A
female
age
30-35,
*_Mae93
writes:I started dating this guy a month ago everything was going great, we had a few problems but we got through them. My mom added him on Facebook and things was good until she started commenting on almost all his status's asking what they meant, who they were about and everything when he would add someone she would comment asking who they was. So he deleted her he even told me he was gonna delete her. Well she found out last night he deleted her and she called me and told I need to break up with him and make him leave or she would do it her self. I'm almost 20, I have my own place and I have a daughter. She said that he was hiding stuff because he deleted her. He has told me over and over that I can look through his phone and he would give me his password to his Facebook. When i told my mom what he said she said that he could always delete stuff. We had a few issues a few days ago. But with everything my mom and friends is telling me has me so depressed my boyfriend left today to go back home he lives in a different city its maybe 30 minutes away. He was suppose to stay until sunday but he said he wanted to go back today cause of everything that happened. We had some issues a week ago, i had found out that he hung out with another girl he said she goes to his church and that it was nothing they only hung out for 2 hours only because he seen her at the mall. But he didnt tell me about it. The other issue we had was I know this will sound very selfish and wrong but I had one of my friends message him on this website called meetme and she gave him her number and he texted her while he was with me she asked him if he was single and he told her yes she asked him if he wanted to hangout and he said sure I probably can this weekend. We talked about what all he told her and he said that was working things out that we wasn't technically together. And he said that he's knows what he did was wrong. Since my past relationship I have major trust issues with every guy, I have them so bad that when he texts I think its another girl, or I'm constantly thinking he's gonna tell other girls that he's single. Or when he leaves I'm constantly thinking he's gonna hang out with another girl. Its starting to get the best of me. When he leaves I get very sad and depressed and Now my mom is trying to get all my friends to convince me to break up with him. She says that he's mean to me and my daughter which isn't true. He's spent more money time and everything with my daughter which I'm totally fine with. And my daughter loves him to death. We joke around and call each other names and play around and my mom thinks he's being mean to me. Any advice of what to do?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 March 2013):
 I'm sorry I think your mom 100% out of line.
Your BF shouldn't have added her in the first place, if you ask me. He has no "right" or "need" to be on his Facebook. Your relationship is still so new, that I can't see WHY she feels the needs to act like that on HIS PRIVATE Facebook page, it's rather ridiculous.
Also I would like to point out that you are NOT doing to child any favors by introducing them to your sexual partners so soon. TAKE the time to get to know a guy BEFORE introducing them to your daughter. Make sure YOU are in a stable/exclusive relationship before "adding" him to your family. YOU as a single mom, NEED to make sure the person is safe to be around, not just for you bot for your child.
On the other hand, he doesn't sounds like a keeper.
But neither do you. YOU DO NOT have your friends TEST your BF. How old are you?
TAKE your time when you meet a guy to get to KNOW them (and I'm not talking in a biblical sense /sexually) before making it exclusive. And YOU being a single parent you MIGHT want to take a little more them then you might have if you DIDN'T have a child.
I don't blame him from stepping back from this drama circus.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 March 2013):
 ...And I don't think I have ever disagreed with YouWish so far, so it's a first :)
I want to stress how I can see how the mother acted really crazy, and I also can see the point of all the posters who say " They have been just dating for a month, he can do what he wants,it's not official ".
BUT : the circumstances are a bit different from those of any carefree young single girl that could, and SHOULD, in a way, have fun dating and try on a string of different guys on for size before choosing one.
The OP is only 20 and a single mother of one. The OP's mother probably does not want to see her daughter become a single mother of two or more in the immediate future, and also does not want to see her grandkid becoming attached -and then suddenly , brusquely detached - from a string of male figures going in and out of her life like through a revolving door.
This concern , I think, is only in part maternal paranoia,
in part it's justified by the OP having made, and making, impulsive choices,strongly coloured by her emotions .
Like, the OP says "it's going great ", again, how is it going " great " if they alreday have had two crisis, and the need to work them out, in one month ?! That's wishful thinking, - a dangerous thing. The OP does not trust this guy, to the point of setting up traps for him, which may be total paranoia or correct female instuition, anyway why is she even in a relationship with someone whom she cannot trust ? Why is she having someone she does not trust playing daddy and buying stuff for her daughter in less than a month, with the distinct possibility that he may be history in the next two days ?
