A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Three weeks ago, I met a man on an online dating site. We have a very strong connection and started dating, even though we live an hour and a half from each other. For the first time I actually felt really comfortable around a man, and let down my guards more than I usually do this early on in a relationship. I felt that this could actually be a long term relationship. We spent this past weekend together and I took advantage of the time we were spending together to sort of lay ground rules of how we want the relationship to go.During our conversation I brought up the fact that I have an ex who I still talk to from time to time, strictly as a friend, and our interactions simply involve one of us helping the other with something, or just grabbing a bite. We both acknowledged that it could be a problem. So I agreed to reduce/stop my interactions with this ex.However after I left, and had time to give it more thought, I realized that the ex in question has been a really great friend to me. We were friends before we dated and remained friends after breaking up. I live away from my family and this friendship is the only thing I can rely on, if need be.So, I thought it would be fair to disclose this to my current boyfriend later that evening when we talked on the phone. Before I had a chance to bring it up, he asked me if I had informed my ex that I wouldn't be talking to him anymore, like i had agreed to. When I explained to him that to me, it was a friendship that I really valued, he got really upset and called me a liar for not telling him the whole truth. He then reveals that when we were together earlier that day, after our ground rules conversation, he went through my texts and saw what he considered to be incriminating evidence ( less than a month old texts of me asking my ex for a ride to get my car back from the mechanics and another to borrow money). For that reason, he said he couldn't trust me, broke up with me. We spent the next two hours arguing over the phone.I understood why he got upset but didn't think me not telling the whole truth was going to be such a huge deal breaker. I though the great connection we had wasn't going to be so easy for him to break, over something like this. I explained to him that I didn't want the relationship to end to which he replied that he would never trust me again.I really value this relationship, should I just cut my losses and move on or actually try to make him reconsider?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2015): OP here. Thank you all so much for your replies.
After that argument Sunday, he backtracked and apologized yesterday. He then showed up today because he misses me (so he said) but then requested to go through my phone, messages, apps everything, and that I shouldn't have a problem with it if I had nothing to hide. I let him get through a couple of apps and told him this shouldn't become a habit. He said it would. I had five words for him: Get out of my apartment. I definitely won't deal with that, from anyone.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2015): Hi thereThis new man sounds like a nightmare. He says he wants to break up and then spends two hours on the phone with you? He doesn't want to break up so much as break you. It sounds to me as if he is trying to control you, threatening to break it off with you because 'he can't trust you'. And going through your phone...WHAT?? Can you imagine what he would be like if you were to carry on with him? This relationship was in such early days and he had no idea what kind of relationship you have with your ex. Not yet. I wouldn't like it either if a new boyfriend was still friends with his ex, but I would wait to find out if it was going to be the sort of relationship that would bother me, before I spoke to him about it. It was the first thing he asked you about when you spoke after the first discussion. In my humble opinion, I don't think this man is going to make you happy, not in the long run. Do you want to sacrifice the friendship you have with a man who is important to you for this 'xxxxx'!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 May 2015):
 3 weeks and he goes through your phone? Yes, I think you should cut your losses, and thank you lucky stars!
I DO think agreeing to one thing and then changing your mind, deciding to omit the truth is SHADY of you. And NOT a good way AT ALL to start a relationship. Don't agree to something you aren't SURE you actually want to carry through with.
Some people can handle dating someone who is friends with an ex, others can't.
THIS guy? can't. Because he sees it as you PRIORITIZING and ex over him. Fact is your prioritize a FRIENDSHIP over a BF (from your stand point) not an EX over a BF. And most people will value a good friendship over a BF/GF - however, because this FRIEND is an ex it muddies the water.
And I don't blame him for not trusting you, however... it's ONLY been 3 weeks, he has NO idea if you are capable of having a true friendship with an ex or not, HE (like you) are JUST looking out for himself.
My husband is friends with his ex-wife - if they did not have kids... I wouldn't have wanted to date him while still being friends with her, because she is a drama cow. But I say that in hindsight.
Mostly though... I'd say this, HE HAD NO RIGHT to go through your phone. HE did so BECAUSE HE already didn't trust you and was looking for something "wrong" with you. That is pretty much a RED flag to me that SCREAMS controlling.
End it and cut the contact 100%. If you keep dating this fella he will HOLD this "I can't trust you" over your head indefinitely. And he will feel entitled to go through your phone,Facebook, who knows what else.
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A
male
reader, lawncare  +, writes (5 May 2015):
 A guy you met three weeks ago is already rifling through your texts (for me a no-no at any point in the relationship) and you're wondering whether you should be going back? Heck no.
Even if you're being less than completely honest about your relationship with the ex to your current beau and us here, he has no right to do that or to stomp all over your history. Furthermore, he impugns your honesty, effectively saying that he can't trust you in word or deed. If this is what he's like now, imagine him in a year or two.
On the other hand, this ex sounds great; calm, reliable, available, solid. I beg you guys to reconsider!
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (5 May 2015):
 You could cut your losses if you feel that the benefits of your friendship with the EX outweighs benefits of being with your BF. However, let me tell you that, irrespective of your truth or logic in disclosing your friendship with the Ex, virtually every guy that you will encounter in the future will fiercely object to you having your Ex around in any format. It has nothing to do with your truth or the fact that it is platonic. It basically comes down to the fact that no guy wants to look at at some other guy who was screwing his woman; he does not need that nor does he want that reminder. Now, this may sound illogical to you, unfortunate or what have you, but that is just a fact of the matter. I know that because I am a guy and I don't want to see nor hear about no Ex. So your new guy found a flabby argument in this situation and you clearly describe the weakness of that argument. However, that argument is just a cover for the fact that he does not want to see nor hear your Ex if you are going to be with him.You decide.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 May 2015):
 I believe you, that you and your ex are platonic but your date thought you had something to hide when you first agreed that it would be a problem then backtracked and said your ex was important to you. It made it sound like you like him more than you should and refuse to let go.
There are people who simply can't accept that exes can be friends. That's just unfortunate because no matter what you say to convince him it won't change his opinion. You feel you are okay with your ex but only agreed that it would be a problem to appease your date.
I think you should cut your losses. No one can tell you whether to cut off your ex forever, but just remember some guys can't deal with that kind of friendship.
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