A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is there any hope for our relationship?I had a wonderful relationship with my partner for the first 5 years, then in the fifth year I found out he'd been meeting up with an ex partner. They both swore nothing happened but they had met several times, in a few cases my partner had lied to me saying he was working late etc so he could see this woman. We worked through things but I did go through a stage of mistrust for about a month when I was very questioning of him. At one point when he told me he was going to a pub just down the road from this woman's house I did drive past to check she wasn't there - just as he was walking out of the pub and he saw me!Anyway we sat down and talked and worked things through and for the last 4 months things have been great. He's been out as much as normal and I do now feel I can trust him again, no questions or anything, things have been great.However yesterday he recieved a text from one of his friends inviting him out this Saturday. My partner replied saying he couldn't go as him and I have a wedding reception to attend. His friend replied saying 'tell her to stop being such a control freak and let you come out with us! All your friends are fed up of her controlling your life and checking up on you constantly. Ditch her, she's a paranoid control freak'My partner replied saying 'I know she's a bit controlling but you can't help who you love'I am livid. Yes, granted after I found him meeting with his ex I did go through a period of mistrust and I did question him but we sorted that and I genuinely don't question him/check up on him etc at all now, and havent for months. I spoke to him about it and he said his friends and family pretty much all hate me because of what I've done!!! It was him who was meeting his ex! Am I not allowed to be slightly mistrusting for a short while after? I don't know if our relationship can last with his friends and family hating me and blaming me for the problems we've had, especially when they're sending him messages like that!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): I reckon you have put up with enough. Remember that people only know what you tell them..... so who has been bitching about you behind your back to his friends?!!! Your boyfriend is disloyal to you - he would rather save his own face by half agreeing or conceding to the accusation that you are controlling than defend you. A man who you want in your life is one that will honour you and defend you in public and not allow people to slag you off like that - even if he does not agree with your actions - that is private between you and him. He is not mature. Eventually you have to ask yourself if you want to spend your life with a spineless, emotional cheater. I have experienced what you are / have and based on that I would leave without justification - he is a coward.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): I would not stay with him neither. He seems to enjoy all this. All he had to text back to his mate was sorry cant come with you as im going to a wedding. He didnt need to say anything like that your a bit controlling. Maybe its he that is controlling but maybe hes making you feel insecure and paronoid all the time so its making you act the way you are and he can then blame it on you to his family and friends. Reverse pyschology
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 HE was "in the wrong"... YOU found out and undertook to get some semblance of control - and loyalty/faithfulness from him - and his "friends" are claiming that he should ignore you as a "control freak??"????
"Sounds" to me like your "B/F" has a REAL LIFE decision to make; To be "loyal" to his "friends" (who don't think much of you... and can - predictably - be expected to interfere again, in the future) OR, to be loyal (and faithful) to YOU!!!!!
Incidentally.... I can't help but ask: IF you and he hadn't had the committment to go to the weding reception, would he have blown you off, after all???? The "answer" to that is most telling.....
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): If you choose to remain in your relationship, you have to roll with the punches. That includes taking the snide remarks from his buddies, the accusations and insults from his family, and his failure to come to your defense against any of it. Oh, and that innocent little side thing with his ex. That's just peachy!You've earned a controlling reputation with everyone in hiscorner. Can you guess who gave them all the goods on you to draw such a harsh conclusion? Why would they come to "hate" you?Who bad-mouthed you to everyone he knows?Is there nothing you can do to defend yourself?You've been tried and convicted. You're outnumbered and they've all ganged-up on you. What's up with that?According to your post, you caught him in a lie and you confronted him on it. His payback was to alienate you from everyone he knows; and isolate you and make you feel like a pariah around his family and friends. You're known as the bitchy controlling girlfriend. Is there more to the story?Where are your friends and family? Who's on your side?Who knows? Maybe everything said about you is true, and they've all even witnessed a lot to draw their own conclusions. People don't usually come to a general consensus about things; unless they have their own evidence to base it on. Perhaps all they've ever known about you is what they've seen. That happens when all they see is the dysfunction in your relationship, and little else. I'd say you have grounds to leave. Your love for this guy is just too strong for you to consider your own best interest and dignity. He means so much to you, that you're taking bullets from everyone he knows. He doesn't seem to be doing much to make them make you feel welcomed and accepted. He doesn't seem to protect you from all this. So I guess it all depends on how much of this you can take, before it crushes you.So what kind of advice are you looking for?If I were in your shoes. I'd disappear without a word to anyone. I'd leave them all with their negative opinions; and let him go back to his ex. Whom he's probably messing around with anyway. That's just me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): There is nothing wrong in you being a bit mistrusting, when he was actually seeing this ex secretly. If you both have moved on from that, I would ignore the banter of his friends. Tough this out, it will pass. However, make sure your partner knows that your fears were only natural and that openess and honesty are the only way forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): I think it will end cause of drama especially when family gets into it. I have been in a scenario like this everybody said ditch the witch cause it went way wrong in somes areas and it wasn't communicated properly about the state of the relationship. Everyone said I got the burn notice like the Tv show kind on usa. If you have trust issues that will cause a relationship to break down thats just what happens.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 December 2013):
What are you going to do about it? Your only two choices are break up or deal with it. So just deal with it.
It's common for people to vent their frustrations with their significant other when speaking to friends and family, and it obviously is very one sided, so it's no surprise that things like this happen.
I know that my wife's sister and best friend didn't like me very much when we were going through a rough patch last year. But, people have a short memory... Now that we're doing better, they're fine with me again.
So, it's certainly not the end of your relationship. That's something between the two of you and the two of you only. If he let's his friends opinion of you ruin things then they weren't worth saving in the first place.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 In this case, I feel when he spreads hate about you to family and friends, that's more heinous than lying about meeting his ex. You don't do that to a person you love. He couldn't help badmouthing you because he doesn't want to own up to his mistake. I am sure these people whom he confides in only hear his exaggerated version of the story. I don't blame you for wanting to end this.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 December 2013):
 The real problem isnt what his friends and family think. That doesnt matter at all. The real problem is that HE is the one who tells his family and friends you are like this and that. He is the one who feeds them these thoughts. He is the only one who, behind your back, undermines you. And he is the one who agrees when they start talking negatively about you, he continues to feed them the idea that he is some poor innocent man with a controlling gf.. Thats all your boyfriends work, my dear. I hope you will open your eyes to this.
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