A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife started cheating on me around the year 2000. I confronted her and she was extremely sorry, so she made me believe. A few years later she was cheating again and after all the wasted effort I put into salvaging our marriage I knew it was over. The only thing keeping us together was our kids for the next several years. Then 1 day out of no where she got herself an apartment and left me and 1 of our kids, she took the other kid.I confronted her telling her I wanted a divorce. She didn't want to divorce. I let things go with her, and did not speak to her for 2 years. She contacted me wanting to be friends. For my kids I agreed but she was still a player hitting the local bars making new friends and lovers for herself.She tried to get closer but she still did not want to divorce me. To this day I don't know why other than she's using me because I was helping her with her new house and a few other family things. I'm tired of this, being in a separated state, she can get any guy she wants but I'm not that lucky, I haven't any lovers or girlfriends. A friend told me how undesirable I am because I'm "separated". Not may women want to be involved and any women just have to drop their pants for a guy to get sex. I just can't figure why she won't divorce me. I know I can do this by myself and am starting to get it going. I feel she is just using me for what ever she can get. Now she's in serious debt and I'm not. I'm afraid she will be getting half of what I have even though she has a great paying job and was the one who separated our credit, checking, cheated, lied, and moved out. I bought her half of our home out from her. What could she be thinking?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): The question is why haven't YOU divorced her yet?? You have just as much capability to file for divorce as she does so it isn't really a "problem" that she hasn't divorced you yet since you're perfectly capable of divorcing too.And you are very correct that you are sabotaging your chance of ever having a new girlfriend, by not being divorced. No smart woman worth her salt will get involved with a guy who is only "separated". We see such guys as cheaters or liars or good only for casual hook ups but not to be considered for a real relationship. Even for casual hook ups any smart woman would look down on such a guy as being a cheater because he is having sex with someone while still legally married to another woman. Whatever your sob story about why you really are worthy of a new sex partner, how is any woman suppose to believe you? Just based on your word alone?So if you ever intend to ty to get a new girlfriend at some point, the first step is together the divorce.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (18 November 2013):
If I were you, I would record and document EVERYTHING. Don't let her know you are doing this. You will thank me once you get to court....
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (15 November 2013):
 you said it "she is using you." she cheated on you years ago and back to her old tricks again "if she ever stopped." she doe's not want a divorce , she has it made. she has her cake and eating it too. your helping her with her house and other things, while she go's out and f@cks other guys. she is using you, and using the kids as an excuse to stay together. dump her, get legal counsel. she cheated on you, she is cheating on you, and she will continue to cheat on you. "i just can't figure out why she won't divorce me?" don't worry about why she will not divorce you, get a lawyer divorce her ,get rid of her. send her to the curb with the trash.
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A
male
reader, Dreamland  +, writes (14 November 2013):
"She didn't want a divorce". Tough luck because you should have procured and attorney and gotten one anyway. You allowed her to perpetuate her game for quite some time for the sake of the kids, but in reality you have only delayed the inevitable. You can't keep on pouring water into a bucket with a large hole in the bottom. Get a hold of the situation and do what you should have done back in 2000. Don't be an enabler.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 November 2013):
 When you wrote; "I just can't figure why she won't divorce me. I know I can do this by myself and am starting to get it going. I feel she is just using me for what ever she can get."... you answered your own question....
The only "question" - as I can see it - is WHEN are you going to get a set of genitals implanted, and do what you KNOW you SHOULD do????
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 November 2013):
 I'm with WiseOwlE here.
Get a good lawyer and see what the abandonment statutes are in your state.
However that was not your question. You asked WHY she did it.
Well,
1. you "let" her.
By agreeing to staying married she accumulate YEARS of alimony, she can take out ANY Credit Card in YOUR and HER name by using YOUR credit rating. She can also STAY on your medical insurance. So basically SHE can live the single life and YOU are partly responsible for any debt she makes.
2. By staying married it is MUCH easier for her to have lovers that DO NOT expect too much of her. If they want more, she can say it's over.
3. She's already BEEN married and isn't interested to start over, so by staying married to you she has the "status" of a married woman, not that of a divorcee. For some that actually matters.
What YOU need to do is hire a GOOD lawyer, find ALL the documentation for when you bought her out of your house, for when she left, and HER debt. DO NOT sign any papers that will make you liable for HER credit card or other debt. Hence.. GOOD DIVORCE lawyer.
It really doesn't matter WHY she did it or why she is still doing it. What matters is that MARRIAGE is over, YOU should SET yourself FREE. Get it over and done with. CUT her off.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 November 2013):
 YOU are responsible for allowing yourself to be used by her. Get that divorce immediately. Her debts can become your debts if you are legally still married. She WILL be getting half (not the house if you bought her out) but half of everything else. The sooner you get this finished the better off you'll be.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 November 2013):
 You didn't mention which state you're in, and that makes a difference in your options. Some states actually allow you to sue against the marriage for "alienation of affection" which has a civil effect on who gets what.
If she doesn't sign, it takes longer, but many judges will grant a "default divorce" and release the spouse wanting out. The judge will also follow the laws in your state governing the terms of the judgment in the case of that divorce. Usually the judge will move forward with that default divorce if 30 days have passed without the response from the non-initiating spouse.
Also, you didn't mention whether you are LEGALLY separated, meaning if she's racking up debt that dates beyond the separation, you are not responsible for that, only the debts accrued during the marriage.
Either way, you need a really good lawyer, because we can't give you legal advice. Your state laws vary, and one thing that's for certain, you really need to move on it now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2013): Get a good lawyer and see what the abandonment statutes are in your state. Hopefully, you haven't weakened your financial position; because you maintain a relationship with your wife. She knows how to manipulate you. Apparently; she thinks you're money in the bank. Saving her half for retirement. Does she have a life insurance policy on you? Wouldn't be surprised.Well, she stole your heart and your dignity. You already bought out her half of your home. A good lawyer will get you a decent settlement of your assets, if there are any to be made.Reclaim your life and freedom. You've been a decent guy about all of this. I truly wish you the best.Don't get emotionally attached, until you're legally detached.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (14 November 2013):
 Basically, she wants to have her cake and eat it too.As long as you're still giving her free help with her house and everything else she has NO reason to cut ties with you. And yes, if both you and she go looking separately for NSA sex, she as a woman will have much better luck than you will as a man, because most women aren't into the idea of casual sex that leads nowhere whereas many men tend not to mind getting ONLY sex from a woman. As you are discovering, you'll have a hard time finding a quality woman who will give you her body and her heart knowing that at the end of the day you're still legally bound to someone else.Get a good lawyer who can answer your questions about finances (answers on the house and property will vary from state to state based on divorce laws) and start taking the steps to be properly single and free again. Good luck and best wishes :)
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (14 November 2013):
 Maybe she foresees the end of her partying/ playing and is thinking of returning to you at some point in the future.
It doesn't really matter what her thinking is, it's more important that you just proceed with the divorce - with a decent lawyer who can advise you on money matters.
You're right that single women are put off by men who are separated - it strongly suggests unfinished business; even if you have moved on, it's a red flag. I dated a Mr Separated - what a mess that was! So get the divorce and good luck with moving on with much less baggage.
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