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Why does it seem like my boyfriend is stringing along his ex ?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 May 2018) 28 Answers - (Newest, 21 May 2018)
A female United States age 26-29, *evencianna writes:

My boyfriend is 31 his ex is 21 and I’m 23 , my current boyfriend of two months left a girl he was dating in February to be with me. He told me he complained to her about standing up to her family and she never did it and how her family didn’t even like him to begin with. Her parents didn’t like his age and felt like he was using her because she was so young. He told me the main problem he had was they would have sex but she couldn’t spend the night with him because her parents told her she couldn’t stay. He told me he told her many times and begged her to stay but she wouldn't. my boyfriend and his ex work together too.

So the last day of February he left her and ten days later we were in a relationship. He bluntly told her he met someone else and was leaving her. He told me how she was upset and tried begging for him back but he told her it’s better if they move on considering her circumstances, he kept apologizing to her telling her he was sorry and that he still wanted to be there for her. i went through his phone. The day after he broke up with her though he texted her first saying “hey sweetie how are you doing” he initiated the conversation the next day after that too saying “hey sweetie how’s your day going so far” the week after he broke up with her she was still trying to see him and he was trying to clear his schedule to see her too from the text.

Two weeks went by and neither one of them texted each other until last Saturday he texted her first asking how she was doing she didn’t reply. I see text from him asking was she at work that particular day. today i see text from her saying she missed him and said she hoped he was doing good and he said i miss you too sweetie i hope you’re doing alright sweetie.

A few weeks ago while with my boyfriend we saw his ex in the store and they were laughing , flirting, talking abut their little inside jokes, smiling at each other, he was teasing her right behind my back. And before we left the store he tugged on her hair , looked like he wanted her attention

View related questions: at work, broke up, flirt, his ex, move on, teasing, text

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (21 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntWell after reading the replies i feel i had to.. i don’t want to be used to make someone else jealous

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (21 May 2018):

N91 agony auntYou don’t trust him for a start or else you wouldn’t be going through his phone. This relationship was clearly not meant to be.

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (21 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntI stated i went through his phone .. i know i was wrong

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A male reader, elmo2051 United States +, writes (21 May 2018):

How do you know so much about his private text messages to her?

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (17 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntBreaking up with him , i don’t want to be in this cross fire thanks giys

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (17 May 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI don't think you should allow your boyfriend to treat you this way. He is the one that is disrespecting you and well you are allowing it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntWhether she "respects" herself I think is irrelevant. Do you respect YOURSELF? Because this isn't really about her. We aren't trying to help HER, but you see the light.

He is DISRESPECTING you. YOUR relationship by his actions with her.

If you want to date a guy like that, good luck. I wish you all the best.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 May 2018):

N91 agony auntI don’t think anyone mentioned anything remotely close to that. It sounds like that’s the conclusion you’ve come up with to justify his behaviour.

The guy is disrespecting YOU, whilst toying with his ex. He flirted with her in YOUR presence. Tried to schedule a meeting with her and told her he misses her whilst being in a relationship with YOU.

If you’re not seeing these as red flags and don’t think you’re a rebound relationship after this guy was single for 10 days then I’m not sure I can help any further. Proceed at your own risk.

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (17 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntI assumed something was wrong but after reading you guys’ Replies it’s clear that his ex really isn’t respecting herself. I’ll tell him to cut it out

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 May 2018):

N91 agony auntSo if you think everything is fine why are you asking for advice? I’m not sure what answers you’re looking for. If you’re happy with him then continue your relationship and forget about his ex.

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (16 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntI mean he is my boyfriend. And i don’t think he’s “using” me i think he chose me because I’m available and she isn’t because she’s so restricted.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (16 May 2018):

N91 agony auntI think the real question here is why you’re still entertaining him.

I think you can see yourself that you’re in a very odd situation but you sound like you’re getting a little defensive. You wouldn’t be asking these questions if something dodgy wasn’t going on, I think you’d be much better without him.

Concentrate on moving forwards rather than trying to work out why he’s acting the way he is.

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (16 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntWell it’s either that or he’s with me because he can’t have her fully and she’s “unavailable” ,I’m his second option, or he can’t bear to be alone so he’s with me

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 May 2018):

Honeypie agony aunt Devencianna

"It seems as if he’s waiting until she gets desperate enough to give in to spending nights with him and stop having casual sex with him and get from under her parents thumb"

It might be OP,

IS that really a guy you want to be with? Someone who is messing about with 2! girls?

That is a guy who is treating HER (and you) like you are too stupid to see the bigger picture. This is a guy who likes to play games and manipulate. The fact that he seems to prefer dating MUCH younger women might be because a woman his own age wouldn't take that kind of BS, where as a younger less experience might not THINK a guy would DO that to her.

