A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Help needed!!My boyfriend of 6 months ls all for equality to the point that it makes me miserable. Before anyone says that I probably like when guys pay for me, let me give you a little background. We both young professionals , I am 5 years after college, heis 8. We both have good jobs, though he makes a bit more, but at our level is not significant. We both don't have any school loans thanks to our parents, and both have mortgages. I have a small one bedroom appartment, and he has a nice big condo. When we just started dating he told me about his previous bad experiences with women he dated, that they basically used him for his money. But the thing is, he is not a rich boy. Though he makes not bad money, but it's nothing to feed of. I don't know where he even met these women who as he said would go out with him because they wanted free dinner. He met some very starving women who would just spend a night with a guy for food, lol. I paid my own share from day one. First it started with just splitting a check at restaurants, but then I stoped doing that. He is a big man, he likes steaks, and drinks. I am vegeterian, ussualy I just have a sald, and I can have a glass of wine if that. I told him after third time, that i won't be splitting checks with him anymore but will just pay my share because of it. He said, of course, it's only fair. Presents. He gave me a ridiculous 25$ gift for my birthday, consisting of 6 candies Godiva chocolate, and a hideous pink top with rine stones, which iwill never wear even to GYM. When I showed it to my mom, we both started laughing histerically. A month before that I gave him $100 colone for his birthday. He said he wants to take me out for my birthday, I was happy. Because of my eating preferences, he did research on line and picked an Indian restaurant. When he told me the name I knew exactly which restaurant is that. It was more of a diner than something nice. There was not a dish there more than 12$. I told him that, saying that I would really like to go somewhere nicer than that place. He said, that I can't really choose, because he is paying. I said, I would rather pay but I want to go somewhere nice. So, we picked another place, he paid the whole thing, may be he was in good mood that night. Now, we are going on vacation to this winter resort, so we paid of course half for everything, airtickets, hotels and car. Yesterday he told me why don't we just put a certain amount of money in one pot, and then he ll just pay for everything like food, attractions and so on. I reminded him about how much he drinks, he can literally have 8 beers a night, and howi hardly ever do that. Ialso reminded him that he eats like 4 of me, which is kindof not fair for me to participate 50/50 on this. Also, he wants to ski intensely, but I am not that good of a skier. Why should I pay for his lifts ifi am not even participating. He became very gloomy, and said that I am always so presise when it comes to bills. I said, I AM presise? I wouldn't be so presise if you didn't want to always split everything like that. And frankly, I said, by making me split food and drinks with you, makes me think that you simply are taking advantage of me, knowing that I can't even come close to 50% of what you ussualy order. He started saying again about all these women that he paid for, and how they were taking advantage of him, and how he swore long time ago that it won't happen again. I asked him then what if my financial situation was different, what if I was making enough to only make ends meet? What if I actually needed help from him, or I couldn't afford fancy restaurants that he frequents so much, what would happen then? Would he just not go because I can't afford it, or he would go without me.What if I couldn't afford this vacation? Would he just go by himself? He started thinking and didn't answer anything for awhile, and then he said that then it would be different, because he would know ahead of time that my finances are very limited, but it's not the case, isn't it. After he said that, I just left and went home. At this point I don't even want this vacation anymore. This conversation was very unpleasant, and now evaluating the whole thing I am asking myself if he is a guy for me. Frankly I am pretty much fed up with this endless equality topic, non stopping splitting of bills, talks about all these money hungry women in his past. What do you guys and girls think? I am on a verge of just cancelling this vacation. Of course I will loose some money, but may be I am better of without this splitting everythin guy? Or may be I am wrong?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Stephanie1901 +, writes (18 December 2013):
I would cancel this vacation and tell your boyfriend WHY. Maybe he will change his ways but if history is any indicator of the future, sorry he probably will not. I'm divorced and in my 40's and I run into this type of man all the time. "My ex used me for money" is still a common theme for men in my age range and older. It's preposterous to believe that ALL of these men have been take advantage of. I always offer to split a check for dinner whether it's a friend or date. It's not a big deal to me if the other person ordered something more expensive although I do see your point if he does often why should you fund his meals.Someone brought up a valid point that if you end up marrying this man and share a household and have kids it would be difficult on you. Think about that.