A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My son's father has been dating me now for 15 years. We have seen turbulent times. He left me after the birth of our son and started seeing a coworker of his. This relationship lasted about 4 years. He denied it was anything more than a casual friendship, but did have intimacy ( minus penetration). Throughout the past 15 years we have always had sexual intimacy - even when he supposedly moved on) Fast forward to the present. Over the last 7 years he states that he loves me. He still works with this coworker. Last night I saw my boyfriend's last will and testament. It was lying on his kitchen table in a box (along with other documents and bills). He had named her, the coworker, as executor of his estate. I felt betrayed by this. He told me that his parents are deceased and she was the only one he could trust ( I do not get along with his oldest daughter) to fairly settle his estate. He named his oldest daughter as successor ( she has stolen my son' s coins from his coin collection and hates me. She is also highly irresponsible too.) The affair he had with his coworker years ago, shattered me. I thought she was out of our lives, only to see her named as executor, well I was flabbergasted to say the least. Am I overreacting? He says he loves me, but doesn't trust me to carry out his wishes after his death.
View related questions:
affair, co-worker Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 December 2013):
 Yes being an executor is a lot of work for almost no compensation. An executor can be anyone. It does not have to be a a friend or family member. An attorney can easily be appointed as an executor for anyone. So that’s BS on his part. I do not think there is an age for an executor as long as they are of legal adult age but a younger person would find it daunting I’m sure.
As to how you move on after 15 years… first you take as much time as you need to heal. Worrying about introducing strange men to your son is jumping the gun. You will need to take a long time to process this loss. 15 years is a long time. It may take you 3 years to heal and at that point your son will legally be an adult. Do not RUSH to have a relationship.
By all means if you want to be out and about and sexual with men, do it on your time away from home and there is no need to worry about your son meeting your dates as you would meet them somewhere else.
I get staying with the old and familiar.. it’s much easier than being alone and unsure and insecure. But you staying with him teaches your son that his treatment of women is acceptable. Is that what you want for your child?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again. No your right, being an executor sounds like a lot of work. I would be totally ok with the third party, but he was saying (or lying) that the atty who drew his will told him he NEEDED to appoint family or friend as executor and since his daughter is now 25 she would need to be 26 per this atty ( and this may be bs, don't know) and he couldn't trust me and this co worker is "trustworthy.". Although I would not agree with that as she entered into a relationship with him right after her husband died and shortly after I had given birth. Did not pursue anything legally over the coins with his daughter, as he told me he would take care of it ( which he didn't and that showed our son a lot!) How do you move on after 15 years? I am still a mom, don't like introducing strange new men to my son. It's hard to just leave someone that, yes, did awful things ( in my perception), but there is that level of comfort, too.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 December 2013):
 Trust me - you DO NOT WANT to be the executor of his will. That is an absolutely thankless job, and it's tedious and horrific and usually not worth the stipend you get for doing it, depending on what state you live in. My father just died, and I am the executor of his will, since my mom was iin no condition to do any of it. Just thinking about it makes my head ache, and I take no money from the estate to do it, as it's out of love for my mother.
He's a complete moron for having her be his executor. The executor should either be a third party like a bank or a professional or it should be a family member, like a wife, brother, sister, or child. You being his child's mom doesn't qualify you, in my opinion, unless your child was the only child, which it sounds like it's not.
As for his daughter stealing, do you have proof, and did she return the coins? I'd press charges if someone didn't return them or pay for the value.
You were a fool to take him back after he left you, and he's lying his head off if he said he "didn't penetrate". Some guys consider sex with a condom to be "didn't penetrate", and I don't believe it for a second. You're wasting your time with him. He should pay child support, but you're wasting away your life for a loser with no brain.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses (though difficult to hear, some of them). The daughter was 24 yrs old when she stole the coins, she was living with him as she goes from job to job, etc. it does bother me ALOT, that this woman (and no she doesn't have kids with him) would be administering MY son's inheritance from his father. I personally, don't want a dime of his money. Whoever referred to me as a doormat, well that's pretty perceptive (been told that before). Guess my self esteem needs a check up.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2013):
Not sure WHY you would want to be executor as that means you carry out his wishes. Yes there is a fee paid to you for doing it but it's a GIANT headache to administer a will.
usually the executor is someone you know that is not receiving anything in the will.
it sounds to me like you settle for being in a relationship with this man who has used you, abused you and continues to disrespect you.
