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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend is genuinely sweet and caring, but when it comes to looking at other girls he makes me feel really uncomfortable. The last episode was yesterday when we were on the train and he saw this girl sitting with her boyfriend in a short skirt. When I saw him look at her, I was so hurt, it tore my heart apart. Any advice? Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, Sapphire1148  +, writes (23 June 2008):
This is only my opinion. I am not a feminist or a liberal. I think it's very disrespectful for people to ogle and comment on members of the opposite sex in their presence, regardless of what their relationship is to each other. Even my older brother sometimes does it in my presence and I still think it's disrespectful. About 10 years ago I immaturely have done it in my little brother's presence (when he was about 11) but I have never, to my knowledge, done this to ANY man because I know how it feels.Although there are many men out there that I find attractive, I refrain from sharing that with any straight man in my presence. One of the big reasons I married my husband was he didn't do this to me. We still have problems, but they don't include that. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Body Dysmorphic Disorder and I have serious issues about my appearance. I've had 9 procedures on my face and a breast augmentation. I work out and I work hard to look good. I know I'm at least attractive now but I just want to look the best that I possibly can and I think that's a realistic and fair goal for everyone.We have to realize that everyone has "their day in the sun" and everyone eventually ages. The bottom line is it is rude to ogle and comment on members of the opposite sex when one or more members of that sex are in your presence, regardless of their age or relationship to you. If you explain to the person or people that you think what they're doing is rude and that you wouldn't do that to them and they STILL do it, don't waste your time with them. You deserve someone that respects you and doesn't have an adolescent need to advertise their heterosexuality.
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female
reader, little_miss_somebody +, writes (3 June 2008):
I know EXACTLY how all of you feel. My ex-boyfriend stared at other women throughout our 4 year relationship. When I first met him, I was very confident and sure of myself as a person. Sadly, when we finally separated, I felt like a total nothing on the inside. His ogling didn't stop at just a few quick glances at random 'hot' girls; it escalated to blatant stares, disrespectful comments about my body and clothes, he also began chatting with girls online, meeting them for lunch and then finally, sleeping with them while still being intimate with me. During the duration of our relationship, he too denied every bit of what he was doing. He urged ME to seek therapy because he said I was too emotional, too insecure, and too depressed. I spent 3 out of our 4 years going through therapy to correct 'my issues' that I didn't have when we first met! Believe it or not, one day the doctor asked, "Why are you here wasting your money and time? You are not the problem, he is the problem!" I quickly changed my way of thinking and bolted before the jerk I was with had the pleasure of taking another moment of happiness from my life. One thing that therapy taught me was to recognize the signs of a bad relationship. I learned how to not only see the red flags but, to act on them. Now I'm afraid I am back in the same situation again...new guy of course. (red flags are going off like crazy)My current boyfriend also stares at other women. I gave him the chance to stare in the beginning because he truly seemed like a different guy. I stayed calm when I first brought it to his attention...he of course denied everything. (that infuriates me) He has tried to be more 'covert' in his ways of looking at other girls but, I still catch him and I don't like it. Funny, I'm like a hawk now, I see all and know all! I really don't want to go through the same thing again; the first time hurt enough!! I'd really like a relationship where this wasn't an issue at all!Someone was right in their earlier post...you lose a connection with a person when they hurt you...you lose trust for that person too. I know men will look, my therapist explained it like this: Men are visual creatures, women are emotional creatures. I got it! I understand! I'm ready to find a man who cares more about my heart, than his own lust. If checking out another girl doesn't mean anything, like most men will say, then why risk losing someone who loves you for someone who means nothing. Just my thoughts...stay strong ladies...the right man is out there, I just know it!XxOoXxOo,little_miss_somebody
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Suggestion; It's always a wise decision to evaluate what is important to you, when you are with your significant other, how do YOU feel? What is important to you? Evaluate how important it is to YOU to feel a natural sense of consideration, safety, and a friendship between the two of you. There are those men who are insatiable, I prefer to be valued for both internal (personality, character, way of looking at the world, intelligence) and external qualities (beautiful hazel eyes, beautiful smile, how I carry myself, interaction style with others, remembering all that I am)...if you are being treated in a manner that you feel uncomfortable, un-appreciated and or de-valued, it might be wise to keep your mind in a place that is GOOD FOR YOU. Remember all the things that you are, what you have become because of all you have learned/been through/how you love/how you see the world/what gives you grace...and you may find you will not only blow his ass out of the water, but also may find one to whom you are better suited. Remember this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): I completely understand this issue. I have known VERY FEW men who are respectful about this. I have dated men that I thought were perfect gentlemen, until I saw their eyes going crazy with every woman that would pass! I actually broke off an engagement because it was such a problem with my ex. It really is about dignity, respect, and appreciation. Sure, there is much beauty in life... and other women are going to to beautiful. But are you really showing your appreciation for the wonderful woman that you have when you gawk at other women and blatantly stare? A long hard look or multiple glances will leave your woman feeling hideous, hurt, and separated from you.
