A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now.Throughout this year, he has kept in touch with his ex. They speak on the phone to keep in touch.During their phone convos, he has never mentioned to her that he is dating me. I didn't mind much in the beginning as we had just started dating. A few months ago I asked if he ever told his ex that he's dating someone, he said the topic never arised. I said I want to be acknowledged and he should let her know he's dating someone. He said he will tell her the next opportunity he gets.She called him again a couple of days ago to 'catch up'. She even told him she's talking to someone at work. I asked if he told her he's dating me, he said no, he didn't get a chance to cuz the convo was brief. Then after knowing I was upset, he said 'Oh yea, I told her I was talking to someone too.' That got me even more upset. Our relationship is beyond the 'talking to someone' stage. We are exclusive, have even talked about marriage and he SAYS he is saving up for a promise ring. We are not at the 'talking' stage. Once again he promised next time she calls, he will tell her he is in a steady relationship.Why do you think he is so hesitant to let his ex know that he is with someone else? If he's wanting to save his chances with her, why is he talking about a future with me? Even some of his family members know about how serious he sees our relationship. I'm sure he's real.. but why not let his ex know about us? If they are truly friends as he says they are, there shouldn't be any hard or awkward feelings, right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone! Hope you all had an awesome New Year!!
I wanted to give an update to this situation.
My boyfriend called his ex back yesterday in response to the voicemail she left at 2am New Year's Eve.
They talked for almost an hour. Long story short, she was crying over a new guy she's interested in.. relationship with the guy is complicated. He did take that opportunity to tell her, per his words he's in a 'committed relationship'. She asked him with whom, he said with me, and she said she knew it. That was it. Their convo was mostly about her situation. Which is cool for me.
My boyfriend feels he's finally done what he needed to do and feels I should close the case. I told him I'm glad to hear he finally acknowledged me, but he will need to show me with actions and not words how serious he is about us and if he has really moved on and is only JUST FRIENDS with his ex.
In response to the most recent post advice, his ex and I are not really friends. I've only talked to her a couple of times on Wechat. She knows of me and I know of her.
Thanks again for everyone's advice! Cheers! Happy New Year!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): I think there is some back history you're not mentioning here, you were all friends apparently before you got together with him. If he won't acknowledge you to her for over a year there is a reason for that and it would seem he hopes on some level to reconcile with her. Saying he is talking to someone instead of I have a serious gf, just confirms that imo. What he said to his family is irrelevant because he can just as easily say that he has dumped you, he is back together with her and she will be his future wife. It's all talk until he actually buys you a ring and marries you which seems a long way off if he is only talking about a promise ring. Remember what Sharon Stone said: Women can fake an orgasm but men can fake a whole relationship. Your bf doesn't seem trustworthy to me. What I wonder if why have you tolerated this for a year now? It seems like a bad situation to be in, devoting all this time and effort to him and his family when you could be dumped for her.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 January 2015):
 You know, I was fine with his behaviour right up to where he said he told his ex he was "talking to somebody too". Talking to somebody? Is that what his relationship with you is? That was the ideal time for him to let her know he had a girlfriend that he has been seeing for 12 months.
If she is such a good friend then why isn't he sharing aspects of hi life with her, such as he is talking about a future with you?
I hope she was okay New Years Eve, and I hope the call, and your reaction to it, was a wake up call for your boyfriend, he needs to acknowledge you need to be recognised as his girlfriend to his ex girlfriend, and him not doing so is not fair to any of you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): You have put up playing second fiddle to her for a year?!
Why don't all women realise they have the power, intelligence and within them the self worth to entitle them to get the best from life?! Why stick with a man who is very clearly not over another woman?! He's actions speak louder than words here. He promises you the moon and the stars but he has to have regular contact with an ex who doesn't even know you're on the scene - open your eyes my dear he is NOT over her.
The best thing you can do here is politely end this rebound, let him know that for a year now you have believed him that he is serious about you but that he needs to accept he is not over her and either try and make amends and get her back or start moving on. You do not need to waste any more of your time hanging around and waiting for him.
