A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I just want to begin by saying I trust my boyfriend totally. We have been together 9 months and he has never given me a reason to doubt him. I am not generally a jealous person when it comes to boyfriends.There's a girl who is in the same circle of friends as my boyfriend. All his friends have been very welcoming to me and we go out the the pub or out to meals with all of them from time to time. Apart from this girl, she ignores me totally, whenever I have said hello to her, it's as if I'm invisible. She's only done it once in front of my boyfriend, to which he got very angry. He is the happy go lucky type, he's polite to everyone even if he doesn't particularly like them, and in this case it makes me a little angry, as he hasn't stuck up for me with her.(Just so you don't think he has a problem sticking up for me, he had a row with 2 of his best male friends over me, who felt that he has spent less time with them since he got with me, and he took my side over theirs)When I am out with my boyfriend and this girl is around, she steers clear of us pretty much. But if he is out and I'm elsewhere, I will hear from various people that she's all over him. He does push her away and tells her to stop it, but it really bothers me that she does this when I'm not there. Even though he pushes her away, I feel I am being made to look like a fool.The main reason I don't trust her is the fast she has slept with 3 of her closest friends' boyfriends in the past years (since she became single from a 4 year relationship). And she continues to flirt with these guys, and others, often in front of their girlfriends (who have all stayed with these guys despite!).I don't want to confront her as I don't want to create a huge scene, and I also don't want her to know she has got to me. I have spoken to my boyfriend about how it bothers me, and he says he understands, as he himself is quite jealous and wouldn't like a guy all over me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Honestly, I would have talk to her one on one with your boyfriend there to back you up. If he understands I think its safe for both of you to confront her and say you would appreciate it if she wasn't so "forward". It doesn't have to big in front of everyone, just you three. I think if you aren't willing to do, he at least needs to let her know he isn't interested. If she continues he can just give her the whatever attitude, (I'm sure he is devoted and just brushes it off), but if it were me, I would tell her to her face she needs to quit it. Also, if its bad and just keeps going, maybe you should take to your bf about breaking off the connection between her. If he cares, I'm sure its nothing to him. It doesn't mean he can't hang with his friends, but if he knows she is going to be around, maybe he can arrange another time with his friends without her.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (27 July 2010):
 The more you let this woman get under your skin the more power you give her. While you cannot control circumstances you can certainly control your response to circumstances.
You and your guy sound like a couple who could go the distance. If this is to be a long term relationship there will be many "tests" along the way - this woman's lack of respect for boundaries is the first of many tests in the coming years.
Good luck and take care!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 July 2010):
 It comes down to one thing. Trust.
If you trust your BF everything is OK. She can hit on him all she wants but if you trust him, you also trust him to do the right thing.
I honestly would talk to him tell him how you feel about her. It's OK to be a little insecure now and then, but I would NOT make a big deal drama out of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): honestly, you need to set this girl straight, i understand what you mean by not wanting to cause a scene, no one would, but like it's been mentioned in other answers, you don't have to cause a scene to talk to her about it, you don't have to seem paniced by her, act calm and cool and prove you're the better, more mature woman.
you may not like this girl, but if you speak to her, put on an oscar winning performance and be as sweet and angelic as you can be, what can she say you've done if you've acted in all kindness and fairness? she sounds like someone in desperate need of a chastity belt and i'm betting that everyone knows what she's like and will quite happily defend you.
your guy is clearly loyal to you, so be careful that you don't pressure him to much with it and don't get paranoid. just deal with her in private and be the most perfect gf you can be for your man. it's seems clear that you outshine this girl in every way in his eyes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Wow, what an awkward situation to find yourself in. This woman sounds desperately insecure and immature. She clearly seeks validation from the men around her on a fairly constant basis. It's unusual to hear of such behaviour from a woman in her late 20s: normally girls have grown out of such behaviour by the time they exit their teens. Obviously, her behaviour is completely out of line, but it sounds like she is a bit troubled. The question is, what do you do about it?
It sounds to me as though your boyfriend has done everything he can to try to make this stop without being absolutely explicit about it with her. I think you're right to want to avoid a huge scene about it - you don't want to come away looking jealous or insecure, or to create social tensions in the group. And really, this woman sounds as though she deserves your pity, not your scorn - she's not with any of the guys she's flirting with, but clearly has a constant need for male attention and affirmation.
There are two possible strategies here. The first (and by far the easiest) is to sit your boyfriend down and explain how inappropriate you find this behaviour. Don't accuse him of anything (he hasn't done anything wrong!) but let him see that this is hurting you. I have little doubt that he will agree with you about the existence of a problem - it sounds like her attentions are very unwelcome, but that he's not the type to get involved in confrontations on the whole (which is generally a good thing). Tell him that you want to develop a strategy together for managing the situation, and explain that you are willing to have words with this girl yourself if it doesn't stop (see below). However, explain that you think it would be kinder and more pleasant for HER if this came from him. Ask him to have a quiet and sympathetic word with her. He can explain that he finds her attentions very flattering (softening the blow), but also very uncomfortable because he is with you and not interested in flirting with anyone else. He can then say that he thinks it's best for both of them if such behaviour ceases - making it clear that he can be there for her as a listener and a friend, but not for anything more physical. If she continues to behave flirtatiously when they are out, he can gently push her away and ask her very seriously to remember this conversation. Drawing firm boundaries like this is probably the quickest and least hurtful way of solving the problem. I know this is embarrassing for him, but it's really the kindest and most sensitive way of getting her to back off.
