A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I've seen a few posts in here about people who were taken the wrong way or who accidentally led guys on. It seems like most of you aunts and uncles think that flirting/hanging out one-on-one is leading a guy on (this happens to me ALL the time!) and that you have to be direct with themI get the direct thing but when do you bring that up? when you first meet the guy? The first time you hang out? When you start to think he likes you or someone says he does? And what do you say exactly without sounding like an arrogant bitch? "Hi, my name is Chelsey - oh, just in case you like me, I just want to be friends" When I've told guys I've been hanging out with that I just wanted to be friens after they ask me out, they pretty much avoid me and I lose them as a friend.I don't understand the problem, I mean shouldn't a boyfriend and girlfriend be friends anyway? And what if they don't want to date you, you've gained a friend and lost nothing. Why is it just so hard for guys to be just friends with girls? I know it's possible, but it seems like every time I make guy friends I lose them. And I don't know how to make female friends without feeling REALLY awkward about hanging out or asking them to hang out. And they usually turn me down anyway and act kinda cold after I invite them somewhere when they USED to be friendly with me.And what is wrong with flirting? I mean, part of the reason I LIKE being single is when I have a boyfriend they get REALLY upset when I talk to other guys (even as friends), I'm not ready to get too physical (it's REALLY uncomfortable for me), and I like to flirt! I can't do that if I have a boyfriend. But if I don't get to flirt while single, and I can't have male friends, I may as well just have a boyfriend.Can anyone answer these questions for me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): OP I didn't call you a slut, I was making a point that people may get the wrong idea about you if your flirting is non-stop and causing boys to get the wrong idea about your intentions.
People don't know how many boys you've kissed, how many you've slept with, but if all they see is you flirting then it's very possible they'll get the wrong idea and rumours will start or they'll be annoyed because you took all the attention of the boy they like.
OP talk to your parents about this. They know you better than anyone, and they can help you far better than strangers on the internet who don't know you.
OP, how is having no friends who want to be around you "fun"? You keep talking about how flirting is so much fun, but how is it fun if keeps pushing people away?
Do you not want to make deeper connections with people? Intellectual bonds that aren't all related to sexuality and flirting? Then you should treat people normally and not just objects of your fun.
I think masturbation is great fun, it's even more fun when you do it with other people, does that mean I can just whip out my willy any time I like and masturbate? No, because there's a time and place, and it would cause major issues for me if I did. Now flirting is very different of course, but the effect it is having is the same on your life.
When I said "fucking with people's feelings" that was just an over the top, harsh way of saying you're confusing boys and not allowing them to develop a bond with you because you're making everything romantic and about attracting them because of the flirting. You're making boys think with their penis and not with their brain.
The thing is, OP, this thing you think is so much "fun" is making your life more difficult, it's making you lonely, it's confusing you, and it's making it even harder to stop doing it because it's the only way you feel you can get attention from people.
Find another way of expressing yourself, do you flirt with your father, brothers or grandparents? I doubt it, just talk to people like you talk to them if you want to make real friendships that last.
You can still flirt, just flirt with safe people. Like a gay friend, or a female friend that's not gay, or a taxi driver taking your friends home or a bouncer.
As I said talk to your parents because you're fighting very hard to defend your "right" to flirt because it's "fun", but the more you talk about it the more it sounds like the only way you feel comfortable talking to people at all, especially guys.
You see as I said my wife is naturally flirty, it's who she is and I'm fine with it because it's not important to her at all, she has other ways of having fun and most importantly she's smart enough not to let it ever get in the way of her relationships.
Until you know how to do that, you need to tone it down. if it's really the only way you feel you can connect with people or get them to like you then it's even more important you speak to your parents, there's too many other good things about that people will be interested in you, and think you're fun for. And well if I'm wrong and you just don't see why you shouldn't do it because you find it fun, then just ignore us and keep going with it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): Original PosterMaureen1979 - Yeah. when I flirt it's mostly words, like I'm totally laughing really hard at everything they say or faces they make. And I want to call and talk about EVERYTHING with them because it's all really interesting. Then, it's like my wanting to flirt fades and I'm not interested anymore. So I feel bad about that (I do!) but I really don't touch boys at all while flirting unless I touch their arm or something and i'm pretty sure I don't flip my hairYouWish - i guess I get upset because I think other girls are flirting with someone and they're popular and pretty and no one expects them to be a girlfriend. Maybe you just have to be a certain person to do that, I don't know. And sexual attraction? YUK! I'm waiting until ... I don't know, theree's no one I want to kiss AT ALL let alone have sex withCerberus - "OP find another hobby that doesn't involve fucking with a person's feelings or acting like what girls your age probably think is a slut." wow. That really hurt my feelings! I'm actually really nice, most of the time I'm TOO nice and I get walked on because I don't speak up enough so I guess maybe I should just never talk - EVER and just let people walk on me? I mean, I'm really nice to where people walk on me so why would I WANT to hurt feelings? I HATE hurting feelings, I hate having to tell sales clerks "no" because I don't wnat to hurt feelings. So why do you think I fuck with people's feelings? AND I'M NOT INTERESTED IN SEX OR EVEN KISSING so how am I a slut?Thank you all so far, though. I didn't think just having fun should be so hard. I did get to ask this one girl why people always wanted to get me a boyfriend just because I flirted with a guy and she said, "To give you someone else to go bother." but I can't tell if she was serious or not so I just laughed
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (11 March 2014):
 Flirting is our way of letting someone know we're interested and available. If you do it with just about anyone how are people supposed to know when you're just playing and when you're really interested?