Always look at what someone does rather than what they say to you. It is clear as day he is not over her. You tell yourself that you deserve better than this and you go out and enjoy yourself in the process.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRubyBirtle: Thanks for your reply! I'm not sure of his ex's personality. I've never met her but have talked to her a couple of times. Back when my boyfriend was still dating her, our mutual friends would group chat, his ex would take his phone to talk to us or sing to us... kinda like letting us know he has a girlfriend. We were all cool with it and thot it was cute at the time. One thing I do know about their relationship is that the reason they broke up was because they used to argue A LOT, day in and day out for whatever reasons. He did mention that one reason why he didn't want to tell her he moved on was in fear of her reaction. He said after they broke up, they were able to maintain a civil relationship without arguing. He didn't want to upset her or for them to get into another argument. He wanted to avoid anything negative and just to maintain a civil friendship with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015): Ill bet you he called her that night anyway. Stop being so lenient!! He's taking the absolute piss! You should contact her yourself saying who you are and that you've been going out for however long and that you know they have their friendship but to please respect your boundaries and not ring at 2am!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for everyone's insight and responses!
WiseOwlE: He actually does not have a Facebook account. He's not the type to share on social media. We have Wechat and our friends are there. In the 1 year we're together, he posted two 'moments' in Wechat, both were pics of me. His Wechat pic is of him and I. I'm not really big on couple profile pics or whether we posts our statuses or pics together on social media. He met his ex at the gym, they have no mutual friends. Although they've hung out with eachother's friends, they've never developped the friendships outside of group gatherings. She also lives an hour away in another town. So chances of bumping into eachother or mutual friends are slim.
I'm positive I'm his girlfriend. His friends and family acknowledge me and I am on pretty good terms with his immediate and extended family. This is why I'm so confused. His friends and family see a totally changed man after him and I started dating. He used to be a carefree non-chalant dating only kinda guy. He never talked about the future with his exes, just brushed them off when friends and family teased. But now he pro-actively discusses with them. He learned to fold oragami and learned to cook for me. He researched promise rings with me and initiated a convo with his sister in law seeking her advice on rings. He called me his future wife in front if his grandmother. His friends, family, and I know how much he loves me. The only person who seems to not know is his ex.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015): You aren't ready to hear this you keep making excuses for his behavior. Even if you do end up together he has one foot out the door. Whether it is with his ex of a new relationship you are only a place holder. When she is done with him he will move on to another woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015): Your boyfriend is holding out to see if his ex will eventually take him back.
Of course he's going to talk as though he wants a future with you; because if he wants sex, he had better make you feel there's a future with you and/or you're in a relationship. I think you're just a bed-warmer until he gets his ex back.
I have a feelings she is aware of your presence; just as you're aware of hers. Unless he never posts updates on Facebook, you never go out together in public; or she lives in a totally remote town out in the boonies. I can't see how she doesn't know he's been seeing someone for a whole year? Not even dating? He never runs into their mutual friends? It's a small world. Trust me, she has eyes and ears wherever he is. She's toying with him, he just doesn't know it.
She knows him, and she knows he's seeing other women. She just doesn't know he has a girlfriend. From the content of your posts; you're not really sure if you are his girlfriend either.
Over the course of a year of regular contact with your ex, how do you not mention you have a girlfriend? Unless you do not consider the woman you're with your girlfriend, and you're only "dating." Which is what he'd say if he got busted. If she really has no idea.
My guess is that she already suspects; but he wants her to think it's not serious. He's probably using you as leverage. Keeping her on the hook, while having someone already in-place; until he knows for certain she has moved-on or found someone else. He doesn't want her to know he found someone first, or he'd probably never hear from her again. Nothing would piss-off an ex-girlfriend more, than to know he has moved-on first!!!
Your story has a very predictable outcome. The minute she says she is seriously seeing someone; that's when he will tell her he is too. At best, you're in a rebound relationship; and if she wants him to come home, he'd probably dump you in a skinny-minute.