Being a mother is beautiful and fantastic, but it DOES change your life, you can't just do the heck you want when you want - not even at 20. I can see why the OP's mother could be worried sick about the develepments of this saga - which of course does not justify her bull-in-the-china -store behaviour, but it explains it.
And as for being " official " or not, " exclusive " or not,...and the boy not being ready for a committed relationship , sure. But actions count more than words, it does not matter what it would be the PC dating procedure, de facto, he's got involved in the life of a FAMILY, he's met the mom, he's met the kid and bought stuff for her, he was supposed to spend days living at the OP's place, which makes me assume they have already been regularly intimate, not just going on " dates " - he acts official so he IS official. If they wanted to have time to think about it and slowly see what happens,...they could have taken it slow and gone on weekly dates and followed the dating code
of ( generally childless ) kids their age. Very easy and convenient playing adult life, but only wanting kids' responsibilities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): I am sorry but I do not take either your side or your mother's side. Instead I sympathize with this poor guy you were dating for less than a month ot seems before things started unraveling.One month is not a long time at all. Did you already agree to not see anyone else no matter how casual? I don't think there was anything wrong with him hanging out with that girl from his church. It isn't like you and him are in a committed relationship or anywhere close to it. To then set him up by having your friend try to trick him is, in my opinion, pretty low. If someone i had been seeomg for less than a month did this to me, i would consider it a deal breaker. If you have an issue with someone you should take it to them directly first not go manipulating them through deception and playing "gotcha!!" with them. You should be dealing openly with your mistrust even if it comes down to you needing to calm yourself down when the other person cant do anything more to assure you. You shouldn't go to any length to get the assurance you need if it means lying and tricking and manipulating the person you are supposedly trying to get closer toI get that due to your baggage from past relationships you wanted solid evidence that this new guy is trustworthy and that's why you set him up to test him. It is understandable but truth is that it is still morally wrong because it is treating him disrespectfully and that is not how you build a healthy relationship. If you have to resort to treating others disrespectfully (such as manipulating and tricking them) in order to calm your own insecurity then you are going about it the wrong way, you are dealing with your insecurity in a way that is destructive to relationships as you have just found out. You need to learn to self soothe and calm yourself down on your own so you can sincerely give the new guy the benefit of the doubt. Only when you can do that consistently, and yet still feel uneasy, do you then have the right to point the finger at him as undermining your trust. This might mean you need to slow yourself down and be more laid back and not be so quick to invest yourself emotionally into someone you barely know, otherwise the stakes as far as your mental health become suddenly very high which isn't fair to the guy as he barely knows you too.But we all make mistakes and you are very young so just chalk this up as a learning experience that's all. I think you learned some bad ideas about what is acceptable behavior in relationships, from your mother, because she too is crossing the line both with him and you. You probably learned unconsciously from her that it is normal and ok to be manipulative and controlling. Well, i am here to tell you that its not ok because the outcome is treating other people disrespectfully which is offensive to them and drives them away as a result. Just try not to repeat this mistake with your next dating partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): one month dating and this much drama already?? Man, I cant blame him for leaving!!Only a month into dating and you were setting traps for him and wanting passwords to his accounts. This is not healthy. You were behaving inappropriately. You need to deal with your trust issues from your past and not be carrying it over into every new relationship. It isn't the other person's job to have to reassure you endlessly and prove their innocence over and over again. Did he do wrong by telling other girls he was single? Well considering you have only known him one month I think it is totally reasonable that he thought this relationship is not exclusive or committed. It would be totally different if you had explicitly agreed to be exclusive and serious or had been dating longer like a year or more. But you only started dating one month ago so I don't think its fair to expect him to commit to being exclusive and certainly I think it is inappropriate to want his passwords and to be testing him and setting traps for him even sooner than the one month mark.Then your mom cyber stalking him and being super nosey is just creepy. Overall I think you and your mom were way out of line and you two had better learn some healthier ways to deal with anxiety and mistrust and not go treating every new guy in your life like a criminal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): Although