A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Why do so many married women cheat? I don't know if this is just a function of where I live (Southern California), but it seems like the majority of women I know well have cheated at some point on their husbands. These range from a few women who cheat regularly, to those who have just had a few rough nights where maybe they have a heavy groping session in a club or someones car but not full blown sex. And still there are other women Whom I don't know well enough to be privy as to whether they cheat, but they flirt like crazy. My own wife has not cheated that I know, but twice over our 20 year relationship has admitted to having "emotional affairs" with work colleagues. (both of these I discovered after they had ended). Really, the only women I know who have not cheated in some way are our friends who are very religious, or, sorry to be so crude, are unattractive so perhaps do not have many opportunities.The men? I really don't know any who have. Perhaps they keep it more secret, and women have a need to talk about it. But, I think I would hear at least some of it...I have to admit, this is making me have a somewhat negative view of women. I have always been a guy who considers and treats women friends no different than my guy friends. Never really went for the "guys only trip" thing, or never allowing women in on our poker game, or said no girls to the superbowl party! But perhaps I am the fool who has given women more credit than deserved, or at least was mistaken in assuming they are just the same as men - better stated - that we are all the same. Now I am not so sure. All the wives seem to greatly prefer "girls trips.", have multiple girls nights each month (their "wine club" the "movie crew" "new restaurant night." The overwhelming majority have cheated to varying degrees.What gives. Should I really start thinking of you all, and treating you all, as different. It seems in today's world, or at least where I live, the new motto should be "well girls WILL be girls". Meaning cheating, flirting, partying...is this really just the way the vast majority of women are (untrustworthy cheats and party girls)? Perhaps it has always been this way, but girls never had the opportunity or freedom to express who they really are deep inside - not devoted wives, but party girls ready to do whatever for male attention (from anyone but their spouse, of course)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2010): I doubt one gender cheats very much more than the other. Maybe men cheat a little more physically and women cheat a little more emotionally. But I doubt the differences between men and women's numbers are really that great. These days both genders have a lot of opportunities to cheat. IMO that probably does more to shape people's habits than the social acceptability of it. I do think women are better at justifying their cheating. Women are usually more verbal, etc, and they do tend to excuse their flaws in more eloquent ways than men do. That's why with men it's more like "animal instincts" etc. But these days it seems like men's "animal instincts" are much less accepted than in the past while women's "moments of weakness" still have better chances at being forgiven. I agree the current situation has gotten lopsided in women's favor.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (21 July 2010):
 A women who cheats is considered a whore, slut, and is judge very harshly by her friends, family and others, we do leave in a sexist society therefore it will always look worst for a women to cheat than a man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your responses. they are very interesting. It appears the circumstances I am experiencing here may be a little different than elsewhere. It is true that the majority of women I know well enough to be privy to such information have cheated (sex) or come very close (kissing/groping, etc) on their husbands at some point in their marriages. It seems close to 100% have expressed having some sort of strong sexual/emotional feelings for another man (crushes, emotional affairs). For my age group, most of these women have been married 10-15 years.
Where do I get my information from? Well they all confide in each other during all these girls only events, and my wife tells me. Now, I don't tell anyone else, like their husbands, except for expressing this here anonymously
The men? Maybe you are all right and they are equally cheating. If so, they must do it in a different way - secretively and just for sex. It is true that guys would not talk about this to anyone, because they would be judged a scumbag. women, it seems, almost have a victim status that allows them to cheat w/o judgement because they are being denied something they need or deserve in their relationships.
woman: "He is emotionally unavailable and works all the time, I was not fulfilled or happy, so I tested the waters". This is apparently socially acceptable and does not make her a "bad person.". or, "he just gave me so much attention and complemented me, and made me feel sexy, which my husband rarely ever does.". Again, socially acceptable b/c she is being neglected, e.g. It's the husbands fault.
man: "my wife is uninterested in having sex except maybe once a month and then only missionary with the lights off" or, "she has gained 80 lbs since being pregers and makes no effort to excercise, etc. And is no longer attractive to me, So I had a one night stand with a hot..." The man is a pig, who is turning his back on his family to indulge his base instincts
So, if both sexes are doing it, maybe the women feel they can talk about it w/o being labelled a horrible person. The men cannot reveal what they have done, w/o being ostracized as completely immoral. Which leads me back to my original premise: whereas men were expected to cheat some years ago (see the TV Mad Men)' the tables have turned, and it is now socially acceptable for women to cheat, if Thayer are being denied something they want out of the marriage.