If that's not a possibility, and this really bothers you, consider inviting this woman for a coffee. Explain that you'd like to get to know her better. When she is there, say that you have something you would like to discuss with her but that it is a bit delicate and difficult to bring up. Make it clear that you are not looking to hurt her feelings (and be sincere about that!). Explain that there is an issue concerning her that that people in your social group are talking about and that you would like to talk to her about this face to face so that the behind-her-back conversations can stop, but that you are worried about hurting her feelings. Then ask her if it's OK for you to proceed and tell her more. (I know that's a very long preamble to the conversation, but the point is to win her permission, psychologically speaking, to talk about a delicate subject.)
She'll almost certainly give you the green light, and then you can tell her that several of the women in your group are concerned about her behaviour on one or two occasions with 'taken' guys when out on the town and that some of them have been considering confronting her about this. Make it clear that you are having this conversation to avoid such a scene, because you don't want any unpleasantness. Tell her that, on top of this, you're worried about her, and wanted to ask her if she was OK because the flirtations seemed to indicate someone who was a bit unhappy. You need to be really careful not to seem accusatory and horrible, instead you're looking for super-kind and super-understanding. Give her time and space to talk about this if she wants to. Even if she gets angry and defensive, make sure that you stay calm.
I hope that one of these strategies works for you! It's a horrible situation to find yourself in. On the upside, though, it sounds as if your boyfriend really cares about you and actually isn't interested in this woman - so props for finding a faithful and loyal guy! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): You have answered your own question really.
If your not willing to talk to this girl then there is nothing more you can do. You've spoken to your boyfriend and he understands but there is nothing much he can do about it other than keep telling her its unacceptable to throw her self at him all the time and keep telling her no and pushing her away.
I think shes insecure and the fact that she keeps going for guys with girlfriends knowingly is disgusting!
If i were you i wouldn't nag your boyfriend about it because you look like the baddy! Just be the most amazing best super girlfriend you can be so that he is never even tempted by her irritating attempts to bag him.
And then id have a word with this girl in private so your not causing a scene. And be extra extra sweet and nice to her so she cant say you were having a go. Just say that a few people have told you that when your not there she is all over your boyfriend and that you know it could be rumors but you have been told a few times and rather than jump to conclusions you would like to let her explane first (like a nice person) and that you feel that she is distant from you compared to your boyfriends other mates and you just dont want any trouble and would love to be friends (like a sweet loving girlfriend just trying to make her boyfriend happy) and you will find that she will respond 1 of 2 ways.
1. She will be lovely and it will of been a big misunderstanding and you will hug and make up and it will be fine...
Or
2. She will be an absolute Bi*ch with you and you will then have to tell her that you and your boyfriend and all his mates know what shes like and what shes up to and that if she wants to make a fool of herself by keep acting that way then feel free as you and your boyfriend think shes a joke and all his mates are watching her anyway so anything she does will get back to you and it just makes you and your boyfriend closer!!
:) and if all else fales... Knock a Bi*ch up!! :) xxx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 July 2010):
 As long as your boyfriend is truly brushing her off and giving her zero encouragement, I think she'll get message sooner or later. However if he kind of likes the attention and she knows it, she'll just keep it up. Time will tell.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy boyfriend is good looking and treats me very well, he does get attention from females which I don't mind, I find it quite a compliment actually :)
I guess I just wanted some advice on the situation, or someone's point of view who might have been in the same situation, or maybe I just wanted to vent. I don't think it will make me bitter or jealous as it's not taking up a large chunk of my brain space thinking about it...It's just a bit annoying when you feel another girl is purposely trying to destroy your relationship or make you look stupid...Thanks for all the replies :)
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (27 July 2010):
I have to disagree with NiceGurl. There is only so much a person can do. It's not as if he can hit her to make her stop flirting with him. You started out by saying you trust your boyfriend totally. So I'm not clear on what the issue is. Maybe the issue is that she infuriates you? That's on you. If you have yourself a good man, there's always going to be someone hoping to get with him. Just learn to accept it, I guess. Otherwise you'll just let her turn you into an angry, jealous person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe does it to all the guys in the group, there's nothing particular about my boyfriend really, he does't let her because he's pushing her off, she gets off on the attention and wants (I think) in particular a guy with a girlfriend to flirt back so she can feel empowered, seeing as she has slept with 3 of her (so-called) best friends' boyfriends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Trust her? How about trust him!
There's a reason why she continues to hang on him. He can talk all day about pushing her off him, he is allowing it!
Trust her? No. This is about trusting him. She does it because he lets her.
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