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): I just went on a date with a guy who picked a restaurant and when it was time to pay, he asks him how we are going to pay. I answered, with money, lol. He wanted to split the bill. Restaurant was expensive. He,like your boyfriend had 3 12$ drinks, and 34$steak. I had 12$ calamari and 1 glass of wine for $8. His share was with tip and tax $90 and mine was 25$. When he offered to split the bill, I desided to have some fun and amuse myself, knowing it would be my last date with him. I said, so you just want me to split check in half with you? Sure, he says.so, I go on, you don't even realize that your part of the check is like 85% of total? O, yeah, he says, I didn't even look at the check. I said, why don't you look at the check, or may be I should ask a waitress to bring us separate checks? Now he was starting to get a point. He asked me, so, do you want me to pay the whole thing? I said, o, nooo! I deffinitely don't want you to pay the whole thing, I just don't feel like paying for your steaks and drinks, I just met you , you kow. I put 25$ on a table, excused myself and took a taxi home. I know that some men are so for equality that they forget that equality doesn't mean we are the same. Let's just not take a man and a woman issue, and just assume 2 friends went out. One is a big man who eats and drinks as a big man would. The other is a petite and slender girl who eats like one. If no one takes advantage of anyone here, and a good friend, an obvious discrepancy would be noticed, and of course a big man would say to a smal woman: I can't let you pay half as I ordered the most. Then he would say one of two things. Either he pays for the whole thing, or She pays only her portion. This is what a good friend would do. A friend who wants to take advantage of the situation would split check in half, knowing that heis the one who is taking a free ride. And this is what your boyfriend does. He knows you already have this exact arrangement based on his eating and drinking preferences. He knows how expensive those ski lifts are and he know for sure he will be using it much more than you. He knows exactly what he is doing by offering you to split it. It means that you will be paying for his part of vacation. And then he has nerves to tell you tha you are presise???? He is a joke, drop him, and don't go on this vacation.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): The way that you describe him, he comes across as greedy - wants to drink and eat - and take from you in terms of a partner's share or contribution - well above average amounts AND also as someone whose greed extends to the them wanting to get a bargain deal out of everything. He is a taker, pure and simple.I've known very wealthy man who also behave like this, but have never been in a close relationship with them, thank goodness. One was a young man from an extremely wealthy family - multiple homes, inherited wealth etc - but they would refuse to do ordinary things like give nice presents for Xmas, only buying one another necessities like batteries, coat-hangers and light bulbs - and he would do absolutely everything that he could to save money. As a friend, I found that he began to devalue me very badly - he would do things like buy me half, yes, half, of a present for my birthday and then later claim "Oh, I bought you so and so for your birthday' ...so god only knows how he made a girlfriend feel. Another man was my boss who was a millionaire, but had started out with nothing, and became impossible to work for because he literally would not pay anyone. My job became a nightmare because no matter what I did to work well with our contractors, I ended up not being able to logistically carry out contracts because they would end up refusing to work because he wouldn't pay them. I was, however, married to a man who absolutely refused to work and would not 'give' anything, and who made me feel incredibly bad about myself if I expressed any desire to want anything more than a life on the dole. Really, I was so young and naive that I believed that we should be able to be happy living with nothing. This was his way of dominating me, but it happens in different ways.With you, your boyfriend he is getting a bargain deal. And he has a compulsion to feel that he is getting this. Men sometimes are compelled to feel that they are getting a bargain out of a woman and it is a horrible form of misogyny that doesn't only happen directly in relation to money, it can happen indirectly and revolves around their ego - it's like the male boss wanting a secretary with a masters degree, when in fact a ten year old could do the work - he needs to boost his ego by feeling that he is getting ,more out of the woman - and devaluing her hard earned qualifications in the meantime - than he is ever going to give back. Such a man will tell you that they've had awful experiences in the past, whether this is true or not, because it's a very effective way of manipulating you. You are being treated like bargain basement goods by this guy because he has this compulsion to feel that he has the upper hand/one over on you and that he is consistently getting a bargain. He will never value you in any higher way and will make you feel bad if you try to raise your value. This is a form of misogyny - treat the female like low value goods until you dominate her psyche and she can't escape. GET OUT NOW!!!!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): I'm in college and I would be offended if my boyfriend took me to a cheap restaurant for my birthday, then said well I don't get to choose because he's paying. That's absurd! Many of my friends & I wait tables and we go to nice places for birthdays and Valentine's Day. I'm not talking outrageously expensive, just somewhere with a classy ambiance that we can wear heels to. Perhaps around $30-50 per person (multiple courses) and he always treats. I agree with many aunties here, and I would dump your boyfriend if he were mine. Like you said, he's 31 and makes 6 figures. He's very stingy. Imagine if the two of you were married!