Don't get me wrong, I find it immoral either way. I am just trying to hypothesize why I have heard about virtually all the women I know well having some sort of extramarital sexual attachment/affair, but none of the men...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): Dear friend
1) Actually it is other way round. Most of men and women do not cheat. It is just that few do and they gets noticed.
2) Also if you take world, only developed countries have infidelity approved socially and morals have gone down in USA, UK and other developed world in last 50 to 100 years. I come from Hindu faith and in India here it is complete honesty. NO cheating, no divorces. No love fades and all that.. So branding all wemens and men will be bad. Similarly in all asian and muslim countries, it is not acceptable socially.
3) I feel west's liberal divorce laws and more individualism and more material wealth has given rise to this situation. Just 3 generations back and situation was completely opposite.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 Work made me miss this one but I'm enjoying it.
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (21 July 2010):
 I think this is entirely a function of where you live. I am a midwestern, and there are married women who cheat, most of these types are hot party girls and get their self esteem from the attention of men and they use their sexuality to control men, it's mostly a power trip, and low character.
By far more men cheat in the midwest in my opinion, and that is because they think they are missing out on all this sex that all these "people" are having, or low character or narcissistic personality disorder.
There was a study done about a year ago on entering college freshman to measure how narcissistic they were and compared them to the same questionnaire given to students 20 years earlier. Almost 80% of these entering college freshman measured high enough on narcissism to be considered having a personality disorder..and the women were only slightly less in numbers than the men. You have to conclude that narcissism is on the rise in our society. Actually, Hollywood is largely to blame.
I don't mean to be rude, but I was in customer service for a Bank for over a year and our campaign or service area was California, Kansas, Missouri, Colorado, Michigan, Ohio, and by far the rudest most entitled customers to deal with were the Californians. I could tell where they were from by their word choices, their "tone" and their sense of superiority and entitlement, also they were obviously more neurotic and stressed.
So, I think where you live breeds that narcissism...and the party, bar crowd are the absolute worst....
You mentioned that unattractive people have less opportunity. Don't count on it, many people cheat who are pretty unattractive, it has more to do with feeling entitled to do whatever they damn well please without regards to the consequences or whom they might hurt in the end.
Choose better friends, base it on values and character and forget all the superficial BS and you will have a different view of the world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2010): No, they're not. Some may be, some never would be. Same goes for males. Depends on a zillion factors. I suspect the incidence of female cheating in Afghanistan or Iran would be low to non-existent. Southern California may be somewhat different.
Cultural factors make monogamy an absolute virtue and unfaithfulness an absolute no-go in some societies, and relatively acceptable to the point of commonplace in others. Wife A in Kabul or Teheran (if she feels the urge to cheat as a result of a massive sexual attracton to a man who's not her husband) is in a position where she will be stoned to death and damned for all time to burn in hell as an adulteress if she gets lusty with another man. Wife B in Santa Monica or Dublin or London is in a position where as long as she's smart and discreet about it, there are no adverse consequences at all apart from a maybe a spot of guilt, so the Benefits vs Risks situation is a lot easier to negotiate, and even if she's stupidly careless about it, the worst that can happen is her husband or kids find out and her family collapses as a result. Maybe not nice for those directly affected, but definitely a lot less of a deterrent in the heat of the moment than the prospect of being stoned to death.
Husband A in Saudi Arabia can probably have as many mistresses as he wants to, with no fear at all of societal disapproval. Husband B is in essentially the exact same position as Wife B: anything goes in practise if you can get away with it and are inclined to, but the moral law within should still apply, and few people will judge him kindly if he fucks around on his wife and family.
Basically one of the joys of living in a free society is that people are left to their own conscience, their own morality, and their own sense of right and wrong to guide their actions.
Globally, I would have no doubt that the general imbalance of gender equality and subservient position of women in huge chunks of the planet means they're FAR less likely to cheat than their male counterparts. In wealthy Western liberal-capitalist societies, the playing field evened out years ago, and while I'm obviously working on a hunch and couldn't possibly produce figures, I would say the idea that females cheat more than males, or that males cheat more than females, is ridiculous and wouldn't stand up to any scrutiny.
