment think your boys won't pick up on that.
My advice ? KICK the bugger out NOW before he moves her in. It will be 1000 times harder to leave him AND her "homeless" than to leave him "in between homes" though I suspect this guy has a rare knack for finding women you are willing to bend over backwards when presented with the prospect of getting married.
You think you can kick him out once SHE also moves in? I doubt it.
I'd rethink this... again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2016):
 If it were me, I’d be so okay with him leaving, I’d be having a party! Along with that, I’d make sure I’d changed all the locks on all the doors, changed all the passwords on all my accounts and basically scrubbed him out of my life.
He sounds like a perfectly awful role model for your children and I wonder why you feel you need such a crappy example of fatherhood to hang around.
You’ve tried talking to him about these issues and there’s no compromise, understanding or empathy. What an awful example for your children.
Ugh, Ugh. Ugly.
I’d say ‘buh bye’ ‘don’t bother calling’ ‘ps your stuff is on the curb.’
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2016):
Ah, so you’ve been argued into agreeing with him and there’s no change, you are going to do all the chores and he and his daughter will do nothing, is that what this relationship has devolved to?
...............................
A
female
reader, countryaly76 +, writes (29 July 2016):
countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to follow up with this last question from me. We have talked and fought and talked some more. He seem to truly only see things his way. but i have made my stand about the difference being made between the kids. So now it left up to me the chores that the boys do, and thats fine with me even though i have to hear everyday that im not raising them right. and i fear that i will grow very tired of this. He has pretty much told me that his teenage daughter is moving in and that no matter what i say will stop that. and if im not ok with it that he will leave, so im going to give it a try but it may very well come to the point that he has to leave. I understand that i have to take care of myself and my children first and foremost. thanks everyone for helping.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (5 July 2016):
It sounds like you might actually have been much better off just you and your boys, are you sure that this is the man you want to marry? It sounds like he was being made homeless and moved himself in to your home, don't get me wrong your a good person for wanting to help him, but also it may not have been the best idea for your children as he was new to them. Now he is being a dad to them and it is a bit much in my opinion, it sounds like they are unhappy, I honestly think you need to protect your children and your home and have a proper talk with your boyfriend. He told you his daughter was moving in to your home instead of asking, it sounds like he is slightly controlling and it is his way or no way and it appears that you are letting him. Look I get it, your a single mum, you are bound to want a man in your life to love, but are you sure he is the one for you? I mean seriously? He is not paying his way, which to me is a big no no and yet he is paying bills for his daughter, he must look at you and think you are a doormat. Think about your savings and your boys futures when you make a decision.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 July 2016):
Well said, Honeypie :
Dear Lord !
OP, I am afraid your powers of observation aren't the best ever.
Haven't you noticed how your bf is so big on teaching responsibility to your kids- but failed to teach himself responsibility- as in being responsible for supporting himself as the adult he is, and his own underage daughter?
Oh no- it's more convenient to make YOU responsible for that.
Is this state of things supposed to go on indefinitely ?
Is he working ? (and not contributing nonetheless ? That would be strange.... ), or is he unemployed ? If he is unemployed, why does not he take care himself of things at home ? Logically it would befall on him, as an ADULT with plenty of time on his hands.
Is he looking for a job, and how does he intend to use his income once he gets one ?
Did he propose to you when he still had a job and a roof on his head, or later on ?...
Yeah, I know, love is not about money or material things.
Still, I think that an honourable, RESPONSIBLE adult would have preferred waiting until he had straightened up a bit his financial position before offering marriage. As opposed to burdening a single mom ,raising alone two young kids, with his grown-ass self and his daughter.
And, having the nerve to lay down the law in these conditions !!
OP, sorry but this story is full of red flags. So full of red flags that if you still want to get married in May 2017, I suggest you to celebrate the wedding in Europe , May 1st :
Workers Day . Red flags all over . Yours will fit in nicely.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): So his view of you is "I just don't want his daughter here and that I want us to be divided even though we are supposed to be a family." How did he interpret that from you saying that you want his daughter to contribute to chores? It's nonsense. He's just being manipulative and trying to dictate to you how you live. What's christian about showing favouritism, asking children to do things they're too young for, being lazy and not contributing to where you live financially? Nothing that I can see.You need to wake up and smell the coffee. I agree you and your sons are getting the raw end of the deal when actually you are negotiating from a position of strength. It's your house, you aren't married and he contributes nothing financially so why does he get to have his way all the time? This won't change if you get married. If anything it will get worse as he's well aware that at the moment you can throw him out any time you like. You need to lay down some rules and stick by them if you want a harmonious, blended family in the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 July 2016):
Dear Lord OP!
