A
male
age
36-40,
*brown702
writes:So i've been dating this girl for about 8 months, in a relationship for the last 4 mo. A few days ago we were hanging out at her place. She was on her laptop and checked her facebook and saw that her "friend" who was the singer in a band that she liked was doing a show the following week. He included a link to a mp3 to which she replied, "oh yes! The song you wrote for me!" The song was about falling for a girl so naturally this led to some questions on my part. Her roomate walked in and i decided to talk about it later. Anyway she must have not seen my curious reaction to the msg because she proceeded to try to get me to go to this show with her a few times. I finally asked her what the deal was with that song and she said they used to date but it never really went anywhere. Some further conversating revealed that they didnt really date but had more of a fwb thing going on. I was kinda pissed that i had to kind of drag this info out of her and also by the fact that this guy is sending her old love songs and saying "come to my show!" and shes thinking im gonna be cool with that. What guy would be cool with that!? i asked myself. Anyway i obviously declined and told her how i felt about the situation. i also asked her how things ended with them...she said one day after spending the night she found womens underwear by his bed. After some questioning and looking around, turned out he had a gf the whole time they were hooking up! (Note: the gf never found out and hes now married to her) I was shocked that afterwards she stayed friends with this guy. She said she remained friends beacuse she doesnt hold grudges, and hes really a good guy. For one, a good guy doesnt cheat releatedly on the woman hes living with and wants to marry, and he lied to her (my gf) as well about being single. I felt like she pretty much disrespected herself by still being cool with this idiot after he lied to her and treated her like that, and that he obviously still thought he was that cool that he could send her a msg like that with the, "ill be singing your song" bit.We ptetty much got in a short argument over this, to which she apologized and said she was sorry for trying to get me to go to the show. i told her i was more concerned about someone treating her like shit and her still being cool and nice with them. I was raised by women, 2 sisters and my mother. They always taught me to respect women, and i feel like in this case she really was not respecting herself by staying friends with this guy and disrespecting our relationship by trying to get me to go along with her to that show. What do you guys/girls think? Did i overreact? What would you have done?
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male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (10 November 2014):
When you get warning signs like this...ask yourself...In the next five years, where will things be? If she is willing to give it up to a "good guy" so easily , how many other good guys are there??
If you want a woman you may have to keep checking up on...well...
You already give yourself all the advise you needed...
"I felt like she pretty much disrespected herself by still being cool with this idiot"
"i told her i was more concerned about someone treating her like shit and her still being cool and nice with them."
So...Is this the kind of woman you plan to give your heart too??
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2014): This incident tells you some things about her character, and they are not good things. Take it or leave it.
IMO the biggest specific thing she did wrong was not originally coming clean to you about having a sexual history with this guy. This guy is not off limits as "part her past" if she is still talking to the guy & going to his shows in the present. So as her current BF you had the right to be informed about the back story.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (9 November 2014):
 I would think along the same lines as you. It's hard for me to understand how she can be cool with being lied to and used. Maybe she is staying friends to avoid dealing with the "used" feeling. Somehow being casual about it protected her feelings. It's a defense mechanism. It would make me worry three things: what's in the past is not really in the past; she has the hots for him but can't get him and would settle for the role of a secret admirer (after all he got one more fan base and thought you would make one good fan); and what you two have together is not special because she could take so lightly of their marriage, or anything serious. She got her priorities all screwed up.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 November 2014):
 Look, this is a nest of worms. Whatever you might think or say will cause an argument, because even if you are right (no, good guys don't cheat and lie), then the number one rule you have broken is this one: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND RESPECT OTHERS.
No matter if you are right, and she's not respecting herself by being "cool" with a cheater and they're not really friends or whatever... No matter what, it's still HER CALL. She gets to decide and use her own judgment when choosing who to call friends, who to be cool with, and who she classifies as a good guy. That's her call, not yours.
Even if you disagree, even if EVERYONE agrees with you that she's being dumb to be friends with such an idiot.. even so, you do not have a right to lecture her, or patronize her, or stick your nose in her business.
So my ruling is this one: You are right about this guy, he's not a good guy, and she probably shouldn't be friends with him based on what we know about him. She could have been more upfront with you about him. BUT, you are still in the wrong, because you have no right to look down your nose at her or her decisions. She has her reasons, you need to respect her judgment and her reasons. If you do not respect her decisions, even if you disagree with them (there can be respect without agreement) then you should not date her.
Also, as a final note I want to remind you that you never know the full story, so be careful about passing judgment. You do not know what actually happened, you only know what you heard, and the blanks you let your imagination fill in. This will almost always result in negative outcomes. Instead of passing judgment, I advise you to take things with a pinch of salt. That means, when you're told seemingly shockingly or suspicious things, wait with reacting. Wait, hear some more, think about it, see if other new information comes forth (without going digging, because you have no right to go digging). Once you feel like you have enough information, you calmly state your position on the matter and discuss is properly. Having a fight over something like this is both petty and a waste of your time and energy. If you do not like this guy based on what she told you about him, then simply state so. No need to bash her for her decision to stay friends with him, and no reason to lecture her about how she "disrespects herself". I could just as easily tell her to dump you, because you are disrespectful of her by telling her these things, so in order to respect herself she should dump you.. See how that same idea works directly against yourself?
Don't be a hypocrite. If you want her to respect herself, then start by respecting her yourself.
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