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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I found a black dress with dried up white spots on the front under my boyfriend's bed. I do not live with my BF. I was in his apartment tidying it up for him.Now I wonder if he cheated?First I would like to know, does semen dry white when on black fabric? Could the stains possibly be consistent with semen?And second why would the dress still be under the bed? Would the woman in question not have to get her dress back on before leaving his place?Anybody have any theories?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 LOL Thanks Cindy! I bow to Agatha Christie's intellect.
As they say in another mystery, albeit a cartoon mystery complete with anMystery Machine, "Ruh roh".
Yeah, he's lying his ass off. You saw the dress right off, and it's on the outskirts of the bed, meaning it's newer and more recent of an event.
Whose clothes exactly did his "friend's" girlfriend leave the house with?? I'm guessing that the guy didn't pack an elaborate suitcase complete with Clothes To Give My Girlfriend after she slept over. If that story had a modicum of truth, his buddy would have returned the clothes she took from the owner of the apartment, or he would have noticed missing clothes, and most people I know would be beyond pissed if a housesitter had sex on their bed. I mean, come on! Body fluids, the smell of sex, he would have ranted to YOU the moment he found out. Trust me.
I think you have reason to worry. You've already done the initial confrontation, received the lame ass lie that wasn't even really good, and the "oh, I forgot about it"...no. That was his "stall" in order to come up with the lie. Even you see that, right?
Things you can do here:
1. Go into surveillance mode. Follow up on lies or things he tells you, like going out with the guys or late meetings. Don't ASSUME it's the neighbor, or you'll limit your searching to try to MAKE it be her. It would very well be a co-worker or some One nighter picked up from a bar. I'm not a fan of snooping because of the whole lack of privacy thing, but keep your eye on his car's odometer if he drives. Watch for "tells" like guarding his cell phone, his reaction if it rings or texts when he's around you. Is he all of a sudden cash-short? Watch his friends - many of them know well before you will if he's cheating. Watching what KIND of eye contact they make you (or don't make you) can speak volumes.
2. Say "screw this" because if he's cheating, you're going to most likely come to the same conclusion. If the relationship is on the skids and what you're seeing is a bit of confirmation that he's shifty, then cut him loose and save yourself the stomach knots. Some people HAVE to know for sure, and you may never get that "for sure" moment.
What you must not do now is start freaking out accusing, crying, going out of control with him, because if he's cheating, it will just cause him to hide his tracks more, and you want to catch him, not drive him further underground.
3. If you have the money, hire a PI. A good one can catch him right down to the body emission. In fact, as it occurs to me, I'd get the dress (who has it, BTW??) and get a shipping box and pull some of his hair off of his hairbrush (or buy him a new toothbrush and put the old one in a ziploc). Then get the address of a DNA testing facility (these actually exist! They may be expensive, but worth it if you HAVE to know). They can tell you whether or not the semen stains came from your boyfriend. Tell him with a poker face that you're sending in the dress to be DNA tested. If he's guilty, OMG. However, if you REALLY want to do it, don't tell him and actually FIND a place to get it tested. He can't lie his way out of actual DNA evidence.
I'm sorry to hear what happened. It's not looking good. You have a stained dress, and DNA lasts forever. Hopefullly he didn't snatch the dress to supposedly "give' back to his friend's girlfriend. If he took the dress, just break up with him and save yourself some pain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2016): Hi everybody.It's the OP.Want to hear his "lame" story?He had no idea the dress was there. Appeared shocked.He said while he was away on business he let his friend stay at his place. Now, his friend I know has a GF. I asked him when his friend stayed there as this was news to me. He could not remember exactly. But he was leading me to believe the dress was his friend's GF's and they were obviously having sex in his bed.I just wonder why I never knew about that. He goes on business quite often so it is a regular thing. He is usually pretty open with me and tells me everything. I am surprised he did not tell me this.I have an uneasy feeling like he is lying. I am not sure if it is just my paranoia.It is difficult because I need more proof and I do not have definitive, concrete proof of anything. So, I have to take his word? What do you think? Does the story seem believable?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2016):
 First of all, congratulations to YouWish for her brilliant deductive powers; really, Miss Marple has got nothing on you !
Second... yeah, just ask already, what's the doubt about ?.
You found a woman's dress under his bed. You were looking under his bed for legitimate reasons ( cleaning ). You are his official gf , and if you find what seems a recently abandoned (... no dust on it ) woman's dress, you are not only naturally, legitimately curious but also entitled to want to know.
There might even be a perfectly innocent reason why that dress is there, even if atm you can't think of one . Maybe it turns out that , say, his sister stopped there a bit drunk on her way home from girl's night out, and did not want her husband to notice she was so drunk that she had spilled her dress all over with Sambuca liquor etc.etc...
yeah, this is a farfetched ,convoluted story, but my point is, you can't exclude there's a normal explanation for the presence of thet dress in his bedroom, and , if there is, he will have no problem and no hesitation in providing it.