It went from bad to worse!
So this man whom YOU, out of the goodness of your heart, moved in with you and your boys, thinks that he somehow gets to make all the decision in YOUR house.... because let me guess... HE is male?
What DOES he contribute to your relationship? To your life? IT seems to me he got the WAY better end if the stick here, you got the one with a jobless, bossy turd on the end.
I have to ask OP, did he propose BEFORE or after he lost his job and then his home? Because I can guess he figured you to be a keeper, you take care of him, his animals, his prissy daughter in YOUR house and he contributes nothing? Trying to get out of even doing chores by "making" your sons do them?
I think maybe YOU need to rethink this man and the future here.
At what cost to your sons, will it be to be with this man who is a "taker", not a "giver" or "sharer" ? What are THEY getting out of this?
And the whole notion that he is turning the things around you said and turning them into things you DID NOT say (like the whole (not) moving his daughter in) - he is showing that he DOES not compromise even though YOU have the upper hand (or should have) in these "negotiations".
Definitely rethink this. In the mean time I would tell him that chores for YOUR boys are given BY you as are the rewards. He needs things done for his animals or he wants other things done? HE can do them. The animals are DEFINITELY his responsibility. I think you need to be rather firm about this. THESE ARE YOUR boys, not his. They should be your FIRST priority, not him. YOU need to be firm here, I think.
HE might not like it. I say tough. You are already bending over backwards to HELP him out. What is he doing in return? Judging from your post? not a thing. He takes care of HIS daughter - you should do the same for YOUR boys.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 July 2016):
Sorry, OP, but I'm quite disappointed that a mother moved a stranger into her house with her children before she really knew him and before they really knew him.
You are clearly a good mother and don't need this man, as well as being wise enough to feel moving in was too quick, but you did it anyway. That was a bad decision and not particularly safe for your boys.
Personally, I really think you need to get rid of this man. He's doing *nothing* to contribute, just bullying your boys. He also doesn't want that to change, but he's telling you his daughter will move in to *your* house that neither of them will contribute to. Put your foot down, OP, and kick him out!
...............................
A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (3 July 2016):
Come come now OP, the picture you paint is increasingly poor in regard to this guy you are now engaged to. He doesn't contribute financially? Really? Yet he finds the money to pay for his daughters car and insurance? The daughter who is favoured over all of you? The daughter who does nothing but lazy around in YOUR house that YOU pay everything for? While he tells two boys to do this bidding, feed HIS animals that he brought to YOUR house? And now his precious daughter is coming to stay permanently? If I were you, I'd be reevaluating this whole situation. This guy sounds totally unreasonable, self entitled, holding you and your boys in low status to him and his daughter, and you are allowing this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (3 July 2016):
I've been following this post and thought I should add my two cents here. I'll get straight to the point.
Your boyfriend is a male chauvinist. He suffers from a complex and he knows and realizes his inadequacies and that's exactly why he's bossy and domineering. He feels the need to ascertain himself as the "man" because he knows in his heart of hearts that HE is the one who's living off you and that makes him feel small. In order to make himself feel better, he bosses over you and the boys because that makes him feel important.
To be honest, he is no one to teach your boys responsibility and a Christian life. He's known you for a YEAR! I have a longer relationship than that with the t-shirt I'm wearing!! One year is nothing and he's already being condescending and implying that he's doing you a big favor by teaching your boys the ways of life. In reality, he's just using them to make his own life easier. I'm sure he's done his chores all his life because his lazy daughter doesn't lift a finger and has never helped him. Now that he had two young boys to chide over, he's making full use of them.
He had also sensed your vulnerability. He probably feels like how many people would... Single mom, touching 40, she desperately needs a man and will put up with me despite everything because she doesn't have a choice. He feels that he's giving you the protection that you need, he's doing your sons a big favor by marrying you and the price that you pay is really small. You support him, keep him and his daughter in your house and in return you have the tag of a married lady and a husband.
Honestly, it's a terrible deal if you ask me. You would be much better off without him and take it from me, his daughter's attitude won't change an inch and neither would his. If anything, he'll be even worse once you're married because then he'll feel even more of a sense of entitlement.
