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female
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anonymous
writes: Okay, I am confused and not sure if anyone can understand this.I love my boyfriend very much. I have had enough relationships in the past that have broken down, some of them have been abusive.I often ended up with mismatched males really but the guy I am with now is my intellectual equal, if not more so.The problem is I feel like I'm in some kind of sailing boat, up and down. One minute I feel secure with him, the next not. I know I have low self esteem but I am desperately scared of getting hurt.If we have an argument, he can get quite angry and wants me not around, to be quiet. Sometimes it does feel like walking on eggshells, not sure what to expect.Other times he can be so warm and loving. He is a perfectionist and appears to be committed to our relationship, yet he has views on some things that contradict this almost. I think if he was on his own and he had the chance, he would be quite a tart!Perhaps this is why I feel insecure. I worry that Im not enough for him, not intelligent enough, pretty enough.How do I stop myself from thinking that he doesn't want me around?
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female
reader, Ask MiMi +, writes (5 August 2005):
You cannot stop yourself for feeling like he doesn't want you around unless you know that he wants you around! Considering the statement you made about having low self-esteem, you are the one allowing yourself to be treated in that manner. Please don't find me harsh, but when someone has low self esteem, it comes across to others clost to them unconscienciously. You boyfriend knows that you are not very confident and he probably thinks that you don't have it in you to leave him, so he believes he can treat you in any way that pleases him. Also it sounds to me like he has a problem with himself also. He seems to be conflicted with himself over his feeling for you (I could be wrong). He seems to vicillate between loving you and not liking you and also, you said he is a perfectionist and people who are perfectionist are usually difficult to please (I know because I am one)but this does not give him the license to be mean to you at times. It is up to you to stop him from treating you in this manner. You deserve to have stability in your life. Even if you don't believe this right now, you DESERVE BETTER! Work on building your self esteem (trying looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself "I AM BEAUTIFUL", "I AM UNIQUE" everyday until you begin to believe it) and when you do, you should notice a change in his attitude (and the attitude of others) towards you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2005): First of all, you need to start silencing that internal critic inside yourself, accept your faults, emphasize your good traits and start believing in yourself. The healthy, confident woman assumes responsibility for her life. Become a self-helper..not so much an other-helper. If you assume responsibility for improving your life, if you learn to have more control over your life, and if you put in time and efforts, you will love yourself. Go for it.
Learn to look out for YOU and demand respect from those in your life..you deserve it. Have a talk with that insensitive man who is sucking the life energy out of you. Tell him..you resent how he treats you..no man should ever do this to you. Fight back and save yourself, get strong. If he doesn't get his act together..go onto a happier life. Guys like this are "emotional sadists"-they love indulging in mental torture, which is ultimately more hurtful to you and he is very aware of what he is doing.
You do realize he is a destructive type of male who compulsively destroys whatever is good in a partner.They pick at, nag & strip the pride and confidence of the person they are supposed to love, support and cherish.
He needs to know that you aren't afraid of ever being alone, because in reality, you are alone now..he's not there for you. Stand up for yourself. You will feel scared but also invigorated and powerful. Talk to close friends or family who will support you. Concentrate on your work, your life of renewal, your friendships and take it day by day. Time to become somebody else - somebody who doesn't put up with this rubbish.
Take a self-esteem course and a Assertive Training class..do anything to make you feel strong and in control of your own life. I wish you well, hun...be strong and love yourself!
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (4 August 2005):
 Listen to your insticts, hon. If this guy is such a control freak this early in your relationship, what's he going to be like when he lets his guard down? Yeesh!
If you have low self-esteem it's sometimes hard to remember this, but listen and think about this: the way a relationship progresses, the way it succeeds or fails, is not completely dependant on YOU. It's a partnership, and the other party can be at fault too.
This is one of those cases where you're not necessarily to blame.
By insisting that you play by his "rules" - by telling you when and where you may be, what you can say, when you can contradict him, when you may speak - he's wearing down what self confidence you do have, so that he can run roughshod over you later on. He's probably not aware that he's doing it, by the way; my hunch is he's always been this way and he's used to people doing what he tells them. (Since he's not emperor of the planet, this is not a healthy attitude for him to have.)
I'm also attracted to men who are my intellectual equal (or superior), so I know what it feels like to worry that you're not pretty enough or smart enough to keep him interested, but you need to un-learn what you've picked up in past relationships: namely, that you're always at fault for any failures, because you're not attractive/smart/clever/sexy etc enough.
Loving relationships start with admiration, respect and sexual chemistry. They develop and progress from there. But what I see in your description fits more the mould of an eager-to-please puppy and an incompetent master. You're trying hard, but he's busy swatting you away. That's hardly an equal footing to build a future on!
Please take my advice and cut this one short. There are other men in the world than this guy. I feel confident that he'll only keep you around as long as you stay in the shadows and agree to let him boss you around. If you want a fulfilling and mutually-loving relationship, you need to walk away from this man.
Be strong. It's not that he doesn't want you around. He does, because it's so good for his ego to have you there. What the problem really is, is that you definitely don't want this guy! Not unless you fancy a future filled with "Yes dear", "No honey" and "If you say so".
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