A
female
age
51-59,
*tefmontgomery
writes:I feel like I am going mad, no matter what I do I am wrong...am I wrong?I really hope you can help me as I feel I am going mad :(My husband and I have been through such a tough life together and it has certainly taken it's toll on me, him and my three children and the young son we have together. For me my husband has let me down many times, mostly when we argue he just will not talk to sort things out, he will disappear over night and even for days. As his family is in the UK and he has no friends here he will choose to stay and sleep in his car rather than talk. He started to leave the first time was when I was eight months pregnant on our son, during the christmas holidays, just six months after we married. I was devastated. After that it started to progress and now the last four years he leaves twice a year. In 2011 I was told the day before valentine's day my father was going to die, I came home upset and because my husband hated my father he started rowing with me, so bad I had to call the police that night and went for a protection order next day. My father died just two weeks later. I took him back, as I always do, I love him but I know he doesn't love me as much.A year later when he had left he pursued a few women, all the while telling them he never loved me, only married me for business or for our son and at the same time telling me he loved me and wanted to try again. All the time I eventually give in and take him back.I hate rows and I always try to talk and sort them out soon after, but he just walks away, all the time. I understand men like to take a little time out and if he could just say to me he's not ready to talk that we'll talk later at least I would feel that ok we will sort it out, but he just walks off and disappears for hours, nights, days. Many times I have gone out to him only to have the car doors locked, windows wound up, music blaring and blatantly laughing at me. There is nothing more degrading and heartbreaking than standing at the car looking in at the man that you love treating you like you mean nothing. His main problem with me is that during rows I would tell him to get out, yes, I have told him to get out, but usually when the row gets very heated and he starts to throw things, break things and even pushing me...his temper is quickly sparked. The house is mine, but I try to explain that it's not all to do with the house being mine, I have four children and hardly going to get them all to move out when he's having his tantrums. Later on it was out of frustration I would ask him to leave, when the cold atmosphere of days on end of bad atmosphere and no effort to talk and sort things out that I would first plead with him to talk then tell him what was the point. Quite a lot of our rows now usually start over my teenage daughter showing him her dislike of him. I've tried to explain to him that she has seen him scream, shout and hurt me and is bound to dislike him for that. Not to mention he has called her names when in his temper, just tells her to do things, criticises her and never tries to make an effort to be friendly or ask her how she is. He just tells me I'm siding with her and being disloyal to him. I try to explain that we are the adults and it's up to us to show by example and that you have to nurture children and show them they are loved, safe and that you care.Another row is over the fact that I have my own private account. this started years ago and it was because when we had a joint account and he had left and was in the UK he emptied the account while there living with his mother and left me with nothing. So I opened a personal account and kept it. He emptied the joint account on a few other ocassions and spent the money on himself. Any money I ever have goes on the mortgage, bills, food, etc... But he doesn't understand the trust issues he has damaged and I've told him that until I feel secure I can't take the risk.Well, now he has left me again. I told him I couldn't do it again, I'm tired and deflated. He eventually convinced me he understood and would do whatever it took to prove to me I could trust him. I told him I wanted to take this slowly. My birthday was coming up in less than two weeks and he gave me the option of going over to him either the weekend before or the weekend after...we both decided the weekend after, he even said that would suit better as he would have more money from his new job and we could go shopping. The weekend before my birthday I got a little concerned he seemed to be avoiding me and said it, instead of reassuring me he started to argue and hinted at splitting up, then started getting really cold and I hdardly heard anything from him. Again I was disappointed. My kids were asking me what I was doing for my birthday and I decided to invite some friends over the weekend before my birthday, When he heard he got upset that I was inviting people he didn't like. He knows these friends are not happy with how he has treated me in the past and then decided he should come too, I told him I would probably cancel the party as I knew a lot of them wouldn't want to come. He is now accusing me of choosing my friends over him and telling him not to come - I never told him he couldn't come. So no matter what I do it's wrong. He then told me he wanted a divorce and that he would disappear and I would not be able to reach him...then he wondered why days later I was not happy to go over to the UK to see him the weekend we had planned. he has done nothing but accuse me of not loving him, putting him last and not caring! I am again heartbroken and devastated, feeling like I am going mad in the head! Please help...please
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): Just get a divorce and dont look back. He has severe issues that will never be resolved, you're wasting your life and destroying what is left of your sanity.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 November 2014):
 The quickest way to restore your sanity is to file for divorce. You will go through a month or two of complete BS, but then you'll be free to have your own life.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 November 2014):
 You deserve a lot of sympathy here but I have to say he mistreats you because you let him. He is a user and a narcissist. He bounces from place to place like a mad man. He is miserable in a marriage because the amount of freedom he needs makes him not suitable as a husband and a father. You should celebrate your birthday with your friends and family. Your present for yourself should be not caring about your husband for a minute. Then you should proceed with divorce without him knowing. It's smoother when he lives separately. Maybe without money and your daughter's ambivalence to him he would be away more. He needs favor from you but doesn't know how to be nice to you. If you are blaming yourself for problems in the marriage you are missing the point. You married the wrong man and fell under his spell. You should be rid of him long time ago.
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