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Is it selfish to break up with him over this?

Tagged as: Faded love, Pornography, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 December 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 31 December 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

A couple of months ago my boyfriend and I had an argument, I was trying my best to start sex with him, I don't know if he was maybe tired but he got annoyed and said it's a turn off putting sex on a plate.

So I decided to stop trying, I thought that if I didn't put it on a plate like he said I was it would make him want me more. Well that plan didn't work because months have gone by and nothing.

We went away on holiday and I was changing out of my bathing suit and he didn't even look. I brought this up and asked why he didn't look at me anymore. I think he felt guilty so the following evening we did have sex but it's obviously not because he wanted to.

This Christmas he's really helped me out with money and I'm very grateful for it but when we were drunk I started talking about this when we were lying in bed and he ended up calling me a nasty bitch.

It's blown up in to a massive argument and he's making me out to be ungrateful by starting an argument after all he's done.

He watches porn, he masturbates, he's not impotent, he just doesn't even try to have sex with me. I've realised that throughout the five years we've been together it was always me starting sex.

How do I make him see that I'm not ungrateful for all he does but that him not wanting to have sex with me isn't right.

I don't want to be in a relationship with a man who doesn't find me attractive and he's making me feel like I'm an awful selfish person for feeling that way.

I'm reasonably attractive, I can't say my body is perfect but I have goods legs and a nice bottom, well he always used to think so anyway.

Is it selfish breaking up with someone over this, whenever I try and talk about it he says I just ruin everything.

View related questions: christmas, drunk, money, on holiday, porn

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2017):

Nope, not selfish, you aren't his roommate, you're supposed to be his girlfriend. So, now that you know that he's not into you sexually, why would you stick around and hope for a wonderful sex relationship with him, when the history has clearly shown you that is not going to happen? Get out now, why people can't read the writing on the wall and realize what's happening is beyond me. Good luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2017):

When one aunt commented that if you were a man who commented that her husband not wanting to have sex with her just isn't right , many people would be angry I'd like to point out that there is one huge difference that relates to this situation - porn !

Most women who go off sex with their husbands are not spending their free time masturbating to images of other men !!!

I can totally understand why you would be offended and hurt

This is not a matter of him losing his sex drive ( as wives sometimes do ) it's a matter of him losing his sex drive with YOU specifically ! As he shows sexual lust and desire for other women in porn

I would do what many other aunts here have suggested . Get a payment plan in place and signed then break up . This is not the guy for you . It's obviously some other body type or type of women who floats his boat sexually . Find a man who's right for you and who desires the beauty you bring to the table . You deserve to be treated as sloppy seconds and an ATM

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2017):

Your BF is an asshole.

I'm afraid if you stay with him, it's only going to get worse.

You want to be with someone who makes you feel special, not like a chore or obligation.

This guy wants you because it's better than being alone. So, you're just a step up from being alone.

I'd always worry he was banging someone else or others besides the porn addiction.

If he makes you feel like shit, then he's shit.

A guy who loves and wants to keep his woman elevates her. He is treating you like leftovers he isn't even sure he wants.

Sorry. I know you have emotions for him. But isn't it better to be alone than in a relationship where you feel alone?

It's a new year. Time for a brand new start.

In time, you will see this was the right decision. :)

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (31 December 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntSet up a payment plan that you both sign and have a copy of, then break up. You're just not sexually compatible.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (30 December 2017):

"him not wanting to have sex with me isn't right."

I'm sorry but if you were a man and said that you'd have some upset people replying to you. Everyone has the right to say no to sex. It's a good way to ruin a relationship, but they still have the right.

If you've tried communicating this to him and you feel like you have no other options, then you have the right to leave. I'm in the same boat as you, my wife has lost her sex drive and it's frustrating.

You could always look into therapy. It may help, but it may not be worth it unless the relationship is otherwise very good.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2017):

I'd like to add one thing to the good advice you've received so far. Depending on how much he watches porn, it's possible he's addicted and unable to enjoy himself with the real thing. Unfortunately, this is becoming a problem with the easy access to porn. That possibility along with his treatment of you says you would be better off without him.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (30 December 2017):

First of all, don't you blame yourself for anything. It's good that you're confident enough to initiate sex with your lover. It demonstrates you are sensual, aware of your femininity, and confident in your power as a woman.

