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Should I be concerned that my Bf is asking for ''space'' when it's all been going so well?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 July 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 July 2015)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My question: Should I be concerned about my boyfriend asking for space when everything has been going so well? Also, did I respond in a good way when he asked for space?

Background information: I have been in a LDR for a few months with a man who lives about 5 hours away. We are both in our mid-twenties. Things have been going great, we communicate daily via text and phone call or skype. We've done two visits so far and they've been great! He treats me like an absolute princess and is very sincere. We are extremely compatible and agree on all the major issues/values a couple should agree on. The most recent visit I stayed with him for 5 days. I thought it was wonderful and he seemed happy the whole time.

After I left, he started pulling away unexpectedly. He told me he had a "head and heart battle" he was dealing with and needed time to think. He mentioned we were moving fast and talking about the future a bit much (it was 50/50 participation on the future talk) We continued to text but phone calls stopped. Finally on Sunday I received the following email:

I have always told you that when and if I needed time or space, that I would tell you. Well, this is me saying I need time and space. I am working on a much more in depth email that explains my feelings more, but I wasnt satisfied with it yet so I will send it this week. Yes, I do have a lot going on right now, but thats not my main problem right now. Anyhow, please dont worry about me. I will text/message/call when I can, though it's not going to be as much as usual. I hope you have a good night, sleep tight and sweet dreams sweet pea.

I was surprised and responded with:

Thank you for telling me. While this is a confusing and painful experience for me (I can't imagine what you're going through), I really like you and would like to be with you, so I will do my very best to honor and respect your need for time and space and will wait for you. I'm going to trust that you'll not leave me in limbo for longer than necessary, or string me along if you're done, so I will leave you to it. I just want you to know that I do care about you a lot and I accept you for you. I don't want to change you, your world, or restrict any of the freedom you've carved out in your life. I don't care what you do for a living or where you live while doing it. I just want you, Taylor. Plain and simple. To be fully honest, I am scared of losing you, although I have no control over that at this point. I understand that you have a lot of decisions to make.

I certainly do not expect a response to this. I just needed to tell you those things before I leave you alone. I appreciate any future communication efforts, and for what it's worth, you have my support. I'm always here for you, or even better, not here ;)

Thank you in advance for any guidance. I have not contacted him and he hasn't not contacted me yet. It is difficult to not feel concerned/anxious during this time.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 July 2015):

Honeypie agony auntAgain, I agree with SVC.

I think you two WERE moving to fast (considering this is a LDR and a new one to boot) so I can see why he decided that he needed to stop and think BEFORE you two got more serious (as in either of you moving etc).

I also think your reply was fine. You said what you felt without being dramatic or "clingy".

Now DO give him the space he is asking for. Not for his sake but for yours. TAKE this time to think about it. IS it even realistic for the two of you to BE together (no longer LDR) and HOW well do you really know him?

So while HE mulls it over, YOU do the same.

I agree with giving him a few weeks to do this and if he doesn't figure things out, I'd move on.

And next time? I'd avoid a relationship that starts out as a LDR. LDR's are tough. Mentally, emotionally, financially and physically.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (30 July 2015):

Anonymous 123 agony auntLook, to be very honest I don't really understand what this confusion in him is all about. For me, love is the simplest thing in the world. If you love someone then you love them, plain and simple.

The fact that he says that he has a "head and heart battle" means 2 things. Either the rational side of him (head) wants to be with you because you're a great catch and good on paper while his heart doesn't really respond to you in the same way. Or, it could be that while he feels that he has feelings for you and is thinking from his heart, the rational side of him tells him that it's not going to work out for whatever reasons that he has.

To be honest so far things don't look too good. LDR, 5 months, just 2 visits and he's already casting serious doubts over the relationship. Either he has someone else in his life or he's just not that into you. Your response was perfect-dignified and well worded. A gentleman would have responded to it. The fact that its been 4 days means that he doesn't intend responding to it and won't either.

I think you should look at moving on. I would never want to be with someone who has this many doubts about wanting to be with me. Remember OP, the right guy will never have to be begged, chased or given an ultimatum.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2015):

If it was me I would read that like I am being dumped to be honest and expect this 'next letter' he is writing to be the 'dumping letter'. It's an LDR it's not like you see each other all the time and he wants space to do his own thing or something. You met TWICE and that's too much??! Who feels crowded or doesn't have time to make a quick call or send a text message to someone they don't see that often and are supposed to want to be with?

At this stage people usually can't get enough of each other. If it was me I would be bothered by this, sorry.

Saying 'I'm scared of losing you' makes it sound like you will hang around waiting for him and be picked up again or dropped when ever he decides. That sounds very selfish and one-sided. He doesn't seem scared of losing you or worried you will be offended by this 'wanting space' his only concern seems to be that you will worry about him. Apologies if I'm off the mark here but it just reeks of self-importance.It's all 'me, me, me' this is want I want- tough tittie if you don't like it.

I would read the next email and hope it has a really good reason in it, like someone has died or something, if not I would move on. Find someone who can appreciate time with you and not want space after a few months of LDR. Sorry to be harsh but this feels very unfair to you to be honest and not enjoyable at all.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (30 July 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntThe anxiety sucks doesn't it. When my now husband and i were LDR he went no contact on me but without the whole "I need space" since we were FWB/NSA and I did not care if he was around I just waited for him to get in touch with me.

Finally he did. After that things moved fairly rapidly.

I think often that what happens is men tend to move faster and then pull back to re-evaluate. When they do that often the woman gets overly anxious and starts pushing him for contact and an explanation when all he needs it to be left alone and figure it out.

Yes we "risk" losing them totally but we would be losing them anyway.

Write long letters in a journal you will NEVER send. Let him go. You have no control... let him go ot his "man cave" and mull this over for a few weeks. If you get to labor day and don't hear from him, move on.

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