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... Send *ev Conolly a private message | | | *ev Conolly's profile:I'm female, 44 and raised in the western US. I was married first at age 17, which I realised soon after was a rather large mistake! We divorced seven years later, then I travelled around the world, settling in Australia. I met my husband here and we've been together for 18 years, married for 14. I feel much more Australian than I ever felt American.
I wish I knew a lot more about everything than I do, but at least I have a lot of experience at making poor choices in life and correcting them later. That's why I like to provide advice when it's asked for.
As to my pictorial representation... I play the bagpipes. Badly, to be sure, but the best thing about the pipes is, almost no one can tell you don't have any skill!
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He might be married, and he's older than me, but I just click with a manager at work!
Q. I have a real issue with a manager guy who is based in another department at work. I never get to see him that much but when I do, I really get the impression that he quite enjoys engaging in quite intense conversation. The fact we seem to clic...
A. 11 August 2005: The reason that it's driving you nuts is that you don't know anything. You're guessing and second-guessing your guesses.
You don't even know if he's married? Heaven sakes, woman. I'd suggest that, far from being emotionally intimate, you've b... (read in full...)
Will my boyfriend leave me to go back to his pregnant ex?
Q. Hi. Me and my boyfriend have been together for one month and we are engagged. I found out recently that his ex is Pregnant with his kid. At first I thought he was having an affair but she is two months gone. I'm scared that if she keeps it will he ...
A. 11 August 2005: I'd like to make some observations about your problem.
First, why are earth are you engaged after being together with your boyfriend for only a month? What's the rush? Have you ever heard that old adage "Marry in haste, repent at leisure"... (read in full...)
I invited him to the prom, but just as a friend! What if he thinks I'm interested romantically?
Q. help!!! I asked this guy to my prom, just as a friend. I have no feelings for him and there's no way I'd go out with him. But people think he likes me and I'm really worried about how it will go on the night because he obviously thinks that sin...
A. 10 August 2005: You say that you have "no feelings for him" and there's "no way" you'd go out with him, but you ARE going out with him, in arguably one of the most important dates of the high-school calendar.
He could be forgiven for misunderstanding your mot... (read in full...)
Just getting interested in boys, but I couldn't stand anyone to know!
Q. I am 14 years old and have never been interested in having a b/f, even though all my friends have had one. But since I started high school 2 years ago I've started making lots of friends, boys and girls. Whenever I'm around some boys I always f...
A. 10 August 2005: When you're around boys that you have a crush on, or that you might be interested in, the secret is to treat them exactly the same as you do your boy friends. You say that you have both boys and girls as friends. That's great. Don't treat the new ... (read in full...)
My fantasies have me thinking I might be a lesbian...
Q. I recently started to think I might be gay- when I masturbate I always think about girls- either me and another girl or just two other girls. I've had one lesbian experience about 2 years ago but it was just a drunken laugh and I wasn't attracted to ...
A. 10 August 2005: Remember that your fantasies don't always reflect your actual sexual desires. Most people know that they have one or two (many a lot of) "secret" fantasies that they find deliciously erotic, but that they have no intention of acting on. Because ... (read in full...)
Rather than argue and sort out our problems, my boyfriend wants to ignore them until they go away.
Q. I've known my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We've only been in a relationship for 8 months. We love each other dearly and even though we've been through some things we are always there for each other. My problem is that whenever we have a problem ...
A. 10 August 2005: It sounds like your boyfriend was so anxious when his parents argued that his response was to tune it all out and ignore it. Now that's his reaction whenever there's a chance of an argument anywhere. It's not healthy, and it's not constructive.
... (read in full...)
This dog is MY man's best friend. He says I'm just jealous of her...
Q. Hi, My boyfriend is a good man and I love him very much but he isn't one for affection until it comes to his dog (female). I am not exagerating when I write that he constantly kisses her, smells her, while letting out a mmmmmmmmm, and saying ...
A. 8 August 2005: You're not crazy. You're just competing for his attentions.
I know this situation probably strikes you as a bit odd, maybe even whiffs a little of creepy unnaturalness, but if you put aside for a moment that the "third party" in your relation... (read in full...)
He wants to move in together, with his brother in the spare room!