It's far from uncommon for someone to develop an attraction to someone they learn is attracted to them. Not always but it has been known to happen. Boyfriends and girlfriends know this as well as anyone which is why they don't like it. And there is nothing cute and playful about being rejected as 'just friends'.
It sounds like flirting is the only way you know how to make friends, but it's alienating you from women so all you're left with are men who think of you, not as a friend, but as potential (and not always in a good way). I think you should watch successful women and learn something from them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): How would you like it if a guy flirted with you, and then you got all happy and excited because you thought he liked you, but then you found out that he was just messing with you/being a jerk?
You DO have to be direct with guys. Otherwise, you are sending mixed signals, and that's just confusing for the guy. It's not nice to lead people on, OP...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 March 2014):
 I agree with Cerberus.
Flirting is an "art form" for those who know what they are doing, but even THEY can flirt with a person and THAT person mistakes it for desire/attraction and take it as a "come hither". Now add that you are ONLY 15 and have VERY little experience in THAT kind of social interaction, I think sticking to flirting with a guy you are interested in ONLY is the way to go. NOT flirt with people you want as friends. Guy will NOT see it as you being "friendly" but as an open invitation to HIT on you and WANT more from you.
These days being nice and be perceived as flirting for some, so it's ALL about being able to read the other person. Which again, you don't have much experience in, YET.
So I DO think you need to learn to control your URGE to flirt with any male with a pulse. It can so easily be seen as something else.
Like Cerberus said, tone it down. If you have a BF and HE gets upset then clearly your crossing some boundaries for what HE find socially acceptable, and maybe you KNOW you are too, but you ignore it because you are BASKING in the attention you get when flirting.
It's like everything else in life, think before you speak. Think before you act.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (11 March 2014):
 These are great answers starting to make me think that i flirt to much. i dont do it on purpose but maybe thats why some women dont like me.i agree with the responses for guys and girls to be friends it has to be a brother sister relationship.And brothers and sisters dont flirt except on the Lion King.ive never done anything with a true female friend that i wouldnt do with a sister but also it depends on how close the two people are what you can get away with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): OP flirting is the universal signal for "she likes me", depending on the level you're probably making them horny and stuff too, too hard for a guy just to be friends with a girl who is making him horny all the time and then he feels like you're a tease because when he makes a move you reject him. It's also why girls probably stay away from you, because you're inappropriate when it comes to flirting, other girls don't like teases either. No girl wants to see another flirt with their boyfriends or the guy they like etc.
OP it's simple, you either act the right way to have friends, boyfriends and girlfriends, or you keep being the girl that leads guys on only to reject them and the girl who boyfriends can't trust and girlfriends can't trust around their boyfriends.
Unfortunately for you, you just can't have it all your own way. I mean friends can flirt, but only after a long time of them being friends and being close anyway, if you're just flirting all the time then they don't see you as a friend, they see you as easy, a girl they have a chance with so they'll fake friendship to try and get with you.
Now you're 15, which means your social options are limited. The more guys you lead on, the more girls you piss off by flirting with their guys, the more people will have pissed off people telling them what you're like and you'll pretty soon just get a reputation as a tease or a slut and people will avoid you.
OP keep your flirting to a guy you like, and want as a boyfriend. There are social rules you must obey or you'll just alienate people. Flirting is a signal of interest in someone romantically, you're just leading guys on.
OP you'll eventually find a way of being flirtatious in a harmless, fun way that people don't mind. But until you figure that out you need to really cut back and find other ways of being fun. OP find another hobby that doesn't involve fucking with a person's feelings or acting like what girls your age probably think is a slut.
Op there's nothing wrong with being flirtatious, my wife is. But it takes time and skill to know who you can safely flirt with e.g. a gay friend, when you can, and what type of flirting is appropriate. So either do that or get a rep as the school tease or slut. Because some teenage boys will lie and say they've been with you to save face, OP, and you'll find it 100% impossible to kill a rumour like that when everyone sees you constantly all over boys.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 March 2014):
 Here's the problem with the logic that you should be able to flirt even though you just want to stay friends, and that's because platonic friends DO NOT flirt with each other. Let me be clear about this point. Platonic friends don't flirt, because flirting illicits sexual attraction. In this world, this would be called "mixed messages".