All I'll say at the end of all this is, please don't rush into anything. Trust me OP, you don't need this man, HE needs you. Don't fall into the trap. Think carefully about what you're getting into. Again, you don't need him, he needs you. He's the one who's homeless, possibly even financially not very well off and now has a daughter tagging along with him. He needs you. And he's manipulating you into believing that he's doing you a big favor by being in your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 July 2016):
I forgot to add:
well, isn't it intuitive why your bf is defensive about his daughter and protective of her comfy lifestyle ?...
Because he knows your kids have no choice. They are stuck, whether they like the home rules and regolations. They won't go anywhere- not at their univolved, few hours a month's dad.
But he also knows that his daughter has an alternative, although her less preferred one. If she does not like how she is treated at yours, and does not get to do what she wants, she can always choose to go away and follow her mom. But your bf prefers to have her around, to keep her with himself. So he is going to make sure that Princess keeps getting the 5 stars treatment she is used to.
I can see that you are on for an uphill battle... good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 July 2016):
Oh I see.
The house is yours. He was renting - he gets laid off and apparently he is one who lives hand-to-mouth. Didn't have a little something put away for eveniences like that - or a support net of family and friends. If he loses his job, he is also homeless.
Lucky for him, he was dating ( since when ? 6 months, 3 months ? ... ) a nice lady who immediately takes him in - him, his animals and his princessish teen daughter.
" It was quicker than you would have liked " ?... Then why did you do it if you did not like it ?... Was not the comfort and wellbeing of your kids, and the wisdom of FIRST letting them establish a bond of MUTUAL trust and respect with their potential step-father and then " blending " your families, way more important that the necessity of saving rent money to a guy you had just met few months before ?....
( Btw, is he working now, is he contributing fairly to the household expenses ? )
No offence, but you sound a bit of a pushover . And / or your priorities are a bit skewed. You have been raising these kids on your own so far, and I am sure that if you wanted and want and will want to teach them responsibility and a christian life you are capable to do it on your own. Without the need for any self appointed teacher of responsibility and christian life to barge in and take over.
That sounds exactly what happened to a big fictional pushover , David Copperfield's mother. ( Not David Copperfield the magician :), David Copperfield the Dickens ' character ).
- Btw : mowing the grass ? Feeding his animals ?...
Mmmm.....
Although personally skeptical about the compelling necessity of having primary schools kids perform domestic work- obviously,though, I don't think that having a preteen feed the family goldfish or canary is child abuse or child endangerment.
But it depends. If it's horses , or hogs, or even large dogs it may easily become that.
You are familiar with the concept of " reckless endangerment " and child endangerment , I suppose ?
Every State has different laws but they generally fix at 12 or 14 the age limits for doing "grown up " stuff- like handling electrical or motor operated appliances.
So--- mowing the grass ? I don't think so ! If God forbid the kid gets hurt- YOU ( not your bf ) go to jail.
Are they mowing the old fashioned way ? With some sickle-like instrument ?
Even worse . Say that one of the boys cuts his artery while mowing- the judge will be very interested to know everything about your educational theories before sentencing you.
Ditto if they get kicked by a horse or bitten by your BF's pet baboon or what-have-ya.
Oh and btw- technically, children should never be left unattended or supervised only by another child.
Now, of course it's a matter of common sense. If you your kids are alone in the living room quietly watching TV and somehow still manage to hurt themselves, nobody will charge you with neglect or endangerment.
But if you let them loose outside with,say, pruning shears or motor operated stuff, then it's all another story. Any " grown up " chore they do should be ONLY performed in presence of, and under close supervsion of, an adult. Which in a way- sort of defies the purpose, then might as well to just do it himself and get over with it, no ?
I mean, come on, in most States it's against the law having kids under 12 or 14 riding by themselves an elevator !- and you are OK with your bf asking them to do farmhand things ?...
Beside any other considerations, you are really asking for trouble....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): Here's a guy's take on his behavior. You challenged his self-appointed authority in your home. He was asserting himself over the boys; because he feels he has to prove his dominance as a male. They don't understand all that macho bull-crap; so it just comes off as some bully moving in on our mother and bossing us around. He has to take a more loving approach and gain their affection. Respect is a given; because one, he's an adult. Two, you raised them that way. When it comes to his little princess, the world revolves around her. You addressed an important house-rule. Everyone participates! Stick to that rule!