While you are still two individuals in a relationship, you work on establishing a comfort level so that the two of you function "as one" quite well (at least in marriage). But when you disrespect her by looking at other women in a desirous way, you are telling her that no matter how much she does for you, no matter how good she tries to look for you, and no matter how much you "love" her, you can't control yourself enough to not feast your eyes on someone else.
It is a very painful thing to endure... I am attractive, intelligent and kind... but men consistently look around at other women. And what bothers me most is the way the other women look when they do it, as if to say "Ha. Your man is totally checking me out. I am so hot."
When I see guys with girlfriends checking me out, they get a VERY nasty look in response. I get offended that they do that with a woman on their arm. I want to throw my shoe at them and tell their girlfriend to find a better man.
I don't care how many people say "let a man be a man." Who invented that phrase? A MAN! "It's a guy thing," "it's natural.." BOLOGNA! There is one word for it and one word alone... it is LUST. And if my man is going to lust after anyone but me, he will not be my man for long.
Phew. I feel better :) Perhaps this is why I am enjoying being single right now. I don't have to fight the urge to poke a man's eyeballs out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): The ogling is a nightmare.
I am not talking about looking openly so that one, being female, can join in and laugh with them, and point out good-looking men and women, I mean amorous looks, hitting furtively on other women, so that one has these 'hoverers' 'posers' and the female car drivers who drive up on the wrong side to get a further sexual thrill 'attention seekers' - they get very loud when he stops ogling them, because I have congratulated him on his conquest!-?This makes him madder than the proverbial wet hen, but what on earth can one do?
I have a horrible idea that the sexual thrill of locking eyes with a responsive stranger is an addiction. All those angry denials. Is there anyone out there who can help us?
Ogling HAS to lead to infidelity.. the loo trick etc.
What do the women think, when they ogle back, behind the back of the man's companion? Isn't it terribly unkind? Would you ever do it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): All men look. Even the most polite can't resist looking at a scantily clad or beautiful woman when she walks by. It in their wiring. However, if he sneaks a quick peak, thats one thing. If he STARES with complete disregard, than its time you let him know that you won't stand for him disrespecting and hurting your feelings like that. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): My boyfriend does the same thing. It makes me so mad I could scream. I'm pregnant with his baby and every time we go out he's looking at some other chick! He's kind of nerdy looking...I think it's kind of an issue with his self esteem. I didn't really notice it before until I found out he had done some online cheating on me with an ex and some other chicks early on when we first started dating. (That's another thing ladies...beware of the online BS men do). But anyway, you would look at him and think he couldn't harm a lamb let alone sleep with other chicks and talk to exes AND check other chicks out in front of you when you already feel unattractive and pregnant.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2008): Tell him that when he stares excessively at other women, it feels to you as if the cosy energy that was circulating between you two, as a couple has suddenly drained . It is as if there has been a power outage. The warm glow of togetherness in your relationship starts to dim , flicker and fade out. You start to feel uncomfortable and neglected because the energy that was circulating between the two of you is now surging into the other woman.You start to feel as if 'two's company three's a crowd' and wonder whether you should just walk off quietly ,leaving him to stare at the other woman.His behaviour is rude. If he is wants to develop his relationship with you further ,then he needs to know how you are feeling. He may not be aware of the effect his behaviour is having upon you. Be honest ,to both yourself and him. Oh, one more thing. Cassanova had a reputation for being a great lover even though he was nothing remarkable to look at short, stout and bald. The secret to his success was he had away of making the woman he was wooing feel as if she was the only woman he had eyes for , as if she were 'the one.'Good luckAngel