On the topic of "it's the thought that matters," I have to say that your boyfriend didn't put any thought into your gift. It's very childish and I too would not be happy with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 December 2013):
 I concur... there were not that many "gold diggers" in the past and this guy is just skinflint tight with his money
he's not generous with his money or his spirit.
take the loss and run now.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): He makes close to six figures? Maybe women did take advantage of him, but six months into the relationship I would assume that he'd lighten up and would like to pay for you...or at least treat you to things with "wow" factors.
And for him to get gloomy because you're so precise is hypocritical - which is fine if he'd admit it and then change his approach on the 50/50 split.
It seems like he's stringing you along.
Leeeeaaaave him, please.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 December 2013):
 Get out now. At worst it will cost you a bit of money for the cancelled trip, but it's a small price to pay for the greater headache you're saving yourself later.
He undoubtedly has many good qualities, but the bad one is bad enough. There is no good reason for you to suffer.
In case you're having doubts...picture yourself years from now with a couple of very young children and your income is even less what it is now because you're a stay at home mum. It would be even harder for you to leave then.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): This OP. thanks to all for your answers. Just to clarify some points. He makes close to 6 figures. He hates debts, and has none, at least that's what he told me. The fact that I needed to tell him an obvious fact that layed ona surface about me only ordering 20% of what he does is annoying itself. Didn't he see it, a man who calculates everything. Maleanon, a grown 31 years old man who has a good salary should know better of not giving his girlfriend for her birthday cheap shirt and a tiny box of chocolates for 25$. It deserved a good laugh. I didn't expect him to spend on me exactly same as I spent on him, but I deffinitely didn't expect a present like a high school boy would give. If it was not for his behavour not expensive restaurant wouldn't upset me, but I think I was kindof anticipated it, that's why was the reaction.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 December 2013):
 You know he is pulling the "I had an ex who did this" card - so that YOU will try and PLEASE him by NOT doing (whatever it is, in this case take him for his money). It's SIMPLE manipulation.
I dated a guy who told me his ex gf hated condoms and that he now couldn't wear one.... guess what I told him?.. no condom, no sex. I had the same guy actually, tell me how awful a cook & housekeeper his ex was in hope that I would SHOW him my cooking skills and be his maid. Needless to say this relationship didn't last. My husband (when we were still dating) mentioned his ex-wife being sucky at something or other, once and I told him flat out, I don't want to be compared to her. I'm NOT her. I have NO NEED to prove to you that I'm better. Because I'm not, I'm just a TOTALLY different person, so shove it with the ex. I remember after our first was born he tried to pull the" my ex-wife always changed all the diapers" and I told him, tough for her, now change your daughter's diaper.
I honestly, don't get it. I do NOT think a guy should pay 100% of everything every time, but if he expect me to go 50/50 and his "part" of the bill is actually more like 80% - then I would be annoyed, because then he is DOING EXACTLY what he is whining about other women doing to him in the past. But with that said, I have NEVER dated a guy (even the douche bag I mentioned earlier) who didn't treat me and who I didn't treat either. I have NEVER played the tit for tat and splitting the bill crap. I have OFFERED to go Dutch, but I have honestly never had a guy say yes.
""Sorry buddy, not MY fault you didn't know how to say no to SOME women in your past, but I'm NOT your EX and FRANKLY I'm sick and tired of you pulling the "my ex did this" card in order to try and CONTROL or manipulate me.""
THAT is what I would tell him.
Honestly he won't change. He has found something that he BELIEVES in. YOU (in his eyes) are WRONG and thus he won't change.
Sorry, I couldn't be with a guy who was so petty & cheap.
Now the presents, when you DATE someone SET A limit on the presents. THAT way you don't feel "cheated" when he spends a fraction of what you spend. Though the whole, It's the thought that counts? Kind of pops into my heard. Presents shouldn't be tit for tat. And you should NEVER give a present with the EXPECTATION that you get something of the same value in return UNLESS - you have SET a spending amount.
The whole birthday dinner thing... I DO think he tried to do the right thing by picking a restaurant that CATERS to the food you normally like and OBVIOUSLY he isn't a guy who is USED to treating a GF. You could still have had a lovely dinner at a cheap place as well as a expensive one. We went (with the kids) to Golden Coral for out anniversary, definitely NOT fancy, but EVERYONE enjoyed the time out and the food.
