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When people say they are ''not ready for a relationship'' is that just a line to discourage the other party?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Family, Friends, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 March 2016) 7 Answers - (Newest, 21 March 2016)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I was seeing a 25 y.o. woman over a month ago. She just lost her mother due to very complicated circumstances so she went through a very hard time. I took the 'not ready for a relationship' line as sincere.

I didnt pursue but was open to go on more dates with her. Two weeks later she meets someone else and guess what. Less than a month later they are in a relationship which is being displayed all over social media. Haven't heard from her since.

It is not the first time this has happened to me.

So, when people tell you they are not ready for a rs, is this just a crappy line to let you down easy?

So mad at myself for letting this happen and at people to do this...

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (21 March 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt It's a line to let down people easy but could be also meant sincerely. Like, they do not feel ready for a relationship , and unluckily you are not the person who will make them chamge their mind and make them reday for a relationship.

Then, they meet someone else who excites them / interests them / attractes them more tan you- and , because that person feels special to them, they become ready for a relationship.

So yes, certainly " I am not ready for a relationship " means in practice ..." for a relationship with you ". But the intent is not necessarily to string you along or to be passive aggressive. They may feel in good faith that they are not ready or don't want or can't handle a relationship right now... unless they find that very special exceptional opportunity which will make them change their mind ( and taht, unluckily, is not you ).

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (21 March 2016):

Danielepew agony auntMany people don't say what they truly think, either because they don't want to be rude to you, or hurt your feelings, or come across as rude. So they drop hints, or sugarcoat things. The problem is, because what they say isn't explicit, you don't get the full meaning and misinterpret.

It really doesn't matter if she's not ready for a relationship with you, or not ready for a relationship with anyone. Either way, she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. Just walk away.

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A male reader, Fatherly Advice United States + , writes (21 March 2016):

Fatherly Advice agony auntYes letting a guy down "in a nice way", is not nice. Some people just don't get this. They string you along for months, getting more and more annoyed that you aren't "getting the clue".

OP, I don't see how you could have caught this one sooner. She had the legitimate issue with her mother, and she was perfectly willing to waste your time and resources going on dates.

The best way for you to look at it now is that you got out in just a few weeks.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (21 March 2016):

chigirl agony auntIt can be just a line, but it's not something to be angry about! I mean, would you rather she told you she didn't find you attractive, or whatever it was that she didn't like about you? Also, just because you're not what she's interested in, doesn't mean you aren't what someone else likes! It's not a competition and it's not something someone did to you. It's not like you'd have been in a relationship with her if you didn't "buy" her line. She'd have rejected you by other means then.

Also, in some cases, people saying this are honest! They don't find you off-putting, but they are not in a state of mind where they can see a relationship with you right now, although who knows? At a later point they might. Then they meet someone who fits their needs at this particular moment in time. Every relationship is different. Some guys are for long term relationships, others are for short term. So maybe you were a long term material guy, and this other one is a short term one. It's fully possible to not be ready for you, while being ready for someone else.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (21 March 2016):

So_Very_Confused agony auntSadly when someone says that they often leave off the last part "with you"

When I met my now husband he swore to me up and down in and out right and left that he was NEVER getting Married. Marriage was STUPID.

note he is my husband.... when you ask him he will tell you "I was NEVER getting married. BUT when you meet the right person and don't want to risk losing them or sharing them, you know what you have to do"

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (21 March 2016):

Anonymous 123 agony auntWell technically she didn't lie. She wasn't ready for a relationship...with you. She just didn't say that.

Yes it's a line for letting people down easy. Don't take it personally. She was just better suited for the other guy. Move on and don't let this bother you

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntDon't beat yourself up. YOU didn't do anything wrong -

My guess is, she was trying to "let you down" in a nice way, a way where no one was the "dumper/dumpee".

So many girls are raised to be nice, she probably thought she was avoiding making YOU feel bad. Though she should have known that you would see what's up on her FB if you two are "friends" on there.

And maybe she was being honest. SHE wasn't ready for a relationship WITH you.

Either way, there is no need to beat a dead horse. You went out a few times and it didn't work out. Find a new horse and get back in the saddle. Find someone who will be a good fit FOR you, where you are a good fit for them.

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