A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy two weeks ago and he came up to me and introduced himself. We talked on facebook for a day and he asked me for my number, he ended up calling me and we talked on the phone for three hours. He texted me everyday first and every night he would call me and we would talk for 2-3 hours. I was sick and he texted me saying, check your front door and found that he left me soup, icecream, and a card. We saw each other in person a week later. He was such a gentleman, opening car doors for me, giving me his jacket etc. We saw a movie, ate a great dinner with few drinks and we just kissed and held hands. He said he wants to take things slow so no sex. He was set on taking things slow because he did not want to rush into a relationship. We got into a tiny argument about something stupid but he called me saying he wants to give it a shot. We saw each other again two days later which was yesterday and we had dinner and we sat in his car talking for 2 hours about everything and before i went home he gave me a kiss. Then today, he texted me saying how he is not ready for a relationship and how he does not want to lead me on. He said I am not the one and he did not feel the chemistry. ummm what? we were fine yesterday, I told him im going to go in my house and he said no stay for few more minutes. so what is he talking about? How can a person determine if he or she is the one in a span of two dates? is that even possible? And he was telling me how his jacket has my scent on it and how he likes it. Obviously he did lead me on saying all these things to me. Ive had relationships where chemistry developed after 4-5 dates so isnt two dates too soon to decide? I really started getting feelings for him so i am wondering if i should move on or reach out.
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female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86  +, writes (8 January 2014):
"He said I am not the one and he did not feel the chemistry."
Bit strong to say that really.
I think you can tell yes, with my ex it was the second date the chemistry started. Don't worry it isn't anyone's fault there wasn't any chemistry. Like people have said he realised he wasn't going to get a lay easily.
"Ive had relationships where chemistry developed after 4-5 dates"
Hmmm, I believe it should of come before that, if you are like me you may have carried on hoping something was going to happen and convinced yourself.
When there is chemistry you WILL know :)
A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (8 January 2014):
 This guy is really waving a red flag. You barely even reached the peak of dating and he is already on and off with you. There is something really wrong with him.
I would say and I know it is not easy but this guy could be a future heart ache for you. Please do not settle for anything less. Date guys who are consistent that they like you, not this kind of person. It's too early and he is already playing mind games with you.
You have other more important things to do than waste your time with him. If you really need to speak to him. Tell him frankly that you do not tolerate this kind of games and if he thinks you are not the one..then good riddance. There are are a lot of men in the world.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 January 2014):
 I don't think meeting up will do anything for you. Other then him either being a no-show, rude or as vague as she was when he ended it.
I can understand it hurts to be "dumped" before you barely got started, but isn't it better it happened now then 6 months or 12 months from now?
Let it go, stop wasting any more time on him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2014):
 What went wrong was you didn't put out for him. Of course guys will say things that indicate they are planning a relationship if they think it will get a woman to let down her guard (and her panties).
YOU did nothing wrong.. this is not about you at all. In fact it's NOT personal.
Get a copy of the book "A Fine Romance" by Judith Sills. It will explain it very well and was my dating bible after my first divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes i know i should move on,but i cant help but wonder, what went wrong. i was very skeptical about him at first and told him many times and he was the one who convinced me that we have to take risks in life and how he likes me acutally alot. He was planning future dates, saying how we should run half a marathon, how i should come meet his dog etc. i had my guards up and the minute i put it down, two days later he low blow hits me...should i ask to meet him in person to straighten things out. i have anger in me its hard to just forget about it like everyone claims i should
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2014):
you said "we sat in the car talking for two hours"
and " He offered to come to my house at 10pm sunday to see me."
he wanted to get laid and when he realized it was not going to happen without a relationship he went POOF.... NBD...
NEXT!
and yes OP I usually would give a new person THREE DATES to see if I felt something... there is no way to know if they are the ONE after one two or three dates but you sure can know if there is no chemistry....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): OP in response to your follow ups, remember dating is the process of getting to know each other. There is no set time frame for which you may find out that one thing that makes you say no to someone.
I've dated women who seemed perfect the first date until the next when they started talking about jesus like he was a real person and a friend of theirs. Yeah, no thanks. I've also decided against women because when I met them they had a moustache that I hadn't noticed when I drunkenly got their number. Sure I may sound like an asshole for not being "tolerant" of those things but it's my choice who I date I set my own conditions.
OP any one thing can turn you off someone and you know it. I'm sure if you got even a hint a guy was racist on the first date, you'd use the chemistry line too.
You want my advice? Don't see him anymore and delete him off Facebook. He has clearly stated to you that he doesn't want a relationship, and OP, when a guy says that he means he doesn't want one with you. The fact that he called the whole thing off already is concrete proof of that. Don't play any games with this guy, OP and don't let him play them with you.
Say no to him coming over Sunday. I mean seriously 10pm? I wonder what he has planned haha.
If you ask me this guy is a deal breaker. You haven't even started seeing each other and already he's on/off. That's hilarious to me, on/off seeing each other, that must be a first. "yeah I was seeing him for two dates then we called it a day, but he decided to give it another shot, but then he called it a day again."