her tactics are unorthodox, your mom has been right a few times. She's meddling and her approach seems a bit weird. She wants the best for you and she's being protective, because YOU ended up being a single mom. That Facebook incident seems a bit silly, so she lost a few points on that one. I had to smile.When you get involved with a guy, you're alone; and also exposing your young daughter to these men. Your mom's approach is a bit crazy, but she is concerned for the both of you. From what you've written, I clearly understand why.You don't trust men, and you seem to be in and out of relationships that end badly. Why wouldn't she be concerned and going out of her mind? You're a kid with a kid. I'm sure she doesn't get much sleep. She sure has a lot of time on her hands for snooping; but she's still your mother.You're living on your own, and not even 20! Where's the father? Does he pay child-support? Probably not.Getting back on point. You haven't proven you have very good judgment when it comes to men. She knows you won't listen to her, but she eases her own conscience knowing she did what a modern mother has to do. Snooping around Facebook and making you face the truth. In fact, she still has some responsibility in bringing you up. You're under 21, and you still need her as a legal guardian.It will only be a matter of time before you're meddling in your own daughter's life. Trying to keep her from repeating your past mistakes. Cut your mom a little slack. You'll know where she's coming from one of these days! A child is both a huge blessing and a curse. As for the last guy you've described. Get to know him better. Take your time. He spends money and likes your daughter. Big deal! That's the child's father's responsibility!!!Listen up, your mom's motherly instincts may not be totally off about him. Your track record with men hasn't been the greatest up to now.He should speak and be on his best behavior around you and your young daughter. If your mother doesn't like it, you always seem to disagree; and see just the opposite. You call it fooling around, she may see it for what it really is. Early signs of verbal abuse! Children repeat what they hear and mimic what they see!Compromise. Try to graciously accept some of her advice and guidance. Show better judgement and maturity; then she won't have to get so involved. She's watching your back, and protecting her granddaughter.When she stops, she has either passed on; or you've grown up. You'll fondly miss her snooping and meddling one day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): Although her tactics are unorthodox, your mom has been right a few times. She's meddling and her approach seems a bit weird. She wants the best for you and she's being protective, because YOU ended up being a single mom. That Facebook incidence seems a bit silly, so she lost a few points on that one.When you get involved with a guy, you're also exposing your young daughter to these men. Your mom's approach is a bit crazy, but she is concerned for the both of you. From what you've written, I clearly understand why.You don't trust men, and you seem to be in and out of relationships that end badly. Why wouldn't she be concerned and going out of her mind? You're a kid with a kid. I'm sure she doesn't get much sleep. She sure has a lot of time on her hands for snooping; but she's still your mother.You're living on your own, and not even 20! Where's the father? Does he pay child-support? Probably not.Getting back on point. You haven't proven you have very good judgment when it comes to men. She knows you won't listen to her, but she eases her own conscience knowing she did what a modern mother has to do. Snooping around Facebook and making you face the truth. In fact, she still has some responsibility to bring you up. You're still just a young girl/woman.It will only be a matter of time before you're meddling in your own daughter's life. Trying to keep her from repeating your own mistakes. Cut your mom a little slack. You'll know where she's coming from one of these days! As for the last guy you've described. Get to know him better. Take your time. He spends money and likes your daughter. Big deal, that the child's father's responsibility. Listen up, your mom's motherly instincts may not be totally off about him. Your track record hasn't been the greatest up to now.He should speak and be on his best behavior around you and your young daughter. If your mother doesn't like it, you always seem to disagree; and see just the opposite. You call it fooling around, she may see it for what it really is. First signs of verbal abuse!Compromise. Try to graciously accept some of her advice and guidance. Grow up,then she won't have to get so involved. She's watching your back, and protecting her granddaughter.When she stops, she has either passed on; or you've grown up.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (15 March 2013):
I think he has every right to walk away. The issues being brought up are reasonable but it has only been just over a month of relationship. If I were in his position I would probably walk away as well due to the sort of pressure I would feel from your mom, your friends as well as from you. I am sure he could have mentioned his other events before hand but I think he has no reached that level of exclusivity with you. It is only natural for a relationship to take time. If he is young like you then perhaps he is not ready to be exclusive to you so quickly.
