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Who should I choose? My ex, who called my reaction too jealous? Or this new guy I've just met?

Tagged as: Age differences, Big Questions, Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 April 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 1 May 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My older, once divorced boyfriend of two years recently told me that he wanted some space.

He stated that I showed red flags of violent jealousy, during an encounter with his female friend at a local sports bar one Friday evening.

He asked her if she was going to buy dinner.

When I left the bar abruptly because I felt that statement to her was inappropriate in my presence.

Initially, I apologize for my behavior and I did not agree with him taking space until he made it obvious that he was going to take the space whether I agreed or not.

He stated that if I can give him sometime alone, and prove in the future that I know how not to over react then we can date again.

Recently, I went on two dates with this amazing guy.

However, I learned that he has a predicament of his own. His ex girlfriend broke up with him for unknown reasons and now she wants to begin hanging out with him again. He admits that he would love for her to be his girlfriend again, but is confused by her actions. I told him that I understood, and explained my feelings for my ex.

However, he stated that he is growing strong feelings for me, and believes that their time as past.

Should I only offer friendship to him and wait for my ex boyfriend? Or should I encourage his feelings for me and start a new relationship?

Please HELP!

View related questions: broke up, divorce, ex girlfriend, his ex, jealous, my ex, violent

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (1 May 2015):

Ciar agony auntI think you should consider the first relationship over, then take some time to regroup and reflect before launching into something with a new guy. Especially when said new guy has unfinished business with an ex who is still in the picture and you've shown signs of violent jealousy.

The key to security in a relationship is to stand on solid ground. Too many tremors on both sides here.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2015):

If the first man was a decent man, he would have talked to you about what happened and how he saw it, etc and you could have put your feelings forward and you could have both come to an agreement and an understanding of each other's feelings.

He is, however, being very manipulative. How do you feel about being told 'that until you learn how to behave'? Excuse me? Are you a dog? Do you have no rights to any feelings or do you just have to learn to behave as he wants? He is playing you here. He is training you to not question him when he maybe wants to behave in a way you don't like. Making you think twice before you show any displeasure. Be careful about any man who treats you this way in future and stay well away from them.

As far as the other chap goes, doesn't sound ideal either, but with the first one well and truly out of the picture, try it and see if you want, but I wouldn't get my hopes up. He's still hung up on his ex. Doesn't sound great does it?

There are many other guys out there who may just be your cup of tea. Not manipulative and not hung up about some other woman. Set your sights for yourself higher than either of these two would be my advice.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (29 April 2015):

Code Warrior agony auntI seriously doubt that was the first time you behaved in a way that indicated violent jealousy to him. It was definitely the last time though.

"Initially, I apologize for my behavior and I did not agree with him taking space until he made it obvious that he was going to take the space whether I agreed or not."

Did you think he needed your permission to kick you to the curb? Your agreement/disagreement with his action is irrelevant and you have no say in the matter. He dumped you and told you what you needed to change if you wanted to get back into his life. You can either change or you can move on.

Waiting for him is pointless if you have no intention of changing, and make no mistake, your opinion of whether or not you need to change is irrelevant to him. His message was clear - hit the road and don't come back unless you're willing to change. He has set his terms to resume dating you and he has a right to set his terms just as you have a right to reject those terms. So, if you reject his terms, then there's no point in waiting, consider yourself dumped and move on to the next guy.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (29 April 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThe first guy is an a$$ who is deft enough to get YOU to question YOURSELF.... whilest HE continues on as if you are invisible. Not much of a "boyfriend"....

The second guy really ISN'T "available"... is he?

Stay away from BOTH OF THEM.... Neither has much to offer...

Good luck...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2015):

How about being without either of these guys?

Personally I think a guy telling me to back off on the basis of one small outburst is wrong. It is difficult to tell whether what you did was over-reacting but for him to ask for space over that once incident - well THAT is over-reacting.

Especially as you have been seeing him for 2 years. I think you are in danger of getting hurt with this new guy - he is obviously not over his ex. Are you two using each other to make your 'partners' jealous? Bad idea.

If I were you it would be good to get your own space and concentrate on things other than men for a while - hobbies, friends and just having fun.

If you and your fella agree to having space you need to be clear to him that you intend to date other guys - if indeed that is going to be your intention. You are possibly playing with fire.

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