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (16 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntIt seems as if he’s waiting until she gets desperate enough to give in to spending nights with him and stop having casual sex with him and get from under her parents thumb

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (15 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntAnd another question is why is he punishing her when he speaks so highly of her the only thing he really says is that she’s under her parents thumb he doesn’t speak bad on her

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (15 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntAnd he stayed with her almost a year i don’t think he cares if they like him or not

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (15 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntSo what if she gives in and start giving him what he wants ?

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (15 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntWell why is everyone saying he’s making her jealous if he doesn’t want her back... he’s stroking her ego by flirting with her she wasn’t flirting back

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (15 May 2018):

N91 agony auntHe knows her family don’t like him so I doubt he would get back with her, but he seems like he’s loving the attention. He’s probably a narcissist and loves that she’s begging for him back, that will do wonders for his ego.

You’ve been dragged into a messy game. People who hop from relationship to relationship are usually emotionally unstable and can’t function without someone there to lean on.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (15 May 2018):

janniepeg agony auntHe's not done with punishing because he's enjoying her pleading. It feeds his ego. He maybe over the relationship but he's not over the enjoyment of hurting her. I don't think he's that emotionally involved with her to begin with. He doesn't want her back because he can't have her full time and she's too afraid to go against her parents to live with him. As far as flirting, ego stroking and cheap attention, he would always welcome them.

Either way he's too cruel and no woman should accept the way he treats women as tools. If you go ahead and live with him, then it would be you who's going to deal with his emotional abuse. Whenever he's not pleased with what you offer, he's on to the next one.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHow would it be punishing HER if he took her back?

No, I think he rather enjoys having you two "compete" for him affections. It makes him think he is all that and a bag of chips.

Or maybe he is trying to have TWO women in his bed/life at the same time?

Who knows?

ONLY you can decide if his behavior is OK in a relationship with you or not. And if it's not let him go and find someone who isn't so busy entertaining his ex and his new GF.

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (15 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntWell if he’s punishing her why didn’t he take her back when she begged for him why did he ask me to be with him, he made it seem like he wanted out and was over her

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntHe is using you both.

He is using you to get back at her for not doing WHAT he wanted her to do.

She is 21 living at home and her parents didn't want her to stay over at night with a 31 year old... NOT really totally strange for parents to feel that way. And yes, I think if I had a 21 year old dating a 31 year old I would be a little wary too..

He jumped from one girl to another - see he had YOU lined up as the replacement BEFORE he dumped her. So yes, he is using you both. And no, he isn't over her. It's really none of his business to check up on her if she is JUST an ex.

He dumped her to PUNISH her and show her how easy it was to replace her - and it was... you were already waiting to take her place.

He sounds like he like his GF's young so he can play games, manipulate and be in control. Yuck.

And then let's get to the whole... snooping through his phone. No, OP you shouldn't DO that. You shouldn't HAVE to feel like you NEED to go through his phone to see what he is up to.

But you did and you now know he is up to no good.

I think his ex's parents read him like a book, no wonder they weren't happy about him dating their daughter.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (15 May 2018):

N91 agony auntIsn’t him getting into a relationship with you 10 days after breaking up with someone else a red flag to you?

You’re a rebound, he’s using you to get to her. He sounds extremely childish to be doing things like this at his age. I’d steer well clear of the situation, you’re just being used as a pawn for some leverage to make her step her game up. If things were over he wouldn’t be messaging her, he wouldn’t be arranging to meet her. You’re going to get hurt here if you don’t get out.

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A female reader, Devencianna United States +, writes (15 May 2018):

Devencianna is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Devencianna agony auntHe didn’t flirt with her in my face it was more so behind my back. He didn’t know i was watching him. Why isn’t he trying to make her jealous for he told her to move on when he broke up with her and asked me to be with him

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (15 May 2018):

janniepeg agony auntHe is stringing along his ex. Seems like he never broke up with her. He only "broke up" with her to make her jealous. Then they were flirting back and forth to make you jealous. The plot to see you lose fuels her passion to be back with him. It's clear why her parents didn't like him. If he likes dating young girls with minds he can control, then he shouldn't expect them to have a mind to rebel against parents' wishes. Shame on a 31 year old who acts like this. He's like a predator who plays with people's emotions. Dump him and don't look through any one's phone again. If you trust a person you shouldn't have to.

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A male reader, DarrellG United Kingdom +, writes (15 May 2018):

DarrellG agony auntI rather fear he is more likely to be stringing along you than his ex so the title is somewhat badly worded.

Going to be really frank, probably painfully so, I would get out now before your boyfriend ends up really hurting you. There are several red flags he is not really over his ex and I am sure you agree you deserve better than to be in that situation. It can only end one way and that is badly for you unless you take control of the situation.

Good luck :)

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