Q. My boyfriend wants me to move in with him and I don't know what to do. He owns a 2 bedroom flat and rents out 1 of the bedrooms to his brother. It's run down needs a complete overhaul - messy, dirty, damp and has a leaky roof that I'm sure will have ...
A. 8 August 2005: Danger, Will Robinson!
This guy doesn't want to move in with you in the traditional, "shacking up" sense of the phrase. He doesn't appear to have any intention of being a romantic unit making a home together with you. He wants you to subsidis... (read in full...)
I don't know how to tell if she fancies me!
Q. hi I'm a eleven year old boy who's deeply in love with this girl. We are going out but I dont know if she really fancies me. Somebody please tell me how I can tell! ...
A. 8 August 2005: If she's going out with you, you can be pretty reassured that she likes you. If she didn't like you, she wouldn't spend time with you. Sorry, but there's no magical symbol that appears in the air when a girl's interested. You just have to take it on ... (read in full...)
My cousin kicked and hit me after punching my mother. What can I do?
Q. I have a big problem. My family have three members. One is me. Another is my mother. The other is a cousin that has a bad habit. He is a man but I am a woman. He always disputes with my mother. Last week, when my mother and he violently disputed, he ...
A. 8 August 2005: You sound scared by your cousin, and that's terrible. No one should have to live scared in their own home!
What you can - and should - do is call the police. Your mother should let your cousin know that if there is the slightest chance that he ... (read in full...)
Help! Mum is so overprotective that I can't even talk to her about boys...
Q. Hi! my mum is too protective! what can i do?? My name is Kelly and I am 15 years old. I have a lovely mum when it comes to most situations, but she is over protective when it comes to boys. She dreads me getting a boyfriend until I finish all of ...
A. 7 August 2005: Hi Kelly,
It actually sounds like you have a great relationship with your mum; you should be proud of that, because a large fraction of young women your age can't, or won't, discuss any aspect of their lives with their parents. The fact that you... (read in full...)
Does she like me? Is she shy? Or have I got it wrong?
Q. For nearly 2 months now I have got the impression that a girl that works in a seperate building at my work place likes me. I am a very shy guy, 23 and have never been able to get over this shyness and find it hard to trust my instincts. I have never ...
A. 7 August 2005: I'm sorry, but I don't see what you're seeing. It looks more to me like the co-workers of this woman think it's "funny" to try to couple you up.
Yes, it's cruel to mess about with other people's emotions, but there it is.
The thing that you'v... (read in full...)
I'm not shy. I'm happy to ask girls out, but what do I actually SAY?
Q. Right, let me explain my situation; I'm 17, living in England, and never had girlfriend. Up until the last year or so of course I've been interested, though this hasn't really bothered me, but since I went to college and met friends that hav...
A. 7 August 2005: First of all, there's nothing "only" about meeting girls (and possible girlfriends) through friends. At least your friends know who you are and what kind of girl you're likely to get along with, therefore the type of girl you might possibly be ... (read in full...)
All the boys just want to have sex, but I'm scared I'll get pregnant...
Q. I am 15 and I usually have boyfriends all the time but lately all they want to do is have sex. I am still a virgin and I wanna do it but I'm scared I will get pregnant. I have been fingered before. Help me, what should I do? Plus all my friends are ...
A. 6 August 2005: Hi there hon,
Surprise! "All" your friends *aren't* having sex. This is the world's most widely-promulgated myth, and is somehow, amazingly, believed by every generation of teens about their peers.
What your friends are doing is SAYING that t... (read in full...)
She wants to be my girlfriend, but I don't care for her that way...
Q. I've known that my friend loves me so much and wants to be my girlfriend, but I don't love her at that way...What can I do next?...
A. 6 August 2005: Be honest as soon as you can, and don't let her get any false hopes. I'm not saying that you should be brutal! Be as kind as you can (imagine yourself in a similar situation when you speak to her), but let her know that the feelings you have are ... (read in full...)
There's an age difference and he has a fiancee. Even so, should I tell him how I feel?
Q. I'm 15 and I'm in love with my ex-music teacher! He's 25 and has a fiancee (she hates me)! I recently moved schools but we were really close! We'd talk for hours about his life and mine, our views on politics, which kinds of music we like, what our...