He's using the guilt-trip method to make you feel bad. Stand your ground. You will never have his or her respect, if you let him come in and just boss everyone around. Except his little princess. If you've been kind enough to take them both in, how would he dare say such a thing to you anyway?
You had better toughen up lady, I see hell in the horizon for two little boys all because of you.
You never described in your post any behavior that indicated you didn't want his daughter there. It isn't fair to the boys to get pushed around; while she lies around doing nothing all day. Why can't she feed his pets and mow the lawn?
That's another thing. He brings his pooping animals to your home, and your kids end-up their care-takers?
He's truly testing your soft-heart!
The boys are not stupid, and you're pushing this guy on them. They didn't ask you to. He's got major problems to start with. Kids have to put-up and shut-up. I always come to their defense, especially when they aren't old enough to understand or speak in their own defense about what their being subjected to. I don't care how he was raised. If he's trying to win them over, try being a loving father first. Not their drill Sargent and labor boss. He's not running a boot camp, where it's all about telling them what to do to show them who's boss. Yet you don't get the privilege to do the same, when his precious daughter is lounging in your home. You never need help with household chores, or the boys?
He was homeless, broke, and out of work. Now moving-in with such an attitude? His ingratitude stinks to high heaven. He'd have to have his game in order before throwing an engagement in my face; let alone moving in on my kids and me. You've already got two boys to raise, and did just fine without him. He should have asked his daughter to do everything she could to help you out. It also sets the right example for the boys, and everyone feels equally appreciated and well-treated among the kids.
As for his daughter, if asking her to help you around the house is not liking her; then I guess waiting on her hand and foot is? You want a marriage with equal say? Practice it now. Or don't don it! You are co-parenting. Which means you can tell her what to do, when you feel the need to.
You're not married yet, and it's still your house! You don't have to go through him first, just ask her.
You've gotten a dose of what married-life will be like. How's it so far? You've tried your best not to make him look like a bum, by mentioning his layoff. I'll be kind and bite my tongue on that.
...............................
A
female
reader, countryaly76 +, writes (3 July 2016):
countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnswer to the question does he contribute financially and the answer is no. I pay all utilities and groceries and whatever bills I had before he moved in. He pays his daughters car payment and insurance and buys feed for his animals
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 July 2016):
Thanks for the update, OP :)
My guess is (trying to look at it from his viewpoint) is that his daughter have so far been a "guest" in YOUR home, thus not required to do chores. Which I completely disagree with. We stayed with my BIL for 3 months and MY 3 kids did more chores than ANY of his grown daughters.
I think you should consider talking to your pastor or find a counselor who can help you two get your points across so HE doesn't take is so "personal".
While he as a "father-figure" can guide your sons and be a male role-model, it's not his "right" to make the decisions when it comes to the rules, chores and type of parenting you have chosen and followed so far. And again after "only" 1 year.... He should not be "bossing" them around to do chores, so HE himself can avoid these chores. Maybe again, he feels like the "man" of the house it's his job or right to do so, but honestly, I think he should follow YOUR lead, not move in and then try and change things so it fits him. I'd be pissed.
On one hand it's GOOD that these things have come out now, before the marriage, on the other hand it's not a great sign that he gets so offended and interpret YOUR suggestion for his daughter to help out too as a "you don't want her in your house. What a cop-out! That is him trying to make YOU the bad guy when you point out some things you don't agree with. Instead of accepting that you might have a different view than him.
Also... is he contributing financially? Maybe that is why he is so defensive?
...............................
A
female
reader, countryaly76 +, writes (3 July 2016):
countryaly76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThought I might need to respond after seeing some answers. As of today my boyfriend informed me that his daughter will be moving on permanently. So we had out discussion about everything. Things have not gone very well. He is upset and saying that I just don't want his daughter here and that I want us to be divided even though we are supposed to be a family. So im not sure that I got any of my points across. But I did mention a chore chart among other things and the kids already get reward for the extra things they do. Sometimes money or gifts. My boys have always helped me before he ever came into the picture. So I don't think I was doing a bad job buy he does because it wasn't the way he was raised. And yes I agree the moving in was quick. He had gotten evicted from his rental home because he got behind on rent due to a work lay off. So he moved in with me. I own my home. So yes it was quicker than I would have liked. And the only reason that his daughter is now wanting to live with us is the fact that her mother is wanting to move in with her boyfriend and she doesn't want to go. And someone asked how long I've been divorced it's 4 years and the kids father usually sees them twice a month for a few hours. He was never involved much even when we were married. I agree that a marriage shouldn't take place until we learn to communicate as adults and so far the conversation Is started just not sure how to react to his immaturity and accusations of not wanting his daughter there.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (2 July 2016):
 For this union to work you Adults need to be on the same page… none of this running to mummy when the boys don’t want to do something and certainly none of this laying in the bedroom yapping all day!
