A
female
age
41-50,
*lanB
writes:How do you know when you are "Settling" in a relationship vs. "Being too picky". Both will get you in the end. "settling" for someone or a relationship in general that can't or won't meet your basic needs will leave you lonely, and unsatisfied opening the door for all kinds of problems such as vulnerability to infedelity, future divorce and the stress and emotional damage that comes along with that for the entire family, etc. However, on the same note, "Being too picky" makes one pass up suitable mates in search of some fairy tale that most likely doesn't exist. My question is, how do you know which you are doing? There seems to be no clear cut answer to this question as everyone personal needs in a relationship are going to differ and what may be a deal-breaker for one, may be a small compromise for another.If you haven't had the self esteem to have higher standards and expect more from a man before, there is a high probability you are settling and have always and will continue to do so until you believe you deserve more or have the courage to get it, at least.But, if you look back on past relationships and have to really "nit-pick" to find faults worthy of dismissing someone as a reasonable partner, maybe the issue is with you.My question is, how then, can I tell the difference? The issue comes from deciding to give someone a second chance after they betrayed our trust, and our entire relationship. Half the things they have done since then seem to prove they still don't care for me the way they should, and half seem to point that they do. Point A: not caring enough about my pain to tell "other woman" officially that it's over, because they "don't want to be mean they will get the hint" obviously Caring of her feelings over mine.Point B: Taking it upon themselves to plan and throw my son (who is not theirs biologically though we do share children) a birthday party and paid for it themselves.They do things like example B points out on a regular basis but when it comes to meeting and my emotional needs or protecting them, they always fall short.How am I to know if I am being too picky, such as expecting him to "get it all right" and just take the things he seems to be good at as indicator, or whether I should go with my gut or fears, or whatever it is, telling me these things mean nothing if they aren't done for the right reason and they don't prove love. Sure they weren't required but does doing such nice thoughtful things that money can buy substitute for emotional support and care?In all his gestures, he failed to show me what one moment of his refusal to put my feelings above another womans showed. However, since, he now claims he is ready to move forward, buy a home, marriage, the works. He can't understand why I question everything still though. His motives, his feelings for me, whether he is "settling" for me since technically I was only chosen after she angrily took herself out of the running. I hate myself right now. I hate feeling so pityful and dumb. I would yell at a million other girls if this were someone else to not be so blind! Yet here I am. Or am I? Am I taking his thoughtfulness and his only way he knows how to show me he loves me for granted and just not moving on? (as he would try to point out)How can I be so confused and certain at the same time?
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (21 February 2012):
 There are two seperate issues here - the settling/too picky issue, and then the fact you have stayed with a man who has cheated on you by having an affair behind your back (presumably that is what has happened since you mention the 'other woman'?)
To address setting vs being too picky - this is very easy. You have to write yourself a list of what you WANT in a man (i.e. what is 100% neccessary) and then what is a 'NICE TO HAVE' (i.e. something you would like in a man but isnt a deal breaker). That will show you what you feel personally are the most important characteristics/traits in a man that you cannot compromise on, and it will also show you what you would like in a man but would compromise on if other things were great.
If your man meets all of your must haves, and only misses a few 'nice to haves' then you are not settling, you have everything you want. If he is missing some of the must haves then he is missing critical things that will impact the success of your relationship therefore chances are its not going to work out.
Settling often involves a woman's biological clock/desire to get married. Many women as they approach 30 or their early 30's start worrying about their abilities to have children, and their desire for marriage increases because they see their friends all getting married - hence if they are still single they feel they are missing out on something and want to be part of the club. That is one way to be sure you are settling - if you are overlooking flaws in a man simply because you want to get married or have children then you are not being picky enough and need to stop yourself getting into something when you know deep down the man isnt right for you.
HOWEVER we come onto the issue of the cheating/affair. If you made a deal breaker list, one thing that should always be on there is cheating - it is just a big NO and there is no coming back from it. If you take him back after he cheated, broke the trust in the relationship and showed a complete lack of respect and care for you - then yes you are settling! Actually that is the wrong word, you are lowering yourself by being with him. You are not even settling anymore, you are stooping to a new low where you dont even have enough self-respect to walk away from a man who treated you like this.
Cheating is a deal breaker, having an affair is a deal breaker - he has ruined the relationship forever, your trust has been broken and you really cannot fix it. As much as people try to stay together after an affair, there is always going to be a lack of trust, constant fear he will do it again (after all if he did it once and knows he can get away with it, why wouldnt he do it again?) and the knowledge in the back of your mind that he didnt love you enough to stop himself cheating. That will never go away, and will niggle at you forever - so why bother staying with somone like this?
In this situation you are not being picky enough, I think you know deep down he isnt right for you and there is no coming back after this affair. Just because he makes some nice gestures like organising the birthday party doesnt mean that the hurt he caused you will go away - he showed you his true colours when (as you said yourself) he put another woman's feelings above yours. That says it all really.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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