I don't see you two being compatible in this area and since it seems to be the MAIN focus of all the grievance between you two, maybe call it quits before this blows up in your face?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): What a pathetic and petty little man. He'd probably choke on the very words "give" or "generosity."You know, if he had qualities to compensate for the lack of generosity toward his mate; I'd say he had redeeming character. Then you have to think. There is nothing you wouldn't want to give or do for the person most important to you. You'd give your last dime and think nothing of it.This season must give the poor guy the hives. He doesn't have the capacity to think beyond his personal comfort.His wallet is either growing moss, or has a combination lock on it. There must be fungus growing in his stale cash.Step back when he opens it, you might inhale the spores!No one has ever taken advantage of this guy.He is stingy! Shamelessly so!There is no other explanation for it. Nothing is more irritating than a penny-pincher. Especially when they spare no expense on themselves. He treats you like a freeloader.I can't figure out how you've put up with it so long? This dude is not a keeper. Stinginess is deal-breaker.Your relationship to this guy has run far past a reasonable expiration date. Seriously!? Do you see another six months with this cheap-skate? I'm visualizing the pink top with rhinestones, and got a chuckle out of that myself.Re-gift it as pair of boxer shorts. Sew up the sleeves, split the bottom up the middle, and add elastic around the collar section for the waistband. He should appreciate your frugality. LOL... until my sides hurt!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (16 December 2013):
 If he was previously used, when it was he who picked those users, not you! However his nitpicking also makes you want to nitpick like him, thus sets the tone of your relationship; it’s what I call – CALCULATING.
Be that it early days and one hideous pink top with rhinestones later :) I would expect a bit of monetary spending caution on both sides, but not this unromantic overtone of events…
If you wish to spend $100.00 on his birthday present, then so be it! If he says, you can’t really choose and that Indian Restaurant does serve vegetarian, then I guess he’s either a very lousy romantic and or a stingy arse-hole, which already is unromantic to begin with. As I would have thought the Birthday person could suggest a Restaurant ‘befitting his budget’ as a reasonable request.
Unfortunately this relationship has started on the shoreline of money issues, so before it hits the rocks, you spell it out to him how you wish to be treated if he’s a keeper. In fairness, if he has legitimate fears of being used and you’ve shown him that you are not using him, then he ought to get it through his head to treat/spoil you (within reason) when the occasion of a birthday or holiday comes up.
For me, I would be happy to contribute half the fares etc. myself at this stage, although I wouldn’t subscribe to his 50/50, splitting bills on holiday… That’s not my sort of holiday romance and it purely suggests he didn’t think before suggesting such a notion, or he’s just plain old stingy and or hasn’t learnt or been taught how to spend... I believe a gentleman would pay for the food and entertainment portion anyway and I would naturally reciprocate my appreciation along the way!?
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (16 December 2013):
 Your boyfriend of six months is the financial abuser, expecting you to subsidise his big steaks and many beers diet.
Your relationship IS only six months old, can you imagine this situation going on for a further six months, or even six years ........ ergh! Maybe it is time to cancel the vacation and the relationship as well.
There are women who will use men for what they can get, meals, clothes, jewellery, holidays ...... but there are also men who will do the same, and I think your boyfriend falls in that category.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): I'm going to disagree with the other aunts.I think you come across as quite entitled and wanting things your way. Initially you agree to a 50/50 split. Then after only three dates you tell him that he eats and drinks more than you so you'll only pay your share. He agrees that this is fairer than splitting 50/50.The thing with the presents is a bit awkward. I was always taught that it's better to give than to receive. Instead you're comparing how much he's spent compared to you and then laughing at him behind his back. You have no idea what his financial situation is and how much spare cash he's got. Perhaps that's all he had spare and he spent it on you. He finds a place that suits your tastes for a meal and you tell him that it's not fancy enough. I would get annoyed if I'd researched and booked somewhere for my gf's birthday, only to be told that it's not good enough.The way that you write about the vacation makes it sound like everything was going to be 50/50. You then tell him that some things you want to pay less because you eat/drink/ski less than him. I can see why he would get gloomy and criticise you for being so precise. It doesn't sound like you're very compatible or perhaps you're too compatible. He is afraid of being taken advantage of and you come across very similar. At six months you still getting to know each other. You don't know what his financial situation is. He may have a great condo, but how much is his rent? Does he really earn more than you? Are you sure that he doesn't have any debts/loans? Perhaps he is trying to portray himself as more successful than he is. It would be a good idea to ask yourself the same questions that you asked him during your last argument
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (16 December 2013):
 you are with a very cheap and stingy man. i don't even believe that he was with money hungry women in the past. i just think he was with NORMAL women and he's so cheap that he interpreted them to be money hungry.