Either way you both do not seem ready to be together. Trust issues isn't an excuse to use trickery on someone. Your mom is also crossing a big line by not allowing you to make your own choices. While I do understand she loves you, some things just aren't needed, like the overprotection. I'm not saying that he is a saint either. He doesn't seem totally ready for this sort of relationship with you.
My advice would be to take some time off for yourself to just clear your head. Try to figure out if the relationship can be worked on and also try to figure out if this is what you really want. Either way, the best way to deal with these issues would be to give it some time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 March 2013):
 I don't often disagree with CindyCares, but I do this time, at least in part.
Dating for one month doesn't make you exclusive with the guy, and I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't point out that ultimately, you chokeholded this relationship before it even got off the ground. You had him offering passwords to you, which you are not entitled to? Your mom was pretty much cyberstalking him, interrogating him on his Facebook adds and posts?
This is important -- were you sexually active before the guy talked to your friend? If you two were sexual, his telling your friend that he's single is in bad taste.
You must not hold future boyfriends accountable for your past bad choices in exes. The trust issues are yours, but your indulging, feeding, caring, and nurturing those issues will choke out every new relationship you will ever get. You will be called "psycho clingy" because no guy is supposed to continuously reassure you over and over again.
I don't think that's going to happen now. A month into a relationship, a couple should be giddy and happy and annoying all their friends with their gooeyness. Yet you're depressed, crying, demanding passwords, and your mom and friend are stalking him. Not a good sign here.
A relationship should take some months before exclusivity is established. Like others have said, your daughter needs stability, and bringing new men into and out of her life will be traumatic. Only bring them in when you are serious.
You need to deal with your anxiety before you date again, or you will choke out and smother every relationship you get into. You do not want to do that, and your mom has no business friending a guy one month into dating. She should do that when you're married or engaged because you're preparing to be family, not because she's being super spy for you and helping to indulge that anxiety.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 March 2013):
Sounds like your mom is a real piece of work. Do what YOU want and don't let your manipulative mom have any say. Her opinions are obviously based in a different world than yours.
He deleted her because she was annoying, plain and simple.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 March 2013):
Listen to your mom, she pegged him right.
Mind you, your mom is a heck of an overprotective , interfering mom, no doubt , but one can be overprotective and interfering, and also be right.
First, you started dating a month ago, and you already had problems in several occasions ? With a mini break up in between ? In one month? How's that " going great " ?
Second, he IS sneaky. The girl-from-church episode is not that important, there's nothing strange in hanging out a couple of hours with a friend, but it's strange that he never mentioned it. Knowing that you have trust issues, and that you are in theory tryng to build up mutual trust etc.in a new relationship.
But the meetme episode, that takes the cake. " Technically we weren't together, just working things out " . Oh indeed- and how serious could he be about working things out with you, if he was ready in a heartbeat to go after the first random chick who calls him ? And if he KNOWS it was the wrong thing to do, then why did he do it anyway ?
This sounds like a guy that will put his fun before your relationship anytime, and your mom, that like many moms is a real bloodhound, has scented him out at the first whiff :).
Then, the way he acted today. Very immature. Your mom was annoying and out of line, I repeat it, so I can imagine he was pissed. But, if he had really cared about having a smooth relationship with you, he'd have handled the matter in an adult way. Talking to your mother, and explaining his point of view, and how and why it feels uncomfortable and unnecessary having your gf's Mom FB-stalking you. And , again if he really cared about you, he would have tried to reassure her about his being trustworthy, rather than hightailing home to sulk. Problems do not get solved by turning your back to them ( and ditching you mid-weekend ).
Lastly, even supposing he was a saint and totally innocent, ( debatable ) if you can't trust him and have to resort to organize traps for him- you CANNOT have a relationship with him.
Without trust there is no relationship, It would not work, don't waste time on relationship without trust.
Btw, how come that in just one month he's got so chummy with your little daughter ? How come he's even got to see her and spend time with her at such an early stage ? Isn't that going really very very fast ?
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