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): i have the same problem, my boyfriend is sweet and caring too but he has a starring problem. pisses me off. next time he does it i will confront him. sorta nice to know im not the only one who has the problem. think u should say next time he does it "do you want me to get her no. for you"
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): You know what ladies don't feel alone. Ive experienced this very same thing...and let me tell you it hurts. I have a degree, thin, pretty, and I have a J-lo booty. Im not trying to sound concieted Im just trying to paint the picture that It can happen to anyone- no matter how pretty, smart, confident..whatever. I think it actually happens to the ones who are most confident more..or maybe not I don't know... I think these guys do it as a form of control..to lower the womans confidence and self esteem. I have been with my boyfriend for two years..he is a great guy but he has this same problem. He says Im insecure..but that is funny because Ive always thought of my self as being very confident. I think it is a way for them to make us feel insecure and then call us that. Men have been treating women like this for a long time..treating us like we are objects. And this is one way for them to objectify us. I think all of us ladies need to take a stand against this kind of behavior. We have fought hard for women to have the same rights...yet we let them degrade us like this. I think the women who say "Oh a man is a man- just let them be and except it"..or they will even call the women who is standing up for herself insecure. I think these women are codependents...who knows what else she would except-her man would probally hit her and she would make up an excuse for him...just like she is doing for him to disrespect her like this..... I know how hard it is to stand up to the man you love and wonder why in the world he would treat the woman he is sappose to love like that...but I think this is something that needs to be done...I am ready to break up with my man over this...yes it it that important..either he stops...or Im out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2007): i feel exactly the same way and all they do is denie it. But let me tell you your not alone and you should give him a taste of his own medicine x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2007): if my b/f done that to me, i will tell him that he sould finish looking and i am living with him, if dose it again then that's will be it, i am not enough to look at there for he can look at other women for ever, there is a way of doing it, u can't be so disrespectful to me like that, cos i will not do it to him too (at least when he is with me
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2007): i hate that men do that.my husband is a cop and he looks at other women. i know he dont touch but its the fact that he looks and sometimes looks again, and denies it. if a man licks his lips while he is looking at a womens butt then what do we do ladies??? that is what i would like to know..that pisses me off. and we get into a fight. we would fight for a week over this. i do the same thing because he does it to me. and i told him why i do it. i love my husband and i dont want to lose him over stupid stuff. he says it is all in my head but yea right i know what i see especially i know him and other men that ive been with. i dont think he understands that it hurts me i wish he would but like all yall said they are men, and they will do what ever they want to do.. i hate that but what can i do. nothing but kick that crap out of him until he stops right??