He had his shot, OP, you don't need this kind of headache. If he calls again, suggests meeting up then I suggest you tell you've realised that you don't have any chemistry with guys who are flaky and tell me up front there is no chance of a future for us because he doesn't want a relationship with me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): Yeah you can tell.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 January 2014):
 Two dates are not enough to say if you are the one, but I think they are enough to say that you are NOT the one. At least at the level of physical chemistry , which is hard to predict, hard to explain,hard to define. He might have felt that , although surely he found you attractive, personable etc.etc. otherwise he would not have bothered asking you out a second time, - still there's not that pizazz, that excitement, that wow factor to make him want to pursue you. It's like he WANTED to like you because on paper you are just the right person- only you don't feel like the right person after all.
I don't think it's overly strange, -it happens a lot,- and this time, alas, it happened to you.
Sure, he waxed a bit too lyrical so his change of heart may feel too abrupt to you, but I don't think he was leading you on intentionally. He just thought , and wished, you could match well, and then realized that he likes you, but not enough.
I am tempted to say that a factor in his cooling off might have been the disagreement you mention- yes, you say it was nothing important and was settled pretty fast, but frankly already having your first argument in the span of two dates is something that would make most people wonder , and cool their jets.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (8 January 2014):
 i'm one of those people like him. i can tell if there is chemistry immediately, right upon first meeting someone. so i definitely see where he's coming from.
so to answer your ultimate question, no, you don't have to go out with someone for a longer period of time to know they aren't the right one for you. some people can tell right off the bat. be thankful that he was blatantly honest up front, rather than leading you on and giving you the impression you two were going to be more. this way, you weren't too invested and call still walk away unscathed.
i'm sorry about this happening. best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 January 2014):
The point is that it is ended as he has ended it. He was honest and upfront about his developing feelings for you. I am sure he meant that his feelings for you just weren't where he expect it to be. It's not something you should take personal. It just didn't work out, and I am sure you will feel the same way for many other guys as well.
Get over it and move on, it's not worth wasting your time to analyse this simple situation.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 January 2014):
Move on.
I think it has less to do with chemistry and more to do with him realizing he didn't want to be in a relationship. And if a person isn't sure they WANT a relationship it is better to walk away then go further and fall harder and THEN find out.
His loss, honey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): Here's a piece of advice.
Chemistry starts like a spark. So it can be instantaneous.
It can also be very tricky. That's the part you have watch out for. It can come and go; then spontaneously start up again. That's called a delayed reaction.
It can be positive, or negative. Depending on the results you're looking for.
In your case; the young man was covering his ass. He took the romancing part of it too far. He was trying too hard not to look like a tool or a jerk. Most guys are judged on the first date, and go out of their way to impress.
People meet each other eager to make a connection, and weary of searching; usually for a very long time.
So there is a healthy amount of wishful-thinking at play. You hope you'll feel "love at first sight." That doesn't really happen. You're sexually attracted at first sight; love develops over time.
A guy is supposed to be polite, offer you has jacket, and open doors for you. It's being a gentlemen. It comes easy when you're with a very nice lady. However; that initial spark doesn't have to ignite a flame. Just a spark. It might take time to get things going; but you know straightaway if it's worth the effort.
He can't and shouldn't take back the nice things he said, or did as a gentlemen. He treated you exactly the way you deserved to be treated. If you start falling so soon; don't blame him for that.
He is analyzing and running a lot of things through his mind, after each date. During this process, the spark could fizzle, and may fade for him.
God forbid, he should leave you hanging. It's best to end it abruptly; if you're not on the same page. Mainly because women can attach feelings very quickly.
Men do get caught up in the moment. Good conversation, a few drinks, you look lovely, and pleasant surroundings will create a sense of euphoria. Often mistaken for love.
He is inspired to say wonderful things. When he comes back down to earth, he only begins to realize that he may have taken things a tad too far. So he makes a cowardly and abrupt exit. Usually in a panic. He didn't mean to get too far ahead of things. He knows he can't stop the train; once it's at full speed. His explanation and excuses are lame.
All he wants to do is to flee, and avoid any drama.
Keep this in mind, in the future.
If you want that spark to ignite a flame; reserve your feelings until you can actually feel the heat.
A couple of good dates, and a few nice words are nothing. It means you had a lovely time together. Nothing more than that.
It is better to be disappointed and dumped after a couple of great dates; then months into a failing relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe was the one that said, i like you, actually alot. He offered to come to my house at 10pm sunday to see me. ugh i really wanna kick him real bad lol
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 January 2014):
 Yes, it's possible to determine there is no chemistry within minutes but this guy has been acting strange. He was behaving like a boyfriend, then pulling away. He said there is no chemistry but liked your scent. If he's so unstable and keeps on contradicting himself, you can expect him to talk to you again. Usually what do people do after saying there is no chemistry? They get lost and leave you alone, right? Some of them would be nice enough to say at least they want to be friends but there won't be more mixed signals. He doesn't want you gone, but he won't be able to give you the real thing. As long as you stay with him there will be this yo yo effect and stupid mind games. Cut your losses. Not exactly. There is nothing to lose expect a nut job here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer. Like you claim, 5 minutes is enough to decide if we have chemistry or not, he wanted to see me again in two days. Doesnt that mean he thought we had chemistry since he pursed me again for another date?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 January 2014):
 You can know you have chemistry or the potential for it or not within 5 minutes. But starting out and saying "the one" after two dates? Whoa there! So no 2 dates isn't too soon for chemistry, but it's far too soon to ever even think about "the one" or not, sounds completely insane. You should cut your losses on this guy.
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