A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI have a question about the way that men - especially men aged around 50 - express their emotions.I understand that, because of social conditioning, men and women may experience very similar emotional ranges but express them differently. Very broadly speaking I 'get' that men - especially older men who may have been brought up by fathers serving in the military and so on - sometimes either cannot express their emotions at all (although they feel them) so they will do something like go and listen to music and release emotion indirectly through the music. One thing that I am particularly puzzled by is when a man who may not be good at expressing his feelings will seem to be angry or even bullying on the outside but inside he is feeling very concerned and scared about a situation that he feels responsible for and protective about? Is this possible? I have seen men sometimes seem to be aggressive or highly insensitive to a person that they seem to be angry with but inside they care deeply and just feel very inadequate and like they are failing in their role of protector. Is this possible? I would really appreciate if men in particular could help to clear this up for me as I'm finding it hard to differentiate between when this happens and when a man is genuinely being abusive or angry. Thank you!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 March 2014):
 Anger is a feeling and I'd say that any man who can express that easily enough clearly has no problem expressing his feelings.
Bullying and the anger associated with it is NEVER caused by an inability to express protective feelings, but by a distinct LACK of such feelings.
Think about it. A man who feels protective of his children but believes he cannot safeguard them from his abusive wife does not then resort to knocking them about himself.
OP, you're applying the 'can't teach an old dog new tricks' philosophy to older men and assuming that because he was raised in a different era that he is set in his ways and can't learn anything new. Quite the opposite is true. Older people are far more open minded than younger folks because we've 'seen it all' and lived to tell the tale. Older men don't have the same bravado and they have far more experience with women. So if anyone is more likely to be able to express his feelings appropriately, it's an older man. So don't unnecessary allowances for them.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 March 2014):
 When a man is genuinely being abusive or angry doesn't mean he doesn't know how to express his feeling.
But there is also NO excuse for being a bully or abusive. It's a choice.
My advice, don't MIX work with romance. You two didn't pan out, it happens - no matter how complicated you THINK the reason for this "fatal" mistake or misunderstanding is - it happened and there are times where you just can't go back to how it was. The fact that you feel a stronger loyalty to a family member over * whatever issue* means you can't really resovel this with him, not would I try - he has moved on to another co-worker who is actively seeking him too.
Be professional at work, if you want a man in your life, look outside work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): Hi this is the OP.The backstory to this question is very complicated and impossible for me to go into in detail. Let's just say that a man and I came very close to falling in love in a way that neither of us had experienced before. A fatal, massive misunderstanding occurred and he must have thought that my feelings were not sincere. I can completely understand why. Circumstances meant that we both tried to numb ourselves towards one another. It was clear to me already that he finds it difficult to show his feelings but he has an incredibly caring and sensitive side but can seem cold until you know him. It became clear he did not trust me as he had done previously, although he remained respectful to me because of what he had felt. There was absolutely no way that I could tell him what had happened to cause the misunderstanding. For reasons of loyalty to a family member I was not able to discuss the truth with him because it would have meant betraying a very vulnerable family member. He tried to distance himself and I felt powerless, but I also know, for sure, that his feelings never really went away. This went on for about three or four years. A long time of agony. My health and my work suffered and I remained loyal to this family member, which he knew nothing about.Recently something happened and it was like the truth just decided of its own accord to explode into our lives. It just came to light what had happened. The misunderstanding, and all its many implications, was cleared up leaving no doubt whatsoever that I had been falling in love with him and not only that, but the reason for the misunderstanding and why I couldn't tell him became crystal clear and honorable. When this happened and he realised his mistake, I've never seen anyone so visibly moved or shocked. It had been incredibly difficult for him to try to distance himself from me so he was now faced with having to re-engage with all of those feelings that he'd packed away.You'd think that it would be easy but the problem is that we now work together - he is now my boss, which he wasn't before - and I have to get through an incredibly complex assignment which we both know could cause me major problems if I don't complete. It's not something that I can work with someone else on. A colleague knows of the situation and she and I both feel that he is now battling with guilt and feelings that he failed me in the past by not trusting me - but I can't see how anyone could have unless they were a mind reader. In terms of this new assignment, she reckons that he feels under enormous pressure not to let me down again so is trying to behave professional AND recover all of his feelings that he had for me before, but that he was so hurt that it's confusing. When the truth came out it was as if someone had literally punched him many times over. I watched as the implication of it, and what we'd lost out on, sank in. By this time he was already my boss and it came out at work, so our communication was and remains blocked to some extent.I am around four years younger than him but look much younger. There is another woman - I think around 17 years younger than him - who has taken a liking to him and who is very capable at work. I get upset when I see him with her as he is obviously fond of her and she is making a play for him. With me it's like I get this mix of extreme sensitivity and care but, when things start to possibly go wrong on the assignment, he becomes professional and cold. To me it did feel slightly bullying, but I know that this is because I was in an abusive relationship some years ago and it really affected my sensitivity to anyone behaving in what seems like a dominant manner - man or woman. My friend says that it's not that he doesn't feel empathy or anything else, but that he has been trained not to show it.I don't know what to do. I don't want to 'lose' him again, even though he never really was mine first time around. It is breaking my heart watching this younger woman make a play for him - I can't tell how far his affections go. He is divorced with kids and I don't think wants any more. I have a child grown up. This younger woman is also, I know, bisexual. But I think he feels on safe ground with her because she is so accomplished at work that he can talk a lot about that. With me, it's like no matter what I do these days I take him out of his comfort zone emotionally and whilst he may feel a hell of a lot I can understand that he may want someone who seems safe and steady. I feel like the attraction between us is still there but he won't let his feelings out because of the assignment and because he needs to be absolutely sure about his feelings and what he wants so that he doesn't hurt me again. I know this sounds incredibly complex and maybe that's enough to put off any man anyway. You don't have to advise me about it but please don't be cruel.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 March 2014):
 Why, is there a pressing need to differentiate ?!
