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I broke it off. Was I right? How do I move on?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Faded love, Family, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 December 2017) 5 Answers - (Newest, 8 December 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I was with her for 1 year. Everything was going great until 3-4 months in we started having problems. We both made mistakes and we’ve been on and off many times. We somehow managed to move past all of that and we fell in love. It’s then when we got intimate, she couldn’t get intimate with someone she didn’t feel she could love. We went on our first holiday, buying each other gifts, going out and all of that. But eventually the problems started happening again. She had these moments where she didn’t want to speak to or see anyone. Her mom even told me that she’s been like that. Many times when I wanted to communicate and share something with her she was either not in the mood to talk or was too tired. She started changing her opinion, one month we were talking about living together, the next she was confused and didn’t know what she wanted. And these things made me resentful. Until last night I had enough. We bought a birthday present for her moms birthday but she gave it to her before her birthday, alone. For my moms birthday, I let her keep the present so she could bring it and give it to her herself. This wasn’t the scenario with her mom. Her response was that she saw her at the train station and her mom asked her what she bought and she just wanted to make her happy and gave it to her in advance. What about me? Didn’t I want to make her mom happy as well? Didn’t I want to be a part of that and to see her reaction and smile? Her reasoning was that I was overreacting and it wasn’t a big deal. First time we gave a present to my mom we did it together, and for her mom she didn’t it alone. We also didn’t have sex for probably around a month and every time I brought it up she wasn’t in the mood to talk about it (the lack of intimacy). Last night I was trying to reason with her for the last time and work on the problems but all I got was: I don’t know, I have nothing to say, Do whatever. So I broke it off. Was I right? How do I move on? Even her friends agree with me.

It became obvious to me that we were on different pages and it was not going anywhere. She didn’t want to communicate and small important things in a healthy relationship she started brushing off like they were nothing. In the beginning however she was all about the little things. Her own mom and bff told me that I’m the most amazing person she has ever met (even she herself told me that a few times) and losing me is a mistake. I don’t know what happened, all I know is that I had enough...

View related questions: fell in love, in the mood, move on

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (8 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntAs you say all you know is you have had enough so that is enough to accept that the relationship is over and now work towards moving on with your life. Personally it wouldn't bother me in the slightest if my husband gave a gift we had both bought to his mum and vice versa. Maybe she did feel it wasn't a big deal. If she goes through phases off locking herself away from people and not wanting to talk maybe she is suffering from depression and needs professional help has her mother or friends thought off that? Depression also causes a decrease in sexual interest. It is obvious your relationship doesn't work and maybe you are just not suited to each other.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (5 December 2017):

Every relationship comes to an end until you come to the one that doesn’t. This one came to an end there is no shame in that and there should be no regret.

Stop looking back and start looking forward.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think you did the right thing, something you should have perhaps done sooner. Those issues you two had 3-4 months in, should perhaps have told you that this is not going to be a good long-term relationship. Having issues THAT soon and being on/off is a GOOD indicator that it wasn't a good fit for either of you.

You still tried to make it work and THAT is good because even if a relationship doesn't last trying to make it work will teach you something for the next one. And you didn't DRAG it out pretending things were fine.

Accept that you and she were not a great match for a longterm relationship. You gave it a try. Some of your core values and general attitude didn't mesh.

Don't get sucked back into another "try". It will fail again and again.

Chin up, OP

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (4 December 2017):

N91 agony auntYes you were right.

You weren't happy and she was doing nothing to ease your mind when you confronted her. There's only so much you can do to make her change her ways and she wasn't interested. Stick to it, block her number and move forwards.

Best of luck

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (4 December 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI think the thing to focus on here is that you did your best and, for you at least, it didn't work out. Whatever your ex's reasons for her behaviour (sounds like she may have some sort of issues but that would be for a professional to assess), the relationship was not working for YOU so I would say yes, you were right to finish it.

If she wouldn't (couldn't?) talk about problems in your relationship, then they would have just got bigger with time. Letting go of what makes us unhappy is a sensible and adult thing to do. Now give yourself time to get over your loss (because it IS a loss, regardless of the circumstances), then brush yourself off and find someone who you get on with better. Good luck.

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