A
male
age
51-59,
*reamland
writes:Okay....please refrain from excoriating and vilifying me because I know that I'm not supposed to partake in this endeavor, but I'm a little too deep into this game.I've been seeing this married woman who is five years my senior for about three years now, but during the last six months it has escalated from casual encounters into a torrid love affair. She's VERY aggressive towards me sexually! However, she's acting a little distant lately and has mentioned that this double life isn't good for her mental health, not to mention the effect that it has on her already loveless, boring, roommate style arrangement marriage, although they are financially well off. She has mentioned that if her husband initiated the divorce she would do it in a heartbeat, but she won't initiate out of concern over his anger issues or something to that effect.From a statistical standpoint, she WILL get caught, right? But when? I don't want to break up her marriage, but why does she stay with someone she views more like a brother than a lover? I know that marriage isn't all about freaky sex, but why torture yourself mentally living under a roof with someone you can't stand? Women are confused....LOL!
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 Ok seen as you are not paying any attention to all of our posts (where we have already answered your questions) then I will make this very clear:
1. Do all cheaters get caught? Not always. Some are incredibly good liars, sometimes the partner just is too wrapped up in their own little world to notice, some partners choose to bury their heads in the sand and pretend they have not realised their loved one is cheating as this is easier than facing the truth. But equally, sometimes cheaters do get caught. The lies may catch up with them, someone may see them cheating and tell their partner, sometimes the partner simply can tell what is going on and will confront them. So if you are wondering if and when she will get caught - who knows. Its about a 50/50 chance whether she gets caught or not, may depend on how good a liar she is and whether her husband is perceptive or not.
2. Why does she stay with a man she cannot stand? Ok there is a lot to this question:
a) it is a lie that she 'cannot stand him' - this is what she is telling you to keep you hooked. This is SUCH a common line that ALL cheaters feed to their bit on the side, I have been on this site years and almost every cheating question has this exact same line in it. If she told you she was actually pretty happy and loved him, would you still be around?! I think not! If she really could not stand him, she would never have married him let alone stayed with him, or had a child with him. She is probably a bit bored in her marriage and there may be a few problems, but at the end of the day she chose to marry this man, this man got down on one knee and proposed to spend the rest of his life with her, and she agreed. She WANTS to spend forever with this man, she made the vows and he is 'the one' for her. Yes there may be issues, but I can tell you know that she definitely does not hate him, she will still be having sex with him and she is generally pretty happy with the exception of a few things. No human would ever stick around in a situation that makes them desperately unhappy, because when you reach rock bottom you make changes to your situation. So she is clearly nowhere near rock bottom hence she has a pretty ok marriage with the exception of being a bit bored. She is just telling you what you want to hear, knowing that when she tells you these things it gives you hope, and the more hope you have the longer the affair can continue. If you knew the truth then you would not carry on with the affair - and she knows it.
b) her child. She has a stable family unit right now and she knows a child needs a stable home. Why would she leave what is a pretty comfortable life when she has a child? There is no reason at all! As a woman she will always have the best interests of her children at heart because that is what her maternal instincts are telling her to do, and she knows that the best place for her child is with its father.
c) there are not big enough problems for her to leave. If she is a bit bored and sex is not great, that still is nowhere near a big enough reason to tear a family apart and go through the stresses of divorce. If there was domestic violence, cheating (on his side seen as she is already unfaithful), emotional abuse, long distance.....etc then those are good grounds for divorce. But boredom and lack of sex? That is pathetic and she knows she cannot divorce a good man because of that. If she thought about it she would realise that her problems could be solved by working on the marriage and communicating more, but instead she is taking the easy option and just getting her bit of fun elsewhere.
d) Fear. This is so common with cheaters - why leave a comfortable life for a life of uncertainty? With her husband she knows the score - life is straight forward, pretty easy and her child is happy. Whereas if she left, she would be more unhappy than she is now - so why bother? The fear of the unknown is far stronger than boredom or disatisfaction with your sex life will ever be, so fear and general comfort is keeping her with him - simply it is easier for them to be together than it is to be apart.
e) she simply DOES NOT WANT TO LEAVE. I dont know why this is so hard for you to understand - but to put it simply, you dont mean enough to her to want to leave her husband for you. Even if you dont want her to leave for you, surely that still answers your own question? If you are not a reason for her to leave, then she has NO reasons to leave. She has a child, a husband and a stable, comfortable family life. Why leave that just because she is bored? She is nowhere near as unhappy as she pretends to be when she is with you, she is actually doing pretty well and she has absolutely zero reasons to leave.
So hopefully this answers your questions - as you can see there are no definitive yes or no answers but a whole variety of reasons why she is the way she is. But you are forgetting your part in this and placing everything on her shoulders. Think about her child, think about her husband. Do you really want to be responsible for breaking apart a family if she does get caught? Do you want to destroy that child's family and happiness? Yes she is massively at fault and a pretty immoral person if she is happy to use a man for sex rather than work on her marriage - but you are also at fault for letting this continue!
Grow a pair and stop this now - you are playing with people's lives and hurting an innocent child with your actions. Just because she doesnt care about her child's happiness doesnt mean that you should join in with this same attitude. Be the bigger person, re-discover some integrity and self respect and end this whole mess. There is an innocent child in the line of fire and someone needs to be a responsible adult and put an end to this now.
A
male
reader, Dreamland +, writes (15 March 2011):
Dreamland is verified as being by the original poster of the question@eyeswideopen:If you read my post you'll see the question that I posted: do cheaters(my lover) eventually get caught, and why does she stay with someone who she can't stand and is not attracted to, aside from the fact that they do carry on a amicable, business type of relationship?Do I like attention? Of course, and we all do. This woman showers me with copious amounts of attention and compliments; it's that time span in between the encounters, that harrowing sound of silence and uncertainty, that is slowly killing my spirit.....
