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When its good its great but right now its bad.

Tagged as: Dating, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 August 2017) 9 Answers - (Newest, 10 August 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have been with my boyfriend now for roughly four months. It's long distance so things have gotten intense pretty quickly! We were planning to move in together but I felt it was too soon so I told him how I felt. Since then things have not been great.

I recently lost my job which hasn't helped. He really wanted to book a holiday, I said not to as I cannot afford it. But he did it anyway and paid for the whole thing, saying he wanted to and he knew I had no money so to relax. But now I feel that gets thrown in my face.

He's very down all the time and I feel like it's taken out on me. He tells me I have no class and am fake and all these things and if I get offended he tells me he's joking and not to make him out to be horrible. It's like I can't express how I feel because he gets upset about everything, and in a way I feel in debt to him after the holiday (that I never asked for) and all the other things such as meals that he pays for.

Now he is getting funny with me because when I start my new job we won't see eachother enough. When it's good it's great but there seems to be a lot of bad at the moment. What should I do?

View related questions: debt, long distance, money

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (10 August 2017):

N91 agony auntThis is 4 months in?

Run for the hills and don't look back. This will not get better believe me. You don't sound a good match for each other.

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A male reader, devont United Kingdom +, writes (10 August 2017):

devont agony auntFour months into a relationship is still the honeymoon period in my books and if things aren't great now, they aren't going to get better.

Saying something mean and then trying to backtrack by saying it was a joke is unacceptable behaviour and he knows it. You know it is wrong when you're eight your mum catches you being mean to your sister and you try and pretend it was just a joke. He knows it is wrong too.

Maybe he enjoyed being 'in charge' when you didn't have a job and now you do he feels threatened that you are going to have something else in your life that holds significance other than him.

You have your doubts, that's why you're here. It might be best to chalk this one up to experience and think about moving on.

All the best.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

Honeypie agony auntOP,

This is a "textbook" toxic relationship. My advice? PAY him back ASAP and then break up and block him.

You are LDR now and he is being a total dick to you, how do you think things will be if you live together? NOT better!!

He wants you to move in so he has total control. Of course, he is being an ass to you when you told him you wanted to slow down the process. You are not doing as he WANTS. Trying to make you feel like crap is him trying to gain the upper hand. The fact that you have STUCK it out and is still dating him gives him the notion that he can keep doing it.

If someone punched you in the mouth and then told it was just for fun afterward, would you accept that? Same with someone belittling you and calling you names. It's NOT OK.

YOU should be hearing warning bells here, OP

So pay him back ASAP, DO NOT move in with him and break up when you have paid for you share (even though it would have been better to NOT have gone on the vacation at all) I would also cut down further how much time you spend with him, "wean" him off your company.

This is not a relationship that is going to get GREAT by living together.

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A female reader, CupidLover Australia +, writes (10 August 2017):

CupidLover agony auntHey girl, sorry you're going through a rough patch. But guess what,you're not the only one. I broke up with my bf of 4 months last week because he had a high demand job (chef) and most days he works late until midnight and that's when I slept so we hardly saw each other except for a recent 1 day off (his boss is a beep). He also had a low income which stressed me too.

Anyway,I wasn't happy with his style of work and even though we loved each other we mutually agreed to break it off for now.

I'm happier and I've even booked a month trip to India to find myself. Sounds like a clichè. The lesson is don't settle for anything right now. You are in your 30s I'm turning 30 next month and I also felt like there was no need to settle for less. The older you get the wiser and the more I understood the type of partner I need in my life.

Find someone who will love you for you and never ever bring you down.

Even consider taking a break from the relationship to refocus and both of you to find your bearings. He seems to be uncomfortable about money and you are also just starting a job. Maybe a relationship is just adding pressure on the both of you right now.

Good luck xox

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (10 August 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI have only one question: why would you want to move in with someone who, after only such a short time, tries to belittle you? You must surely realize this will not get better as time goes on, especially if you move in together.

Being out of work is not uncommon these days, given the fragile job market. You may have many more periods of unemployment. Are you going to have him throw these in your face every time because he has to "provide" for you?

You have only invested 4 months in this relationship so far. In your shoes I would seriously consider whether to cut my losses and run. If it is already causing you so much heartache, I promise it will NOT get better.

Look after yourself.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (10 August 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntFor what it's worth, I don't think you should pay him back for the holiday for the simple reason that you didn't want it in the first place. Just don't accept meals from him or anything else but the next time he throws the holiday at your face, remind him firmly that it was at his insistence that you went with him.

If there's more drama than you can handle them just break up. The temporary rare good parts are not worth the long-term headaches.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (10 August 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntSlow down. You're spending way too much time together at just 4 months. Moving in should be completely ruled out because that's just going to end in a big disaster. He's a bitter bully... Saying that you have no class and are fake is unacceptable. And to laugh it off is even more infuriating.

I suggest you take some time off. It's only been 4 months, you have nothing to lose. Clear your head and come back later and see if things are any better with him

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (10 August 2017):

Open a side-account and put money in it to pay him back the money he spent on the vacation. Move back to wherever you lived before moving in with him. If you can't move back, move anywhere; but you have to move out. You've gotten yourself into a mess. Now get out of it. Don't rationalize the situation. See it for what it is.

You didn't listen to your common-sense. Moving in with a guy who was practically a stranger, only to see his true-colors too late. It's a bad idea to accept money, dates, or expensive gifts from guys when you're unemployed; because you'll feel exactly as you feel now. It all could have waited until you got on your feet, he didn't twist your arm about the holiday. You still could have refused just on principle; and it was far too generous for your circumstances at the time.

He gives with strings attached, and he throws it in your face. That means he didn't give with his heart, he was trying to impress and manipulate you. He's behaving like a scoundrel. Either that, or he's bi-polar.

Do see any prescription drugs in the medicine cabinet? Symbyax, Zuprexa, Prozac?

Well just being great one minute and crap the next, isn't acceptable. Admit to yourself it's a mistake. If you don't own it, you can't fix it.

You've got a job now, get the heck out of there!

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (10 August 2017):

You only know what the right thing to do is.

If the situation with him is unbearable for you, you should move on.

If you want to save that relationship, then I think you both should go to couple therapy, although is way too soon for a 4 month relationship, and possibly a bad omen.

Your BF doesn't seems like he has a lot of empathy. I suggest you to check this out and see if he matches one of those personalities. If he is part of Cluster A or Cluster B personality, I think that you should honestly move on:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder

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