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): oh god , I so know how you feel!!! its awful to be out with your boyfriend and follow his gaze over to some beautiful woman. I am going out with a lovely sweet guy who also does this! We can be in a bar, restaurant or anywhere and hes doing it and the funny thing is, he doesn't even try to disguise it! What usually happens is....an attractive woman enters the room, I usually see her first, then I watch him look over at her (he sometimes even fully checks her out in front of me!) then if thats not enough to make me feel like shit, he continuously gazes over! even in the middle of our conversation!! I am a blonde attractive talented lady and it hurts me so much as I think is he not happy with me?? I've only ever been out with one guys before who did this and it used to drive me nuts! And he never changed his beahviour throughout the 2 and a half years i was with him. its a nightmare. Anyhow I decided it was time to say something to him last week about it. I never react to it when we're out as I don't want it to ruin our night or to cause a scene (even though my blood is boiling and I really want to confront him over it) ?Anyhow he said he is completely unaware of it and i explained to him that whether he is aware of it or not, the outcome of me being hurt and feeling insecure of it is still the same. He siad to me that the next time it happens, ot point it out to him. I told him that I shouldn't have to point it out to him and I won't be pointing it out to him, he should just know that this kind of behaviour around your girlfriend (who he is supposed to love!) is unacceptable. I told him i can't continue to be in a relationship with someone who does this. He told me that it will never happen again. To be honest I think it will happen again as hes being doing it all the way through the last 7 months. I only decided to let it go as I thought he was jsut adapting from being a "lad" into a serious committed relationship. I don't think his behaviour will change, as I've learnt the hard way in relationships that people generally don't ever change. So i guess hes not the man of my life, because I know one thing....the man of my life is never going to do this is my company. Girls, we should always be number 1...if a man isn't making us feel like we are, we should dump his sorry ass! Sorry is not good enough or saying that they are completely unaware of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007): My husband does the same thing. He looks at other women. I feel so hurt and betrayed, but I guess it's no harm as long as he look one time and that's it. But sometimes he look then he'll look away and look again, and again. That's what really make me mad. We are all human. If something nice looking pass our eye we are going to look. But staring or just keep glancing back at the woman is just plain disrespectful. So here's what I do. I DO THAT SAME THING WHEN I SEE A GOOD LOOKING GUY. And he do get mad sometimes. That makes me feel awesome. But it do not stop him from looking either. It's just something you have to deal with or dump him. A man is going to be a man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2007): i have been with my man for 2 years and just broke up with him over this he seems to not understand that his boss telling him that he really intrigues her, and the fact that his bosses mother got lunch for my boyfriend is a problem. After all his bosses mother wouldnt have done such a "friendly" "caring" gesture had the boss not been speaking to the mother obviously telling her that she may hay feelings for him. He didnt tell me this until he came home with an apple in his lunch box and openly said his bosses mother got it for him with a yogurt too he just shrugged this off. the last time he was this friendly with another woman was when we used to work together with a younger more curvey dumb girl who he was quite touchy and feely with. I cant deal with this and broke it off with him. after all during this 2 years with him i have always had trust issues with him and this was the cherry on the cake. i still have to live with him and miss him terribly. but if i cant trust him and deal with other women being in his life tell me what is the point? id rather suffer being by myself than continously arguing the same facts in his life, which will only make him more miserable and therefore may even go out and cheat on me. i think all my pushing and the fact he has no other women friends will eventually lead to him looking elsewere. so hes free to do what he wants now and i dont have to moan at him anymore. even if its killin me living and being near him. im such a fool!
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reader, martini  +, writes (4 December 2006):
 Wow, an old thread reopened!
Anyway to answer Ms. Anon below, it's human nature to look at beautiful things. It doesn't mean you are less beautiful. It just means there are also other beautiful things.
Would it be wrong to ogle at other exotic cars if I already own Porsche Carerra GT2? Would it be wrong to flip through the pages of some newspaper or magazine and take note that this girl or this guy looks quite hot? Would it be wrong to buy a 5000 square foot mansion and then drive around Shaughnessy looking at castles and garden houses?
Mind you, I understand your dilemma. At the very least, if he looks, he can be tactful about it. There are the type of guys who look and comment, but doesn't take the girlfriend or wife into consideration. Then there are those who look and reassures the gf or wife that everyone else are just objects, where as she is the one I adore the most.
