A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am devastated to say the least. The guy I have been dating for the last year, I found out was cheating on me. I know that these things happen, but it seems like they are happenening to much TO ME! I don't know what I'm doing wrong? In a nut shell...I am 39, a successful business owner, very attractive and a very outgoing personality....sounds like a dating ad huh...I say all that to say...I am truly a down to earth person....I'm usually the life of the party. My husband of 10 years left me for another woman. He was 13 years older than me, we had never seperated before and I was shocked because we had just had twins. We divorced and he never explained anything to me about why he left. He does not take care of the children, but he is so bitter! Why? He wanted to leave, so I let him. He left our lives and I never bothered him for anything regarding the children or anything else.My new bf I met about a year ago and he was great. We got along well, our families blended well and he seemed to really love my children. We moved in together and we discussed the finances and what he was expected to contribute. Well he was transitioning jobs, so I gave him a little time to get on his feet, but when it came time to start paying....it was a problem every pay period. Now I live in a very nice house 7500 sq ft. I only asked him to contribute based on what HE was making after most of his bills were met. He started making comments like...you have too much stuff, you don't need anybody for anything, I can't pay for your lifestyle or I have to live to.Outside of this issue, everything else was great! The sex was amazing, I cooked several times per week, our families loved each other, we enjoyed each other.....but....the money issue. Last week he started really complaining about how short his check was....as usual and I finally just said....I will not accept you not paying anything this month....you can't go anywhere and live for free! We get into a huge argument and he leaves. I didn't hear from him for 2 days...I found out through a family member....he was having a affair. Wow...this is twice in a row! I feel so embarrassed and betrayed yet again. What the hell am I doing wrong?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you gentlemen for your wisdom...it has really opened up my eyes to somethings & surely has answered a few questions.
@ Beingblack...a couple of things I need to add....you said "Let the real me come out". I really, really, really thought, the real me was always present. The bf had no job for 5 months (I said transitioning) & I allowed him to stay with me for nothing & we had no problems then. But it seemed to me, once he got a job, it was all about him & he didn't want to contibute at all! I felt like I was being used. If you ever met me, I am the most loving crazy person, but yes, the hint of no-nonsense does come across, but I am sweetheart. My husband...you answered this question I have had for months....He was resentful towards me! We built the house together & the business, but my family were the only investors & I controlled the majority of the finances.
@ male reader...you hit on some things....wheeeeeeew doggy. I trigger a competitive instinct. Wow...you are right! I am very warm & nuturing & I really cater to my man. Seriously, I run bath water, I cook his favorite meal in high heels & a thong, I buy little thoughtful gifts....but I didn't get that in return from the bf...husband oh yes, but not the bf.
I am very warm, accomodating & considerate to a man....I feel like its to a fault sometimes, but the competitve instinct does show up! I really don't know how to....change that? I don't know when that part shows up?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): You may be smart, attractive, and successful and those are great things but you are probably not giving men what they WANT. When a man goes out with a woman, he's not as concerned with whether she's articulate or on track to make partner at a law firm. He may be impressed with a 7,500 sq foot home but he doesn't want to stay with a woman who brings out his competitive instincts. In order for a man to really fall in love and stay in love, he's protective instincts must be triggered. You trigger men's competitive instincts. You are undoubtedly a great catch and could teach us a thing or two. You are a go getter and worthy of respect. BUT you end up emasculating men, making them feel insignificant, not needed and that's not what men want in a partner. Men do value intelligence but what they want from their partner is warmth, femininity, nurturing, and thoughfulness...something they can't get from their business colleagues. Men want to feel masculine and needed.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 What are you doing wrong? Listen to yourself young lady!
Firstly I would like to congratulate you on your success with your business and financial affairs, it warms my heart to hear such stories of self made stardom.
In your personal life, however, you must get away from your business mantra and reveal the real you to the men you fall in love with.
Love and sex can never be a business deal, it is never a trade off. Many people treat it as such - do something for me, I will do something for you - that kind of deal. It never works, because sex and love should come from the heart, not the calculator.
please be yourself, and try GIVING yourself, not always asking for a share of life.
It is fair to ask for a decent contribution on a monthly basis, yes, but you have made your last man resent you for doing it. He probably thought thats all you were after, his share.
Sex and love do not pay the bills, I know, but asking for his share should be high on your list, not the title of your life.
Lets see the 'real' you make an appearance in the next relationship and despite your personal success, and huge square footage, try not to make 'contributing' an issue. I think you will find that men will stay with you for the right reasons, and wont resent you or want to cheat to get back at you for feeling belittled.
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