A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey aunts!I need advice So I have an ex boyfriend who broke my heart. The relationship was amazing but due to him losing his job, he had to move right away. He said he didn't want to lose me and how he would always want to be with me but we didn't want to do the distance. We didn't even say goodbye, I was working two jobs and I was in school so we broke up over the phone. It was my 1st heartbreak, we talked a little after he moved but I couldn't get over him by talking to him everyday. So we didn't talk for 8 months. I decided to reach out to him on Facebook because it was his birthday. During me reaching out I was dating a nice guy, we was official yet but I enjoyed him. When my ex accepted my friend request, I seen that he just got into a relationship. I did feel sad about it but, hey its life. Before I could tell him happy birthday he messaged me saying he hopes I'm ok and he misses me. We had small talk, I wished him happy birthday and that was it. Over the past couple of months, he messaged me with small talk about how it's different from back home ( I'm in another state, he moved to New York ) and that he misses me. At this time the guy I was dating, we became official and the relationship was lovely. I did pull away from my ex, I mean I do miss him but I had a boyfriend. My ex found out and he unfollowed me on Facebook and I did the same to him. 1 day my ex started sending me messages saying he wants me in a way he shouldn't, I told him to never send me anything like that because we both are in relationships and that's not right. We didn't talk for 3 months. Until 1 day he started liking all my pictures and uploading inside jokes that we use to say. I messaged him saying, we can chat here and there's no hard feelings. After that, he started messaging me like he use too but nothing inappropriate. He did say he misses us and breaking up was hard. I didn't respond back to him. I'm going to New York in a few weeks to visit my family. My ex told me he really wants to see and talk to me. I seriously don't know if I should. I really want to see him but I think it's going to open up old scars. He still has his girlfriend and I broke up with my boyfriend, but he doesn't know that. We don't talk about our new relationships. Should I ignore him when I go to New York or should I talk to him? Have any of you aunts ever went through this? If so, what happened ?
View related questions:
broke up, facebook, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2016): I don't think you need to meet-up with him; because I think you still have feelings for him. He is in a relationship; and you will create complications, accidentally on purpose. Inadvertent sabotage on his relationship, pretending it all to be innocent. You know it would make his present girlfriend uneasy to see you. Women see through each other, and she will know you still have it for him.
Your presence poses a threat to his relationship. She will see it, even if neither of you admit it. Show her that much respect. He's not your boyfriend anymore, he's still hers.
You broke up with your boyfriend, mainly because your ex has basically remained in the background all along.
Wait until you receive the news he has broken up with his girlfriend, and had a few months to get-over her. If you just broke-up with your boyfriend, you still need time. The rebound emotions may make you do and say things that might be inappropriate while he's still with his girlfriend. You're already cheating in your mind. It's only human. You're still getting over him. Even more reason to stay away from him.
A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (2 July 2016):
He isn't single. I'll say that again. He isn't single.
Look how hes treating his girlfriend with these miss you etc messages. How disrespectful. Hes clear with his feelings towards you, this isn't him just catching up any more than it would be for you.
The question here is, honestly where do you think this will lead? You're fresh out of a relationship so vulnerable to being very hurt and getting attached quickly to him.
You could always say you don't think meeting up is good as it may open up old wounds, or even say sure bring your girlfriend too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 July 2016):
 If he is willing to take his gf along sure-catch up ,say Hi. But if he's not, then well, you have your answer.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 July 2016):
 Should you talk to him about what ? His new girlfriend and how fun it is romancing and putting the moves on other girls , - say , a torch- carrying ex - behind her back ?
Let it go. Exes are exes for a reason , in general. And you are right, you are voluntarily going to open up old scars if you meet him, and all for what ? He stays in New York, you go back home. He still has his gf, and you... get stuck on someone who is taken, and start hanging by his random texts and hoping for some crumbs of attention.
Lousy deal, if you ask me.
...............................
A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (2 July 2016):
 Call me crazy but I am sensing unresolved issues here on both sides. That would tend to argue against you meeting up but I suspect you will end up doing that in any case. I think you know what you want to do but your seeking validation on here for a choice already made. So, I am not going to committ either way. What I would do is warn you - because neither of you have resolved these issues I can see this situation becoming extremly complicated and messy and please please, dont fall into the trap of getting involved in any infidelity because that is just going to make things so difficult and hard for both of you. I am saying that because my sense is that you both still have strong feelings for each other not because I think either of you necessarily would, but that those feelings are so strong they could easily run out of control. If you are going to meet up just keep it to talking. Its possible that out of this could grow a nice friendship, if both of you can sort through your unresolved feelings. You are worried about old scars and I understand that but I dont see them healing without you getting closure and this talk may help - I would say follow and trust your heart, not your scars on this one. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 July 2016):
 The common sense answer would be to not visit him and, like Honeypie said, just tell him you're too busy with family. On this one, I'd go with common sense and not how you're understandably wanting to go.
If he wouldn't tell his girlfriend, it might as well be cheating because she wouldn't be okay with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (2 July 2016):
 In my belief, an ex is an ex for a reason and you should keep it at that. No good ever comes out of scratching old wounds and you'll just be hurting yourself all over again.
He has a girlfriend and it'll still be long-distance so exactly start do you plan to accomplish by meeting him?
At best it'll be a cup of coffee and then you'll each go your way with the occasional Facebook flirting, at its worst it'll be sex which you'll most certainly end up regretting, because he'll go back to his life and his girlfriend and you'll be in a terrible spot, wondering what you've gotten yourself into.
Just tell him you're busy while you're at New York and busy yourself with family and friends. Also, Facebook invariably does more harm than good so try to stay away from it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 July 2016):
 I wouldn't met up, because I think it would be harder on you than him. He already tried to cross the line with you once, and I think he might again if you met in person, mostly because he thinks there are still feelings from your end.
And the second reason? I don't think he'd tell his GF and I don't think if he did his GF would be very keen on the idea. I certainly wouldn't want to be some "dirty secret meeting" (even if all you do is drink coffee and chat).
I think you have to ask yourself- WHAT do you hope to accomplish by meeting up? Is there really ANY good reason to do so?
As to your question:
"Should I ignore him when I go to New York or should I talk to him?"
You can ALWAYS tell him you won't have time to met up as you are there to see family.
...............................
|