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 You know what, it just dawned on me, I think it's YOU who's stringing all of us along. You aren't looking for any advice, you just want attention. Thanks for wasting everybody's time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): No one quite knows what goes on within a marriage. Whatever she says, she may be happy with the status quo. Many supposedly 'unhappy' marriages go on forever. If she is careful about her affair, she may never get caught. Sometimes a spouse will turn a blind eye - not as unusual as you might think. Life is never straight forward. Affairs are quite common, as much as we would all like to think or wish fidelity is the norm.
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A
male
reader, Dreamland +, writes (15 March 2011):
Dreamland is verified as being by the original poster of the question@eyeswideopen
She is not stringing me along because she has been very vocal and succinct in her views that, per her words, "we need to find you a nice single girl." We have both agreed on numerous occasions that all this debauchery has to stop, but our attempts are futile since we're very attracted to each other.
I don't know either what I'm doing with a married woman, because I have a good job, no bills at all, money in the bank, very affable, get a lot of compliments and attention from women.......WTF is wrong with me?? I guess I have a tendency to want to bypass the courtship and relationship building phase for someone who wants that that hot, steamy, all night passionate kissing and love making experience. Here's the key: it's all "new and exciting" everytime I see her.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 March 2011):
She is stringing you along and you refuse to see it. You are going to be one very lonely old man if you don't wake up and wise up. Many years from now while she and her husband are snuggled on the couch surrounded by the grandkids, you'll be alone reading the TV Guide.
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A
male
reader, Dreamland +, writes (15 March 2011):
Dreamland is verified as being by the original poster of the question****UPDATE******In case I didn't make this clear......I don't want her to leave her marriage for me, but I just want her to be there two, or three times a week. I am single and have never been married, so I probably exude a lot of commitment phobia vibes too; my charm acumen and clean cut guy-next-door aura always gets me in trouble, since married women view me as "safe" option. My concern is regarding her getting caught, because she has alluded to her husband questioning her where she's been from time to time, especially on weekends when she used to never leave the house. They never have sex and she even expressed how baffled she is that he doesn't find that a bit odd. He is a bit older than her and I get the feeling that she's embarrassed to be seen with him in public places; they basically live seperate social lives!Can affairs go on forever without the perpetrator getting caught? She admits that what she's doing is very selfish and morally reprehensible, but she worried about what splitting up will do to her child.I do love her, but I'll keep that to myself....thanks,Dreamland
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): Why would she leave? In her opinion, she has the best of both worlds! A rich husband, I'm going to assume she has a nice house, nice car, settled life, large pension, his inheritance, and to top it all off, a young stud to romp with on weekends. You are simply another accessory in her rich lifestyle. She loves having things, not having you as a person. She won't leave, I assure you.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 March 2011):
Have a read of this question http://www.dearcupid.org/question/affair-advice-please-however-wrong-it-is-i.html
You might just realise that your relationship is heading the exact same way so jump ship now before you are 6 years down the line like this poor guy.
As I said to him - all cheaters behave the same way, they will NEVER leave their partners for the person they are having an affair with. As much as they tell you they love you, how unhappy they are in their marriages, how they would get divorced in a heartbeat etc.....these are all LIES to keep you hooked!
And you have fallen for it completely. She is using you for sex, whilst she has the stable, wealthy and comfortable relationship at home. Why would she want to leave him for you?! He gives her everything she needs apart from sex, and that is where you come in. No woman will ever leave a wealthy husband for someone who is simply good in bed - I am sorry to say this but you are just her bit on the side and will never be anything more to her.
Unless you want to keep on allowing yourself to be used then put a stop to this now, you are the one that is going to get hurt here. Even if she gets caught and her husband finds out - I would put good money on her cutting you out of her life and begging her husband for forgiveness. The man or woman on the side never wins, I have been on this site for enough years to know that it is about 99.9% certain she will never leave him for you.
So please, end it now before it gets any worse. If she really is so incredibly unhappy then she will leave, but I guess the money is far more attractive to her than you will ever be. She is not the kind of woman you want to be involved with so move on, find a nice single girl who actually has some morals and is interested in you for more than your skills in the bedroom.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): This woman is in limbo. While I do not work for this publisher, the book saved my life, the life of my wife's affair partner, and my marriage. You need to read it and understand what is going on in her mind.
http://womensinfidelity.com/
I'm dead serious, this author know her sh!t!
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic +, writes (15 March 2011):
distant your self from her
she well run after you
and if she saw you with another woman
especially if this woman was one of her friends
she well run after you like crazy,
she is recently too affraid to confront her self
and doenst realy know what she wants from her self and from you
because she knows that you are attached to her and you are simply available
but when you move out and you put jeallousy as a factor
the whole equasion well become different by then
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 This woman might be confused. Or you might be.
She's stepped out of her boring marriage to have freaky sex with you. You're thinking that by scratching her itch you're laying the groundwork for a future together. And she may be thinking that getting that itch scratched may be enough to release the pressure and enable her to stay in her comfortable world. Maybe she's wanting to stay for the kids, for their comfortable life, for the respectability of their established life together. That their retirement plans look appealing. Whatever.
If you read the countless posts on this site about married people having affairs, a very small percentage actually lead to people leaving their marriages for their lovers. Think about that while she's hemming and hawing about being with you rather than her husband.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (15 March 2011):
 All I can really say on this is that she appears to be stuck in a rut. Do you want to be stuck in it with her?
Why not find a new woman who can make up her mind? One who will be dedicated to you and not already have a history of infidelity?
Best of Luck
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