Sadly you are not married to him so you have no say in his choices. but it sounds to me like he picked someone to take care of BOTH of his children.
after all you dislike his daughter and you say she hates you so neither of you would respect the other would you?
How about you consider that he's not you man (emotionally or otherwise) and you consider ending it with him now that you know that the person he trusts to take care of his children is in charge when he dies.
I think FOR HIM he did the right thing. YOU are not his concern his CHILDREN are. That alone should give you the strength you need to leave him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 December 2013):
 He should pick someone else, not someone he CHEATED on you with - I don't care if they had sex with penetration or not, he CHEATED on you with her for 4 years. So how he can think she would be LESS bias towards anyone (specially you, since he left her and went BACK to you) is ridiculous.
However, legally he has been "smart" to not marry you, because that means you have less legal rights to anything of his. As far as I know.( US law might be different.)
Also, if the things/money in the will are HIS (only) then he can PICK and CHOOSE whomever he likes. Whether YOU like it or not.
I have to agree with WiseOwlE - I bet it was NO coincidence that you "found" it either.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): In your heart do you really believe he never slept with a woman that is named as executor on his will? Do you believe this is all over?
You need to get some strength and leave the liar. Don't waste any more years on someone who is not committed to you and won't even ensure you are looked after once he is gone. If you were his one and only love you would either be on that will or married now.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (5 December 2013):
 NOT ONLY are you NOT "over-reacting"..... BUT ALSO you have proven to be a fool for the last 15 years... and give indications, herein, that you intend to continue doing so. Is there ANYTHING this creature can do to convince you that he considers you only his foot-wiping mat?
WHAT part of "this guy doesn't love you, and has been using you" do you not understand?
You and he have a child together!!! Many/most people consider that a rather sacred occurance that comes about between two people who have SOME feelings for - and "commitment to" - one-another. This character - your "man" - has clearly shown to you that he considers you an available - and not AT ALL demanding - sex partner... and he has no intention of becoming "your man."
The will thing cements it....
What more can I tell you that will convince you to get away from... stay away from... and NEVER PUT OUT for this creep EVER AGAIN!?!?!?!!??!?
Good luck....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2013): If you have a totally dysfunctional relationship apart from occasional sex. What kind of trust should there be? To this guy, you are the vessel that produced a child; and his occasional sex on the side. He left you for someone else. That wasn't enough to cut all ties with him, other than the check for child-support?If you left the bedroom door open and gave him access to your body, that was your choice. Now you see the error behind all of your poor choices. He had no credibility to start with. Did you really believe all this time that player loved you? You are a mature woman. You shouldn't be so naive.You allowed intimacy to continue with a man who left you for another woman; and wonder why he doesn't want to leave you in charge of his final wishes? Why should you even give a sh*t? He dumped you for his co-worker; and you feel betrayed over a piece of paper?This guy has never treated you as anything more than his baby's mama and a piece on the side. Now you have to be a drama queen; because he chose the woman he dumped you for, as his executrix? Are you serious!? If the coins were of any significant value, why didn't you file a police report? Accusations without proof don't mean squat. They should have been listed as a valuable item on your homeowner's insurance; if you own your home. You could have filed a burglary claim. Otherwise; get over the issue about the coins.In fact, get over all of this crazy bullsh*t! Live out your life in peace, minus all the drama. Kick his ass to the curb and get your act together, girlfriend!Now you finally see where you stand. If you have the luck to outlive the sonofabitch, you can dance on his grave. Seriously, do you think it was only by coincidence you found that will? What did you do to recently piss him off?
...............................
A
female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (5 December 2013):
Does he have a child with his co-worker? Well then I can see why he would think she is less biased than you.
Overall this entire relationship sounds unstable and unhealthy. I'd say it's best to move on than to try to untangle this drama.
Also, you don't sound too mature when it comes to his oldest daughter. How old was she when she stole coins from your son's collection? Perhaps it's time to let go of that grudge right now?
...............................
|