You know?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months. I couldnt have found anyone as decent, but that man would drool over a dog if it was wearing a mini skirt. It starts of that we are just on the bus for example and his hand kind of jerks which makes me look to see whats wrong but when i look, yes it a woman either wearing a skirt or some tight trousers. He gets kind of nervous as he doesnt want me to know he is looking but i have been watching since his yes met her bossoms or whatever is on show..The part that really annoys me is that he then denies it saying "oh i was looking at her clothes" which in most cases barely cover he itsy bitsys..yesterday in church a woman was walking back down the isle when i noticed his eyes follow her until they they could no more. When i asked him outside he said he was lookin at everyone, but my point was that he spent alot more effort on this one, when i finally got him to admit to me that he looked because she was pretty he tried denying it soon after and said to him, she didnt exist,now is it just me or did she have to bloody exist for him to look in the first place??its drivin me crazy and i dont know what to do
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reader, welderella +, writes (20 May 2006):
my boyfriend does it all the time.undressing women with his eyes right in front of me.it stinks,its sickening,disrespectful,yea they all will look but they dont have to block you out and pretend their single and available.i would not recommend talking to them about it cause they dont listen,if they do listen they forget,i tried and failed so now i just get mad,flip out and embarass them.say something like OMG WHY DONT YOU JUST GO GET A HOTEL FOR THE 2 OF YOU,OR DONT LOOK AT HER ASS,SHE POOPS FROM THERE.ok maybe being a bit bitchy too but anger is my way of dealing with it,and it embarasses them makes them a bit angry but thats what they get for being asses,if all else fails, crack them over the head with a baseballbat.nuff said.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2006): Yeah.... y boyfriend is really sweet and caring. When ever I am upset or anything he will come over and see what's the matter. Well most of the high school girls are pretty, but when ever he sees one, or any girl for that matter, he always looks at them and says something like, " wow, she was hot!" And then I always feel like crap. So my advise to you is that if he ever looks at another girl, look over to him and say, " Wow...That guy had a cute butt!" Works everytime because if he gets to look at a girl, why shouldn't you be able to look at other guys!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2005): aww i know what you mean. I have the same problem. Except in my case, i break down and cry right then and there, no matter where we are or who's around us. I cant put up with that crap. On top of that, he accuses me of looking at others when i dont even do anythng like that. I do everything kind and sweet for him, but he still thinks id hurt him. How stupid. My advice for you, talk to him and just cry like how i do. Except its not really working for me. I know! If that doesn't work, try to talk to him. Since he's a guy, thats not going to work either. So do something nice for him that he will love. Then if hes being mean, remind him of the nice thing you did, and he'll say "aww oh ya" and he'll stop. Works everytime.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2005): I understand you and how you feel completely!! When we were dating, I paid attention to see if he looked at other women in an obvious way and he didn't ! I never caught him checking any women out. I thought that was great b/c ewvery man I had ever dated would ogle, turn their head, drool...etc...So I was even more attracted to this wonderful guy. However, after we moved in together a few months down the line, I notice he is just as bad if not worse than the otheres ever were. It makes me feel that he is tired of me and looking for something new or better. He always denies it, which makes it worse. He acts like I am accusing him even though I talk to him nicely like an adult. So, now what? I feel like it is disrespectful when he is with me to be so blatant about it. I even see the other women look at me to see if I see him looking at them. I try not to notice and just look the other way, but it really bothers me. Why would he do it now and not then? I just hate it !! I have done the same thing with other men trying to see what he says and he doesn't say anything , but I can tell he sees me. I understand that we all look. If you love someone, respect for the love you have between the two should keep the roving eye from roaving when with a loved one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2005):
The first thing to point out is that everyone looks. Its a subconcious human reflex. The difference is how we do it and what we do about it that matters.
I've been seeing my boyfriend for roughly 6 months now. He tells me he loves me all the time and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I'm comfortable in who I am and feel I'm good enough for him but when he stares at other women it makes me feel like crap. Almost as if I'm the one he settles for, but they're the ones he'd rather be with.
Its not even just the odd glance, its staring and sometimes making prolonged eye contact. He could easily walk into a lamp post if I wasnt holding his hand guiding him along!! How ironic is that?!
I personally think the best solution is to talk it over, second best would be to do exactly the same and see his reaction. Easier said than done, I've been trying to approach the issue for ages.