A. 4 August 2005: Irish is 100% correct. It's not just the age difference, it's also the fact that he's already engaged, the fact that you're a minor in the eyes of the law and the taboo aspects of the teacher-student relationship. This is just not ever going to ... (read in full...)
How can I improve the relationship with my father?
Q. Dear Cupid, I have a serious problem with my father. He is a cynic who believes that nothing good can happen to him or his family (including me). So whenever I am happy about something or try to do novel things, he just scorns it and expresses hi...
A. 4 August 2005: Your style of writing and your mature outlook suggests to me that you've over the age of majority. Therefore my first suggestion is to give your father some distance. I submit that it's time to move out of the family home and to stop relying on your ... (read in full...)
Should I try being a secret admirer and send this girl a gift?
Q. I have a problem. I like this girl at my school. Over the past first week of sumer holidays I keep thinking about talking to her and asking her out, or keeping my identity secret and sending her love letters. But unfortunatley I'm not the most ...
A. 4 August 2005: Think about it this way: if you send her gifts and letters anonymously, how is she going to know who to be thrilled with? And if your gestures win her over, how is she going to know who she's falling for? Any guy could claim credit for your ideas, ... (read in full...)
First he wants me, then he wants me to leave. It's hard to feel secure in this relationship!
Q. Okay, I am confused and not sure if anyone can understand this. I love my boyfriend very much. I have had enough relationships in the past that have broken down, some of them have been abusive. I often ended up with mismatched males really but...
A. 4 August 2005: Listen to your insticts, hon. If this guy is such a control freak this early in your relationship, what's he going to be like when he lets his guard down? Yeesh!
If you have low self-esteem it's sometimes hard to remember this, but listen and thin... (read in full...)
I'm interested in someone else, but I don't want to risk what I have with my current boyfriend...
Q. I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend now for over 5 years. We are very settled and live together and have pets. We get along well enough - the spark is definely gone and we constantly have little fights, but overall we're pr...
A. 4 August 2005: So, let's recap: you're attracted to, have flirted with and "fooled around" with someone else that you've been interested in for years...but you don't want to risk following up on that, in case you lose the endless bickering and unfulfilling ... (read in full...)
We had a fling and that's over, but now we're scheduled to go on a business trip together...
Q. Hi, I really need your help. I'm about to go on a business trip with someone I had a brief fling with. The affair is over because I'm married. The thing is, I don't know how to face the other person because I still have feelings for him. I don't ...
A. 3 August 2005: You have to face up to The Fling Guy before the trip. You don't have to tell him that you still have feelings for him - that's a no-brainer, because you're married now and you made those solemn wedding vows - but you have to speak to him and clear ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend confuses me by acting sweet and thoughtful sometimes, then just using me for sex other times...
Q. I hate my boyfriend- I think he is using me. We see each other a couple of times a week, but he is so busy that he sometimes he just calls after his day is over and then I go to his place or he comes to my place and we have sex. We have NO intimacy ...
A. 3 August 2005: Yes, he IS using you. The question you need to be asking is, why do you allow it?
From the sound of your letter, it seems that this man - his behaviour isn't that of a "boyfriend" - doesn't regard you very highly. He's after the sex-with... (read in full...)
Love meeting guys, but I get so nervous before dates that I sometimes even cancel!
Q. I would love Bev to answer this please, and of course anyone else willing to help. I am a 17 year old girl and I need some advice. I have no trouble meeting guys and getting asked out on dates; however when it actually comes to these dates I ...
A. 1 August 2005: Have you tried to step back and analyse why you get so nervous? What's it really about? What's your mental "worst case scenario"?
I suggest that you're anxious out of insecurity about some aspect of your personality and/or have mild-to-... (read in full...)
My fiancee has asked for 3 breaks in five months. He wants freedom but he wants me, too!
Q. My fiancee and I have been engaged for 5 months. About 3 times now, he has asked me for a break in our relationship. I always reluctantly let him, but the day after he does this he always wants me back. He wants to marry me and live a stable life, ...
A. 31 July 2005: I agree with both Becky and Irish49, and am only weighing in as a third opinion to make it unanimous.
If your fiance keeps breaking up with you then coming back, he really doesn't know what he wants. He's definitely not ready for marriage if he ca... (read in full...)
Do I tell my co-worker the way I feel and hope she'll leave her boyfriend for me?
