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female
,
anonymous
writes: I hate my boyfriend- I think he is using me. We see each other a couple of times a week, but he is so busy that he sometimes he just calls after his day is over and then I go to his place or he comes to my place and we have sex. We have NO intimacy in our relationship and he never really cares about what I am doing or how I am. But he confuses me- he buys me flowers, always ask me to go to dinner or something with his parents, and acts wonderful when we are together for the most part. What do I do? Should I end it before more feels get involved- we have been together for around 4 months exclusive and for another 7 months seeing each other before that. Help....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2005): Gurl, your man is a user I have the same problem with mine except that he's always asking for money. Dump him Ur man is no good if he dosen't care about ur feelings!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2005): If you are feeling used then I think it would be emotionally dangerous for you to continue this relationship. Being used will ultimately ruin your self-esteem, because he's either interested in giving more or he's not-and you are looking for more. The more he resists giving, the more confused and sadder you will get. Why do that to yourself? If he was to remember expressing love, complimenting you, supporting you, encouraging you, remembering your birthday, treats you wonderfully most of the time, calls you to talk and say hello when he's away and does many other things that would indicate that he cares about you as a person, then I would think he is not using you for sex. But basically, if he doesn't do any of this...move on and find someone who'll give you the respect and love you deserve.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (3 August 2005):
 Yes, he IS using you. The question you need to be asking is, why do you allow it?
From the sound of your letter, it seems that this man - his behaviour isn't that of a "boyfriend" - doesn't regard you very highly. He's after the sex-without-intimacy, definitely, and then goes into his Thoughtful Mode when he wants to show you off to friends and family. In other words, you seem to be regarded more as a possession than an equal. That's too bad.
So, what are you doing about it? He's not coming over to your place and having sex by himself, you know! You're participating and obviously encouraging him, at least tacitly. Look inside yourself and ask why you're allowing yourself to be objectified - Do you feel worthless? Are you afraid of "losing" him, even though he doesn't treat you well? - then make a point of speaking to him about the way you feel that you're undervalued. Leave out "I hate you", which doesn't help any discussion at any time, but tell him that the lack of intimacy is leaving you feeling hollow. Ask if he feels anything is missing, and ask if he's willing to make some changes in the way he treats you.
Then you have to stiffen your backbone and not allow yourself to be regarded as an object. If you don't want to have sex with him when he comes over, then tell him "No". If you don't want to be trotted out like a prize show pony for dinners with his folks, then say so. Remember, if you're going to an equal partner to anyone, you have to act the part.
Only you can decide whether you want to continue seeing him. Maybe things are too far gone already. But give him the benefit of the doubt and discuss the way his behaviour makes you feel. That way you make a decision you won't regret.
Hope this helps.
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