He's still hung-up on, and much into, his ex. You'd be better-off dumping him. He won't even come right-out and tell her you're his girlfriend. What's his status on Facebook? Bet he left it blank!
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reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (1 January 2015):
This would piss me off too and I don't think you should put up with it for too much longer.
Whatever the reason for your boyfriend's behaviour he isn't really being fair to you or his ex by conveniently forgetting to mention that he's in a relationship. You could be right - maybe he's still harbouring feelings for her or wanting to "keep her on the backburner" and he knows that revealing his relationship with you means that he will sabotage any chance of them getting back together (if you two don't work out, for example)
Or it could be that he's very bad at dealing with other other people's intense emotions and he knows that telling her that he's in a relationship will open the floodgates and he'll have to deal with all sorts of negative emotions from her. You don't really know this ex but have you heard (possibly from what your b/f and his family & friends have said)that she was an especially emotional or needy person?? Because that could explain it. How does he deal with emotional displays from other people in general?
But either way - your boyfriemds behaviour is very self-serving. He's not doing you or his ex any favours
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 January 2015):
 I think you hit the nail on the head. He is hesitant because 1. he doesn't want to hurt her feeling by having moved on and 2. just in case they can get back together.
I would stop bringing it up. Because even IF he does TELL you that he told her, it will only be cause he felt pressured to do so. NOT because he wants to. Or he might simply lie to get you off his back.
I would seriously doubt that he is even over her. And I would NOT be happy being the "second choice" or the "booby prize".
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast night was New Year's eve. My boyfriend and I were on the phone talking at 2am. His ex calls him.. 2:15am. While we were debating whether he should answer her call, the call went to voicemail. He listened to the voicemail and just heard her saying something like 'Happy New Year' and to call her back if he's not busy. He said she sounded like she was out somewhere windy and that she was crying. He asked me if he should call her back. I said No. I chose to be selfish. I wondered and worried about why she was out at 2am and crying. I know he worried too. But he respected my decision and never called her back. We talked on the phone for a few more hours and then went to sleep. This morning I called him and apologized for my selfish decision. He says he understands and will check up with her later today to see if she's OK.
I know he loves me and does put a lot into our relationship to make it work. I just think it'd be a lot easier for all of us if she knew he is in a steady relationship.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 January 2015):
 No way...no..I would definitely not tolerate the way this guy's treating you and my point is that there is nothing that you should say to him because his acknowledgement of your presence in his life is something that should come naturally to him. You cannot and should not tutor him to say that he's dating you and is serious about a future with you; he should be wanting to scream this from the rooftops if he's in love with you! The fact that he hasn't mentioned this to his ex after all the time you've been together means that he doesn't intend telling her about you and he never did.
Why? Because somewhere down the line he doesn't want to upset the apple-cart. He wants her to keep thinking of him as single and available so that she can come back to him whenever she wants because he's not over her and he thinks that there's a chance...maybe a very remote chance, but a chance nevertheless, of a reconcilliation. He's keeping you as an option on the side that IF she doesn't come back to him, then he has a Plan B. That's what you are to him.
In a situation like this, I don't think there's anything you should do or say to him except take a decision based on whatever you've seen so far. Its more than just a harmless friendship with the ex. Maybe she's moved on but he certainly hasn't. I'm not saying that he doesn't like you OP, maybe he does, but he's not over his ex and she's his first preference, if I can even put it that bluntly. He wants to keep her happy and he wants her to think that he's single and available in case she ever wants to get back.
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female
reader, SeaGreen  +, writes (1 January 2015):
 He is in regular contact with his Ex.
He's giving his Ex the impression that he is still single.
He keeps lying to you about telling her.
This has been going on for a year.
Why are you still with him? If he wants to act single then make him single. He clearly doesn't care much for you. As for the marriage I would be shocked if he was actually serious. He's probably talking about that because it's what you want. Which is what it is....talk no action to back it up.
He's playing the both of you. You deserve better then that. My advice is to leave and never look back.
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