Q. Six months ago my office hired a new administrative assistant. She is very beautiful and we hit it off great. As we got to know each other, I realized she was not just a pretty face, but that she had a great personality too. We talk on the phon...
A. 31 July 2005: Try to stay realistic: you can't "make" something happen. You know that, right? She's either interested - in which case it becomes a mutual decision - or she's not, in which case you do your best to accept that it's not going to happen.
If yo... (read in full...)
Seems like my internet bloke only has time for sex. Is this going anywhere?
Q. Hi, I just got into a relationship with a bloke I met on the internet. We've met about 5 times but chat every day either on the PC or the phone. I really like him, but am getting mixed signals from him. He says he wants to try and make a go of it...
A. 31 July 2005: Unless there's something in your interaction with him that's not in your letter, the only Relationship that you have with this guy is a sexual one.
I don't see where you're getting "mixed signals" from him at all. You meet, you have sex, you go y... (read in full...)
Never took the chance with the girl when I could have. Can't help thinking "what if...?"
Q. I fell in love with a girl a few years ago, she knew I liked her a lot, and we were good friends. I felt she liked me a little too, but she was with a guy, and she was happy with him. One day she came in upset, crying her eyes out; her boyfriend ...
A. 30 July 2005: Go the snail-mail route, if you have her postal address. This keeps you from being perceived as too stalkerish. Get a blank greeting card with a beautiful photo of some sort and write her a short letter, saying that you were sorry to hear that she'd ... (read in full...)
He says he loves me... but does he mean it?
Q. I have a boyfriend who tells me he loves me all the time in person and over the phone, etc. The problem is when he says it in person to me he never looks me in the face. What does this mean? I would think someone whould look you in the face if ...
A. 30 July 2005: Consider this: telling someone that you love them is pretty tough. There's a potential for being laughed at or rejected or being told you're being silly... and all that without even considering that the person you're telling it to might not believe ... (read in full...)
He slept with his ex when he was away. Is that cheating, or not?
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. He had a previous relationship that was on and off for 7 years. I am completely in love with him, and if he asked, I'd marry him. The problem is that he has been across the country for the past...
A. 30 July 2005: No, you're right about this and your boyfriend is wrong.
Sleeping with his ex is cheating, no ifs, ands or buts. He's trying to get off on a technicality, being that they were together for years, but that doesn't wash with me, and it shouldn'... (read in full...)
Should I keep dreaming of my guy in Canada, or go with the guy-next-door?
Q. Hello, I met this boy over the internet. He is the same age as me and he is everything I ever dreamed of. He is honest, he makes me smile, we have a lot in common but not too much, otherwise that would get boring. The only bad thing is he lives in...
A. 30 July 2005: It sounds like you've already made your mind up, doesn't it?
My suggestion is that you don't make a commitment with either one. You're obviously really young, so why do anything to tie yourself to any guy right now? Why not enjoy "Fred" for his ... (read in full...)
What's your opinion of my plan to meet my online guy?
Q. Dear Friends, I have been talking with this guy I meet online for almost 8 months. We talk online and on the phone, it has become a habit for us to talk daily. I have very strong feelings for him and we only live about 2 hours apart. I love him, I k...
A. 28 July 2005: Anyone who's been around this forum for more than about 5 minutes will know that I'm the first to urge caution, and the first to see the worst in any situation. So here we go.
There's potential here for danger, and the very fact that you're s... (read in full...)
We hit it off so well, but she's leaving in November...
Q. Hi, I'm 23 and I met this girl a few months ago. We hit it off straight away and have been on on quite a few dates since (we've had such a great time on them all) were into all the same things and to top it all off she's smart funny and soooo ...
A. 28 July 2005: So, it's pretty obvious that she's getting to like you. Why not bring up the matter of her departure soon and discuss how you might solve the communication problem.
Pops is right. Between webcams, text, email, snail mail, and rock-bottom airfares... (read in full...)
My younger partner wants to go out with his friends when I can't! I worry that he'll find someone else...
Q. I am very much in love with my partner who is 11 years younger than me. We have been together for over two years! He is only 19, but mature for his age. I don't know what to do though, as he has started to go out all of the time with his friends,...
A. 27 July 2005: The short answer? You should be tolerant. He's not doing anything wrong or unexpected for a man his age.
