| A
female
age
30-35,
*gcarrot
writes: Hey, can someone help me make sense of this? I'm heartbroken. I was meant to meet a guy out travelling really soon. He went out a few months back for a year and I was going to go meet him once I'd saved enough money. We have a lot of history together. Basically, we've been sleeping together on and off for 6 years and our friendship has grown so strong over that time. He was one of my closest friends and I fell deeply in love with him during this time. I never told him as I was unsure of what exactly we were. He told me in January that he was going away for a year and was so keen on the idea of me going out with him. He even offered to help pay for my flights out there. I told him that I'd love to as I thought we'd have a fun adventure and that I'd meet him once I had enough money. We continued to see eachuther up until a week before he left and we were closer than ever. He was so affectionate. I told him I'd let him know as soon as is booked my flights. When I dropped him at the train station, he kissed me goodbye and said "see you out there!". So a week went by and I hadn't heard from him. I text him the morning of his flight wishing him a safe journey. I'd drop him messages here and there just to see how his travels we're going. He was giving me more kisses than normal (not important probably).Just over a month after he left I got drunk and decided it would a brilliant idea to call him and tell him my feelings. Drunk me didn't take into account the time difference so he was sleeping, but I text him saying I wanted to tell him something that I've wanted to say for a long time. He replied saying that he had something to tell me too. He told me that he was meeting a girl for a bit of a holiday and that we had to end whatever it was between us because he really wanted to give things a go with this girl. From what I can tell, this girl is from his hometown and they spent a few weeks together before she flew back home, so they're not together now. I was and still am completely devastated and heartbroken. I don't understand what happened. I asked him if he had made these plans long ago and he told me he'd only made them the week before. I asked him why he kissed me before he left knowing that I was planning to go meet him and he told me he didn't know what he was doing and he likes kissing me. What I also don't understand is that the girl in question is back home and he's out there travelling alone so it's not as though their plans were long term. I don't know if she'll fly back out.It's been a month since we've spoken and I've had to completely cut contact to try and get myself together and move on from the situation but I'm complete devastated. I love him to bits and I could be out there with him within the next month.My question is why would he lead me to believe that we could have such amazing adventures together and be so affectionate and couple only to end things and go holidaying with this girl a month later? Did he get scared of my feelings? I told him before we cut contact that I was confused and hurt and he told me he was sorry but didn't want to mess anyone around anymore but that he wanted to still be friends. I can't do that right now, I not sure if I ever will. He's my first love. I've seen pictures of his holiday with this girl and he looks happy. My hearts in pieces still. If anyone has any advice is really appreciate it.Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2015): You have posted about this situation before several times and we all said the same thing, he saw you as a fwb not a proper relationship, it is sad but you have got to start admitting this to yourself in order to start to get over this predicament.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 October 2015):
 My advice won't be too mollifying in your current predicament, I suppose you'll have to let time heal your wounds as it always does. But a little crash course in " Looking reality straight in its face and calling things by their name " may speed up the process. It may feel unconfortable too, and it may not be of much help right now, but it could be a precious help to make sure that history does not repeat itself in your future.
So : there's nothng to be confused and scandalized. This was bound to happen sooner or later, and the fact itself that it only happened after 6 years is nothing short of a small miracle .
You may not have known exactly what you were,... but he knew it perfectly. I.e., after 6 years of on and off casual stuff, you were... nothing much. Or, if you wish, you were friends with benefits. An arrangement that by its own nature and premises, means " it lasts till it lasts" , and means that any moment either one is free to go after any greener grass he/she may chance into.
You never cared about greener grass because you were IN LOVE with the guy ( the kiss of death for FWB ) , but he was not in love with you, and had no committment other than that of having fun and random " adventures " whenever his schedule made it possible. It does not sound as if he went out of his way to look for an alternative to you , but the moment he met one, or the thought went through his mind, he acted on it- and seen how casual your arrangement was, why should he have restrained himself. He has done nothing scandalous or cruel , based on the kind of arrangement.
You gave a subjective, and very wishful-thinking based, reading of the affection and the kisses. Why shouldn't he have been affectionate with his good buddy and semi -regular sex partner ? You share time and you share sex with a person, repeatedly ,along the years, he/she is not a professonal sex worker but basically someone you like , (although not romantically or not enough to make her / him your official partner ): you treat them NICE, if you are a decent person. There's ample room for moments of affection, tenderness and closeness.
Who says that if it's not serious- then it has to be surgical, mechanical and anaffective ? That could be a booty call, or an ONS just to blow some steam off ,maybe. But if you have sex with someone for 6 years,- I think a cozy, intimate vibe just comes natural.
The problem is , it's an " in the moment " vibe. Until new order. Not following a plan, and not projected in the future. Something ( or someone ) comes up, and your deal is off. That's how it works.
He has been honest . He asked you to came along, and he meant it at the time, I am sure he thought it was going to be great fun- but since you coud not come, he was, and felt, free to make other plans and to go after other possibilities. You asked him why he kissed you , and he was honest too : he kissed you because he likes kissing you.
That's the limit of an on and off, casual fling thing , it's all about the sensation ( Not just physical, mind you. Also mental, emotional etc. ). It's about what feels good at the time- but with no promise or expectation or plan to reproduce this feel good sensation regularly and reliably in the future.
So, what do you do now to heal your broken heart ?... The usual, according to your personality, free time and financial means. You keep yourself busy, plunge yourself into your work, or take a long exotic vacation somewhere ( but not where he is ! ) You cry on your best female friends's shoulder .You pamper yurself and treat yourself very gently, offering yourself long naps, good food, bubble baths,new clothes . You pray or meditate or write your diary or hit the gym like crazy. Etc. etc. Whatever wotks for you.
But most of all, please you learn from this experience. You learn not to give your heart if somethings is supposed to be just a healthy recreation, and you don't get stuck into a 6 years I-don't know-what-we-are ! If you want a committed relationship, you avoid like the pox anything that smells of uncommitted. And if it's not committed, but it intrigues you anyway, you get into it only if you are sure you can enjoy it without expectations, as long as it lasts, que sera sera. You are not quite sure you can live an " adventure " with this carefree spirit ? Then you pass ; chastity has never killed anybody.
And , try to see the glass as half full. This guy sort of liked you, but only 75% or 50 % or 25 %. Now he is gone-great . He freed your time, your body, your energies and your future for someone else that can want you 100 % !( if you refuse settling for so little as you have done so far and are a little sharper in your choices ).
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (8 October 2015):
 Hon, you were in a friends with benefit relationship. He has now met someone else so he now has the best of two worlds. A nice gf and a friend who will have sex with him with no strings attached.
I think it is too late to tell him how you feel because he has moved on with his life.
Sorry for your heartache - but with these friends with benefit relationships, one party always seems to invest more into the relationship than the other and gets horribly hurt when it doesnt materialise into a proper relationship.
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