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What can I do about my hunch that I should leave my great Gf?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Family, Friends, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 July 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 July 2015)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been with this girl for 5 months -known her for 8-. I was dubious of having a real relationship with her at first because I didn't feel as much for her as I did for other girls I've been in love with, but things just happened and here I am.

She knows my parents, I know hers (they are great, btw) and also her friends. She sleeps half of the time at my place and has almost all her things here.

We get along really good except for the fact that she's really clingy and she's constantly looking for my compliments and demonstrations of love from my side. She's way too in love with me (e.g. telling me how "she couldn't live without me", that I'm the best thing that ever happened to her, planning how our hypothetical wedding will be, the names of our hypothetical children, getting angry when I suggest her to take things more calmly, etc). We have some differences in terms of education, which render our conversations a bit more superficial than I would like sometimes. Also, she's gotten quite fat and I had to convince her to go to the gym. She's kind of a shop-aholic, and sometimes she asks me to spend on her too.

On the bright side, she's responsible, good with children, supportive, etc.

I hate this situation because she has exactly as many positive traits as many negative. But the one that blows me THE MOST is that I don't have that "blissful feeling" I felt for other girls, but perhaps needing that is just immature.

Since the beginning of the relationship I had ups and downs, in which I was really content with her and I wanted to break up with her respectively.

And whenever I think of breaking up with her these three things pop up in my head:

- I feel like I would destroy her life, or at least, send her into a depressive state.

- I'm fearful that I might regret it. That I may never again find a girl that loves me as much as her while having all the possitive aspects she has.

- I'm in my mid-twenties and I no longer feel that I have infinite time to find my future wife, but also I don't want to fast-forward 5 years and find myself regretting that I didn't break up with her now instead of wasting my best years.

I also know that I'm being selfish just by asking this because she's great, but I really need an advice. It's just one of this things in life that are 50/50 and you need someone to push you over to one side or to the other.

Can anyone suggest me what to do? Or at least, how to make a correct decision?

View related questions: immature, wedding

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (30 July 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntYou note: "Can anyone suggest me what to do? Or at least, how to make a correct decision?"

Remember... one of your "decisions" (choices) is to do "nothing".... and continue things as they are.... and make a decision to change matters once, and when, you have stronger ideas and feelings about yourself, her, and what is going on between the two of you.....

Good luck...

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (30 July 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntdo not base staying with her on what her reaction will be when you end it.

YOU will not be responsible for her reaction or her depression.

No she won't take it well but you have enough concerns that I think ending it might be better for you and her in the long run.

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A male reader, Garbo United States + , writes (30 July 2015):

Garbo agony auntOne thing that is missing in your post is a description of the "blissful feeling" that you had with other girls because that phrase, all on its own, does not stack up one bit against wonderful things that you have said about this girl of 5 months who has, apparently, found lot of comfort in you. I think knowing what the "blissful feeling" consists of, it could be better evaluated in a trade off with dumping your girl. As is though, without knowing what the "blissful feeling" is, I see no reason to dump her and in fact I see lot of great qualities in her.

Granted, you don't have much time invested with this girl - 5 months - and she is fantasizing a wedding and child names, something that would definitively spook me. So from the perspective of time, and how fast she is moving, a slowdown is fine.

Now, I don't have a decision to dump her but doing that at 5 months vs 5 years is a lot easier and there is lot less of collateral damage.

As for your other concerns such as mismatch in education, that really does not matter because over time people converge. It seems that you have a lot more to say in a conversation so after a while she will figure that out, she will figure out your pattern of thought etc and give you space to express that. It also works the other way as well.

As for her being needy, women look for compliments because that makes them glow emotionally. If a woman is to stay attached to the man as she wants to, she needs to be peppered with compliments and romantic deeds. This applies for your woman, any woman, now, after 5 years and all along the timeline that you are with her. This includes a situation of a "blissful feeling" because eventually infatuation goes away and the woman still wants to hear nice, romantic things from the man.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2015):

If in doubt, don't :-)

Break up with her or you'll end up either cheating on her when you fond someone who excites you or you will treat her badly because you'll resent her for not living up to your expectations.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (30 July 2015):

Anonymous 123 agony auntIf you have to think so much then she's not the girl for you. I think it would be best to break up now than drag it along because you'll just end up hurting her more if you delay the inevitable. Its obvious that she's more into you than you are into her and if you don't have that "feeling" yet then I doubt you ever will. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone just because they're a good catch but you don't feel the way for them that you should? You don't seem to have much in common anyway and the way you speak of her honestly shows no feelings of affection either.

Don't settle OP, you're not doing justice to yourself or to her. You wont destroy her life by breaking up... she's a big girl, she'll get over it. You're more likely to destroy lives if you stay on, get married, have a couple of kids and then decide nope, I cant do this. THAT will be breaking a family and destroying lives.

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