Who cares if a guy is really angry and abusive, or if he ONLY acts as angry, aggressive, abusive , threatening, bossy overbearing bullying on the outside...... but inside , in the depth of his heart, he is actually soft like a marshmallow and tender like a newborn kitty ?....
What counts and matters is that, for whatever reason of his that he can sort out with his shrink ( fathers in the military, generational problem with expression emotions, etc. ) he is acting in an inappropriate, unacceptable and demeaning way of which a sensible woman wants no part.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 March 2014):
 A man could have problems with expressing emotions but
but
but
but
but
but
that does not give him the 'pass' to abuse someone by being a bully
a bully or
a bully
or abusive
or an abuser
….
if you are trying to explain away why he's being abusive or bullying, then it is time to move on!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): I was about to reply to this question & then I read what wise owl had written. Thank you for both for asking & replying.
No more needs be said x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): It takes a lifetime to create the tough armor that our dad's, society, and women expect us to have.
Then we have to do everything to keep our emotional armor
thick enough to hold up under different conditions. It must not be penetrated by sorrow, grief, losing a competition,
bullies, a lost bet, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, broken-hearts, chick-movies, or puppies run-over by buses. We have to stop clinging to our mommies as soon as we are able to walk.
Men are expected to be strong and brave. Not weak and emotional. I am gay, so I won't go the nine-yards with machismo and stereotypical male-behavior. That's all fake.
I mean being truly mentally and physically strong. We have to make our families feel protected and safe. We have to be the rock, when everyone else is falling left and right. Our comrades at arms need us to stand firm and brave in the face of death. Prepare to take a bullet for them, and to sacrifice our own lives to save those we love and admire.
Women bear all these traits. So it takes some of the wind out of our sails. Stereotypes prevail.
Those are heavy demands. So you have to fake it. You act pissed off to keep from bursting into tears, and crying
hysterically. We would otherwise stomp and fall down on the ground screaming and kicking like a little boy throwing a tantrum; if we didn't put a fist through the wall.
Our dads are embarrassed when we seem weepy and weak. He also thinks in terms of how he expects his sons to take his place should anything happen to him. We may have to take over a family business, or care for our mother and siblings unexpectedly. We bear his family-name, and he doesn't want it associated with weakness. Puny boys have weak genes.
So we are conditioned even from baby boys to be tough, fend off tears, and not be pushed around. Hide your feelings and be a man at all times.
It is reinforced everyday of our lives by our peers, females, employers, and society. Women do everything they can to emasculate and degrade men they feel to be weak and sappy. They are totally unkind to them. They turn them down for dates, and write DearCupid about them.
They reject guys they feel too soft or delicate. If she looks over during a romantic comedy and notices he is crying more than she is, she thinks he's gay!
Being accused of being gay is the main reason men around 50 won't express emotion. They stereotype us to be like women in every way. It's all stupid and untrue. They don't know who's gay unless we tell them. They may have had their macho asses pulled out of fire by gay firemen, they'd never know it. We are supposed to be weak, girlish, and emotional.
Yeah, right!!!!
This conditioning carries over, and if you are of the old-school teaching not to be a sissy. So, anything that threatens to penetrate your armor; and might make you cry and expose your feelings, pisses you off.
Ironically, I see the same behavior even in effeminate men. They reach that point when you can't get to their soft-side and they will get totally pissed off. They are referred to as a bitch; but the behavior is aggression. No man wants to be seen as week and vulnerable to attack. Even if he's wearing heels and carrying a Gucci bag. I've seen unbelievable strength and aggression in these guys. They cry crocodile tears for dramatics; and will floor your ass in a skinny-minute. They hide their male-side for the sake of female-illusion; suppress tears to be the ultimate bitch. When dad's around, they run for the nearest closet!
Least of all, we men don't want to be manipulated by our emotions or controlled by them. We are not wired to be as emotional as a female. There are men who are openly emotional and don't mind crying or showing their feelings.
They are by no means weak. They don't fall for the stereotypes; and don't really worry about opinions concerning their masculinity. It's when they are too weepy and too wimpy. That's a bit over-the-top and bordering on neurotic, even for women.
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