By either of you having a soft heart you are in essence undoing the good values one is trying to establish and impart. Discuss, decide and accept what values you both want to see happen with the children including Miss Phone-a-lot. This includes and what is called respecting your Adults, even though they are not blood related they are to learn and respect what is required of them.
You on the other hand can stop making accusations; “HE is just using them to do the work HE doesn’t want to do… feed HIS animals” “HIS daughter can do anything…” It is this type of talk/attitude that creates division and plants a seed of resentment which will infect the whole family. There is nothing in what he’s done that suggests cruelty or abuse…
For me, I don’t care if my children are blood or otherwise under OUR roof, they are to be loved, treated equally and fairly according to their age limit of understanding etc. If one is seen more privileged, this needs to be addressed and nipped in the bud asap! (Certainly teenagers of today are a challenge to separate them from their phones, too participate and contribute some energy towards the household...)
Yet there’s none of this, poor dad’s girl who gets away with laziness or go easy on the boys all because their all from a previous marriage that ended in divorce. (Hear the sad violin playing in the background?)
I stand firm on having unity with my partner (although arguments ensue at times privately) but at the end of the day we have each others back on bring up these young people into unselfish, respectful, off the couch, off the phone individuals.
These children have already witnessed parents who have been unable to communicate and stand united? It’s time to be on the same page as each other, too plant the seed of unity or otherwise each of you will be cultivating weeds of resentment…?
CAA
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2016): He has to give you equal authority over the children; considering he has already asserted his. They will no longer be his children and your children, once you are married. They will be "our" children. You have every right to bring up "your daughters" to be responsible, just as he's teaching "his sons."
Yes, young men need responsibility. It builds character, but they also deserve reward and positive reinforcement. Not just bossed around "for God's sake."
You do not walk into a marriage with some man placing himself as the one and only authority figure in the household. You do not bring half-grown females into your house to lounge around when you yourself do the bulk of the chores around the house.
Who does Missy think she is? Who does he think he is, to establish rules for everyone else (you included}; while he himself is not willing to be a co-parent? He is already taking a patriarchal stance, placing everyone beneath him.
If you are not an assertive woman, and can't see this man as your equal...better yet, he can't see you as his equal?
This marriage is going to be full of fighting and resentment. While "the princess" lies across her bed oblivious to the controversy she's causing in the household.
The boys will eventually resent the both of them; and you will feel compelled to justify his ways. That will into turn, bring their resentment towards both of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (2 July 2016):
Hi. You say this is the only issue you have together...but actually, from what you have written its huge.You are right, this is your fault. You are allowing it to continue.A few things:- you say his daughter stays four days a week. This is living with you, as apposed to staying. Its the majority of the week. She is also 17. The only adult of the three children in the house. Yet doing nothing but lazing about while he expects your little children to do his bidding.- he claims she was brought up the same when younger. This is beyond question a lie. If she were, she would be offering and expecting to be asked to help too. You don't get brought up in a household like that and then suddenly one day think I've done my time, I don't need to do anything more ever now.- your boys are six and eleven. Neither of these ages to my mind I'd be getting them to mow a lawn at to be frank... Older, yes.- your children are not happy, I'd like to know exactly how much they are told to do by this man? It is an utterly unfair situation when they see favouritism towards his daughter, which they are.To me, kids should help out. I really am a believer in this. At six though? Not really, no. I also believe kids should know what's expected of them. For instance, a chores list for each day dictating the couple of things expected. Not adhoc stuff because your boyfriend cant be bothered that day, unless you are all involved in a team effort tidy and clean.I would be saying to him that you need to reach agreement with this for the happiness of all. His daughter lives in your house, she helps out in keeping with her she and percentage of time she lives there. If not, then the boys don't need to do anything either. Fairs fair. I would also insist on a chores rota, which may include all you and your boyfriend do too to show the kids that being asked to do a couple of things a day isn't that big a deal with all the daily things adults do to keep things ticking over.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 July 2016):
