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Why does my ex want to be friends with me and still want me in his life? He treated me very badly.

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Health, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 November 2015) 8 Answers - (Newest, 17 November 2015)
A female Canada age 30-35, *ap123 writes:

My ex use to manipulate me a lot!

I felt used, was treated badly and finally walked away after a terrible breakdown from the relationship.

My ex tried to reach out to me many times and I ignored him. we didn't talk for 3 years. But we made up this year.

My ex has a girlfriend and I feel envious anytime the girlfriend is mentioned. I guess I still have feeling for my ex or maybe i wish that he loved like that back then.

A part of me wants to let go for my own sake, i feel like bolting far away from him as fast as i can and the other part of me wants to hold on but I know nothing will come of it. My ex really wants us to have a strong friendship, but why? And why me?

I was never treated well in the first place, yet I have to hear about his undying love for his girlfriend and how well he treats her.

I just don't want to be a part of it.

The wounds are still fresh and I was tramatized in the relationship. I haven't been able to open my heart to any one since or trust anyone.

Why does he want me in his life so bad?

View related questions: has a girlfriend, my ex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2015):

Part of abusive behaviour is not letting you call the shots in any given situation. He doesn't like that you finished with him, as that meant that you called the shots. Many times abusive exes will try and get their girlfriend back just so they can finish with them, usually in a spectacular fashion. This makes them feel back in control. Please don't make the mistake that he has any feelings towards you or kindly wishes. You know what he was like back then and you know he is still like that now...right?

He is probably trying to win you back (for all the wrong reasons) by making you jealous. He is succeeding partly because you are already wondering what it would be like to be loved back then. Make no mistake, these tales of undying love for his girlfriend are aimed at you to make you jealous. They will often treat their new girlfriends very well, whilst you are still on the scene, just to make you jealous and wonder why it didn't work with you. Believe me, abusive men do not change the way they treat women. They ALWAYS follow the same pattern, the time scale is sometimes different, that's all. They NEVER treat a woman well, it is not in their psyche to do so.

If you manage to disappear off the scene and lose interest altogether, he will start to show his true colours to his new girlfriend. Or finish with her.

I finished with my abusive ex two and a half years ago and he is still trying to get my phone number, even though he has a girlfriend. Don't waste any more of your time and emotional energy on this man and instead read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. This is a brilliant book which exposes at length all the tactics of abusive men. It is an eye-opener and incredibly empowering! Best of luck and please don't go back. You got out, others aren't so lucky, as you know. Just recall the toxic poison that is him and let him go. I still no longer trust anyone or anything that is said to me and it is such a curse. Don't let him make you worse xx

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (16 November 2015):

Abella agony auntCongratulations that you did walk away. That was a very good move on your part. All credit to you.

He has a girlfriend and now he is trying to elicit a jealous response from you. It would make him feel extra powerful to have two women fighting over him. Sadly you only need to feel pity for his girlfriend. As he is abusive and an irrelevance. All he has to offer you is disappointment.

Just a cat may torture a mouse for far longer than required for the cat to kill and eat the mouse and abuser does it because an abuser enjoys the experience of causing their victim pain. They want their target to continue to experience that pain. They want their target to be available when it suits them to start abusing, when they get the time to do it.

It makes the abuser feel powerful that they can still get away with treating the victim badly.

The thing an abuser really does not like is to be ignored. Treating an abuser as the irrelevant non-entity that they are, makes them feel frustrated and less powerful. Because do not be mistaken - and abuser is a very inadequate person who is constantly trying to prove that they are not needed and that they are relevant.

Go back to living without him in your live. Try to be strong about this. Try to be indifferent to his efforts to draw you back into his toxic web. When you can feel complete bored indifference and apathy towards him you will know that you have succeeded.

Do not share your plans with him.

Try to rebuild your life with some new directions and build your confidence to the point where you can confidently say, "and what was I thinking, at that time?"

Look around for a hobby you've sometimes considered,but never found the time.

Is there is a sport you enjoy, where you can participate? Being fit is a good insulator. As your body fitness also improves your response times and strengthens you mentally as well.

If it is a sport you can play with others it brings you into contact with people who are mentally strong and fit. Good role models

If that sounds too difficult, and if you can afford it, then go book a holiday for a far far away place. Somewhere you have never been. And do NOT tell him, nor his girlfriend where you are going.

You said you don't want to be a part of his life.

Then examine some alternative activities that will ensure he is surplus to your requirements now and in the future.

As Aunts and Uncles, including Aunty Bim Bim and Garbo and Mystiquek, and others have

have said, No Contact is the way to go.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (16 November 2015):

Garbo agony auntHe is manipulating you still and the most obvious reason a guy would want to manipulate his ex is for sex. I might be wrong and there might be other reasons but being s guy, and knowing guys, that is the most obvious reason that I see.

I think you must go total no contact with this guy. You will be much happier not having to listen about his GF nor is there any rational gain for you to listen him talk of her. Romance was what brought you two together once, but romance is gone so there is no longer any other purpose for you to be around him any longer.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia +, writes (15 November 2015):

Aunty BimBim agony auntHe is still manipulating you. Break all contact, block his number, block him on all social networking sites, don't take his calls nor check out his facebook.

What you are holding onto is but a dream or a wish, the reality of him is nothing like the dream you are wanting to keep, do yourself a favour and cut him right out of your life.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (15 November 2015):

mystiquek agony auntIf you are his "friend" then he can keep tabs on you, know what is going on in your life as well as make you see and hear what is going on in his.

Do yourself a big favor and end things. He was abusive to you, why do you want to be anywhere around him? The best thing you can do to totally heal is move on and leave him where he belongs..in the past.

I wish you all the best! It will take awhile but someday you will be happy that you left him where he belongs and he will just be an unhappy memory.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2015):

"My ex really wants us to have a strong friendship, but why?"

Because he wants to have a backup plan in the event his new girlfriend quickly wises up and catches on to who he really is.

"And why me?"

Because he knows he can easily manipulate you into doing exactly what he wants by appealing to your ego and vanity while preying upon your jealousy and insecurity.

You're playing right into his hands and you need to realize he doesn't "love" his new girlfriend any more than he "loved" you because he loves himself most of all.

Dump him, move on, and learn your lesson by not allowing yourself to fall into the same trap again.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 November 2015):

Honeypie agony auntHe wants to continue to manipulate you. And you are "letting him".

Cut him off, you are getting NOTHING positive out of this. Unfriend and block him, you don't even have to explain it to him.

LET him TRULY go and focus on yourself instead of letting yourself be "blinded" to the notion that "if only" or "what if's" - he was a lousy BF to you, you ended it. GOOD!

As for all the lovey dovey crap he and his new GF post on FB doesn't mean he is all of a sudden a good guy. People will post stuff they want others to see, the "good stuff" sp definitely don't fall for the "oh he is a changed guy".

YOU really don't need him as a "friend.

Cut him lose, focus on your life, things and people that are a POSITIVE influence in your life.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (15 November 2015):

janniepeg agony auntHe was upset that you broke up with him so he uses his new girlfriend to piss you off and second guess your decision. If he cares so much about you, he can't have undying love for his girlfriend. It's just something he makes up to make you jealous.

Why was he abusive to you yet still want you so bad? Doesn't it make more sense that abusive people hate you and want you out? For them, abusing people is their way of loving. By being possessive, and knocking your self esteem down was to hold you in place. To see your face looking desperate, hoping he would be the sweet nice guy again, that's love for them.

You need to unfriend him and remind yourself what good friends and good boyfriends are.

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