The longer one? As a woman of 30, you'll find it easy to remember what it was like to be a newly-fledged adult! You should have expected... (read in full...)
Not confident with girls and I get so mad when I see other guys dating the girl I like!
Q. This girl I like, I have liked her for years. But she is 2 years younger than me. (I'm 15) I was gonna ask her out but then my mate who lives near me did, so I let it happen and he went out with her 3 times. (broke up 3 - asked her out again 3 ...
A. 27 July 2005: Question: What are your mates doing, that you're not doing?
This isn't a brain teaser!
What they're doing, is asking the girl out. Sheesh, that was easy.
Your letter suggests that you've been standing around, watching other guys dati... (read in full...)
I got drunk and did something totally out of character for me...
Q. I have always been the biggest "goody two shoes" in my school. I recently graduated from high school and after I did I tried my first bit of alcohol. Later in the summer I went to the beach with a bunch of my friends. All of them have ahd sexual ...
A. 26 July 2005: There's a couple of issues here that you seem to have missed:
First, you were raped. Have you considered that this guy took advantage of your drunkenness and forced himself on you? That's date rape by any definition, and I think you should r... (read in full...)
What did she mean by her whispered message, as I was leaving?
Q. After about a month of dating see each other on every weekend for three weeks, (We live close - about 20 mins - to each other. We email, talk on the phone from time to time. She is a quiet person) then she invites me over to her place on Monday ...
A. 26 July 2005: Writing as a woman aged 43 with no kids (yup, really), I'd say you missed a chance for some phone sex.
My impression of her whisperings was that she was sorry that you were leaving after a passionate weekend and was suggesting you give her a ri... (read in full...)
His idea of "let's be friends" seems to include some fringe benefits...
Q. Me and this guy have been fooling around for a couple months now. I really really like him and he claims to like me too but says that be doesn't want a girlfriend. He'll say "let's just be friends" and then 10 minutes later we are back to fooling ...
A. 26 July 2005: Let's put it this way: if a visitor from another planet wanted to understand the concepts of "friends with benefits" and "bootycall", I'd steer his little green head straight to your letter.
He's taking, you're giving. I wouldn't even classify... (read in full...)
My girl broke up because she swears she can "feel it in her gut" that I cheated, but I didn't!
Q. I am not sure what to do! I am real sad! My girlfriend told me that she can NEVER trust me and therefore broke up with me. She keeps accusing me of having cheated on her, but I NEVER did! She knew when we met that I have a very friendly personal...
A. 26 July 2005: Your girl is blaming you for her insecurity. This is really common - especially with young women! - but that doesn't make it right. And that doesn't make it something that's worth your effort in dealing with.
I tend to agree with some of the answ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend got cold and distant over our relationship, and now he blames my "hot temper" for the break up...
Q. I was in a relationship for about a year and 2 months and my boyfriend and I were to be married in June. During this relationship he moved in with me and in mid September 2004 I noticed my boyfriend was in a depression, moody, anxious and somewhat...
A. 25 July 2005: Yes, I do think there could be a pyschological problem. I'm not a medical practitioner, but I have 7 years of first-hand experience living with an undiagnosed schizophrenic, and your boyfriend is displaying all the same symptoms of my ex-husband.
... (read in full...)
My boyfriend is sweet and caring, but he really ogles other women!
Q. My boyfriend is genuinely sweet and caring, but when it comes to looking at other girls he makes me feel really uncomfortable. The last episode was yesterday when we were on the train and he saw this girl sitting with her boyfriend in a short skirt. ...
A. 25 July 2005: This is one of those situations where you can both adjust your expectations a little and - hopefully! - you meet in the middle.
First, your boyfriend. Have you explained (kindly, and without whining, demanding or nagging) how his obvious drooling... (read in full...)
My wife takes the reins of every project and I feel left out!
Q. Hello everybody My wife of 6+ years is a tomboy to the extent that she wants to do almost everything around the house. From painting the house to electric stuff. My problem is that I don't feel good about myself because I feel that I should be ...
A. 24 July 2005: Two problems I can see from your letter. First, is that you're feeling bad about yourself because you have the notion that it's the "man's job" to do DIY projects. It doesn't have to be that way; it's probably more accurate to say that it's the job ... (read in full...)
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