I'll give you this situation from the sibling PoV: my brother is only 3 years younger than me and I was the one constantly made to learn life skills and do chores. I'm glad I learnt how to do laundry/cook, but I resent that my brother has never been made to. He's nearly old enough to go to university (if he gets in), but he has no idea how to cook more than just pasta, or how to use a washing machine and tumble dryer, has to be forced to do chores, but always gets stroppy, so they often don't make him because he's "too old for us to punish him" (he's your stepdaughter's age). I'm often asked to cook for him because he'll just get cereal or a bowl of tuna - yes, just emptying a tin of tuna into a bowl - if nobody cooks for him some days. I'd refuse to because it's enabling him, but then I get in trouble!The reason I'm telling you this is so that you can see that it builds up a lot of resentment for some siblings to do things and for others to get away with not doing any.At your kids' ages, they should be doing age-appropriate chores with an age-appropriate reward - like an allowance or sticker chart that with 10 stickers (1 sticker per 2 chores), you go on a day trip or buy them a toy that they want up to $5 or $10, or they can save up their stickers so their toy can be $20, $40 etc.As for his daughter, you need to have a proper chat with him, explain the resentment the children could develop, make it clear that it's not okay with you for anyone to spend 4 days a week at your (joint) house and not do any chores. One chore a day for her, like setting the table or washing up should be enough, otherwise you'll be alienating her. However, I do want to note that she spends half a week *every* week there, so she's still there most days and it's not like she barely sees her dad, only visiting for a couple of days every fortnight - she is living there for half of her time.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (2 July 2016):
 Don't get married until this issue is sorted and everybody, that's you, him, your sons and his daughter, are aware of their responsibilities within the household.
Another point, in your submission you say this: "And, more than likely the problem is me".
No. No, No, No, No, No no, just NO!
Its a shared problem, not yours. Got that?
Like the anonymous male responder I feel that living together after only 12 months of dating is a bit quick, and possibly hasn't given the kids time to adjust to their new reality, but it's too late to reverse that now. I am going to assume the house you are all living in is your fiancés, (simply because his daughter seems to be so at home in it), and that living there gives you and your boys a degree of security that you may not have had previously.
I had a few bells ringing while I was reading your question, its great your boyfriend loves your kids, and wants to help raise them, but I hope he is not intending to make sure they are raised HIS way with no input from their mother, and I also hope he isn't suggesting they weren't being raised right when it was just you .....
You and he need to sit down and discuss this, he needs to be able to explain why his daughter is not expected to help around the house when your children are, after all she is there for more days in the week than she is not.
Once you and he can negotiate an agreement between you then you sit all three children down and outline how they all live there and so they are expected to help out with chores. There should be some give and take here, the youngest child should not be expected to do the same amount as the 11 year old, and the 17 year old should also have her regular chores.
I agree with Honeypie, your boyfriend should care for HIS animals, and there also needs to be some sort of pay off, allowance or pocket money etc.
I hope it all works out for you all.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 July 2016):
... And you say you are marrying this guy ?...
Pardon my harshness, but apparently it all boils down to this - just for the sake of conquering the oh-so- all- important and coveted status of wife, you are allowing your two young kids to be bossed around and walked all over by a semi-stranger; semi-stranger who is also allowed, encouraged , in fact, to set the rules and the general tune for YOUR kids' upbringing .
Never mind the lazy teenager, - her presence on the scene makes your bf's demands even more obnoxious, but , even in absence of a lazy stepdaughter, one can't help asking : WHY ? All for the sake of keeping someone there to warm your bed ? Is it worth it, is it more important than your children ?
You are their parent. YOU ( and the boys's father if he is still around ) have a say about what they should do and when. Not this guy.
Look, I was never requested to do diddly squat as a child and teen ( and I did not become a social misfit or a social threat because of that ) . My " job " was going to school, and then I started working when I was still in college, and that was deemed to be more than enough. The assumption being that, when push came to shove, I was smart enough to figure out how to load a washing machine or put some dinner together as needed ( as it punctualluy happened with no major mishaps ).
Other families of friends of mine operated from different assumptions, and my friends were expected to be responsible for certain chores and/or help around on request.
Cool, it's a matter of personal choices, I am not favouring one over the other.
My point is that anyway it was a PARENTAL choice , not a boyfriendal or step-parental one.
