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Do I stay with boyfriend or leave and hope something will happen with this other man?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Crushes, Faded love, Family, Pregnancy, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 December 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 8 December 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone

Looking for some advice. Im 32 years old and when I was 18 I met a lad (lets call him A) through a group of friends. I had just recently entered a relationship and A also had a girlfriend who he had been with a few years. There was chemistry between us as soon as we met and we used to all meet up in this group of friends weekly to go to the pub. I would often be without my boyfriend and A's girlfriend wouldn't always go either. Over the weeks it got more intense and we would flirt and have some banter. We would text each other quite a bit too. Over the next weeks and months there were gatherings with friends (without my boyfriend or his gf) and one night we shared a bed together. We didn't have sex but we made out and touched each other. One night a group of us went back to A's house (A's girlfiend was also there) and we stayed quite late. A's girlfriend went to bed and eventually people started to leave. I ended up staying with A downstairs and we made out alot but it went no further than that (yes I still felt awful as his girlfriend was upstairs and I was also cheating on mine). I think it may have gone further that night but my boyfriend called to find out where I was, so I got a taxi home. When I got home my boyfriend was at my house and asked the taxi driver where he had picked me up from and the taxi driver told him. My boyfriend hit the roof and also found the text messages we had been sending. Thankfully the messages never discussed that anything had happened between us so I was able to lie and said I found him attractive and had been flirting but nothing else happened. My boyfriend also contronted A and he also said he was sorry but nothing had happened and it would stop.

So lots of time has passed. I still see A quite alot within this group of friends. He and his girlfiend at the time broke up (for different reasons as she never found out) and im still with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and A now get on well (just within this group, but they wouldn't meet on a 1 to 1 basis). I find myself thinking about A ALOT even when im not with him or haven't seen him for a few weeks. When we meet we have a little giggle and a flirt and I just love being in his company. Over the years he has had other girlfriends and I have remained with my boyfriend but ive always wondered if I had broke up with my boyfriend would we have got together. My feelings have just got stronger after all these years and I feel like I want to be with him and not my boyfriend. I even think of him when I have sex and im dreaming of him most nights. I wake up so happy then I get angry because its not real. The problem is I am now a mummy to a toddler and have another baby on the way so feel like its too late.

I saw A last week. My boyfriend was also there. A has a new gf who he wanted me to meet. She is lovely, I didn't have any bad feelings towards her at all which is odd considering how I feel about A. She has 2 children from a previous relationship and she was telling me how she would love another baby. I was windng A up that his gf wants a baby and he confessed it didn't want children and doesn't mind being in a relationship with someone who already has kids. He spent alot of the night touching my baby bump and hoping it would kick which surprised me also. In my opinion and experience men aren't over keen on touching womens pregnant bumps (unless its their baby) was it an excuse to keep touching me? we still had the occasional flirt and just looking at each other from across the room too. He also spent a good 20mins sat with me and his new gf telling her all about me and my career and basically how amazing I am. When it was time to say bye he gave me a big hug in the presents of his gf and my boyfriend and said 'ahh I love u'. Yes it was said in a friendly way, not as a declaration of his love but it just makes me think there is something there. My boyfriend heard but didn't bat an eyelid - yes he knows about the past but I think he feels more secure now as we have a home and children and feels I picked him. I feel terrible that he doesn't know my true feelings.

I don't want to risk breaking up my family for him as I don't know A's true feelings. It could just be a bit of banter and a harmless flirt to him and nothing more. I love my boyfriend, we have a home, and a 2nd child on the way but I just don't have the same feelings for him. I wish he was A.

Someone please help. Yes your advice will probably be to never see A again but its impossible as he is part of a group of friends so I have no choice but to see him as part of that. We do not communicate via social media or text now and only ever see each other within this group so maybe every few weeks or months. I don't know when ill next see him and that makes me sad.

View related questions: broke up, flirt, text, want children

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (8 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI think you should end things with your boyfriend. You say you love him, but it is clear that you don't. You would never have lied and cheated on him if you loved him. If you want to do the decent thing then let your boyfriend go and be with someone who will treat him well. How would you feel if he told you he thought about another women while having sex with you, a woman who he cheated on with you? I know it would break me apart if I found that out. Do what is right by him. My guess is that A might want to get with you again, even if he does or doesn't your boyfriend deserves better. He deserves the truth.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (5 December 2017):

You should break up with your boyfriend and go be with A. You’re unhappy in your relationship and obviously do not love your boyfriend so why stay with him. I’m sure A is just waiting for you but doesn’t want to do anything while your BF is in the picture.

I’m just curious as to why you would get pregnant by a man you have no respect for and clearly don’t love. Seems a really bizarre move to me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2017):

I wonder how you would feel if you discovered your bf felt like this for a female .. And let's be honest if A was so into you. As you think.. you wouldn't be where you are .. he knows you like him .. so he would pursue it . The reason he hasn't he you sweetie how he feels

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (4 December 2017):

N91 agony auntApologies, I mistyped unhappy, I meant to say something along the lines of if your feelings we stronger for A then why haven't you already left?

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (4 December 2017):

N91 agony auntIt always sounds fantastic thinking about what you could have with someone else. I think most people will of experienced it at some point or other.

The main things here are:

You and A are both in relationships

You have a child with another on the way

You're unhappy in your relationship

The question is what do you want to do about each?

Firstly, even if you broke up with your BF. A still has a GF. If he broke up with her also, would you be guaranteed to get together? Maybe he currently feels the exact same way but if it comes down to it who knows if he would be willing to go through with it also? Maybe sounds great in theory but some people easily get cold feet.

Are you willing to break up your little family based on a feeling? You and your BF have a whole life together and you need to have a serious think about what you want. Just because you have kids together doesn't make him the right person for you. Maybe you will end up breaking up and getting together further down the line who knows? But you need to think about this long and hard first before doing anything rash.

YCBS raises a good point in saying that what's made you stay? Surely your BF has been good to you for you to stick around this long. I think if you were as unhappy as you say you are you would of left a long time ago.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (4 December 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntAh, unrequited love. It never grows old or fades because it was never real. In our imagination it can be forever perfect.

If you HAD got together with A all those years ago, you would probably be having the same feelings are you are having about him about someone else. What you have with your boyfriend is REAL. You have a shared history, a home and, most importantly, children. What you have with A is just fantasy. You have never had to see him in a cranky mood because he's not slept well, or had to wash his underpants, or had to share day to day challenges with him.

There was obviously a reason you stayed with your boyfriend all those years ago. THAT would have been the time to have finished with him and have hooked up with A. What stopped you? What made you choose your boyfriend? Presumably he has been a good partner, otherwise you would not be where you are today. If nothing else, do you not think HE deserves better than to be with someone who is just hankering for another man?

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