You're clearly stung by something that's happened to you, and you're projecting your hurt and outrage onto an entire 50% of the population, ascribing base motives to people you've never met and don't know. Don't go down that road! I'm sure there are loads of really really sweet women you'll meet if you give them a chance and don't get all embittered before you've even got to know them.
I would agree that direct experience of/proximity to female infidelity by anyone significant in your life may imbue you with a sub-conscious view that 'they're all faithless sluts' which you'll need to work on and dismiss as the traumatised bullshit it is. The important thing is to recognise that your response is a completely knee-jerk reaction specific to whatever's happened to you, and not at all cause to damn an entire 50% of the population, and every bit as silly as a female in your position asking 'Why do all men cheat?'
No, not all women cheat. Yes, some do. No, not all men cheat. Yes, some do. Men cheat on women, men cheat on men, women cheat on women, women cheat on men. Millions and millions of people, male and female, don't cheat and never would.
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female
reader, HollieMc +, writes (20 July 2010):
 Well, perhaps the lady is "lacking something" as you later posted. But you really do not know what happens behind closed doors, or even when just strangers are around., It could be a bad relationship and no one else knows. They may and most likely do love the person they are with, but do have doubts for some reason. Maybe they are not given the attention they feel they need, or the man doesn't treat her well. I think those who often cheating while being in a serious relationship is doing more of a "test the waters" kind.In other words, the lady is seeing if she is truly in love with the man she is with, and if this guy she is using to cheat with will make her more happy, care for her more, treat her more loving, etc. than the man she is married to, or in a relationship with.However, like you said, some do just like the attention, and they enjoy the thrill of having someone new, and not the "same old same old"Which those ladies, i guess, would be considered one which is "lacking something in the relationship" I can say I occasionally enjoy getting told i look nice, beautiful etc by men, but Often it makes me uncomfortable because i would prefer my fiance telling me those things, however if i feel i do not hear it enough im sure i would appreciate hearing compliments and getting THAT kind of attention from a another man, but i would never take it to the extent of cheating. More as a "you look nice, " and thank you, type of attention.And you are surely correct. Many many of my friends do cheat on their boyfriends and husbands, though some do not. But it is much less who don't.At the same time i know MANY men who cheat as well. And i only know this because they asked ME to be their "mistress"! Otherwise I would have never thought those men would be cheaters. Which leads me to believe men are bad also, but they do keep things secret. Whereas a girl has to talk, or just wants to talk and or brag (as do men) but i think a girl does talk more usually. Both sides do cheat just as much I believe, men just are more secretive about their activities. Men do not want to get caught, and woman are confident they will not get caught, so they are not afraid to mingle about it..Also, the woman could have been cheated on previously in the relationship and she was trying to retaliate. or she is just not the relationship type. And they are wasting their boyfriend/husband's time.cheating is unfortunate either way it goes. Especially if the cheat(e) knows that the man or woman is already in a relationship!!! I believe that person is more wrong than anyone. I can relate:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): well how come men treat us like we are their door mats that they simply wipe their feet on and how come men are so cool when they cheat but we are no good when we do i have not cheated on my husband yet even though i have had opportunity but he cheated on me a many a time so i think its all according to the woman or the man and what kind of person they are ...ps all sexes cheat
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Sadly, I think both sexes have become as bad as each other in terms of cheating on their partner/spouse. Certainly, in the last year I have noticed cheating has really mushroomed out of control. Three marriages of people I know broke up within a matter of months last year, all of them due to one of the party cheating. In two of the three cases it was the man cheating. All of them were in long term marriages, two of them over 20 years, and all of them were the least likely of all the people I knew who I thought it would happen to.
I have to say I have never cheated on a man in my life and would never dream of doing such a thing.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2010):
 Gosh, my observation of the people around me is the opposite. It's the men who cheat in greater numbers. In my non-statistically significant local sample, 4 marriages ending in divorce, 3 of them caused by the man cheating. Those are the marriages that ended. Now there are marriages that are intact and again, it's pretty obvious that the men seem to me to be the ones who are looking.
When I traveled for work, my male colleagues were the ones I observed trying to pick up women. The female colleagues were not interested in 'hooking up' with anyone. Obviously not all the men, mind you, just a couple of serial cheaters. I would get hit on all the time at conferences by guys I knew, and I knew they were married. It was kind of gross. I finally realized that I needed to cultivate and 'ice princess' image to keep them from bothering me. An occasional one would miss all the cues and try. I knew I had succeeded in my image rehab, though, when a male colleague fended off another guy who was obviously trying to hit on me. "She's not that kind of girl." I was single, by the way.