If you want a friend, you don't flirt, but talk and hang out and have a good time. But you don't jump into laps, make eyes at, touch on them, ask them for little favors, or anything else that flirts do any more than you'd do that with a girlfriend. That's what makes platonic, PLATONIC.
You're young, but if guys get really jealous, you're attracted to the wrong guys. And if by talking to other guys means you're flirting, then there's no wonder the guy you're with doesn't like it.
When I was younger, I flirted with guys I was attracted to. Some girls do it for ego - they flirt with all the guys for that special attention which feeds the ego. My question is, why do you need the male attention?
Stay single, but flirting conveys interest beyond friendship. Sorry, but those are the breaks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): Original Poster
janniepeg: that makes sense and I hope I'm doing the carefree flirting because I don't want to come across slutty or anything and I don't really want to hurt feelings. So I need to figure out how to know who its OK to do that with
WiseOwlE: I don't mean to be judgmental and I'm not homophobic at all, I just don't know any out gay people and I wouldn't care if they were. I just want to be able to have friends is all. And I am judging from my past history so not trying to judge people on purpose
iamHereToHelpYou: That makes sense, I guess Maybe I should just flirt with strangers because I don't mean to flirt with some of my guy friends, it just happens sometimes. And then when they end up liking me I feel bad. It's mostly where I don't want to to go "there" physically.
Abella: I think that makes sense, it's just hard to be me because most of the stuff I like is reading, computers, watching movies ... things you pretty much do alone but I was thinking it would be cool to try yoga or maybe the track team or something. I guess I do seem to desperate and sometimes I feel like the girls I approach think I'm trying to ask them out or something
thank all of you so far!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 March 2014):
 I think you are trying far too hard and that desperation is picked up by boys who find it intimidating.
One good way to become friends with guys is to first be a true friend to girls who have brother. Then the sister is more likely to put in a good word for you. Team-work can work for you.
At 15 it is too early to be sending out lots of flirting signals. Boys around your age at school don't need a relationship but are also ill-equipped to understand how to just be "friends" with girls.
Especially girls who are sending out "flirty" come hither invitations, even though you don't see the significance of flirting to a boy.
Boys around your age are packed with hormones that they don't know what to do with. Often they are unsure of themselves. Your flirting is probably causing some of the guys a level of consternation.
Just be yourself.
But don' t try to force a friendship. You have many years of dating ahead of you. There is no rush.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): You're over-think things and you harshly judge people.
Your bitter attitude about boys make it hard for you to like them, and for them to like you. You are too young to have serious relationships; but you try to think like a 25 year-old woman; and wonder why a 15 year-old boy doesn't understand you.
Chill out.
You are at the age that boys are going through puberty and not looking for girls as just "friends." They aren't exactly sure what to do with them at all. It's confusing. Their bodies are changing, their hormones are raging, and their minds can't keep up. You're already thinking like you've graduated with a master's degree in human relationships.
It would be less complicated; if you tried living within your own age-group, and stop trying to control how other people think. relax around people and lower the shields.
You want to find boys who just want to be friends with girls; are you too cool to befriend a boy who is gay? Or are you too judgmental about that too?
If you were as grown up as you think, you'd know that flirting is how you let people know you are attracted to them. You don't flirt with guys with whom you only want to make friends. If you send mixed signals you get confused responses.
You approach boys with your mind all made-up about how stupid they probably are. They sense your attitude, and just go the other way. You can't make friends with girls; because you're not friendly. You think everybody is stupid.
They don't get to like you; because you're too coarse.
When people don't come to you. You go to people. You join a club. You find something that you all have in-common, and you build on that. If someone smiles and says hi, smile back and say hi.
If you've always got a boyfriend, guys don't cross the line.
Boys prefer being friends with boys when they're in high school.
If they make friends with girls, it usually girls into gaming or sports. They can hang around with you, without upsetting a boyfriend.
You don't like what boys like, and don't talk about what they talk about. So your time should be spent with your boyfriend. Otherwise, why do you have one? He's not your husband. If you're not crazy about sex, you're not ready for a boyfriend, and need time to mature more.
As fore being "single." Seriously?!!!
Try just being a teenager; and everyone else will like you for it.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 March 2014):
 Guys don't want to be too direct with girls for fear of scaring them off so they rely on little signals and flirting is one of the signals that welcome more interaction. There are two types of flirting. One is carefree, you can do it with anyone like customers. You feel happy and you just want to show that you are desirable and let the other person know he is also desirable. The other kind of flirting is not as subtle and includes touching and sometimes when you talk it leads to sexual innuendo. Guys who like you wish that the flirting is the second type.
Maybe you are a natural flirt. But in a committed relationship it's wise to tone down the flirting to avoid trouble. There are men who want friendship with women but more likely they are the ones who enjoy being single just like you do. The ones who want to get with you probably don't want to be just your friend. You may have to be selective with who you flirt. Nothing wrong with flirting. It's just that some people take it wrong and you have to deal with rejecting that person.
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