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Why can't he stop seeing this woman? He still lives with me

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Faded love, Marriage problems, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 August 2011) 8 Answers - (Newest, 26 August 2011)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

my husband told me he is having an affair and that he had to tell me.

we are still living in the same house we are still making love from time to he says he dont want to have to choose he tell me thing that hurt me so much he say i can stay here long as i want

i cry my self to sleep every nite i dont know what to do im hurting like never br fore im afraid if i move out the it would really be over

we both attend church and he tells me he messed up

i do get angry too fast, but he is still seeing her and yet still living here with me

i need some help

my husband told me a lot of hurting things he really like this lady but we had the greastest sex the other nite

he told me he dont want to have to choose we are still livivg together what should i do ...he told me he messed up and that this is a mess.

i dont know whether to stay or move out

im afraid if i move out that it over for good ...dont know what to think about this or what to do. why can't he stop seeing this woman?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011):

Been here - as the Other Woman. You and the other woman are in a tug of war and he is the rope. Someone needs to force him to choose for all of your benefits. Unfortunately, in this situation, everyone is waiting for someone else to do something and unless someone does, you all end up in a destructive holding pattern. If you give him an ultamatum- dump her or leave - he will be forced to decide how much he truly loves this other woman. Is she worth the loss of his marriage - being at home with his kids - security. If he chooses her, aren't you better off? Why do you want to be with a man who loves another woman? Doesn't that cost you constant hurt? Guess what, you are already in a marriage that's in name only. You need to push-for your own well being. You deserve better and if he won't stop his relationship with her and work on repairing your marriage - why do you want him? You have no idea what he is telling her so don't place all the blame on her. This is between you and him.

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A male reader, idoneitagain Australia +, writes (25 August 2011):

You are waiting for him to decide what he wants, as if he is the only one that can make any decisions in this situation. This is not true. You can make decisions too.

At the moment he is living with you, and has a girlfriend on the side. And you aren't doing anything about it, so in a sense there is nothing from stopping him doing what he is doing, and there isn't really any reason for him to change what he is doing. I am sure he feels bad about it, but that doesn't appear to be enough of a reason for him to stop, so at this point in time there is nothing motivating him to change, because you are accepting the position you are in.

Decide what you want, and act on it. You are not powerless, you have choices. Allowing the affair to continue without any action from you might not be the best way to save your marriage, or for you to move on from it if it not salvagable.

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A female reader, RedAthena United States +, writes (24 August 2011):

RedAthena agony auntYou still live in the same house, but do you still share a room/bed?

Why are YOU still having sex with him?

You both attend church. Have you spoken in confidence with a trusted clergy member for advice/spiritual counsel?

Both of you should should be in counseling if you both want to preserve your marriage.

He may not want to make a choice-but he has to.

YOU also have the right to make a choice. Your peace is not dependant solely on what he does or does not do.

You might have to make a choice for him because he is so messed up!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011):

You are unhappy you say, but staying with him. As long as he knows he can have his cake and eat it he will continue to do so. You are not giving him any motivation to do otherwise if you continue to have sex with him and yet suffer emotionally.

Now is the time to decide how you can best be happy. You can't change other people but you can take action yourself in whatever way you feel is appropriate. Don't be a victim, take charge of your life. Actually I think there's a book called that, a self-help one, which you might find useful.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011):

I'm afraid I have to disagree with jenniepeg.

Sympathise with hubby? While he is having the best of both worlds? Are you serious?

If that did work then he would only find another mistress as soon as this one is out of the way.

Way to settle this is to throw his behind out and force him to live with this woman for a few weeks. Yes it will hurt but the sooner you do this the sooner they will realise how irritating each one is to the other on a day to day basis. They will end up hating each other and he will soon come crawling back- when he does, you do it on YOUR terms!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011):

I'm sorry but I am the other woman in a situation like yours. He won't give her up I'm afraid, he never will because you are allowing him to have the best of both of you.

My lover's wife has know for 3 years about us, she has caught us out on thousands of occasions and done her upmost best to split us up. She's threatened me, kicked him out several times, binned his phone, put a tracker in his car.

I'm sorry but he won't give his lover up, he is still there because he has you keeping his feet warm and bonus- great sex. But there is still something his lover is doing for him and you need to find out what it is.

This is all contradictory coming from me but the only hope you have is to stop having sex with him, stop making his dinner, stop letting him sleep in your bed... Because he has failed to sustain his vows to you and emotional has opted out of the responsibilities of marriage therefore why should you keep up with your side of the bargain? He doesn't treat you like a diting wife so don't act like one!

Start to fight back. If things don't change then the only thing to do is kick him out- don't leave, kick him out. I must stress that if you move out then you set yourself up for a lousy divorce settlement!

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (24 August 2011):

janniepeg agony auntYou are still living together? Does that mean this affair happens day time in his office? He is seeing this woman because in his perception, he is missing something in his marriage and he is desperately getting this supply from an outside source. Find out what that is, then slowly and slowly give this to him. Nothing feels better when love is given from your significant other. It could be appreciation, feeling like a man, feeling like he has a choice.

He will stop seeing this woman. It's only a matter of time. The quickest way to lead them to crash and burn is actually to sympathize with your husband, understand why he has this need, tell him you understand how miserable it is to live a double life, and that you feel pity for him that he feels torn. Ask him ideas on how he could improve this marriage. Doing the right thing as staying in the marriage is not enough for him. Sometimes love is an emotional decision. That's why while you are still living together you have to take this advantage and slowly build this emotional attraction over again.

I won't move out because it is like punishing yourself for something you didn't do. You will still hurt as much when you are away, and you are not letting yourselves resolve the problem because he will think you are halfway giving up already.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2011):

Gosh that's a really crappy situation.

Human males in their 40s hit a kind of "last chance" mindset and this can happen unexpectedly. This is the infamous 'midlife crisis' where a male looks back at his past and sees the last chance to sow his seed and have huge amounts of angst about all the things he hasn't done with his life. That appears to be what's happening here - the "I'm all messed up" reference he's made to you.

This doesn't mean he doesn't love you and doesn't care for you and usually such affairs are short lived and fizzle out. It's a positive sign that he told you - most affairs are carried out behind the other persons back.

However in the meantime you are being made to feel terrible and a little worthless and I'd question whether the sex you had was that good from your perspective - honestly - if you were thinking about what he and 'the other woman' were up to.

I think you need to be very honest with him about what he's doing to you is really really hurting and devaluing you and find out what the root cause of him needing to see this other woman is. What does he feel he is missing out of that he's had to seek with someone else? Start there ... I feel your "should I move out" is too premature at this stage.

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