The women I know either do not tell me about their infidelities or they simply aren't interested in cheating. We don't live in LA, so maybe your sample has a statistically higher number of narcissistic women who feel entitled to cheat and who do it to make themselves feel sexier? I don't know.
So basically, my experience and observation is the opposite of yours. I don't have a negative view of men overall, however. I have a negative view of the few cheaters who obviously were basically so into themselves that they thought it was okay to follow the 50 mile rule.
Maybe you're hanging with the party crowd where the vibe is more like high school or drunken fraternity parties? A lot of emphasis and importance is placed on appearances and having things. I know groups like that near me, and I hear about some of their parties. Houses with stripper poles and big fancy bars in the basements. Now THAT group is notorious for infidelities on the part of both sexes.
I think this may be a case of you finding what you are looking for.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 July 2010):
 I think it has to do with the fact that women CAN cheat and not be stamped with the scarlet letter. Men has had that privilege for centuries.
I also think because a LOT of women marry for the wrong reasons and therefor end up with the wrong guy. If there are children involved is it harder for women to walk away from the marriage then it is for a man, mostly because traditionally women get custody and primarily raises the children. Lazy married ladies might think it's easier" to have a little "something " on the side, whenever they feel neglected..
Of course that is all generalized ideas. Why people actually cheat I have yet to really understand.
I'm not an unattractive or religious person, but I have never cheated, Been married 13 years. Dated 4 (incl. hubby) men since I was 19. I was raised by parents but with morals and values, I guess. I have no problem asking or getting attention from my husband.
I have no inclination of ever cheating. I have however been cheated on. It's not a nice feeling.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 July 2010):
Don't have those ones. I only put the others on there because there was so much contradictory evidence going around. Though it has been suggested that women are more open to emotional affairs, I don't have any numbers.
To the OP's reply though, I would guess all people have affairs because there is something missing. Money and 'seeming' to have everything don't always mean that everyone's happy. You'd need to know more about the marriage in which women cheat and why. And of course, sometimes you just get the bad apples who cheat and cheat because of the thrill, or because they just don't give a damn.
Is it a woman's prerogative to cheat? Not with me, that's for sure. I've been cheated on once. If it happens again, I'd just ditch a person who cheated. I don't have time for it. Perhaps the problem is that we're becoming too accepting?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): those stats are for affairs... i bet you a dollar that emotional affair stats are much much higher...and i would also guess that the stats for emotional affairs among women are HIGHER than among men...Caringguy do you have those?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): No they are not. I wouldnt look at any other man. There are names for the type you mention.
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (20 July 2010):
"It almost seems as though it is a given at some point that your wife will cheat on you, or come very close"
If a PERSON is going to cheat, its going to be because they like the attention, they are looking for a thrill, they feel lonely, they feel unloved, they don't feel happy in their marriage, there could be a lot of reason why a person cheats but just being a married women does not make a given that she will cheat.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (20 July 2010):
Raiders - to say that the "men are the cheaters in our society" is IMO a short sighted statement. For every man who's cheating, there is a woman who is facilitating it, and in most cases they know what they are doing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, so the hyperbole with which I posed my question has offended. What I really meant to ask is just simply why so many married women cheat (not how come men are better than women). I guess I just don't understand what would make all of these women do this, when, for the most part, they seem to be married to decent people and are enjoying a good quality of life together. It almost seems as though it is a given at some point that your wife will cheat on you, or come very close. A lot of the guys don't even know. The cheating is more of an exciting and brief fling for the women, and apparently acceptable because their wife's bad behavior is almost always condoned becausebthere is "something lacking in the relationship". years ago it was expected that a man would cheat at some point, and all a wife could do is hope that it wasn't very often and that her husband was discrete about it. Clearly, that is no longer the case, and men who cheat are considered very poorly. Are we coming full circle? Is cheating now to be expected as a women's prerogative?