He had no right to call you a bitch or to throw money up in your face; because he's been too busy whipping the willy, to have any passion leftover after porn.

You're in that magical 3-5 year "make-it or break-it" stage of a relationship. So here we go!!!

You've been together a long-time. When a relationship works; you can endure and survive even through adversity. Your love and passion maintains itself fueled by trust and devotion to each other. He's sexually-spent after too much porn and masturbation; so now the relationship is like being roommates. He clears his conscience by throwing you a bone by taking you shopping; but you can't maintain a full-fledged relationship on just that.

When you try to discuss your feelings or needs with your partner, and it turns into a nasty argument every-time; your relationship is in trouble. Relationships need maintenance and adjustments in order to flourish and survive. It needs two-way open-communication. You have to tell each other what's wrong, or rely on his mind-reading abilities. You've got the same needs he has; but he's chosen a different source for sexual-release and pleasure.

BTW you don't bring-up problems or complaints while drunk; or lying cozily next to each other. You're bound to get a bad reaction! As you've witnessed through your own experience! That kills the mood then and there!

Helping you financially was supposed to be from the goodness of his heart. It should never come-up in discussion; unless you're taking him for a ride or using him. You're not a prostitute or a pole-dancer. He throws a few pounds your way. Well, you happen to be his girlfriend! You do nice things for, and you're generous to, the people you love.

Never blame your looks or wager your self-esteem based on whether a guy is up for sex. In your case, you are fully aware this guy masturbates to porn. In many cases, porn becomes addictive or an overblown-habit. It's only supposed to be a sex-substitute for single-people. Too much masturbation; and he becomes desensitized, runs out of "juice," and he feels sexually-satisfied. With nothing leftover for lovemaking. That's the problem here.

His attitude in response to your concerns was nasty and uncalled for. Your sex-drives are now out of sync. He's dismissing your needs; because he's already wanked his away.

Here goes the part you really didn't want to read. He's just coasting-along in this relationship. Enjoying your company like a good roommate. You cook, clean, and care for him. Fulfilling his need for female-companionship, a maid and caretaker. You are no longer his desired-lover or source of pleasure.

So make a decision. Is this menial-position in your relationship good enough for you? You could certainly do better. Don't waste your prime years! Once they run-out, they're gone for good!

You're a healthy, lovely, young, and vibrant woman. You don't have to settle for this. You've given him a five-year chunk of your life. So, how much have you gained from this investment? It seems you're not even breaking-even on your dividends! You're operating at a loss!

Weight your pros and cons to leave or to stay. You don't and can't change him. It's up to him to do that; if you mean enough to him.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntWhy is it selfish?

He is not fulfilling your needs. You have tried to communicate that you want more sex. He rather watch porn and jerk off than make love to you.

My advice? End it and set up a payment plan for the money he helped you out with - to pay him back.

You two are just not compatible in the bedroom at all.

There is something going on with him that he is CHOOSING to not tell you. I don't think it's a coincident that he picked a fight and called you names after the sex. That was his way of telling you that HE DOESN'T want to have sex and hopefully you will stop asking for it.

While people's libido can go up and down over the years together - if you have always been the one initiating then there is a reason.

He either has a much lower sex-drive (which makes no sense if he is watching porn and jerking off) or he doesn't really like sex.

It's only going to go downhill from here.

You can accept that he doesn't want sex OR you can wish him well and find someone you are compatible with in and out of the bedroom.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (30 December 2017):

N91 agony auntAbsolutely not.

If your sex drives don't match its a perfectly acceptable reason to break up. You've talked about things and nothing has changed, what else can you do? He even went as far as calling you unsavoury names over it which shows a refusal to accept there's a problem for you guys and that no solution is in the near future.

The whole idea of being with someone is to feel loved and wanted by them. If they don't make you feel that way then why would you be with them? You're wasting your time with someone that you're on a different wavelength too.

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