Its funny because without sounding arrogant I cant imagine what more he could want. I'm attractive, have my own money, do everything for him and he never has to deal with the usual girlfriend issues other blokes do. I guess you never know what you've got til its gone.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2005): Thanks so much for all your valuable advice. I will work on it and hopefully the problem will be solved. Will keep you posted on the result.
Thanks again.
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reader, Irish49 + ♥, writes (26 July 2005):
 I think the first thing you need to do is talk to your boyfriend.. Tell him how much what he did is upsetting to you. All men look at other women and I think for the most part..we women can accept that. (after all, we look at other guys) But it's the "way" they ogle women than many of us find disturbing. Discreet, hidden looks are okay..many men make huge efforts to ma ensure their lady doesn't catch them doing it. Men who blatantly ogle & stare at another women in front of their ladylove..are the guys I have problems with.
But the fact that he finds other women attractive doesn't have to mean you're unattractive or that he would play games or even cheat on you. We are all human, have all our weaknesses. Getting attention from others boosts our ego which in return makes us appreciate even more what we already have and thus be more loving towards our loved one. But when it's taken to extreme, I don't care what some men say. It is wrong and disrespectful! This has nothing to do with a insecurity. This is about ethics and integrity.
What happened to you, was utterly disrespectful. That's far beyond what I find should be acceptable. There is though always this boundary of decency. Sometimes, guys virtually undress a women with their eyes. We can stare at someone in such a way that embarrasses them. This far beyond of what I consider acceptable. What happened to you, appears to me as a good reason to reassess your whole relationship.
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reader, Ask MiMi +, writes (25 July 2005):
Try talking to him about it. In my experience, guys usually deny that they are doing it. And sometimes they are so used to staring at other women, that they don't even realise what they are doing. If talking fails, give him a taste of his own medicine (this gets his attention) and when he tells you about it, ask him how he feels when you stare at other guys and then explain how you feel when he does it to you.
I know it sounds revengful, but really, sometimes, people need to walk in your shoes, before they understand the pain you experience.
All the best!
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reader, becky05 +, writes (25 July 2005):
I dont believe there is any harm in looking. Surely you must look at other men too? Maybe you are not aware of it and maybe your partner isnt aware that hes looking at these women.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (25 July 2005):
 This is one of those situations where you can both adjust your expectations a little and - hopefully! - you meet in the middle.
First, your boyfriend. Have you explained (kindly, and without whining, demanding or nagging) how his obvious drooling over other women hurts your feelings? If not, be sure that you let him know. Explain that it feels to you like he's comparing your unfavourably to other girls, and that it makes you unhappy. Ask him if he'd please rein it in and be more discreet about it, and tell him that in return, you'll do your best to try not to be oversensitive.
Then both of you need to keep your ends of the bargain.
Now, here's what you can do: don't sweat it. I can say this as a woman in a long relationship: men will ogle. It's pointless to demand that a man NOT ogle, because he will anyway. It's one of those male biological imperatives, like... morning erections.
The general male argument - and mine too - is that, if women didn't want men to look at them, they wouldn't take such pains to dress up. Why do you think that woman on the train was wearing a short skirt? Because it was *comfortable*? Not likely! And your boyfriend was responding in an understandable (if slightly unrestrained) way.
The only thing that you can change about the fact that men look at women is your reaction to it.
Remember, your b/f isn't rivetted to your side. If he wanted to be with someone else, he very well could be. So, logically, you need to accept that, since he isn't with someone else, he WANTS to be with you, right? So let him look (discreetly) and remember that he's chosen you over them.
So, he salivates a bit over other women. Really, so what? If he promises not to be too overt and if you accept that it's just about inevitable but it means nothing, then there's no problem.
These are the little concerns that couples work out over time. You have to remember to pick your battles and try only to worry about the really big problems. Because if you set your heart on being slighted by every little surreptitious glance from your b/f, you'll spend your whole life unhappy.
Try to get agreement from his that he'll compromise on the issue, then shrug and get over it. It's really not that big an issue, unless you're determined to make yourself feel unhappy over it.
Good luck.
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