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female
reader, raiders +, writes (20 July 2010):
To generalize that all married women cheat is just an absurd argument. I simply can not believe that you only heard about the female cheaters and not about the cheating men. The fact is that a lot of married men cheat, now I'm I going to generalize by saying that all man cheat NO I'm not because it just senseless to have this mentality, but it has been known that men are the cheater in our society.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 July 2010):
I believe the numbers go like this. Appox 49% of men cheat, compared to 33%-40% of women.
More men cheat, but more it's always more noticeable in women. I also think that you are surrounded by cheats and bad people. It happens. It might also explain why she's had two emotional affairs. Birds of a feather flock together, as the old saying goes.
Don't think all women are like that. I know some great women who haven't cheated. I know some who have, as I know some guys have as well.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 July 2010):
 More married men cheat than women according to several surveys, actually. You seem to have surrounded yourself with dishonest people, but married men still cheat more than women do. Really everyone has the capability to cheat. Lots of people cheat. It's definitely not MORE prevalent among women.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): I'm really sorry about your wife's behaviour. Clearly, it has been extremely hurtful for you to find out about these emotional affairs, especially as you only became aware of both after the event. That must make you feel very hurt and very mistrustful for the future.
However, I think you should be a bit careful about generalizing regarding all women. Let's look at your own data for a second. You observe many married women of your acquaintance having affairs (of various kinds). However, unless you happen to know an exceptionally large number of closeted lesbians, that also means that there are an exceptionally large number of men who are prepared to cheat with a married woman also! And that is a fact that reflects well on neither men nor women.
I do not believe that one can generalize about an entire gender. You don't need me to tell you this, but statements starting 'all men are...' or 'all women are...' are invariably reductive and unnuanced responses that come more from pain and personal hurt than fact. It makes me sad to think that you are in that place right now because I know only too well how it feels. I have also, in my darkest hours, thought similar things about the incapacity of men to commit to one woman for their entire lives. But please do not give up hope. There are many women out there who are loyal, faithful, and attractive, just as there are many men like yourself who are capable of sustaining life-long monogamous relationships given half a chance!
Perhaps you and your wife simply need to reconnect. It can be easy, under pressure of work, busy social lives, and family commitments, to take one another for granted. Perhaps she can cut back on her all-female social nights a little to spend more romantic time with you, which might also give you the opportunity to go that little extra mile to make her feel super-special by cooking for her when she doesn't expect it, or purchasing her a small, surprise gift. to let her know what a special lady she is. Clearly, your wife never took these emotional affairs to the physical level, so she has some boundaries, some sense that her marriage is important, and quite a lot of respect for you. The fact that she has also confessed both affairs suggests to me that she wants things to work and is trying to create a culture of openness between you. Given that, you may be able to re-establish trust and closeness again between you, though it will take some adjustments and compromises on both sides. I hope that you can both find your way through what must be a very difficult situation. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Okay so for a start men are as bad as women... There are just certain types of PEOPLE who want more attention and that don't see cheating as that bad. If this is how people are in your area and you live in attention seeker central and feel like you don't fit in... Move away.The normal question would be what drives women to cheat?! ...
Judging by the fact that you just made a massive immature sweeping generalisation you might want to try growing up if your blaming women for some lack of relationships due to them cheating, because they probably do it to you cos they need someone mentally older than about 16
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male
reader, TimmD +, writes (20 July 2010):
 It's the area and the type of people you are around. Women are no more prone to cheat than men are. In fact, I'd say men are more likely to cheat on women as a whole. But in the end I believe it comes down to upbringing and society (more specifically a community).
That was just an entirely long way of saying the same thing q1605 said. Get out of there....
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 July 2010):
 It can't be like you say. If all married women cheat - they are cheating with men, right ? And how come all these
co-cheaters would be only single guys ? Never a married guy, an engaged guy ?... Just not statistically possible.
Well, of course , you live in Southern California, we all know about cabana boys and unemployed actors/valet parkers, which would supply abundant fresh meat for the hunger of these feisty married amazons. But they can't be all married woman-single man affairs - my hunch is that at least half if not more of the cheating wives cheat with married men .
I think that men are just much better at covering their tracks. Women like to flaunt things- whether it is a new pair of shoes, or a new lover.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): It goes like this, you're really just surrounded by the disloyal people. I have never cheated on my husband and I am neither religious nor unattractive. However, I do have a lot of friends who have. A lot of male and female friends who have. There are people who cheat and people who don't. You just haven't looked hard enough if you haven't found the ones that don't.
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