my gf and i take turns paying for the most part. however, i make more than she does, so i usually pay more often. i know that she doesn't make a whole lot at the moment, so i don't mind it at all. i love her and i like paying for her. it makes me feel good to take care of her when i can. and the times when her money situation is good, she will pay for me. it's a nice give and take and it makes sense with our financial situation.
if i'm the one that asked her to go on a dinner date with me, i will pay. if she asked me, she will pay. and one of us always picks up the tab - we never split the check in half.
granted, i'm gay so two women may do things completely different than a man and a woman. but for the most part, i believe the way we do things is relatively normal for couples, as a whole, regardless of sexual orientation. i pay the majority of the time and she pays when she can. we are both happy and feel content.
if i were you, i'd find this guys behavior with money to be a huge put off. if he's already this stingy with you, just imagine how bad it would be if you shared your money in a joint account! the lectures you'd get about needing to buy tooth paste or god forbid, a new pair of shoes, would be horrendous.
clearly he just likes to penny pinch and doesn't like to share his finances on anyone but himself. he's stingy and cheap. if this is a problem for you, which it would be for me, as well (and most people i know as a whole), i'd leave the relationship. there seems to be a fundamental incompatibility there between you two that will only make you more and more resentful over time.
just because he's been "used for his money" in the past doesn't mean he can't take you out on a proper date anymore. i mean, it was YOUR birthday, after all. and he insisted on going to a cheap restaurant?! and when you expressed wanting to go somewhere else, he said no?? hahaha.
i'd dump him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): While a relationship is about equal contribution and I'm all for saving money, this guy is seriously too cheap. If he is that tight on cash, he should not be in a relationship. He should focus on work, furthering his education, and getting a better job. "He started saying again about all these women that he paid for, and how they were taking advantage of him, and how he swore long time ago that it won't happen again." I wonder how much of the above statement is true. Women do take advantage of men and their money, but so do men (maybe less frequently). I don't want to be materialistic, but a $25 gift card and other small things is not very impressive unless you are in high school. You chose to get him expensive cologne, so you can't really hold him to it. However, him choosing a cheap restaurant for your birthday and then later saying it is his CHOICE where you eat because he's paying? Well, excuse me! My own friend, who makes $12 an hour, will let me choose where I eat for my birthday and he is a college student. I've had him pay for a three course fondue dinner and a very high class Italian meal. And he never complained, though we do joke about my fancy taste - but he's also enjoying himself when we eat. It just so happens when I treat him to a birthday dinner, he himself picks a cheap, very affordable place. Rather than cancel the vacation, dump the guy. Find someone else who will be more fair and considerate. A guy does not need to pamper his girlfriend, but he should at least be courteous and thoughtful of what he gets for her and pays for her.Honestly, he's the one trying to take advantage of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): This guy's attitute toward money does seem a bit skewed. I think he may be a bit frugal, but nothing really wrong with that in itself. However, he also comes across as a bit entitled, and does seem to be using you for money while going out. All the while he blames his attitude on others that supposedly took advantage of him in the past so guess it is ok now for him to do it to you? You say he has a big apartment, but does not make a super high salary. Maybe his lifestyle is a bit out-of-whack with his finances, and he is at a point where he cannot really afford to take you out, go on vacation, etc; but wants to keep up appearances of having a more expensive lifestyle. He may have debts that you are not aware of. It also sounds like he may also be trying to get you to subsidize the lifestyle he wants but cannot really afford by trying to get you to split bills that end up in his favor. That is underhanded and miserly. You are right not to put up with that. I think you are doing the right thing by keeping all monies and bills separate. Don't co-mingle any of your money, do not give him a loan, or take anything from him (it would cause much resentment). Enjoy your trip and have fun, but don't poole your money together. Just pay for what you want to do, and he can pay his way. Continue to get separate checks when dining out as well. If he continues to pressure you about putting your money with his for insert reason, I would consider seeing him much less often.
...............................
|