If , instead, the black dress is the corpus delicti of your bf's secret adventures, he, not knowing in advance that the dress was there under his bed and that you have found it, will be caught red handed and will have either to fess up right away or,to think on his feet and come up with some lame story which does not hold water, which is equivalent to a confession.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 April 2016):
 Just tell him that you found the dress under his bed an are wondering what it is doing there. I think it's absolutely fair enough for you to ask.
I mean you are curious, right? He knows you cleaned his place and he didn't mention it? That seems odd. But it doesn't mean there is anything "bad" behind the story. So ask him and do it face to face. Otherwise you will drive yourself up the wall with worst case scenarios and let your imagination run wild.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2016): Hi YouWish,
It's the OP.
The dress was close to the edge underneath the bed. It was not deep under the bed and it did not get caught in the vacuum. I saw it before I even started vacuuming under the bed just after I knelt down. Nor was there other debris or stuff under the bed. Just the dress. It was dusty under the bed but the dress was not covered in any dust or dust bunnies. Only white stains.
I just don't know what to do?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 April 2016):
Besides the dress having the stains, what was the condition of that dress? If you have been with him for a year and a half and this dress was a "prior", it would be pretty covered with dust on top of having the stains. Also, if you took it out from under a bed with a hardwood floor, it would have left a pretty striking dustmark, meaning the dust would have built up around the dress, and pulling it would have caused some prehistoric-looking dustballs.
Was the dress dusty with dustbunnies and the like? Would straitening it out with a "crack" leave a dust cloud?? Or was the dress pretty clean, as in NOT dusty or had time to collect dustbunnies? It's still not out of left field that it's a "prior" if the guy's a slob and ESPECIALLY if he lived there before you started dating him.
If he's a slob, it's highly likely that he has NEVER EVER cleaned out from under his bed. So another question - when you pulled that dress out from under his bed, where under his bed was it? Was it nearer to DEEP under his bed and you only got to it after pulling out a lot of other things from under his bed, OR was it the only thing under his bed or was it closer to the edge of under his bed on the OUTSIDE of a lot of things? To someone who never cleans, to clear out the bed is nothing short of an archaeological dig, with stuff in chronological order.
My point is - if you got to this dress only by pulling out other crap first and then finding the dress after finding a bunch other other things, then it's likely a "prior". However, if this dress is on the OUTSKIRTS of a bunch of other things under the bed, meaning it looked like a more recent finding than other more deep debris under that bed, then it could be a cheater.
Don't go accusing the friendly woman yet. You said that you were vacuuming, so were you pulling stuff out from under his bed before vacuuming it, or were you vacuuming under his bed and the dress got caught in the vacuum? If the latter, did you get on your knees and eyeball under the bed to see if there was a lot of debris? That's a big question. I like a good mystery, so knowing you come back here and follow up, I'm curious!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2016): It is the OP of the question.Been with him for a year and a half. No, I do not live with him. No, he has no roommates nor has he ever. He has lived in the same place since we first started dating. As far as I know, he has no strange closet sexual addictions. I was cleaning his apartment as a surprise when he was out of town. He is very messy and rarely does it himself. He has hardwood and I was vacuuming underneath the bed. I am pretty thorough. There is a single woman who lives in the apartment next door that is "friendly" to him but I have never suspected her of sleeping with my boyfriend. My boyfriend has never mentioned her of his own fruition. I once asked if he knew his neighbours at all and he told me a bit about them, including her.I have not confronted him yet. I am not sure how to do this or if I need to get more substantial evidence first.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 April 2016):
Oh! Forgot! If you tell us that in addition to having been with him less than a year AND he lived there when you met him, then my "possibility meter" jumps to 95%.
If he didn't live there when you met him, and he moved to the place he's living in AFTER you two got together, then it's cheater cheater or cross dresser.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 April 2016):
How long have the two of you been dating?? That's the real lynch pin for me in terms of advice to you. If you two have been dating for over a year, and you know how long he's lived at his place, and if he's lived there at this place for longer than you have been dating him, then it's entirely possible that this could be before he was dating you, and that she probably put on one of his T-shirts and pajama/sweat pants to go home. It could very well be his ex that the dress belonged to.
Now, is this the first time you cleaned his house? And if so, why did you go under his bed to do it??? Were you suspicious of him, so the "cleaning" was to give an excuse for investigating him?? Has he been showing other signs of being unfaithful to you?? These are real questions.
As far as the stains themselves, a dress under a bed with those type of stains would make me think of semen. You didn't say WHERE the semen was on the dress, because if the dress was under there a LONG time and dusty, then I'd say that it's an EX or a past one night stand.
I can't see someone he was cheating with being that casual about her dress. Honestly. Unless you're dating someone who is a few cards short of a full deck, then she would have left with that dress, or he would have discreetly disposed of it.
My brain also doesn't want to rule out the possibility of some fantasy he has about WEARING the dress himself. That happens more often than you think.
But say he has no fetishes like that, and the dress belonged to a girl, it was someone who was intimate enough to wear his clothes to go home with. I'm thinking that if it was a relationship, she probably thought she'd get that dress back sometime, or he promised to clean it, or whatever, and they both forgot. Also, I'd love to know whether or not the dress was the ONLY thing under the bed, or whether there was a collection of "under-the-bed" clutter and debris that the dress was part of, dusty and cobwebby and all that.