If YOU think that your kids are too young to do what he wants them to do, or for whatever other reason of yours that you don't need to justify, since parenthood is not a democracy, - you prefer them NOT to be asked or forced to do certain things, then they should NOT be doing them , end of story.
If you are a softie, it's not because you " spoil " your boys, but because you cave in meekly to the demands of some guy who has no title to make any.
Sorry, I realize that I am being harsh with you but posts like yours always sort of get my goat. It's mother first, lover after. How can you feel that your BF is USING your kids to do stuff that he should do himself,but does not want to- and still consider him as the right future husband for you and future step parent of said kids ?
Act on what YOU feel ! If you feel that your children are asked too much and peltered with unreasonable demands, - it's not having ALL the minors busting their ass off , stepdaughter included, that will correct the intrinsecal wrongness of the situation !
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2016): Your children have every right to resent the intrusive presence of a stranger (to them) whom you moved into their home and who is now giving them orders even though he has no legal relationship to them.Not knowing how long you've been divorced or whether their father is in the picture, I suggest you may have moved too fast in going from dating to shacking up to becoming engaged in a little more than a year. Your kids have already been through enough in seeing their parents separate and the break-up of their home, they didn't need such rapid further disruptions in their lives.Your kids are at the age where they'll never accept your boyfriend as a faux-father figure, and they are under no obligation to form any kind of relationship (or even like)the man who happens to be sleeping with their mother. His controlling behavior only serves to exacerbate a difficult situation.As a divorced mother, you really need to put your children's interests first before those of anyone else, and take the time to consider their point-of-view.That he is trying to dictate how you raise your kids while his daughter contributes nothing is a huge red flag. I would think very carefully before marrying a guy who could likely become a controlling, verbally abusive husband.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 July 2016):
I agree with Eddie, he makes some great points.
My guess is his daughter gets away with not doing ANY chores because he wants to be the "fun" parent who doesn't "make" her do chores when she is there whilst expecting your kids to do chores because they are there full time.
You need to SIT him down (no kids around) and talk this over.
In my house, we have cats (my husband have rescued every single one except one) so WE (the parents) do NOT expect the kids to clean litter boxes etc. They DO feed them, once a day (they take turns) - I think honestly... it's a little unreasonable that the boys has to feed HIS animals. They will resent the animals and the chore. So maybe.. it would be an idea to talk over with your fiance a LIST of reasonable chores for the boys (going by their age) and a reasonable reward (allowance) for those chores done. My kids get paid every week, but if they have NOT done their assigned chores, or only some of them they only get paid for what they did.
Also, I do think it needs to be discussed how HE can tell your boys what to do if you can't ask HIS daughter to do things. It makes no sense. It DOES make sense that HE as a step-dad to the boys will help raise them, but SHE would be your step too - and while she is 17... she will still be staying 4 days a week at YOUR (and his) house.
All these things need to be sorted BEFORE you tie the knot.
Maybe you can talk to your pastor about a pre-marriage counseling? Even if you both have been married before doesn't mean it can't help have a neutral 3rd person to talk things over with.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 July 2016):
 It does sound like your boys are getting the raw end of the deal here. Here are some possible things to consider:
1) Your boys live their full time. I do believe that they should have some chores. I know my dad made me work a lot and I wound up resenting it. However, I do think it instills a good work ethic and so long as it isn't excessive or doesn't go without rewards, I think it can be beneficial. Does your fiancee reward the boys? Do they realize that owning animals requires work and that is part of the "joy" of owning them?
2) His daughter lives there full time. I can certainly understand her having some chores. However, if every time she comes over she is going to get hammered with chores, she isn't going to want to come over.
Part of the challenges of blended families is dealing with issues like these and "fairness". To be honest, nothing is ever 100% fair but if you feel that their work load is unreasonable then it may be time to speak up and just say that you are concerned that your boys may resent him.
You are always going to have conflicts with a blended family and dealing with the issues upfront rather than pretending there isn't a problem will lead to problems. You certainly don't want your boys to hate their new stepfather but at the same time he may be the only father figure in their lives.
If your fiancee fails to see that potentially he may be causing more harm then good, I think it should give you pause about whether to make this situation permanent. You could be causing long-term damage to your children. You may also want to consider seeing a therapist -- even just briefly to address your fear of bringing up troubling issues.
You may not "win" the argument, but hopefully he'll see your point of view.
Eddie
...............................
|