Souvenir women like to leave stuff like earrings, or a note, or lipstick, or something like that as a memento. Leaving the dress she was wearing isn't quite so common, and neither is giving his own clothes to a one-off or stranger. If she had thought to brought a change of clothes, then she'd have the bag to put the dress in to take it home with her. So whoever it was left in HIS clothes.
I'm gravitating towards past relationship like an ex. But I won't lock into that theory until you tell me how long you two have been dating. If you say anything like 6 months or less, then I'm 85% sure that it's a pre-you item.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (14 April 2016):
 This is always a dicey situation and my guess is that yes, it is semen on a dress. Generally semen will look that way.
What the big question is, where did it come from?
Maybe your boyfriend likes to cross dress?
Perhaps it is something from a previous girlfriend?
May he did in fact cheat. And a lot of women like to leave souvenirs of their conquests at a guy's house -- sort of a way of marking their territory.
Either way, you are deserved a rational explanation and I would be rather blunt with your question: "I found a black dress under your bed and it had some suspicious looking stains on it. Care to offer my a reason why this would be here?"
My guess is that he is going to be extremely embarassed and threatened. Don't be sidetracked by why were you snooping questions. Your emotional, and more importantly your physical well-being, are dependent upon him being just as committed to the relationship as you are.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (13 April 2016):
 Dry semen is not totally white when dry, and it also has a plastic sort of look. All other white stains are more solidly white then semen, by comparison.
You should for sure ask him about that dress, first of all, whose is it, how it ended where you found it, why... and at the end ask about the stain.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 April 2016):
How long have you been dating? And did he know you were going to clean his place? or was that a surprise?
Yes, sperm can dry white'ish on black fabric, but so can other things.
It seems really weird that a guy would leave a dress with "white stains" on under his bed.
If he had a friend over and she spilled Chardonnay (that can supposedly make a stain look white'ish or lighter'ish) or coffee/tea with load of half&half/flavored creamer can also make a light or white'ish stain (I know that for a fact as I often wear black and have managed to spill coffee/tea with creamer on pants/shirt more than once). Ditto for Alfredo sauce and other cream based sauces.
So yes, other things CAN make a white'ish stain, but if she borrowed some clothes from him, why didn't she take her dress with her afterwards?
Unless he promised to dry-clean it...
Or... it's his?
I'd ask him what's up with the dress. And I would do it without making ANY accusations, because you really don't know. Yet. Since he is your BF, I presume you can gauge his response whether it makes sense or is a total lie.
And I'd ask him face to face, NOT over the phone. Easier to see of you are dealing with a "Monica Lewinsky" situation or something less clandestine.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 April 2016):
 Yupp, semen would look like that. I'm surprised you didn't know, have you not had sex with your boyfriend yet? Or maybe you are particularly tidy, since you also were cleaning your boyfriends room?
How long have you been seeing him? It could be it was there from before you and him got together. Semen doesn't really vanish from clothing over time, it needs some serious washing to get rid of. And my guess is he wasn't aware the dress was even there, or else he'd have gotten rid of it a long time ago. It's not like he'd cheat and the keep a dress for souvenir. Besides, it's odd, isn't it? Did the lady wearing the dress walk out of there in just her underwear?
Sounds more likely that this was a sleep over, the woman who owns the dress had a set of spare clothes with her/already had a drawer in the apartment, and then after a night out forgot the dress that was tossed under the bed in the heat of the moment.
Has he had any friends staying over, borrowing his bedroom in the last year?
Anyway, this is not proof of any cheating, just proof he isn't very clean and doesn't tidy up much. Such a discovery would simply gross me out and want to never live with him since he never cleans up his (or others) mess. I mean, you don't even live with him, and yet here you are tidying up his place like some maid. If he is an adult, he needs to clean his own space, end of story. If he isn't clean and tidy enough to meet your standards, the solution is not to clean up for him, but to end the relationship as this is a problem with compatibility. I could never be in a relationship with a man who never cleans his room. I mean, how often does he even change bed sheets? Yuck.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (13 April 2016):
 Wow..I know how upsetting this has to be and to be honest, I honestly only have one theory at the moment..and that is cheating. Unless your boyfriend lives with other people that would be using his bed? his room??? I don't see how there can be any other conclusions.
I too agree that the stains sound like they could be semen that has dried.
I also can't answer why the dress would be under the bed? The woman doesn't need the dress? None of it makes sense.
You already have your suspicions..its now down to do you want to address your boyfriend and see what he has to say? I just honestly can't think of a believeable story other than cheating.
I'm sorry hun. It doesn't sound good. I wish you the best..
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 April 2016):
 Yes Semen would dry up and leave a white stain on black material. It doesn't sound very good that there is a dress under your boyfriends bed that does not belong to you, does he live alone or with other people? If he lives alone, well then I would be asking him questions. It is strange if he brought a girl home that she would leave her dress, however maybe she had spare clothes. Could it be possible that he has been seeing someone else and she has left it there on purpose so you would find out? It is time to talk to him and see what he has to say for himself. Good luck Sweetie.
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